Wednesday, October 11, 2023

Wednesday, October 11, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. It was a fall tradition where we would take Mattie to Fall Festivals. That day, Mattie went into one of the moon bounces at the fair. In some ways, Mattie was like me. He was cautious and analyzed things before jumping. However, unlike me, Mattie loved motion and the crazier it was, the more he loved it! 

Quote of the day: As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~ Sascha

 

I find my mind and heart are filled with so many thoughts and emotions these days, that it is hard to stay focused. After managing both of my parents needs, I could have moved to more chores and work this afternoon. But I didn't! I decided to stop and get outside and walk. 

Walking is my therapy and it has been for a long time. I learned that early on after Mattie died. Soon after Mattie died, I developed panic attacks. Of course I did not realize what they were so I went to see my primary care physician, who of course sent me to a cardiologist. I wore a heart monitor for days and I honestly thought I was going to lose it mentally. The monitor made me super anxious. Mainly because back then they were clunky devices that you had to press a button every time you felt a symptom. By the time I was done with that machine, I thought I would need medication just to calm down. 

But after getting a clean bill of health, we concluded that I was having panic attacks. There are various ways to cope with this, but what I found worked for me was WALKING. When I say walking, I mean I could walk around 10-15 miles each day. I needed to do this to manage the intense anxiety I was feeling and what I found was walking quieted the negative self talk in my head. It got me in touch with my breathing, it connected me to the outside world, and forced me to be present. 

Now I am trying to recommit to walking and not just walking for myself, but for Sunny too. Though Sunny has been depleted because of chemotherapy, I still believe he too can benefit from movement. Ironically, it didn't take him long to fall back into the pattern of walking and he looks to do this every afternoon. This was our routine together when we lived in the city, and I attribute our daily walking for the reason we are bonded and so close. 

This shell dish was given to me by Peter for our anniversary this year. To me it is symbolic of all the times we traveled to the beach together and collected shells. For the past two weeks, when I walk with Sunny, I look for an acorn with its cap on it. If it doesn't have its cap, I don't bring it home. This was something I used to do with Mattie all the time, and wow did he have a big collection. Any case these acorns sit by my kitchen sink, so I look at them and reflect on them daily.