Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. Mattie was three years old and was visiting my parents in Los Angeles. I remember this house very well, as it is the house we moved to when my dad accepted a job in California. Moving from New York to LA was a big adjustment for me in high school. Every aspect of day to day living is different there, yet Mattie loved the whole experience. Particularly since LA has a great deal of natural beauty and you can spend much more time outside throughout the year. That morning, Mattie took his Thomas the Tank Engine box and decided to wear it on his head.... he was attempting to be a train conductor. I am telling you life with Mattie was NEVER boring!
Quote of the day: I've noticed people often complain about the monotony of life. How sometimes every day is just like the last and they all blend together. Do they know how lucky they are? But maybe that's the problem with a smooth pleasant routine, you begin taking it for granted. ~ Cheryl Diamond
Today's quote resonates with me on every level. On Saturday, as my dad's physical therapist left the house, she asked me how we were going to spend this holiday weekend. My response was.... we are doing our usual weekend routine. After saying that, I then elaborated! I told her that I have learned over the years that any time you can do the ordinary, the every day routine, then that is actually a GOOD day! Because it means that all three of us are physically stable. As a caregiver to my parents, I know that any day they are alive, well, and they cognitively know who I am, then it is not just an ordinary day..... it is an extraordinary day!
This morning while getting dressed, I was listening to the radio. This particular radio show allows for people to call in questions. Questions like you expect to read in a Dear Abby column. You know the ones.... the ones that ask for advice. Today's question was from a man. He is getting married to a woman and told the audience that before he got engaged, he told his girlfriend that if they got married HE WOULD take HER LAST NAME! Not the other way around. However, now that he is engaged, he has changed his mind! He doesn't want to take her last name, he wants to keep his own name. Mind you he is making no demands on his fiancée, as he feels she should do what is best for her, as he should also do what's best for himself.
As a traditionalist in a way, this whole conversation made me stop what I was doing this morning. I wanted to understand MORE about this man's decision making process. Unfortunately the radio show did not help its listeners explore the reasoning behind the man wanting to change his last name in the first place, instead, the radio host threw the question out to his co-hosts and asked them each to weigh in and give their opinion. I have to say that the responses varied and each one was less helpful than the one before. Truly if I was the originator of the question, after hearing this dialogue I would have been far MORE confused.
The co-hosts felt the following:
- One person thought it was lovely he wanted to change his name in the first place, and shouldn't be swayed by others in his life. To go with his original plan.... change his name.
- Another person thought the notion was a terrible idea, as the man changing his name would always be ridiculed by friends. So.... don't change your name!
- Then another person weighed in and said if they can't agree on this, they should make up a WHOLE new last name that they both could adopt. Meaning.... both of them should change their name!
I am interested in the history of choices and decisions! So I wanted to know the historical reason for women adopting their husband's last name?
Turns out common law (laws that were coded in writing, but they were more often based in custom) was formed in deeply patriarchal societies. As such, laws regarding women were not only unfavorable to the female gender, they barely acknowledged its existence. Within this common law was something called coverture. “Coverture is a legal formation that held that no female person had a legal identity.” Coverture negated a female’s existence as an independent identity. As a result, her rights were severely limited. Married women could not make contracts, because they couldn’t own businesses. Married women owned nothing—not even the clothes on their backs. A female baby was covered by her father’s identity, and then, when she was married, by her husband’s. Under coverture, a husband and wife became “one” under marriage. It sounds romantic, but the ‘one’ was the husband. So it’s not that women take the last names of their husbands, which is how we think of it today—it’s that they became part of their husband. She did not exist in law, only the husband did.
These common law customs carried over from England to America during the establishment of the colonies. Though there were opportunities to formally abolish or amend coverture during the creation of the U.S. Constitution in the 1780s—Abigail Adams addressed the very matter in her “Remember the Ladies” letter to her husband, Constitutional Convention member John Adams—the first break in coverture the in U.S. didn’t arrive until the Married Women’s Property Act of 1848.
When we women think about how far we have evolved, it truly is remarkable. So in today's day and age, what is the current view point on changing one's last name in marriage..............
- Adopting the same last name can be a way to make a clear public statement that the couple is united.
- Some women simply prefer their partner's last name, finding it easier to spell, pronounce, or simply more aesthetically pleasing.
- While the tradition of changing a last name remains the most common practice for women in the U.S. who marry men, the rate of name changes has declined over the decades.
- Younger, educated women are significantly more likely to keep their maiden names compared to older generations, though they still make up a minority of those who keep their name.
No where in the discussion on the radio today was the importance and significance of a name. Think about it! A name is everything! It is the first thing someone knows about us! A name equals our identity! A name may have family, cultural, and sentimental significance. Therefore, changing it in marriage can cause a bit of an identity crisis. When I got married years ago, I was still a graduate student. I was teaching classes, was involved in professional association work and other things. In those capacities, everyone knew my last name as Sardi! To this day, all the staff on the licensure board where I served as chair for almost two decades refers to me as Dr. Sardi. All my students knew me as Dr. Sardi.
When I got married in my twenties, I suppose I was progressive, because I knew keeping Sardi as part of my name was important to me. It was important because I am proud of my Italian heritage, I realized that I did not have brothers, so in essence if I did not carry on our family name, what would happen to it? In addition, I am and always was my own person. I was born with an identity, kept this identity in all my schooling, and as a professional. Keep in mind, that if Mattie wasn't diagnosed with cancer, I am quite certain my professional life and career would have taken off and would have LOOKED much different. So in essence when Shakespeare asked what was in a name? I would disagree with him. I would say that a name is important as it helps to establish a person's true identity. So back to the radio question today..... I think changing one's name is a very personal decision that can't be decided for you by someone else and if someone truly loves you, whether you change your name or not, won't matter. They love you for you, NOT for your name.
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