Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. I absolutely LOVE this photo. I remember taking it. Mattie did not like to be examined at all. But Dr. Gonzales understood how to capture Mattie's attention. She saw he was interested in her pager. So instead of taking it away from him, she got it out and walked through what to do with it and Mattie was fascinated and engaged. In turn Mattie agreed to comply with an exam. The psychology behind this snapshot in time was beyond memorable. Dr. Gonzales knew that Mattie was bright, inquisitive, and spunky. Not unlike her. She was well versed in dealing with Mattie's type, and I would say throughout Mattie's cancer journey, she was one of the doctors who understood our family's situation the best.
Quote of the day: At the end of the day, I'm a person. I have feelings. I get tired. I get sad. ~ Summer Walker
When Mattie was in treatment, we had the opportunity to meet a nurse who was beginning her career. In all reality, if I were Jenny, I may have run the other way when seeing us. But instead, she embraced our family and really wanted to learn from Mattie and us. Even in my dazed and confused state back then, I could tell that Jenny was a special person. Now 13 years later, guess what? Jenny is still part of our lives. Do you know she has registered for EVERY Mattie Miracle Walk since 2010. To me this is remarkable. Jenny wrote to me today, and said:
I will never ever forget the lessons I learned as both a nurse and a human when I took care of Mattie and the fierce loyalty and advocacy you displayed for him shaped my nursing career. I find myself coming up with reasons to bring his name up in conversation, especially with new nurses talking about adjustments for families when life-altering diagnoses are delivered to patients and families. I'm so glad you have been able to continue the Walk for Mattie and your organization and for as long as I'm able and as long as you hold it, I will be a participant!
All I can say is Jenny's message perked up my day and perhaps week. It means so much that Mattie's life is remembered, that he influenced Jenny's career, and that she is one of our legacy makers who continues to walk this journey with us. I can't think of a better gift to give a bereaved parent. I am thankful that Jenny wrote and shared her insights with me. Words do matter and they can change our lives.
My dad continues with his feelings of depression and sadness. When we picked him up today, he went right back to the same mantra as yesterday. He isn't blind, he isn't paralyzed, and doesn't have a disability. He is only forgetful. I am not sure if he is trying to convince himself or us. Either case, I have alerted the memory care center to what I have been contending with over the last two days. They plan on giving him another Mini-Mental State Examination (MMSE), which is a set of 11 questions to check for cognitive impairment (problems with thinking, communication, understanding and memory). In addition, the social work team will administer a geriatric depression screening.
My dad may have depressive feelings, but he doesn't have the means or where with all to follow through on them. I have been trying to understand what triggered this recent emoting! My conclusion is that the center forces him to think and use his brain. Something he refuses to do at home. Whenever I ask him to do brain games with me, I get a lot of push back, and I am told that I push him too hard. Instead, at home my dad prefers to be what my mom calls, "a potted plant." Literally he can sleep 12 hour days, if we aren't on his case. At the memory care center he can't do this. There are activities every minute of the day. Therefore he is asked to think and participate. However, at the end of the day, my dad is completely unable to tell us even one thing he does while at the center.
I believe this has caused him great FRUSTRATION. So now I have given him a notebook which he can slip in his pocket. I have told him to take notes throughout the day. He actually did it today, because I think he was disappointed in himself the day before. So though I am saddened he is depressed, I think he needed to feel slightly uncomfortable in order for him to change his behavior and to re-engage with the world, and work on it! Frankly I think he and my mom have been in GREAT denial about his cognitive decline. At the memory care center the reality is plain and simple. This is hard to come to terms with and I imagine people with dementia face these emotions much earlier on in their trajectory than my dad. But delayed reaction or not, we are dealing with them, and I am working hard on redirecting his thinking and trying to have him focus on the positive. The positive being that there is a memory care center so close to our home, that at the center they can work on engaging his mind, and with some strategies he has the opportunity to read cues that can remind him of his day.
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