Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. We took Mattie to Cox Farms that weekend to their Fall Festival. As you can see, Mattie was an adorable ear of corn! This was another one of my favorite photos! There were so many we took of him when visiting these festivals, and we cherish all of them. Yet when I look at these photos it is hard to imagine that this was once a part of our lives. I know it happened but it seems like such a long time ago. It is hard to reconcile because what is more vivid at times is our cancer journey and that struggle.
Quote of the day: Chronic anxiety is a state more undesirable than any other, and we will try almost any maneuver to eliminate it. Modern man is living in anxious anticipation of destruction. Such anxiety can be easily eliminated by self-destruction. As a German saying puts it: 'Better an end with terror than a terror without end.' ~ Robert E. Neale
There is something to be said about tonight's quote. I would say that childhood cancer does evoke chronic anxiety. Even when the threat of cancer is over however the anxiety remains. It harbors itself within your brain and therefore the terror is really never over. It takes great strength to fight back this terror and to be able to try to live life in the real world with others. I know that Mattie's cancer has done a number on me. I can feel it any time I am ill and especially when I need medical testing, scans, and have to wait for results. I feel like a caged animal. I am not sure those around me quite appreciate my level of fear. But I am deeply afraid, very anxious, and moved to tears. It is in these moments that I really need great support and a friend but I am not going to reach out because when I am most panicked I retreat for cover and protection. Only certain people really know that I need help and they have been through this with me these last couple of days. While I have been really quite scared. Thankfully the testing that I did yesterday revealed nothing serious. Which is excellent news.
This afternoon, I was connected by Fox 5's reporter Beth Parker to Roya Giordano. Beth has done several wonderful Fox 5 pieces on Mattie Miracle, and after her coverage of the Giordano family last night, she felt we have something in common and decided to introduce us. Indeed Beth is correct! I learned from Roya Giordano today, the mom of Mathias, that he is 13 years old and has been fighting Osteosarcoma for 27 months. He has undergone a leg amputation, high dosage chemotherapy, several lung surgeries to remove tumors, and even a clinical trial. However, despite all he and his family have endured, he is losing his courageous battle with this horrible disease. I remember when Peter and I learned that there were NO MORE OPTIONS for Mattie. I can't think of more devastating news for a parent to hear. When fighting cancer, you get used to doing something! Anything. You would go to the ends of the earth to get treatment to save your child. But to learn in the 21st century that there is NOTHING left...... no other drug to try, it is unfathomable. Mind boggling and heart breaking. As a parent you begin to lose hope and yet you have your child to care for, looking to you for direction. You find the inner resources and dig deep because you are not going to let this little person down.
It is amazing how there is a continuum of hope that we experienced during Mattie's cancer care, that went from hope to fight the disease and strive for a cure to the other end of the continuum which was hope to help your child have the highest quality of life until the end and to die with dignity and with the least amount of pain as possible. I say all of this but I have to tell you that NO PARENT should ever have to face such a continuum! It is ridiculous!!! What parent wants to even think about helping their child die???? It just isn't right.
As I watched Beth Parker's video of Mathias, I looked at his beautiful face and it brought me right back to 2008 and 2009 with Mattie. It reminded me of our own battle and how unfair life is. I do not understand why some children get cancer. Why does this disease exist, why are some families tortured so? I don't have answers, and yet when you look at Mathias sitting in his living room he seems very brave, determined, and courageous as he introduces his family's initiative to create a Virginia State license plate that reads, "Cure Childhood Cancer." I attached the link to the article below on Mathias and if you live in the State of Virginia, I encourage you to check out the application for this license. The family only needs 450 signed applications for the license plate to be approved! This license plate would be a great way to raise awareness about the disease and to bring hope to the Giordano family.....when hope is very much needed.
Story about Mathias:
http://www.myfoxdc.com/story/26741254/family-looking-to-increase-childhood-cancer-awareness-with-specialty-va-license-plate
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