Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Tuesday, April 19, 2022 -- Mattie died 655 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. I think this photo is hysterical. Despite the fact that Mattie was wearing a cast on his right leg (which was heavy), he still had great flexibility and spirit. Mattie did not want his photo taken. Yet he was still intrigued with what I was doing, and as you can see one eye came peeping through. 

Quote of the day: Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going. ~ Jim Ryun

I woke up at 5:30am. I assure you this is NOT my hour. In fact, I am not a morning person at all. But since my parents moved in, the latest I can sleep is until 6:30am. If I don't get up at that hour, everything falls apart around me. 

I got up at this ridiculous hour because I had to drop my dad off at the memory care center at 9am, so I could get my mom to her stress test by 9:45am. I did it, but all I can say is wow! It is 7:30pm, and I feel like I donated pints of blood. I am worn out, feeling exhausted, and my sinus congestion is back. I am sure resting would help, but that just doesn't happen here. Tonight's quote I think is perfect for caregivers. We get started because we are motivated (most likely by love or commitment), but over time, the numerous tasks we take on become habit. We get used to working and working, at a burnout pace. 

My mom's stress test was performed at the same place my dad had his test in February. We even had the same two techs today, who are lovely. My dad's stress test took over four hours, my mom's was under three hours. She got good results today and I am happy I could support her through this. But everything takes time and planning on my part, as I know the stress test has three parts, and after part two, you are allowed to eat (since she was unable to eat after midnight). So I brought my mom snacks and hot chocolate, as I knew she wouldn't like what was offered to her by the clinic. 

After the test, we drove back home. I walked Sunny for over an hour is blustery wind, and then jumped in the car to pick up my dad and take them both to lunch. When we picked up my dad, he was emoting! Trust me, he DOESN'T do this! Like ever!!! Today he let us know that he is frustrated and depressed. In fact, he said, "today was a very sad and depressing day." It is hard for him to articulate why. But all he could say was he isn't paralyzed, he isn't blind, etc. However, he realizes he is forgetful, yet he doesn't understand that his cognitive issues are indeed a form of disability. I can't tell if he is frustrated with himself or what. But then let us know that he views himself as a burden and it would be better if he weren't alive. 

Naturally my mom and I addressed those feelings, but truly I wanted to know what triggered them! My dad isn't a reflective person and therefore what he was expressing caught our attention.

I have given my dad a mini notebook to record thoughts and activities he is involved in throughout the day. Within the notebook was this paper that had a drawing of flowers in a pitcher. If you look closely there is a circle drawn on the left hand side and in it my dad wrote....

My reaction: I hate this. I am not blind or disabled, just forgetful. 

My dad at lunch. You wouldn't guess that this photo was taken on the same day as the statements above. Mind you while at the restaurant, my dad had two bowel movements and I was jumping up and down. 

I tried to explain to my dad that there are things he can do to help himself. Like implement the memory strategies his speech therapist taught him. Which means writing things down to remember them and to trigger memories. Also in addition to notes, I am trying to impress upon him the connection between mind and body. A body that is stagnant, has a way of impacting one's cognition. I desperately want him to do a ten minute walking routine twice a day. A routine that was recommended to him both in the hospital and by his home therapists. However, he is difficult and will push back at me, not wanting to comply. Typically now I tell him that his lack of activity has no consequence on me. That ultimately he is hurting himself. He says he wants to get better and stronger, but when you ask him how he could do his part to achieve this, he has no idea. Of course I know with dementia there is NO getting better. The best we can hope for his holding onto what he has, but this requires work. Work on his part, because I know that on my part I am working the job of ten people on any given day.