Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Tuesday, December 18, 2012 -- Mattie died 171 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie was home for Christmas recovering from his surgeries. This was not a good day for us. We tried hard to bring some sort of cheer and joy into Mattie's life, but understandably this was close to impossible to do. In this photo you can see Peter helping Mattie open up his Christmas gifts. After Mattie's surgeries, he was fortunately able to use his hands for fine motor work, but gross motor tasks were challenging for Mattie. Therefore, even unwrapping Christmas gifts required help.


Quote of the day: Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate. ~ Albert Schweitzer



Today was the first day in which I can safely say my bladder felt much better and I was able to go back to exercising. So I attended my zumba class. For the past two weeks even walking was painful! It is hard to describe the pain, but considering I live with daily headaches and I am able to work through them, my tolerance for pain is high! But when this bladder condition flairs up it takes over my life, and then I begin to worry.... will this pain ever go away!!!!???

It was a glorious weather day in Washington, DC today, it felt just like spring! Even our dance classroom had all the windows open letting in the fresh air! That alone made me feel better, along with listening to music and jumping around.

I had the opportunity to meet up with my friend Tina today. She surprised me with a necklace her friend made that features a beautiful butterfly pendant. It is always special to receive a butterfly, because to me it says indirectly that Mattie is being thought about. Tina and I chatted about the Connecticut massacre, and though Tina probably knew this before meeting me, she most certainly knows now (being an avid blog reader) that there is no timeline for dealing with the death of a child. Which is why I am perplexed with reactions from others regarding this tragedy. Some people are tired of hearing about Sandy Hook in the news and they feel they have dealt with it and now it is time to "move on." In fact I heard the term "move on" several times on the radio today, and I wanted to scream. For those unaffected directly by the death of a child, you are lucky enough to be able to move on, but I know ALL TOO well, that the 20 families in Newtown, CT, who lost children, moving on isn't anywhere in their foreseeable future.

But what happens to these CT families once the news media has milked every ounce of a story possible out of this devastation? I know the answer and it isn't pretty! What will happen is the media will pull out of CT and move onto the next sensational story. I get it, it is what sells, it is part of their livelihood and so forth. Unfortunately though, the pain and anguish have just begun for these families and when real grief support is needed, the army of people surrounding the community now will dwindle if not disappear altogether. It is the challenges of grief. For the griever of a child, our pain is very real and fresh, but for the outside observer of us the level of impatience grows ever deeper wondering when the haze, depression, and greyness will lift in us.

The latest news about the Connecticut tragedy centers around the motive Adam Lanza had for killing his mother and 26 other people. It is alleged that Adam was aware that his mother was petitioning the court for conservatorship, so she could have him committed. A conservatorship refers to the legal responsibilities over a person who is mentally ill, including those who are psychotic, suicidal, incapacitated or is in some other way unable to make legal, medical or financial decisions on behalf of themselves.

As a mental health professional, I am aware of this, but I am not sure all my readers are and that is Adam's mother had to file for a conservatorship because her son was an adult. In the U.S., a parent can NOT commit an adult child into a hospital or psychiatric facility against his will. Which is why I stated last night that the majority of parents are left with few options other than the penal system to rehabilitate their adult child.

It saddens me that so many parents live in fear of their children, and I am sure you are saying to yourself.... "this couldn't happen to me! I know how to parent my child, set boundaries and limits, and provide the necessary guidance and discipline." The reality however is that in the past week alone, I have met two people who are in essence like Adam Lanza's mother. These are not uneducated individuals, nor are these individuals without parenting skills or love for their children. However, just like Adam Lanza's mother they are at their WIT'S end!!!! These parents walk amongst us, afraid of their child's behavior, feeling hopeless about how this private torture will end, and of course at the heart of the matter they are deeply worried about the future of their child. In the midst of this family nightmare, this wrecks havoc on the entire family system. Sometimes other siblings have to be removed from the family's home for their own safety and the mental illness of a child can test even the best of marriages. Certainly if Adam Lanza didn't snap, his mother would have.

I am in no way condoning or trying to explain the thinkings of Adam Lanza, but I do feel the need to pause and reflect on how this mom could be at her wit's end and yet no one was there to truly help her. A system gone VERY wrong, and as we can see the consequences are deadly. Innocent and precious young lives have been taken away and the families left behind have been dealt a blow of a lifetime of irreputable damage. Who was listening to the cries of Adam Lanza's mother? I wonder if someone did listen and offered help, would this have altered what happened on December 14th?