Friday, December 20, 2024

Friday, December 20, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie was four and half years old and fully ON! Mattie grabbed Peter's jeans and was walking around our home in them! As you can see, I grabbed my camera and started snapping photos. Mattie had an infectious spirit and had a way of sucking me into all of his antics. 

Quote of the day: The emptiness of the narcissist often means that they are only focused on whatever is useful or interesting to them at the moment. If at that moment it is interesting for them to tell you they love you, they do. It’s not really a long game to them, and when the next interesting issue comes up, they attend to that. The objectification of others—viewing other people as objects useful to his needs—can also play a role. When you are the only thing in the room, or the most interesting thing in the room, then the narcissist’s charisma and charm can leave you convinced that you are his everything. The problem is that this is typically superficial regard, and that superficiality results in inconsistency, and emotions for the narcissistic person range from intense to detached on a regular basis. This vacillation between intensity and detachment can be observed in the narcissist’s relationships with people (acquaintances, friends, family, and partners), work, and experiences. A healthy relationship should feel like a safe harbor in your life. Life throws us enough curve balls in the shape of money problems, work issues, medical issues, household issues, and even the weather. Sadly, a relationship with a narcissist can be one more source of chaos in your life, rather than a place of comfort and consistency. ~ Dr. Ramani Durvasula

It was an emotionally laden day for me today, so I am not writing much. Other than I met up with a neighbor this evening and her parting comment to me was..... "you are too special and too strong, to let this destroy you." Glad she thinks so because to me my life feels over, as it is hard to continue to unearth more issues and secrets. This isn't just an acquaintance who betrayed me, this was my own husband. A person I trusted with my life. 

The highlight of my day was receiving homemade gingerbread cookies from friends of ours in Los Angeles. All I can say is God give me strength. 

Thursday, December 19, 2024

Thursday, December 19, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. We were in my parent's kitchen in Los Angeles. My mom had set up a mini tree for Mattie in the kitchen, surrounded by toys and little gifts for Mattie to open. As you can see, Mattie was ripping into a gift, while I was snapping this photo. Looking back at this moment in time, it was so happy, innocent, and captured how I viewed my life.... as a mom and wife, and a part of a loving family. 

Quote of the day: In such a self-centered society, many people have gone to the extreme of narcissism—being solely concerned about their own personal well-being and agendas while excluding and exploiting others. Narcissism is not only epidemic but is also a pandemic of our times that has been normalized and accepted. Self-serving, narcissistic people are incapable and unwilling to love due to a lack of authentic self and love for one’s self and others. ~ Sepideh Irvani

I had quite the day! I have been told for weeks that my neighbor's project is winding down! Want to see what winding down looks like???????????????

This was what our cul de sac looked like today. Besides the fact that our neighbor thinks she owns the cul de sac, Peter is now parking his pick up truck in the cul de sac at night. It is like a direct reminder that..... HEY VICKI, LOOK AT ME! I'M LIVING NEXT DOOR! Parking overnight in the cul de sac is against HOA rules. It is a matter of time, until neighbors call the police, and report this, as they have called the police for countless other incidents we have had to endure. 

Now this I just loved! Totally blocking my driveway!!! But I am just supposed to have patience and grace!

This morning I was juggling Foundation work while my dad was having his physical therapy session. But of course I can never work in peace, as he had three massive bathroom runs during his hour session. Needless to say, I got very little done. When the therapist was leaving, I opened the door and found three large boxes on my porch from a donor. Toiletry items were donated for the Foundation. Naturally I am very grateful for donations, but something about today's donation set me off. 

Besides the fact that things weren't sorted and thrown together, many of the shampoo and soap containers opened and every little bottle was covered with soap and was slimy. Part of me was so irritated that I wanted to throw the whole donation in the garbage. But I took a deep breath and dumped everything in the sink and hand washed each tube. It was laborious and frustrating. In addition to that, I came across items from the Hotel Mediterraneo. Though I never stayed at that hotel, I know of it. Why? Because it is in one of my favorite locations in the world, Sorrento, Italy. What were the chances that such significant items would be in this donation today?

When I was a little girl, I traveled countless times with my mom and grandmother to Sorrento. We stayed at a hotel, which to this day, I think is magical. It is my namesake, the Excelsior Vittoria.  Just seeing these items from Sorrento today sent me for a tailspin. It made me very depressed. It reminded me of a better time in my life, and because I loved Sorrento so much, it was my hope that one day Peter and I would go back and stay at this hotel. It symbolized my future plans. So seeing these items today were a crushing blow! The reality that I will never be traveling again with Peter, that perhaps every trip we ever took together was a joke to him, and well you can see how I quickly spiraled downhill. 

I had therapy tonight and the therapist looked at this emotional tailspin in a positive way. She feels that I am so filled with anger, that it leaves no time for actual feelings and grief. Her words, NOT MINE. Therefore she felt that this tailspin meant I was acknowledging the abandonment. She knows I disagree with this analysis, and I remind her often..... you live in my shoes 24/7, and you will see that it is impossible NOT to feel countless emotions. Because I am not in a puddle or crumbling, doesn't mean I have no actual feelings. I have plenty! Plenty I tell you!!!!!!!!!!! 

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. Pictured with Mattie were Jerry and Nancy. They were musical volunteers. We met them during Mattie's first night of chemotherapy. Which I can assure you was a very scary and frightening night! But Jerry came into our room with a keyboard and within minutes we were all singing. I can't tell you how this transformed our mood and spirit. A feeling I can still recall today! From that first encounter, they came to visit us whenever they were volunteering. In fact, Jerry and I would text message each other ahead of their visits, to make sure that whatever songs they were going to play, Mattie knew. This was key because they played a "Name that Tune" game with Mattie and it perked up Mattie's spirit when he would guess the name of the tune correctly! That evening, they brought Mattie a birthday gift, so I snapped that memorable moment. 

Quote of the day: The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase “I never feel like I am enough” is the mantra of the person in the narcissistic relationship. That’s because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is. ~ Dr. Ramani Durvasula

I posted a photo of Jerry and Nancy above, because last night I left my home and went out to dinner with them! This may NOT sound like a big deal, but it was for me. I rarely leave my parents alone. I have no social life and my routine looks the same each and every day for three years. Of course to go out to dinner, I worked hard to feed my parents and get them situated before I left the house. 

Overall, I am so traumatized that I limit my interactions with friends. But when Nancy donated to the Foundation (which she does every year!), we got to chatting by email. I filled her in a bit about what I am facing with Peter. She immediately contacted Jerry and then they both said, they were coming from the city to where I am and taking me to dinner. Accepting support and help from them is actually easy because they have shared my trauma journey with Mattie all of these years. Pre-Covid, we used to meet Jerry and Nancy several times a year for dinner. We did this right after Mattie died, but COVID changed our tradition and we lost touch. 

Last night we chatted, ate, and reconnected. Remember they have seen me during one of the worst times in my life and they knew Mattie. As I tell them often, they are Mattie's memory keepers. Jerry and Nancy loved Mattie so much that they actually gave him his own keyboard (which we took back and forth to the hospital). When Mattie died, with Jerry's blessing, I donated the keyboard to the pediatric units! 

Jerry and Nancy are absolutely stunned about my situation. They can't believe given all we survived, that Peter would abandon me and better yet, marry my neighbor. Who does this??! Honestly!!!! In any case, they said everyone thought of us as the "sweet and adorable couple." The "couple who survived the impossible." The "couple who stayed together and defied statistics." What happened? Believe me I ask myself this question practically on the hour! Left unchecked this feeling could eat at me and completely destroy me. 

At the end of the evening, Nancy basically said after hearing my story, any married woman should be left wondering.... because this could happen to anyone. That is the frightening part about all of this! We like to think we are in control, that we know when someone loves us or doesn't love us. But what happens when the person you trust most in the world is harboring deeper issues and feelings, but masks them, and instead pretends to be the person you want him to be? Then you become Vicki. 

For a few minutes last night, and I mean a few, I felt slightly normal. But that feeling never lasts long, because my reality is earth shattering. Some times I can carry on, move about my day, and other times, I feel so overwhelmed, that I don't know if I can make it another hour, much less another day. 

The highlight of my day was receiving these Italian cookies from my friend and colleague, Jean. These goodies came from a local, family owned business, Bisnonna (Great Grandmother). 

Seeing these cookies made us all reminisce since my grandmother used to make several of these types of cookies. Who knew a cookie could make you remember happier times, but that is what they did for us tonight!  

Tonight I baked these soft gingerbread cookies. To me they look like brownies. I would have loved the time to use my cookie cutters and to pipe out frosting, but I am lucky I baked them. I wanted to give several gifts to people who provide care to my dad, so I was busy today. Despite the fact that they aren't pretty cookies, they happen to be delicious. Here is the recipe (I made the non-gluten free version):

https://cakesandcoriander.com/soft-gingerbread-cookies-with-cinnamon-honey-buttercream-frosting-gf/

Tuesday, December 17, 2024

Tuesday, December 17, 2024 --- Mattie died 793 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2004. Mattie was two and half years old and that day I snapped this photo because what intrigued me was that both Mattie and Patches were fascinated by the boxes under our staircase. These were Christmas presents sent to us by Peter's mom. Patches smelled my in-law's cat on the boxes and Mattie just wanted to know what was inside. To me these two tag teamed to take turns to investigate these boxes! When I think about this moment in time and our townhouse in the city, I long for these days. A time when I did not focus on childhood cancer and I  didn't know that my husband wasn't in love with me and was planning to abandon me!

Quote of the day: Narcissists are precisely that: careless. They barrel through life, using relationships and people as objects, tools, and folly. While they often seem as if they are cruel or harsh, that is in fact giving them too much credit. They are simply careless. And they do expect other people to clean up their messes. But carelessness is cruel. Frankly, the motivation for their behavior does not matter; what matters is the outcome. And that outcome is damage to other people’s well-being, hopes, aspirations, and lives. Carelessness captures it, but it is not an excuse. ~ Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Today was NOT a good day. After getting my dad up, showered, dressed, and downstairs for breakfast, I then had to make phone calls about one of his medical bills. He had anesthesia on August 21, during an outpatient surgery at the hospital. In fact, this summer was the summer of managing my dad's kidney stones, as we spent the whole month of August back and forth with admissions! Any case on August 21, my dad had ureter stents replaced and lithotripsy, as he was having trouble passing urine and had quite a large stone in his left kidney. It turns out that Medicare will not pay for the anesthesia! Why? No fault to Medicare, but the anesthesiologist was NOT a certified Medicare provider! You HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME?!!!! Why did the hospital allow for such a procedure, with a professional who can't be reimbursed by my dad's primary health insurer? Of course if his primary insurer denies the claim, so will his supplementals. 

I spent about two hours on this problem today! I called the anesthesia group, I called the hospital, I called my dad's urologist who was responsible for this surgery, and I even called Medicare. Guess who was most helpful? Medicare! I was stunned. This woman outlined the issue to me and explained what I needed to do. Of course the anesthesia group says it is a Medicare issue, Medicare says it is an anesthesia issue, and the hospital says go back to the provider. Literally I wanted to scream. Basically I have to wait until an actual bill is submitted to me and once I get it, I can then appeal it to the hospital. Sure, one more job for Vicki, because I don't have enough on my plate. If it comes down to writing a letter to the hospital, I was will be furious as they should be making sure that services are covered by insurance. This shouldn't be a family's responsibility, especially when managing a medical crisis. The system SUCKS!

While on the phone with these multiple people, my mom was peppering me in the background. As she wanted to take this on! Would I like for her to help? Certainly, but realistically I know she can't! She would have trouble remembering what was told to her and I would land up having to intervene anyway! So overall, I am frustrated, stressed out, and fed up with all that Peter left me to handle alone. Of course while I am struggling, he is next door, living the life of Riley. A life fraught with lies and built on a foundation of deception and secrets. 

After I got off the phone today, I could tell my parents wanted to go out. So I felt that pressure, while also realizing that I have several bills to pay, which I am juggling at the moment. To figure all of this out, requires concentration. What I deduced is that I will have to wait for them to go to bed tonight, to try to sit down with my spreadsheets and do creative accounting. It wasn't my finest moment today and I was screaming my head off from stress! My mom can set me off, because instead of helping, she will just add fuel to the fire. She hates living here, hates her life, and wants to go back to California. As you can imagine, since I have rearranged my entire life to care for both of my parents, this did not sit well. 

I grabbed my car keys and told them if they are so miserable and don't appreciate what I am doing, then perhaps they would like to spend a few hours alone and see how that goes. I am beyond at the breaking point, with everyone wanting something from me, to figure out problems and to clean up literal and figurative messes. I include Peter in this too, because when he left me, I had a large financial mess to sift through and attack. I AM STRUNG OUT I TELL YOU. 

Needless to say, I did not leave my parents. I wouldn't do that, as they truly can't function on their own. But my mom understood that she can't keep pushing me. I am human and I have my own needs and issues. 

 

The highlight of my day was receiving these wonderful cards and donations to Mattie Miracle! It means a lot to me that friends stand behind the Foundation and believe in our mission. 

Monday, December 16, 2024

Monday, December 16, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and half and that Christmas we boarded a plane and headed to California. Unlike me, Mattie was a great plane traveler. He loved looking out the window, was fascinated by the plane, and even seemed to like the turbulence. I traveled with a full bag of activities, because Mattie was awake for the entire flight. I am quite certain that on some level Mattie knew his time on earth was going to be short lived, and did not want to miss a minute. 

Quote of the day: Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation. ~ George K. Simon Jr.

While getting myself dressed this morning, I was listening to the radio. One of the commentators was introduced with the beginning rift of Paul Simon's song, You can call me Al. You know what song I mean? If not, it is below................

Why am I mentioning this? Because when Peter and I walked into our wedding reception, and we were introduced to our family and friends for the first time as a married couple, the band played this same rift! Just hearing this song sends me right back to July 15, 1995! As we walked into our reception, our entire bridal party was on the dance floor and formed a tunnel for us to walk through, with their arms overhead. I can picture it distinctly! I associate this song with that incredibly magical day. I remember the feeling of walking into this room holding Peter's hand, with the notion that we were officially starting our life together. 

Would I do it all again, if I knew the outcome? It is a hard question to answer. If I did not marry Peter, there would be no Mattie. Mattie was meant to be born and his existence made my life complete. I can't imagine life without having Mattie. But would I marry Peter again knowing he would break my heart in pieces, disrespect me in immeasurable ways, would commit adultery with a neighbor, and have no regard for my physical, emotional or financial well-being? The answer would be no! No I would prefer to be spared this enormous betrayal and cruelty. 

While looking out the window this morning, I saw Peter jump into the pick up truck he bought (which once was owned by my neighbor, so yes he bought her truck while still married to me without my knowledge), backed out of my neighbor's driveway, and parked in the cul de sac. He then picked up their mail and debris for the construction site on their property. At no point did he even look over to our house! I have been eliminated, removed from his reality, and our 35 years went POOF! They and I do not exist to him! A real sobering reality.

When I looked at Peter, he looked emaciated. He was on an intense exercise routine starting in 2023, but to me, he has continued to lose weight. Why do I care? As I keep mentioning, there is the rational side of me, and then there is the devoted and emotional wife side. I am quite certain that Peter has now married my neighbor! Yes within weeks of getting a divorce from me. So much for his need to find himself, to have independence and less control. He moved from a loving and unconditional long term relationship, right in the arms of massive  control and manipulation.  

I can assure you, I saw this coming. I confronted Peter about this for months in 2023, as I was concerned about the amount of time they spent together and their emotional bond. At one point when confronted, Peter told me she was his confidante. Yet countless times, I was told there was nothing going on, that it was basically in my head. The problem is my head was correct! I am the master of observation and I quickly put two and two together. A wife knows these things! 

My major flaw was two fold: 1) I trusted Peter, and thought he was committed to our marriage, and 2) when my neighbor came over crying and in need of help in March of 2023, I saw someone in distress and I wanted to mobilize to help. So I suggested Peter go over to her home and help her. That was the kiss of death. 

Like an Aesop fable, the moral of this story is kindness, help, and trust should never be given away unconditionally. I learned this painful lesson and I pass it along. If this could happen to my marriage and to me, it could happen to anyone. 

Sunday, December 15, 2024

Sunday, December 15, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old and that Christmas we took Mattie to Los Angeles to visit my parents and celebrate Christmas. I remember this exact moment in time as if it were yesterday. Mattie was a very active fellow and loved outdoor time. My parents had all sorts of citrus trees, and Mattie loved picking the fruit, sorting it, and playing with it. It was no wonder I would call him, Farmer Brown! If I could only be transported back to that moment in time, knowing what I know now, it wouldn't have changed Mattie's cancer diagnosis, but I would have had much more clarity about Peter. 

Quote of the day: Often the narcissist believes that other people are "faking it," leveraging emotional displays to achieve a goal. He is convinced that their ostensible "feelings" are grounded in ulterior, non-emotional motives. Faced with other people's genuine emotions, the narcissist becomes suspicious and embarrassed. He feels compelled to avoid emotion-tinged situations, or worse, experiences surges of almost uncontrollable aggression in the presence of expressed sentiments. They remind him how imperfect he is and how poorly equipped. ~ Sam Vaknin

Tonight's quote spoke to me. Over the course of this year, I have taken many on-line courses for my license renewal as a mental health provider on gaslighting and narcissism. Why? Because I am quite sure this is what I have experienced over the course of the last year and a half. From both Peter and his paramour (a word my lawyer kept using, and it is unfortunately fitting)! I believe Peter and this woman feed off of each other, and given that their connection is built on a pack of lies, it is a matter of time, until their union comes tumbling down. It won't be pretty. 

The quote mentions that a narcissist avoids emotional situations and can experience uncontrollable aggression in the presence of expressed sentiments. When I read this, my immediate reaction was.... EXACTLY! It has put into words the nightmare I have experienced for over a year. Mind you Peter wasn't always this way. He was a kind, loving, calm, and patient man. Yet when this outside influence came into his life, it either cultivated a side of him that was suppressed, or it helped to developed it. Either case..... this new personality needs to be put right back in the box, and shipped out to sea. It isn't healthy, stable, or sustainable. I personally believe that Peter views me as a good person, and he doesn't know what to do with my "goodness," as it reminds him of his own flaws, of which he is poorly equipped to manage. 

Why do I say this? Well let's turn to his own words. This is a snippet from the beautiful birthday card Peter gave me in July of 2023 (YES two months before he walked out on me)....

Here is wishing one of the most special people I have ever known, a very special happy birthday! Your millions of selfless acts of care that never go acknowledged, make everyone feel so special. Your endless dedication to caregiving is something truly remarkable in this world! You give each and every day, all of yourself, and never get anything in return.... something that I still can not fathom how you do, and have done, and continue to do each day.  

So apparently I am so "special," that I deserve to be abandoned, ignored, belittled, lied to, cheated on, and left in a financially unstable position. All this specialness, caring, and selfless acts earned me a big ZERO! A life without my son and now my husband. One of my friends asked me how do I manage seeing Peter living next door to me? I am not sure I know the answer! Some days I am angry, some days I block it out, and some days I imagine that Peter died. The Peter I thought I knew died the day he committed adultery with my neighbor. So I may see his body moving about, him driving his car, or him living his new and NOT improved life, but when I remind myself that the loving, bright, caring, compassionate, and responsible Peter has died, then I can put Peter -2.0 into context. This is my rational side speaking, but of course I am human. Can you imagine your spouse doing this to you? How would you feel? How would you feel seeing it through your windows? 

It has been a weekend of non-stop bathroom runs with my dad. I am exhausted from it! I took them to brunch today, and within minutes of sitting down, he had to run to the bathroom. He did not make it in time, and I had to change him completely. Meanwhile, my mom is down right clueless. When we got to the restaurant, I always pull the car up to the door, help each one out of the car and into the restaurant. As soon as the host addresses us, I let my parents follow the host, and I go and park the car. Well today, my mom went into the restaurant and kept going. She went to sit at the table, while I will still helping my dad out of the car. So I had to help my dad to the table and then run out and manage the car. The same craziness happened when leaving the restaurant today. Instead, of my mom walking with my dad, she walked ahead and was talking to one of the managers. Meanwhile, I was still at the table collecting the tote bags, jackets, and my dad's cushion. By the time I got into the hallway, my dad was wandering around the restaurant. I had to go down another hallway and retrieve him. Since he walks hunched over his walker, walking around a busy hallway isn't safe for him or anyone else. So I was very unhappy with my mother. 

The highlight of my day was I found this wonderful Harry and David tower at my doorstep! 

The goodies in the tower! This special gift was sent to me by Mattie's favorite nurse, Tricia. Tricia has been on my journey with me since Mattie was diagnosed. In many ways, it is easy to accept help and support from Tricia, because she has experienced me at my most vulnerable. What I do know, is I would never have made it through the day to day horrors of cancer treatment without Tricia. Which is why her support to me at this time, means so much. I consider our connection as one of the gifts Mattie left behind for me. 

Saturday, December 14, 2024

Saturday, December 14, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old. That Christmas we took Mattie to Los Angeles to celebrate the holidays with my parents. Given that the weather is 100 times better in LA than on the East coast during December, Mattie had a great time being outside and surrounded by greenery. It was the perfect trip for a very active little one. That day we took Mattie to Griffith Park. The Park had something for everyone including this Dentzel carousel. I truly do not know how I went from having everything that mattered, to nothing. No son, and now no husband! 

Quote of the day: When love dies and marriage lies in ruins, the first casualty is honest memory, decent, impartial recall of the past. Too inconvenient, too damning of the present. It's the spectre of old happiness at the feast of failure and desolation. So, against that headwind of forgetfulness I want to place my little candle of truth and see how far it throws its light. ~ Ian McEwan

My dad's physical therapist came over this morning. On physical therapy days, I try to wake my dad up later. I get him up at 10am, get him showered, dressed, and downstairs for breakfast. Then I pull out workbooks and do about 15-20 minutes of brain games with him. I try to keep my dad energized, awake, and focused so that by the time his therapist shows up, he has the ability to work with her. Otherwise, if I get my dad up earlier, what he will want to do is go straight to his recliner and relax after breakfast. Relax means sleep. It is then much harder to engage my dad in therapy when he is coming from sleeping in his recliner. Or so that was the thinking the past two weeks. 

Today's therapy session was interrupted three times, with my dad rushing to the bathroom for bowel movements. I can't tell you how exhausting his bathroom routine is, because typically whenever he uses the bathroom, there is a flood of urine all over the floor. Which means that every time he uses the bathroom, out comes the Clorox. I had a double whammy while managing the third bowel movement, because the cat was also vomiting at the same time. My mom was screaming for me while the cat was vomiting and I did not know what mess to focus on first! Truly I can't make this stuff up!

Later this afternoon, I took my parents for our main meal at our local diner. We have gotten to know the management there and each week we work with Jason. Jason is about my age, is married, and has three children. Over the course of our time together, he has noticed that it is only me taking my parents to the diner, and he can see the circus show I balance alone. Any case, last week he asked about my husband, as I wear my wedding ring. I spared him the whole story, but told him that my husband of 35 years left me for my neighbor. He couldn't get over it. This week, Jason asked me if I have any children. My answer today was blunt.... "he died." Not the response Jason was expecting. So he knelt down to talk to all of us and wanted to learn more about Mattie. So the wheels in Jason's head were turning... child died and husband left her. As he said, I am dealing with more than any one person should have to face. INDEED. Rather funny that Jason can see this, but my own husband doesn't give it a second thought. Instead, I think it gives him and my neighbor great pleasure in destroying my life. 

Who in their right mind, leaves a 35 year relationship to start a relationship with one's neighbor? Better yet, what neighbor takes someone else's husband? I am not sure what story they have sold to each other, but in time the ugly truth will come out and I have a feeling that is when major problems will arise. Peter will learn that not all woman are like me..... because when you cross certain people, there will be negative consequences. But overall, what I know for certain in life is that a relationship based on lies, deception, and the destruction of one's family, doesn't form the solid foundation necessary for a long-term "new and happy" relationship. 

Friday, December 13, 2024

Friday, December 13, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. Mattie was 8 months old and it was his first Christmas! It was a big deal in our home, and given my intuitive need to document all Mattie moments (big and small), we captured many photos that holiday season. This is also the Peter I know and will always remember. As Christmas approaches I miss both of the boys in my life. 

Quote of the day: Perhaps sometimes reminding ourselves that we do have a choice makes it easier to pick the harder one. ~ Eva Melusine Thieme

Tonight's quote is also key! The keyword is CHOICE! The only one who had a choice in my divorce was Peter. I was given NO CHOICE! After 35 years together, one would hope that there would be more compassion, more concern for my well-being, and a desire to communicate and stay connected. The radio silence to me and in every aspect of Peter's former life makes you question.... just what is going on here!? Nothing about this seems like the person I have experienced for decades. He is in the same body, but that is where the similarity ends. Not having control and choices in my life, in my own existence and future is disconcerting. I know this well, with Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death. I couldn't predict or prevent what happened to my son. Nor can I understand or have any control over Peter's desire to walk out on me, leave me managing everything alone, and never wanting to see or talk to me ever again. You would think I was his worst enemy. Again, I am the master of observation, studying people, understanding their personalities and routines, and what I can tell you is something is VERY, VERY wrong. I have friends more concerned about my emotional and financial well-being than Peter. When Peter left, do you think he worried whether I could pay a bill or the mortgage? The answer is no! I went from an adult who never managed finances and budgets, to now knowing everything and I had to teach myself! 

I am living with chaos inside and outside my house! For over a year, this is what our cul de sac has looked like due to my neighbor's extensive renovation. Next week, the power company is digging up my front lawn to supply power to my neighbor's house. The fun just never ends and yet I am expected to be patient, tolerant, and kind. 

On top of everything else I juggled today, I baked about five dozen gingerbread cookies. Not in the shape of the gingerbread men (I don't have time for that!)! I decided we have several gifts to give people who care or are kind to my parents. Since I am very conscious of finances, I decided to bake. 

Though I like to cook, I am not particularly fond of baking. But I made two different types of ginger cookies today. One with an orange glaze and another cake like cookie without glaze. 

The cookies with an orange glaze. If you like ginger and orange, these cookies are delicious! 

Soft gingerbread cookies

Tonight I was removing coins from my wallet, as I find they weigh me down. Out of my change purse came this coin. This coin was given to me by my college friend, Lina. Lina was from Thailand. She said that this coin would lead me to finding my husband, which it did, as I met Peter at college in my sophomore year. I have carried this coin in my wallet since I was 18 years old! Can you believe it? This should give you some idea of how I get connected to things and how I believe in signs! If I ever change wallets, I never forget to take this coin with me.

Divorced or not, the coin comes with me. As does my wedding ring. It remains on my finger because to me "always and forever" means something. Also in my wallet, is a dollar bill Peter gave me in college to buy tea! He even wrote a message on the top of the bill. I NEVER used this dollar, and like this coin that has been with me for decades so has this dollar bill. No matter my wallet, no matter my purse, the coin and the dollar bill are with me. Some of you may not personally know me or we may never have met! But it is my hope that through my writings you can determine what kind of person I am.... as I take my commitments, responsibilities, and love for those in my life very seriously.  

Thursday, December 12, 2024

Thursday, December 12, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old and my parents were visiting. My mom snapped this photo of all three of us. I have so few photos of the three of us together, as one of us was usually taking the photo of the other. It was a special moment in time. The Peter you see in this photo is the REAL Peter. The man we all knew..... devoted to his wife and family, a hard worker, a team player, and community minded. The Peter in this photo would never do what has been transpiring since 2023. I stand firmly on this assessment and I believe there are many factors that explain the current crisis, none of which revolve around Peter not loving me. This is not a delusional wife speaking, or a wife who can't accept reality. NO, this is based on the fact that I was Peter's wife for decades and one thing I do well clinically and  have about a 98% success rate on is assessing people and issues. 

Quote of the day: When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they 'don’t understand' one another, but a sign that they have, at least, begun to. ~ Helen Rowland

Tonight's quote is key.... when TWO PEOPLE DECIDE to get a divorce! In my case, the two of us did not decide, there was no conversation, no communication, it was just decided for me and I had to comply. Literally I finally gave in because I couldn't handle the legal bills one more second! 

After working with my therapist for a year, even she is on board with what is going on. She has helped countless couples and worked with clients coping with divorce. There are many, many inconsistencies about what has happened to me and what is most glaring is that two neighbors would team up, have an affair, get divorced at the same time, and move in together. That is just one thing in a long list of things that doesn't add up! I have been told for over a year that Peter and this woman weren't in a relationship, or even better that I am remembering my own relationship with Peter incorrectly! When I tell you I am working through being a victim of gaslighting, I am not kidding. But at the end of the day, I am well grounded. I know what I know, I know what I have experienced, and most of all, I know what love feels and looks like. You can try to reprogram my thinking and feelings, but SORRY, Vicki is Vicki, and no amount of smoke and mirrors is going to move me from my rightful position.

I had my therapy session tonight and my therapist is trying to get me to focus less on Peter, to worry less about Peter, and to solely focus on myself. I literally told her.... that isn't and won't be happening. The more you tell me not to do something or instruct me how to feel, the more I will shut down and turn off to what you are saying. You can't ask me, a woman who has been with Peter for 35 years, to just shut off those feelings and thoughts. Frankly if I were able to do that, I would think I was in total denial. When you have lived with someone for what seems like forever, you grew up together, parented, survived child loss, built a non-profit together, and were there during good times and bad, you become a part of each other. Which is why, Peter easily walking away, not being able to recall our memories together or missing aspects of his former life, makes NO SENSE to a rational person. It is a big red flag to me. 

Sure I have to focus on protecting myself now, stabilizing my household, and trying to find a way in the world. But everything has to be done on my timeline. Because truthfully at any given point of the day, I could have a nervous breakdown. But there is no time for that either, as I carry the weight of the world solely on my shoulders in my household. Yet my mom, my lawyer, and therapist all warn me, that when Peter crashes and burns, he will be showing up on my doorstep. I don't foresee that happening. Truthfully even thinking about that doesn't help me right now, as the best I can do is take it one day at a time, and to try to figure out how or even if I want to find a way in the world. Some days, the jury is out. 

Wednesday, December 11, 2024

Wednesday, December 11, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. It was Mattie's first Christmas and it was an exciting time in our lives. Becoming a parent was a huge responsibility and there were NO HOW TO manuals to be a good parent! We had no family locally and I look my role very seriously. Mattie was born on and he challenged me to always think outside the box. As I always say, Mattie was my greatest teacher. Looking back on this moment in time, I may have felt stressed and anxious because I wanted to do a good job, but it truly was the happiest time in our lives, and we didn't even know it! 

Quote of the day: When you fully trust a person for life, you get one of two results. You either get a person for life or a lesson for life. ~  Unknown

This morning, after coming out of the shower, I heard a crashing noise. I was in a panic, because I thought either one of my parent's fell or worse my mom fell down the stairs. I ran out of my bedroom and what I saw was a picture of Mattie had jumped off the wall and slid down the entire staircase (see what a long way down this is!!). Given that I thought glass would be all over the place, I had to find shoes. When I walked down the stairs, it was miraculous. The picture frame wasn't damaged and the glass was intact. I have NO IDEA how that is physically possible given the distance it traversed. I don't know if you believe in signs or not, but I do! To me, Mattie was telling me something. I believe Mattie sees everything that has transpired and he is literally telling me, that his dad is headed for a massive crash and burn. 

I saw this quote tonight and it immediately jumped off the page at me. Mainly because it is spot on. I trusted Peter and I thought given our decades together, I had a husband for life. The resulting feeling of this broken trust is betrayal and violation. Yes I feel violated. Not physically, but emotionally. My friend in England (who I met in an on-line support group) and I write to each other daily. We have been doing this for close to a year. My friend was telling me a story today about another woman facing similar issues as us. This woman has decided she can't take the pain anymore and is looking into physician assisted suicide. I was deeply, deeply sorry to hear this news. This may sound extreme, and you maybe asking yourself, where is her support system? But having a bird's eye view into a similar nightmare, I can understand how the deception, gaslighting, and cruelty absorbed over a significant period of time can play games with your head. It can impact how you feel about yourself, your identify, your trust in your own instincts, and most definitely it changes your future. The hope you once had is gone. The question is how do you rebuild? Do you want to rebuild? These are questions that no one can answer for us, and the typical support that may work for other issues in life, really doesn't work for this one. 

After dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I ran some chores, and then came home to work on more Foundation tasks. On top of that, I dealt with several of my parent's doctors (either issues with their portals, billing, etc!). Later in the day, I took my mom out for tea. While out, I got a message from my plumber... yes we are buddies, and he let me know that his baby was just diagnosed with an orthopedic issue that requires extensive surgery and long term rehab. Naturally he and his wife are stunned and devastated. I empathized and tried to put this into context for him. As long as modern medicine can address an issue and there is a medical plan.... then it is a blessing. Since Mattie was diagnosed with cancer and has died, I do find that people come to me when in a crisis. Not that I have solutions, but I have empathy and perspective. The many lessons I learned from Mattie. 

Last night, I snapped this photo and sent it to Linda, Mattie's child life specialist. Linda gave Mattie this tree during Christmas of 2008. Mattie loved this tree and I wanted Linda to know that the memory of our time together is alive and well in our home. I will always be grateful to Linda, Jenny, Jessie, and Anna (Mattie's child life specialist, art therapists, and physical therapist). I wouldn't have made it without them, and they are the reason why Mattie never refused returning to the hospital for treatment.  

When I returned home this evening, I found this beautiful butterfly card in my mailbox. As most of my blog readers know, going to the mailbox makes me nervous, as I never know what surprise bill will be awaiting me! This butterfly beauty is a wonderful Mattie reminder that he with me always. 

My good friend Denise sent me the butterfly and these wonderful chocolates! I am deeply appreciative to have the support of friends, blog readers, and I value every text, email, and message sent to me. As it truly takes great effort to navigate through each day. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2024

Tuesday, December 10, 2024 -- Mattie died 792 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. Mattie was 8 months old. It was his first Christmas with us and I wanted our holiday card to feature this cute face! I literally dressed him up, dragged out Mattie's entertainment saucer and we snapped photos of him. Being the first snow fall of the season, it was a magical moment. As you can see, Peter was introducing Mattie to the white stuff, and it peaked Mattie's curiosity. I now have lost both of my boys, and only have photos left of our time together. 

Quote of the day: Each divorce is the death of a small civilization. ~  Pat Conroy

I spent a good portion of the morning on Foundation communications and administrative work. It is close to impossible to believe that I now run Mattie Miracle without Peter. Creating the non-profit was Peter's idea. I was too traumatized after Mattie died in 2009, to have any clear thought about this matter. But I went to all the legal meetings and went through the process right along side Peter. It seems fitting, that like everything else, I now manage it alone. It is hard enough knowing that................... 

I am divorced (against my will), 

My husband is in a relationship with my neighbor, 

I worry day to day about finances and my future, 

I have been caregiving for three years without a break, and 

I am the sole parent keeping Mattie's legacy alive. 

It is not unusual for me to say to myself..... what else can Peter do to me? Clearly I am the most affected by Peter's behavior, but I am not the only one who feels shocked, stunned, and betrayed. Those close to us, who thought they knew Peter are equally troubled, and continue to tell me.......... they too would never have seen this coming. Why? Because Peter appeared to be a devoted and loving husband. In fact, it wasn't unusual to hear, after Mattie died, that I was Peter's reason for living. Without me, he wouldn't of had a purpose. Not my words, HIS!

If some of you are thinking.... Peter wanted a divorce because of Mattie's death and that this is some sort of unresolved or complicated grief issue, I am here to tell you, NO that is not it. Peter and I survived the impossible. Mattie has been dead for 15 years and through this journey, we walked it together. We may not have always been on the same page, because grief is an individual journey, but we were there for each other.

This afternoon, my parents wanted to go out to lunch. They did not want me cooking. I have introduced them to a local restaurant about 10 minutes away from home. I did not do this sooner, because the last time I went to this restaurant, it was with Peter. It was at that restaurant in which Peter first told me he was unhappy in our marriage. Not only that he was unhappy, but he was unhappy for a long time. Of course depending on when I spoke to Peter, the timing would change. From being unhappy for a long time, to being unhappy from 2018 onwards, or being unhappy after my parent's moved in. That inconsistency drove me batty! When Peter dropped this news to me at this restaurant, I wanted to start screaming! What way to tell me this horrid news, in a public space, where I was trapped. 

I thought that day we were going out for dinner to reconnect. As I was strung out from caregiving and upset with his constant attention and hours spent with our neighbor. I was hoping that this space away from home would have given us the chance to talk. Forget it! Because Peter's plan to dump Vicki was already in motion. Vicki just did not know it yet! Needless to say this restaurant has held very bad memories for me. In fact, I was so upset with Peter, that I got up from the table and walked right out of the restaurant.  

Though I will freely admit to suffering from trauma, I push myself through spaces that were traumatizing. I learned this skill from past traumas. Today was the third time I have been back to this restaurant, each time with my parents. The restaurant was beautifully decorated for the holidays, it was playing Christmas music, and we got a lovely table by the window. All I know is for a minute, I was able to erase the toxicity of Peter in this space, and to appreciate this restaurant for what it is. 

What Peter has done to me, could cause me to have a nervous breakdown. I discuss this feeling with my friend in England (who I met in an on-line support group) often, who I swear is living a parallel life. The circumstances are a bit different, but the cruelty, abandonment, and radio silence are all the same. It takes great inner strength to hold it together, but it is a terrible feeling to know that I have been tricked. That I have been lied to, not just recently but for years, and to know that I was living with someone who truly hated me, and yet I did not see or feel it. That alone is a frightening and disillusioning notion. 

Monday, December 9, 2024

Monday, December 9, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old. Each Christmas, I would dress Mattie up in a holiday sweater and snap a photo of him. These photos always went on the cover of our holiday cards. This was his cute sweater in 2007. I am not sure Mattie loved having a Christmas tree or decorating it. What he loved about having a tree was that he could assemble his Santa Christmas train set underneath and around it. Mattie was enamored with trains and I can't think of our trees without the excitement of Mattie's trains. 

Quote of the day: Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. ~ Mary Kay Blakeley

This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I had chores to run. When I got home, I was determined to contact one of the company's that managed stocks that we bought years ago. I knew we have several different accounts with this company. I first started out talking to this company by chat and then this person could see I really needed to speak to a live person. Between the chat and the call, I was derailed for almost two hours. But I got down the bottom of this and learned that I basically have no more stocks left in my name. The surprises just keep on coming. If I reported in full what I have endured since 2023, you would be stunned. Somehow however, hearing this news today, set me off. Yes I have been angry before today, but today's emotions are intense. It is a horrible feeling to be played, lied to, manipulated, and disrespected for years. 

I am livid and there is no time to feel anything else other than constant panic, trauma, and anxiety. Each day, I ask myself.... what shoe will drop today? I wake up prepared for the worst! I just never know if the worst is coming by mail, email, or phone call! 

On an aside, I am very grateful to friends who are reaching out to me either through the blog, text message, or email. What I absorbed today is that Mattie's blog is read throughout the country. As I know for sure that we have readers in Washington State, Colorado, California, Oregon, Missouri, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York, Maryland, Virginia, and Florida. Literally if I put a map together, it would be truly interesting to see what other states are represented in our Mattie Blog family! 

Seeing my story through the eyes of friends, reminds me, just how outlandish all of this is, how incredibly horrific it is, and as one friend said..... this is just so crazy, you couldn't possibly make this up! As I always say, truth is better than fiction and what I am facing, I couldn't possibly have concocted. It is that over the top, that unexpected, and that devastating. 

Being so wound up this afternoon, I came home at 4pm, got my dad settled and then I went to our backyard to trim roses back by 50%. I filled up three large bags full of debris. You should see how much debris I have at the curb right now. It speaks to my level of angst and pent up frustration, anger, and anxiety. Thank goodness it was a warm afternoon, because being outside is about the only thing that restabilizes me. 

While making dinner tonight, this text message popped up from my good friend. Literally I read it and said.... this is hysterical and I totally understand. 

Sunday, December 8, 2024

Sunday, December 8, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day I visited Mattie's kindergarten class. I baked homemade gingerbread cookies and after reading the book, Gingerbread Baby, to the class, the children got to decorate their own cookies. I made royal icing and brought in all sorts of goodies for decorating! This was Mattie's cookie, complete with marshmallows! I always inserted myself into Mattie's classrooms, whether it was preschool or elementary school. I wanted to get to know his teachers and friends. By kindergarten Mattie was asserting more of independence, nonetheless, I always found a way to be involved because it was important for me to share in his experiences. 

Quote of the day: Divorce shreds the muscles of our hearts so that they will hardly beat without a struggle. ~ E. Lockhart

When I began working with my divorce attorney in October of 2023, she saw the writing on the wall WAY BEFORE me. I just couldn't accept what she was telling me. Which was..... Peter was having an affair! I couldn't process this! I felt I knew Peter better than she did and clearly she had to be wrong! After all, there had to be a logical explanation for why he was leaving me! When I told my lawyer that Peter lost 40 pounds, became a runner and exercised daily starting at 4am, had a different diet than the rest of us in the house, and purchased a brand new and expensive wardrobe.... her response was.... these are classic signs of an affair! My lawyer has been practicing for over 25 years, so she isn't a novice. Yet despite her credentials and years of experience, I thought I knew better! I trusted Peter, I believed in our marriage, and I believed that we both were committed and respected each other and our vows. "Always and forever," which is what is engraved on our wedding bands! Given that I had no evidence of past transgressions with affairs, I did not think an affair was possible. Now of course I wonder.... did I miss that too!? Since I did not see this train wreck coming until Peter walked out the door on September 23, 2023, maybe there were other affairs too. 

This morning, I spent about two hours outside pruning one of our crape myrtles and several hydrangea bushes. It was practically 66 degrees in December. It was the perfect day to be outside. I also figured the more I do, the less I will have to pay our landscapers! I wanted to cut back our rose beds too, but I had to stop to take my parents out to brunch. 

At brunch, like so many meals, we got into an argument about Peter. Peter's behavior and cruelty hasn't just impacted me. Though my dad's cognitive decline is significant, he is in touch enough to know my pain and devastation. At brunch he started talking (which is rare!) about the fact that he is upset with himself. When I asked why, his response was because he always thought Peter would be a good husband and father. He approved of my marriage to Peter, and now he feels responsible that he did not see the warning signs to protect me. As if he could have prevented this nightmare! I listened and then I told my dad that he should not give this one more minute of thought. My dad is NOT responsible for what transpired. He couldn't see warning signs in Peter, because Peter never showed this side of himself. You can't warn someone of something that you aren't aware of yourself! I told my dad that we were all working with the knowledge we had, and from our time and experiences with Peter, we thought he was a wonderful, loving, committed, responsible, bright, and professional person. This is the Peter we all saw up until 2023, before this woman came into our lives. 

Do you believe that one person can transform or influence a person's personality? Can transform one's core values? Can get a person to turn against their own wife and family? I know I wouldn't believe that this was possible, and frankly if someone else told me this story, I would be thinking.... what else is really going on? There had to be other problems? There had to be warning signs? But the reality is NO, there were NO years or months of trouble. In fact, up until July 2023 (two months before Peter left me), he was still writing me beautiful notes and cards! Here's the irony of it all, on July 15, 2023, on our 28th anniversary, Peter wrote this in a card to me....

Here is to 28 years together. Wow! I am grateful for the beautiful journey we have shared. Here's to many more cherished moments together. 

So what happened? Do you see my confusion? I did not see any of this coming, but then again, who would think that Peter would leave after a 35 year relationship (just when I needed a lot of emotional support caring for my parents), refuse to talk to me, refuse to connect with our family and friends, and then have an affair and move in with my neighbor? This is so surreal, I couldn't possibly make this stuff up! Yet here I am, facing this reality each and every day. 

Saturday, December 7, 2024

Saturday, December 7, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old and a December tradition we had was visiting the US Botanical Gardens. It was so special going there in the winter. Typically it was freezing outside, but as soon as you walked into the Gardens, it was like entering a hot house! I tried to imagine that I was journeying into a warmer climate... like going on vacation! The Gardens were filled with holiday themed plants and colors. Not to mention many train displays, which Mattie loved. These are memories I will cherish always. 

Quote of the day: It hurts when you realize you aren’t as important to someone as you thought you were. ~ Anonymous

This morning, I had the opportunity to get together with neighbors. They wanted to meet to offer support and community. I have to admit that I was anxious and nervous about meeting. Why? Because I am so traumatized that my trust, faith, and willingness to connect with others is low. Very low! I have retreated inward and I find it is safer this way, as I deem it the only way to achieve self preservation. I am also very aware of how different my life is from others. For example, even when my therapist tries to get me to see that I am not the only one in the world who is divorced, I get her to pause EVERY TIME, when I ask her how many of her clients she has ever worked with have situations that look like mine? Of course the answer is NONE. I am not saying this makes me special, I am saying this makes me question what on earth is going on!? 

For over a year now, I have been plagued with trying to understand Peter's behavior and motives. After all how can I have been with Peter for 35 years and NOT know he didn't love me? That he was unhappy in our marriage, so much so that he would betray me, walk away, and jump into the arms of (at the time) a married woman. A woman who happens to live in my neighborhood! Who does this, and how do either of them think this is okay to do right before my eyes?  

Since this is so far fetched, I truly pursued every avenue of thinking from a mental health crisis, a physical illness, to psychological coercion. I left no stone unturned, because I know Peter probably as well as he knows himself. Some thing about this whole situation is off and divorced or not divorced, I assure you, that I WILL get down to the bottom of this, as I am like a dog with a bone. I am persistent, focused, and no amount of gaslighting is going to reverse my way of thinking and seeing the world. I know what I know and I know what I have experienced these last several decades with Peter. Our marriage was real, our love was real, and I will not allow his new relationship to sully my character, my core values, or our 35 years together. Revisionist history doesn't work with me, or with anyone who knows us. 

Any case, back to meeting my neighbors. I have only known these women since 2021, when I moved into the neighborhood. But it is amazing the dots they connected and their view point on me. They are worried about me, they are not sure how I have managed to endure such disrespect, toxicity, and cruel behavior, and what surprised me is that both stated.... you did not deserve this. One of these women said it is very evident the quality person I am because even with my own nightmare going on, I am always checking in with her, helping her when I can, and that I don't just go through the motions, I care deeply about people. I have to admit that I was surprised to hear all of this today, because I am so distracted and distraught that my typical level of support and kindness that I would try to offer those around me has been curtailed. I am very aware of how Peter's treatment of me has changed me, and not for the better.   

These women tried, as does my therapist, to get me to envision a life with someone else! All I can say is.... YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING! The answer is no! No I can't envision it, NO I am NOT open to envisioning this, and honestly after this horror, do you think I am going to trust anyone else?! If I can't trust someone I have known since I was 19 years old and built a life with, then what this reinforces in me is that I can't trust anyone else!