Friday, July 25, 2025

Friday, July 25, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on July 25, 2009. This was my last birthday with Mattie. Mattie's child life specialist, Linda, gave Mattie that cake to celebrate my birthday. At that moment in time, I really thought we would have more time with Mattie. He had just gotten off treatment and the goal was to physically rehabilitate him so he could return to school in the Fall. Little did I know that two months later, Mattie would die. 

Quote of the day: Maybe it’s not about having a beautiful day, but about finding beautiful moments. Maybe a whole day is just too much to ask. I could choose to believe that in every day, in all things, no matter how dark and ugly, there are shards of beauty if I look for them. ~ Anna White

I have to admit, I HATE birthdays. I have hated my birthday since 2008. After all how could I forget that Mattie was diagnosed with cancer two days before my birthday. It is hard not to connect Mattie's diagnosis to my birthday.  

This morning, while looking out the kitchen window, a butterfly landed on the patio column. He hung out there for a bit. I attributed this to a Mattie sign! As no other morning this summer have I seen such a sight!

After spending 8 hours in the hospital yesterday, on top of many more hours over the last two weeks, I can safely say that I am exhausted. I was hoping to sleep a bit later this morning, but Indie had me up at 7am. I started my morning of chores and eventually found my way to the grocery store. I pushed myself to do this because once my dad is home, I can't leave him. He will need constant supervision until I deem him safe at home. While out in the store, I bought my dad's favorite nurse an orchid plant and two specialty cookies. I also bought a tub of chocolate chip cookies for the nursing unit as a thank you for caring for my dad. 

When I returned home from the grocery store, I found this beautiful floral arrangement sitting on my front doorstep. When I was driving up the driveway, I literally thought someone left me a frosted cake outside my door. This whole thing is made of flowers! I truly think this is stunning and the big sunflower on the top is symbolic of Team Mattie. As countless sunflowers were given to me each time we were home between cancer treatments. The sunflower became my symbol of love, compassion, and community. 

The note with the flowers isn't signed, so I have NO IDEA who sent me these flowers. I have called the flower store and left a message with the hopes that someone can clarify this gift tomorrow. Needless to say, I think they are beautiful!

The next  surprise came from my friend Carolyn. Cupcakes from Georgetown Cupcake. Why is this so touching? Because this was Mattie's favorite cupcake store, and in turn it became mine. I can't tell you how many of these cupcakes Mattie ate over the course of his treatment. Seeing these today reminded me of Mattie and if it weren't for Mattie, I would never have met Carolyn (as Carolyn's daughter and Mattie went to preschool together).

I would be lying if I said today was a happy and joyful day! It was actually a very emotionally challenging day. I can get very down and wonder why on earth I exist. All that being said, I can still be grateful for the countless friends who sent me cards, gifts, emails, and text messages!

Several of the wonderful gifts that came my way..... boxes of chocolates from Massachusetts (thank you Colleen and Helen!), and baked goods and gifts from my friend Ann. I think it is also noteworthy that I received a gift and card from my mother-in-law. Which meant a lot to me!

My friend Ilona came to the hospital today to visit with us. She brought beignets! My mom LOVES beignets and I have to admit I haven't tasted them in years! I can see why my mom loves them. They were amazing and my dad devoured two! Before Ilona walked into my dad's room, I was in a state. She helped to snap me out of that for a bit of time. Amazing how someone else's kindness and caring, can change the energy in a room. 

This special necklace came from my dear friend Cheryl. Cheryl has become one of those people who I reach out to when I am ready to jump off the ledge. Ironically we have NEVER met each other, but we are connected through my husband's side of the family. Cheryl had this beautiful necklace made for me! See the sunflower? When I opened this present, just seeing Mattie's name seemed like a gift! Mattie is integral to my existence and I am grateful for Cheryl and Mattie's blog readers who help me keep his amazing memory alive. 

Want to see Vicki as a child? Here I was with my mom! We were on a family trip in Cape Cod. I had to be maybe 8 years old. 

Me with my maternal grandmother. Her name was Anne, which is why this is my middle name. We were VERY close! I actually called her "mom," and my actual mom I called, "mommy."

This was the birthday cake my husband ordered for me, for my birthday party in 2019. I am not sure when it will sink in, but when someone is a part of your life for over thirty years, you come to expect that this person will always be there for you!

Tomorrow my dad gets discharged from the hospital. It was a difficult evening for him. As he is very confused, very disoriented and actually doesn't want to leave the hospital. He views the hospital as his home, and doesn't recall our actual home. In addition, he is convinced his brother is alive and he insists that the staff wheel him down the hallway to look for him. I have had to explain to the staff that my dad's brother died decades ago. After spending five hours at the hospital today, when I got home, my dad called me twice. Trust me that is a feat in and of itself, as he located my number and dialed the phone. My dad was in such a panic, that I had him call for the nurse and I asked him to put her on the phone. So I proceeded to tell her about my dad. After speaking with her, I had my dad take a piece of paper out and write the following....

I am in the hospital. 

Vicki is home safely. 

It is night time, and time to sleep. 

Vicki will take me home from the hospital tomorrow afternoon!

It is 11pm, I have finally finished all my chores for the day. I am wiped out, took Tylenol because every muscle aches, and I can't wait to put my birthday to bed. As in my heart there isn't much to celebrate.