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Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. I remember this day like it were yesterday. We were in Los Angeles visiting my parents. While driving from one place to another, we noticed that a few streets were blocked for a local fair. Given that we could see pony rides and other hands on activities, we parked the car and went to check it out. They had a little petting zoo, and as you can see my 'Farmer Brown' was in and amongst it..... checking out the goat! Mattie absolutely loved animals, adventure, and being outside in nature. I have to admit that none of these things came to me naturally, but as Mattie's mom, I would say I was a quick learner. If something interested Mattie.... it then became my interest too!
Quote of the day: You normally have to be bashed about a bit by life to see the point of daffodils, sunsets and uneventful nice days. ~ Alain de Botton
Chances are at some point in your life, like mine, you have faced negative life events. Events which generated bad memories. I can safely say this because we are human. As such, we share many commonalities, regardless of who we are, where we live, and our cultural background. Some feelings and emotions may be universal. That said what triggers bad memories for each of us, varies greatly. What sets me off, may not have the same impact on you and vice verse.
What I feel is also universal is we are aware of our bad memories, these triggers, and yet at times we feel unable to control them and therefore if left unchecked they can rule our day to day living. They become all consuming and this upsets us, making us feel out of control and badly about ourselves. Afterall, don't we all want to be in control over our own thoughts and feelings? We do not want to be regulated and overtaken by our memories!
You can read any article about bad memories or triggers, and you are going to get information about the the evolutionary nature of this process. After all knowing what harms us is biologically crucial to our ability to adapt and survive. So in essence our human brain is shaped by survival challenges and these challenges get coded to help us manage life and death experiences.
Lovely! But now a days, most of us are not threatened by a lion or tiger chasing us, we don't need to hunt for our food, and we aren't living outside in the wild. Today's threats are more psychological to some extent. The brain is still a very unexplored and understood organ, but certainly neuroscience studies have indicated that negative memories activate the brain much more intensely than positive ones! No surprise... think about..... When someone says something nice to you, you absorb it, but it slips through the crevices of our memories. Yet, what about when you receive a negative comment or feedback!? I bet that feeling STAYS WITH YOU! That on the other hand is trapped and gets filed within the recesses of our minds. You have heard the adage that you have to give someone positive feedback multiple times for it to stick? Well this isn't just a saying, the brain mechanics would back up this adage.
Basically in the brain we have three things in play that trap in negative memories: 1) the amygdala (the structure that processes fear and threats), 2) the hippocampus (which organizes memories), and the prefrontal cortex (which interprets and contextualizes emotional experiences). This trifecta works together when negative emotions are processed and basically lock in the feeling, categorize it, and make it easily retrievable in the future. The problem is these same mechanisms that keep us safe, also keep us absorbed in negativity, which if left unchecked can produce mental health issues.
So what do we do with all of this information? Some self help sites and clinicians discuss the importance of focusing on the positive. To retrain our minds to mitigate the impact of the negativity. You might read about cognitive reframing, mindfulness mediation (seriously if I hear about mindfulness ONE MORE SECOND, I could lose it on that topic alone) and expressive writing. All designed to help us restore balance within our memories.
Naturally, we all have to find our own pathway forward to facing and managing memories. However, while reading this article today, how the brain purges bad memories, what resonated with me in their discussion was the notion of exposure therapy. Again not for everyone, but the basis of it is that we continue to think and face a particular trigger (certainly in a safe manner) until it no longer has control over us, instead we can sit with the memory but it doesn't trigger anxiety (or you pick the emotion). The memory doesn't rule us, we rule the memory.
Personally in my own journey with grief and trauma, I would say this is 100% correct. I have been writing for 17 years on this blog because this is an outlet for me, where I relive memories, thoughts, and feelings. It is through telling and retelling my stories and memories, that I have come to be able to live with certain realities. I am not saying this method works for everyone, but I do think it is rather pollyanna-ish to think that we can reflect on the positive/reframe/be mindful over what happened to us and this will enable us to come out bigger, better, and stronger emotionally. I think that whole philosophy sets the trauma survivor up for failure. Because each time the negative thought comes back (AND IT WILL), then the natural instinct is to view one's self as a failure. Instead, I think when dealing with a trauma and grief, we need to instead understand it takes time, patience, LOTS OF REFLECTION, and forgiveness of ourselves to know we will face many pitfalls. Not once, but over and over and over. This isn't a reflection on us... on the contrary, it is a sign that we are working on our journey and have the strength and fortitude to keep on going.
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