Wednesday, July 23, 2025

Wednesday, July 23, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on July 23, 2008. I know some of you may be quite familiar with this picture since I have posted it before. We were basically shell shocked on that day, the day we learned that Mattie had osteosarcoma. I took Mattie to the pediatrician on July 23, 2008, because he was complaining that his right arm hurt from tennis camp. His range of motion was affected, and he couldn't lift his arm up over his head. I assumed he injured himself in camp. I realized it was somewhat significant because of the pain and his limited mobility, but I had no idea the x-ray was going to show a huge tumor in Mattie's right arm. Though Mattie did not understand the significance of the diagnosis, he knew something was VERY wrong! That evening of his diagnosis, he requested Christmas lights! When your child has cancer and he wants to see Christmas lights in July, guess what? You do it! I will never forget this exact moment in time. It is etched in my mind and heart. 

Quote of the day: The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever. ~ Carroll Bryant

Today marks the 17th anniversary of Mattie's diagnosis day. I honestly did not think this day could get any harder, but not having my spouse along side me, sharing this journey makes the impossible ten times more heartbreaking. My dad is still in the hospital and this is the same hospital Mattie was born at and also the same hospital where Mattie's cancer was diagnosed. So it is truly a surreal experience being on that hospital campus today. I will never forget the chain of events that day that led to a cancer diagnosis.

In July of 2008, Mattie was enrolled in a tennis camp. A week into the camp, Mattie complained of arm pain. We figured he sprained something or had a sore muscle from holding the tennis racket. A likely possibility given Mattie had never played tennis before.

While enrolled in camp, I attended a conference in San Diego. Each night while I was away, I checked in with my husband and I continued to hear that Mattie's arm pain wasn't getting better. I did not like what I was hearing! Before leaving San Diego, I made a doctor's appointment to take Mattie in the day after I landed back home.

Fortunately, Mattie's pediatrician took my complaints seriously (as she learned from experience with me that if I am flagging something, it should be taken seriously), as I told her the issue had been going on for two weeks, with no improvement. So the doctor ordered x-rays just to make certain she wasn't missing anything. Keep in mind Mattie had NO OTHER symptoms!!! From the doctor's office, we walked over to the hospital for x-rays. I admit that I got very frustrated with the radiology tech, because what I deemed should have been an easy x-ray process turned into an hour-long fiasco.

After the x-rays were taken, the tech told me to go to a waiting room. I will NEVER forget this waiting room. Mattie and I walked into a room filled with adults. NO hospital representative was in the room, only patients and ONE phone. We sat down and within five minutes the phone rang. NO ONE went to answer the phone, it just kept on ringing. So, I decided to pick it up. 

On the other end of the phone line was the radiologist, who asked for Mattie Brown's mom. When I told him I was Mattie's mom, he then said I needed to go right back to the pediatrician's office. I said, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I wasn't leaving that room until he told me what he saw on those x-rays. He did not want to tell me, but I forced it out of him. So I heard that Mattie had osteosarcoma over the phone, surrounded by a group of strangers and Mattie staring at me. I tried not to sound alarmed but it's a bit hard after hearing...... your child has cancer.

July 23, 2008, was my first experience with medical trauma, and unfortunately that was just one of many traumas we experienced as a family. Mattie's treatment was intense, we practically lived within a hospital room for 14 months, and each day was a crisis of some sort. I was constantly facing life and death decisions for Mattie and also witnessed Mattie experiencing clinical depression, anxiety, and medical traumatic stress. I am not sure how I survived seeing this happening to my six year old, but what I do know is I found courage and strength in the inner most places to manage the impossible. Why? Easy.... a mother's love. A love that continues to guide me today, a love that can't be tarnished, destroyed, or ever forgotten. 

The traumas associated with Mattie's diagnosis and treatment remain with me forever, which is why July 23, will be a day that still makes my heart flutter. What would have happened if Mattie survived his diagnosis? I have no doubt he would have gone on to accomplish great things and I also know my life (present and future) would have looked completely different.   

I end tonight's posting with the "Remember Me" video I created for Mattie's celebration of life ceremony in 2009. The song in the video, to this day, still gets me. I hear it and I can't help crying! The song was given to me by Mattie's preschool director. She knew the artist who wrote the song! It is hauntingly beautiful. This video captures Mattie's amazing life and the seven years I was lucky enough to be his mom. NEVER FORGOTTEN, ALWAYS LOVED, and FOREVER MISSED.