Saturday, September 6, 2025

Saturday, September 6, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on September 1, 2009. I remember this moment like it were yesterday. Mattie decided that he wanted to go back to the hospital. He did not want to be at home any longer managing pain. Let me put this into context for you. Mattie was seven years old, and intuitively he knew he was dying. He chose to die in the hospital, not at home. He wanted to be surrounded by his medical family, who were on this journey with us for over a year. I also suspect that Mattie was worried about us as well, and wanted us to have support. Mattie was that kind of kid! He connected the dots even at 7! This photo was taken in the hospital's clinic, as we awaited admission to the in-patient unit. Jenny, Mattie's art therapist, was working hard at engaging Mattie with a remote controlled dinosaur and she is one of the people I will never forget. She was right there with us throughout Mattie's journey, a God sent. In this photo, Mattie was connected to portable oxygen and a pain pump. No parent should have to see her child die. There are others who say they have lived through similar traumas and have had similar life experiences to mine. I would say, trauma is trauma, but until you have your child flat line in your arms, I would say DO NOT compare your trauma to mine. 

Quote of the day: The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

MATTIE'S MEMORIAL TREE in 2018

This afternoon, after my dad had his physical therapy session, I decided to take two hours to visit Mattie's memorial tree. I decorate this tree three times a year: 1) on the anniversary of Mattie's death (September 8), 2) at Christmas time, and 3) on Mattie's birthday (April 4). We had been doing this since the original tree was planted in 2010. Mattie's memorial tree was a gift from the families of the class of 2020 (Mattie's high school graduation year). This particular photo was taken on September 8, 2018. Since Mattie's ashes are with me at home, this tree always gave us a peaceful place to reflect on Mattie and the amazing boy he was and always will be. 

This tree is the FOURTH memorial tree planted for Mattie. The first one died (an oak), the second one also looked sickly (an oak), and then a third tree was planted but in a different location on the playground (a yellowwood tree). The third tree was struck by lightning and literally its trunk still looks like the letter Y. So in 2018, the school's arborist (Tim) text messaged me. He told me that Mattie was sending us a message. Mattie wanted an oak tree as a memorial tree, and no tree will ever thrive if it is not an oak. Tim told me he was going to pick up a heartly white swamp oak, but instead of him planting it alone, he suggested that I gather friends for a tree planting ceremony. Great idea, but Tim only gave me 24 hours notice to make this happen. So I immediately text messaged friends and as usual they did not disappoint. Over twenty people showed up on September 8, 2018 to help dig a hole and plant this glorious tree! 

I chose to visit Mattie's tree alone today. I did not want to bring my parents or have friends join me. I spend no time by myself and given the nature of this activity, I wanted the space to just be with my own thoughts and feelings. 

Mattie's fourth memorial tree is on the left. The tree on the right is tree #3. It is hard to see the Y, but it is definitely a split tree trunk. I truly can't get over how the White Swamp Oak has grown. It is gigantic! So different from when it was planted 7 years ago. It is a surreal experience visiting this tree alone and it is an even more daunting feeling knowing just how dramatically my life has changed. It is hard having lost the most precious things in my life and it is sobering to stand before this tree alone, carrying on the tradition we created many years ago. No matter what is going on in my life, visiting Mattie's memorial grove of trees is one of MANY commitments I have to my son. Commitments to me are just that, no matter what I am facing and dealing with, they are a part of me.  

The memorial plaque created for the tree!

I always tie a ribbon around the trunk of tree #3 and #4. Today's themed ribbon was sunflowers. I also placed sunflower and butterfly ornaments on tree #4. The sunflower is a symbol I associate with Team Mattie, as they gave me countless sunflowers whenever we were home between hospital visits. After a while, the sunflower symbolized love, compassion and community. As for butterflies, to me these flutterbys are gifts from Mattie to remind me he is always with me. 

A butterfly close up!

You can see the sunflower ribbon and one of the beautiful sunflower ornaments. You can probably see some of the other ornaments I have on the tree as well. I have Legos, toy cars, orange awareness ribbons, cupcake ornaments and donut ornaments! In fact, teachers have told me that the kindergarteners refer to Mattie's tree as the twinkling tree! Why? Because with all the ornaments, when the sun hits it right, the tree glows and sparkles!

One of my favorite ornaments that I put on the tree in 2022! This is a saying Mattie and I used to say to one another! It is no wonder when I see the moon glowing at night..... I say to myself..... Love you to the moon and back!

For Mattie's birthdays, I try to put things on the tree that he liked. Which was why one year, I bought donut ornaments. While on chemotherapy, Mattie absolutely LOVED donuts! Our joke back then was..... one donut a day and everything will be okay!

A cupcake ornament! I baked many cupcakes for Mattie and I would bring them to the hospital. I used cupcakes as incentives. If Mattie participated in his physical therapy sessions, he got cupcakes! So cupcakes always remind me of the pact I had with Mattie... to try his best in therapy so he could relearn to walk. 

The playground, where these trees are located, was a space Mattie played in practically everyday after school. So it is quite meaningful that the trees line this space, providing shade to many other children. In a way, my Mattie is watching over all these other children. 

Do you think that a space can hold memories? I do! As I sat in this playground today, I was reliving Mattie playing in the sandbox, him running around with friends, and climbing the monkey bars. I could practically feel it! How is it possible that a once healthy boy could then get cancer and die? Why did we only have one year together in elementary school? It may be 16 years since Mattie died, but some questions a mom will always ask! 

Before leaving the trees today, I took this acorn off of Mattie's memorial tree. It sits in a shell like dish in my kitchen with other acorns from Mattie's tree. Mattie loved collecting acorns. In fact, he used to give them out as gifts to special friends. I carry on the tradition of collecting acorns and oh how I wish I had the boy and not the trees and acorns!