Monday, June 8, 2026

Monday, June 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2003. Mattie was a year old! He wasn't walking independently yet and this frustrated Mattie to no end. Yet he would scoot around the first floor, exploring, creating, and building. Mattie was busy working on something in the dining room, and he wasn't expecting me to be behind him taking a photo! Nonetheless, look at that adorable smile I received!

Quote of the day: Some people are going to leave, but that's not the end of your story. That's the end of their part in your story. ~ Faraaz Kazi

For two years, I have been communicating daily with a woman who lives in England. I met her through an on-line support group. I hated the support group, but it only took one session for this woman and I to instantly connect. So much so, that we have shared everyday together for the last two years. Some days, we are each other's life line, because it is hard to describe the nature of the pain, trauma, and heartbreak that we are experiencing. Our stories are different, but yet there are many overlaps. Last night, she went to a choir concert, and sent me a short video of one of the songs. When I heard the song, I immediately said to myself..... I know this! Because the song was performed in a big building, where the acoustics weren't the best, I couldn't hear the word. But I was determined to find the name of the song I was hearing. It came to me around 11pm. The song is..... and so it goes! There are many versions of this song, but the one that I absolutely love was performed by Billy Joel. I found the video and sent it to my friend. 

Though this song was written decades ago, it speaks so beautifully to heartbreak, pain, and being vulnerable. It turns out that Billy Joel wrote it after a break up. No surprise to me. If you have never heard this song, I attached it below. But the song ends with....

So I would choose to be with you

That's if the choice were mine to make

But you can make decisions too

And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you're the only one who knows

It is hard to live life with a heart broken. I am hoping with time that this hollow, empty, and decimated feeling will ease, but I am now two years and 9 months into this journey, and the pain remains. 

Sunday, June 7, 2026

Sunday, June 7, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That week we took Mattie to Boston to visit his grandparents. Along our journey we were headed to the Stone Zoo. But before going to the Zoo, we stopped to get Mattie some French fries. This was not an unusual sight..... I typically sat in the backseat with Mattie when he was a little fellow. But in this particular case he was very focused and eager to get his hands on the French fries. Of course no photo would be complete without Mattie's sippy cup of milk. We had a sippy cup with us regardless of the season, temperature, or time of day. It was Mattie's security blanket. 

Quote of the day: Take the time to enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~ Robert Brault

My friend Heidi sent me this photo today! Ironically it was taken on June 7, 2016. This is Heidi's daughter Isabel, on his high school graduation day! I have known Isabel since she was in middle school. Now she has graduated from medical school and is doing her residency. Truly amazing to see a young girl develop into a young woman! It is remarkable what can happen in ten years. Isabel spent her middle and high school years doing a great deal of volunteer work for Mattie Miracle, and I would like to think my story has influenced her career decision. 

This photo was taken at Washington Harbor, in Washington, DC. You can see the famous Watergate buildings in the background. At one time, I lived only a few blocks away from this Harbor. Sunny and I walked in this area daily! I miss seeing the Potomac River, I miss the way my life used to be, and as tonight's quote points out.... take the time to enjoy the little things. Because from my perspective, nothing is guaranteed, nothing is stable, and the only thing that is for certain is constant change. 

This weekend, I heard two different stories of fraud perpetrated on two people that I know. What kind of world do we live in that we need to live life in fear and angst? Given what happened to one of my friends, I was afraid that the person I was communicating with by text was NOT actually my friend. So literally I responded.... prove that it is you! This is how nuts I have become! My friend responded with just three words. It was from those three words that I knew immediately it was indeed my friend! I truly give her credit that she selected words that were instant triggers that only she and I would know. I know when dealing with fraud and identity theft, it isn't always easy to think straight, but I was impressed with her clarity! 

I actually relate to the panic and horror both of these women faced this weekend. We live in a world in which we have to be forever vigilant, on top of things, and bordering on paranoid. Who can we actually trust? In my case, I have learned that even people I thought I was the most closest to, also can't be trusted. I will forever be effected by this reality. 

Saturday, June 6, 2026

Saturday, June 6, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2005. Mattie was three years old. This kiddie pool came from my former mother-in-law. All the grandkids used it and Mattie loved it whenever we visited Boston. So she gave the pool to Mattie to take home. I can't tell you what our deck, outside our apartment, used to look like! We had the sand box, the pool, and toys on it. But this made Mattie happy and he loved his outdoor time. Even as a baby, Mattie was calmer and happier being outside.... regardless of the weather. So it was through Mattie that I learned the beauty of being surrounded by nature. 

Quote of the day: If you consider yourself a victim, you are not going to have a good life; if, however, you refuse to think of yourself as a victim–if you refuse to let your inner self be conquered by your external circumstances–you are likely to have a good life. ~ William B. Irvine

Are we a product of how we grew up? Are we influenced by certain norms in our formative years, and therefore these norms guide our lives? In my case the answer is YES! I had the opportunity to chat with the manager of our local diner today. I have gotten to know her over the last couple of years. She is younger than me and has experienced many life lessons. Here's the conclusion we have from our experiences.... we both feel that women need to be coached at an early age to be financially independent. Even if married, they need their own money, their own accounts, and to truly adopt the philosophy that they have to be independent from their spouse. 

I grew up in a traditional household. That said, my mom was a working professional, got a higher education (which was rare for women in her age bracket), and has a strong personality. Yet it was my dad who paid the bills and dealt with all the financial headaches of life. Naturally I learned a great deal from my parents, but unlike them, I am not a numbers person. Therefore, they sheltered me from the financial stresses of life. When I got married, again, I brought that traditional mindset into my marriage. I stayed out of the finances, because I deemed that as not my strength. But that was a big mistake. It was a mistake that I was treated as inadequate and even a bigger mistake to accept that pronouncement. 

What I have learned from my divorce is many painful things. But first and foremost is that I will always be in control of the finances. I will always know what is coming in and out every month. I hope to never, ever, relive the last three years of my life and it will take me some time to feel a level of financial stability and safety. 

At the end of the day however, I continue to wonder will I ever feel better? Will I ever feel more emotionally stable? I miss being married, I miss having a spouse, and most of all I miss who I deemed was my closest ally and friend. It leaves many, many holes in my life and as I learned with Mattie.... some holes can never be filled.

Friday, June 5, 2026

Friday, June 5, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That weekend we took him to the National Arboretum. By the entrance they had this wonderful water feature filled with koi. They sell food for the koi, so we thought Mattie would be interested in seeing the fish eat. As you can see, Mattie did not want to feed the fish himself. He left that to me, because he was unsure how to feed the fish or how they would come up out of the water to eat. So though I was not a nature buff, I learned to become one with Mattie! As you can see, Mattie was intrigued by the koi and was watching the whole process closely!

Quote of the day: No matter how bleak or menacing a situation may appear, it does not entirely own us. It can’t take away our freedom to respond, our power to take action. ~ Ryder Carroll

My dad's nurse visited this morning at 10am. She is helping me manage my dad's wound care. We have been managing two pressure sores for months now. It is a vicious cycle in which the pressure sores look like they are healing one day and then the next day they are open again and bleeding. I am working around the clock on wound care and I can't tell you the countless number of foam wound care bandages I have bought in two months. Medicare only provides a VERY limited number..... try a box of 10 bandages, which they expect will last me ten days. I can go through a box of 10 in a day and a half. Mainly because where the wounds are located, the bandages get messed up and pull away from the skin multiple times during the day. 

After that appointment, I dropped my dad off at his memory care program, and went grocery shopping. While checking out, my favorite store employee was there and I said hello to her. Frankly given her reaction, I assume most people don't greet her or chat with her. I do every week! I know about her mom and dad, and I always do a check in on how they are feeling. Today, before I left, she told me she had the weekend off and was going to try to have a more relaxing two days, away from people! I think when you work in the service industry, of any kind, you absorb other people's stresses, demands, and even not such nice behavior. I heard her and I said to her.... I appreciate you, you do an excellent job here, and I look forward to seeing you each week. All I can say is you would have thought she won the lottery. She was so thankful for what I said. 

As I was driving home, my mind was swirling with all sorts of emotions. When I am in the are alone (the only place I can be alone .... when running chores), the feelings of my many losses typically hit me. I am at a traffic light, waiting for it to turn green, and my eyes were filled with tears. I happened to look over to the car next to me, and there was a man, staring right back at me. At the same time, we smiled at each other. It was the smile that flipped an emotional switch in me, from tears, to once again, experiencing the kindness of another human being. 

I then visited our local bank today. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my bank. I know the managers and all the tellers. Literally I walk in and I am greeted with.... hello Victoria! One of the tellers cares for her mom, who is in her eighties. I have been following her mom's saga with knee surgery and her recovery for months. But in our conversation today, the concept of kindness and humanity came up. The topic of losing our humanity came up! My problem is I always look for the good in people. I can make excuses for bad behavior and try to understand each person's plight in life. But what I notice (for the most part) is when you act human.... listen, show kindness, compassion, and understanding.... people usually can rise to the occasion and reflect these beautiful traits right back. 

All these interactions today, inspired me to get the courage to come home, focus, and process through mortgage assumption paperwork. Ironically, the two people I could always count on in my life to give sound advice are no longer able to help me. Therefore, even doing mortgage paperwork reminds me of my many, many losses.  

Thursday, June 4, 2026

Thursday, June 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That day we took Mattie to the National Mall. When we lived in the city, the Mall was literally blocks from our home. It was the best location! If I could erase the last five years and could have remained in that location, my life would be so different now. What I love about this photo was that Mattie was ALL business. He was literally propelling me forward because he was eager to get to the reflecting pool, where all the ducks congregated. Those were the days and I am quite certain while in that moment, I had NO IDEA how lucky I was, and how DRASTICALLY life would be altered. 

Quote of the day: The secret of the care of the patient is in caring for the patient. ~ Francis Peabody

My parents had their cardiology appointments today. My dad sees this doctor every six months and my mom, once a year. We LOVE this doctor. He is close to my age and he is Italian. Given our common backgrounds, he gets along splendidly with my parents. I met this doctor in 2022, when my dad was having issues with his vitals. His pulse would drop to 40 and below, when exercising and moving about (a normal pulse is 60 - 100). Given the severity of my dad's issues in 2022, his primary care doctor got us an appointment with a cardiologist the very next day. That was when we met this amazing cardiologist. You want to know how much time he spends with us at each visit? Try an hour! We got in at 11am and he literally talks to us through part of his lunch break! A very unique, compassionate, and highly competent physician. If we could only clone him. We have gotten to know about his wife, his children, we have followed him along his weigh loss journey, his training for a marathon with his daughter, and even about his summer plans. Any one who thinks that relating to a patient like a human being doesn't matter, has never been a patient. In fact, the way doctors make us feel is directly related to how effective we feel the medical care is being provided.

Today the doctor was telling us about his family's summer plans. I listen to this man talk about his love of his family and what he does to ensure their happiness and I wonder..... how lucky his wife is! How is it that I did not meet him or someone like him? NO ANSWERS, but ONLY MORE QUESTIONS.

Meanwhile, I have anxiously been awaiting my MRI results. Thankfully they came in today and nothing was found. Another year down! I do not take such good news lightly, because I learned first hand with Mattie how life can change in a second, after just one test! I truly do not know how I could handle being sick or incapacitated because I balance so much in any given day. I am the rudder on our broken down ship!

But of course any good news in my life is always followed with another problem. On my doorstep today was a two inch package from the bank. I am so sick of paperwork, legal mumbo jumbo, and financial stress. I have gone from a woman who did not pay a bill, to a woman who is handling bills, medical expenditures, credit card fraud, a divorce, lots of lawyers, and now trying to assume my mortgage. It is beyond hateful and just when I think my life will stabilize, another nightmare falls onto my plate. I feel like I am being tested..... how much can one woman take? I guess we will find out. 

Wednesday, June 3, 2026

Wednesday, June 3, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2003. Mattie was one! My parents were visiting from Los Angeles and we took Mattie to the Reston Zoo! Back then, I lived in the city, so going to the Reston Zoo was a good 40 minute drive. But it was worth the trip. It was the perfect Zoo for Mattie. Truly geared toward younger kids, with the opportunity to have a hands on experience with feeding the animals. Mattie had several encounters with the goats and as you can see by Mattie's big smile.... he LOVED it! 

Quote of the day: Because that’s what kindness is. It’s not doing something for someone else because they can’t, but because you can. ~ Andrew Iskander

I got up earlier than usual today because I had to get my dad to his memory care center by 10am, so that I could get on the road and head into town for my MRI. Last year when I took this test, I literally was so ill after it, I couldn't leave the radiology center for an hour. My head was spinning, I was very dizzy, and nauseous! So I had no idea what was in store for me today and even worse, my mom insisted on coming. I tried every which way to convince her to stay home, but my mom has always been the kind of person who doesn't like missing out on what's going on around her. Now that feeling has been magnified by ten. 

The traffic was moving this morning and I got to the testing site early. My mom and I went inside and once I was called to go back, I reminded my mom that this test could be anywhere between 20-40 minutes long. The tech who worked with me today was Aggie. She was charming, kind, and very professional. I told her about my dizziness and illness last year and this piece of information was important to her, as it altered how she got me off the scanning table at the end of the procedure. 

I have endured countless MRIs in the past! As a chronic migraine sufferer, you get used to many brain MRIs. I never got dizzy and nauseous with any of them. But I think a breast MRI is different, or at least it is for me, because of the position. I am face down, with pressure on my sinuses, head, and rib cage. In fact, after being on that scanner today, my ribs hurt terribly now. But as soon as she got me on the scanner and my head went down on the table, the dizziness started! In fact, my whole head felt like it was spinning out of control. I had to endure the test, so all I did was I tried to breath and calm down. But when dizzy and my head is spinning, it is very easy for my anxiety level to rise exponentially. 

Aggie kept me posted every step of the way and having information while lying still and in a machine is a blessing! She could tell I was anxious, as my breathing rate was super fast, which can also alter the images. She encouraged me to calm down. Rather funny.... when you tell someone to try to calm down, guess what happens? THE OPPOSITE! But I rationalized that I had to pull it together and I managed through the scan in 30 minutes. 

Once the scan was over, Aggie came back into the room. At that point, she instructed me to move very slowly. In addition, once I was upright, she wouldn't let me leave the scanning table. Instead, she had to get used to being upright and made me drink a bottle of water. I do think moving slowly, drinking fluid, and also pre-medicating myself with Zofran (an anti-nausea med) made a huge difference. I was still out of it, but I could function. 

When I went back out to the waiting area, my mom was a nervous wreck and apparently had asked the front desk staff several times..... where I was? I assure you her anxiety adds to my stress level, and I was already stressed over this test. I then got my mom into the car and I had all the windows down. I was scheduled to meet a Foundation donor in the parking lot right after my test. This donor was kind enough to meet me to pick up a raffle item she won! I have never met this donor before, but she has been a contributor for 17 years! So I truly wanted to thank her and get to know her. Despite telling my mom that I would be right near the car, that I was meeting a donor for a few minutes, and then we would leave..... she got confused. In fact, she tried calling me four times while I was chatting. I did not have my phone out, and it was on silent, so I did not know she was calling me. But I was literally 20 feet from the car. When I got back to the car, again, my mom was very stressed out. She was hot and she did not have the wherewithal to open the car door, or even get out of the car. As you can imagine, this was why I wanted my mom to remain home. 

I took my mom out for tea today and while at Starbuck's, a customer commented on the headband I was wearing. She loves headbands too and literally we got to talking. So much so that she pulled up a chair, sat with us, and we chatted for about thirty minutes. Hysterical no? We learned about each other's lives, and I told her about Mattie Miracle! Since I wear my wedding ring, she assumed I was married. When I told her that I was recently divorced, you want to know her response (keep in mind I told her nothing about the circumstances)? She said, the problem is NOT with you! This woman does a lot of volunteer work and interfaces with the community constantly. She views herself as a good judge of character. Frankly I think she is part empath! She reads feelings in others very well. In any case, she said to me that she just met me, and yet can feel my kindness and was so impressed that I took the loss of Mattie and have tried to help other children with cancer. She also said I am easy to talk with and I have a very loving vibe. I will never forget meeting Diana, and before she left, she wished me happiness and to find someone who will really appreciate me. Kind thought, but NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I am done with romantic relationships period. 

When I got home with my parents today, I was planning on working on the Foundation's 17th anniversary video. But my friend Denise wrote and suggested I spend time outside. Given the day that I had, I followed that advice and went outside for an hour to do yard work and weeding. That is my therapy!

Tuesday, June 2, 2026

Tuesday, June 2, 2026 -- Mattie died 848 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old and had recently picked out his first bicycle. I absolutely loved our commons space in the city. It was fully enclosed, so there were no cars or strangers walking around. In this space Mattie learned to walk, run, play with our neighbor's dog, fly a kite, bicycle ride, blow bubbles and even drive Speedy Red! It is a space forever etched in my mind, and I am quite certain if we never moved, my life would look very different from how it does now. 

Quote of the day: And here you are living despite it all. ~ Rupi Kaur

Last night I was so strung out from a three hour long mortgage call that I couldn't cook dinner. My mom was a nervous wreck and I thought she was going to be physically ill. I do not only absorb my own stress, I also take on all the issues my parent's face. It is a lot for one person. It takes great strength, determination, and courage to manage all that I do alone. Any one of my issues would send most people over the deep end, I have all these issues going on at once, and I do not have the time to have a break down, as I have two 90-year-olds relying on me. 

While on the mortgage call, the question always is... what do I do, and what is my income? Hot button questions for me! I have devoted my life, after Mattie died, to running Mattie Miracle. I have used my education and therapeutic training to build this Foundation from the ground up! I am a one woman show.... I do the administration, correspondence with donors, fundraising, all the legal paperwork, financial reports, and the list goes on! Do you want to know how much I have earned from my 17 years of work? NOTHING, $0! I have nothing to show for my 17 years of work, nothing that would mean anything to a bank! The bank doesn't care about me helping 35,000 children, 2,500 families a year, and the list goes on! I have to say it is a humbling reality! But a reality and a choice that was made, because I was married. I did not have to focus on an income. But if I had a crystal ball and knew that one day I would be divorced, then I would have made different decisions altogether. Decisions that would have given me independence and a financial future. I swear I could take this learning lesson on the road to educate young woman. I now tell every young woman I meet... always, always, always have your own bank account, save money, and only YOU should have access to this account. It is a cynical way of looking at the world and at relationships, but if someone really loves you, then they will understand your desire to protect yourself!

Today was a day with two nurse visits.... one a neurology nurse, who is tracking my dad's December 2025 brain bleed, and the other who is helping me with pressure sore care. I have been dealing with my dad's pressure sores for months now. Just when I think they are sealing up and healing, they open up again and start bleeding. It is a vicious cycle, which constantly reminds me.... I am NOT in control of this situation, or any situation for that matter! 

Tomorrow, I am headed for an hour long breast MRI. I do this annually as I am high risk for breast cancer. This is one test I absolutely hate, as you do it face down in the machine. But there is something about this particular testing location, because the MRI magnets impact my head. After an hour in their MRI room, I am dizzy, have a migraine, and I am nauseous. I do not get this reaction at the hospital, but given that my insurer requires me to pay a high fee for this testing, I choose this location because the out of pocket cost isn't thousands of dollars (like it would be at the hospital). Any case, tomorrow, I am pre-medicating myself with my migraine anti-nausea meds and I hope this will help me. Needless to say, any time I go for testing of any kind, I am acutely aware that my life and health can change with one result. The biggest problem however, is I no longer have my other half, my emergency contact. Getting a divorce from the one you love, has life long, daily, and dire consequences. I am reminded of this constantly, over and over again, and the pain never seems to dissipate. 

Monday, June 1, 2026

Monday, June 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old and he took part in the creation of this step stool! Mattie was very proud of his John Deere tractor themed step stool for the bathroom. Do you know to this day, I still have this stool? It sits in my office and I occasionally even use it. I am surrounded daily by Mattie's things and creations, but despite all these wonderful things, they do not take the place of having his presence in my life. 

Quote of the day: In the end, just three things matter: How well we have lived. How well we have loved. How well we have learned to let go. ~ Jack Kornfield

It has been a very long day! I literally had a three hour long phone call this evening that was mind numbing. I can't tell you the inordinate stress that I am under as I work hard to assume my house's mortgage. 

My morning started by taking my parents to the eye doctor. This is an exam that frightens my mom to no end. I have learned that I can't let her do any sort of testing without my presence. So I literally jumped between my mom and dad's exam room. But today, we worked with a different assistant. This woman was patient, kind, and compassionate. She understood that my mom had fears, so she explained everything she was doing, gave positive feedback and made my mom feel at ease! Guess what? My mom had a much more relaxing and successful visit! It goes back to what I always say..... It is Not just about the medicine! Any good medical provider knows this and lives out Mattie Miracle's tagline! Unfortunately our healthcare system doesn't reward patience and compassion, therefore I think over time, these vital psychosocial attributes get squelched right out of the professional. 

I am signing off for today, as I am filled with too much anxiety and stress to write much more!

Sunday, May 31, 2026

Sunday, May 31, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That weekend we took Mattie to a botanical garden. The garden had wonderful fountains. Whereas I may have liked the look of the fountain or the sound the cascading water made, what cause Mattie's attention was always what was in the fountain! Mattie got me to look at the world and everything in it in a different way and his presence and energy are deeply missed. 

Quote of the day: By the darkness, stars are revealed. ~ Evette Carter

Do you see Mattie Moon? A glorious moon was shining brightly into our home the other night. Literally I thought a car's headlights were shining into our home, that was how bright it was! But when I went to look, sure enough, it was Mattie Moon reminding me..... he's thinking of me and looking out for me!

Later this afternoon, I got back outside and transplanted my Sunny hibiscuses back into these big clay pots. I bought these hibiscus in 2024, the year my Sunny died. They are a tribute to an amazing dog and companion. I had no idea that I could bring these plants into the house and winterize them there, but I learned this from my former mother-in-law. So literally I dig up these plants in the fall and put them in pots inside the house and then in the spring, I dig them out of their winter pots and put them in these beautiful clay pots. So far I have been able to keep these beauties going for two years! They produce the most glorious big yellow sunny flowers! 

I am NOT an orchid person, my other half was. He had many orchids thriving in our family room. I unfortunately killed most of them off, except for this one. To my amazement they are now shooting out stalks which means I will be getting blooms. I literally can't believe I got this to happen! 

I took my parents out to our local diner today! When I tell you I know practically everyone who works there, I am NOT kidding. Our server treated my mom and me today to this 24 layer chocolate cake. This was an out of the blue surprise, which maybe the best kind. 

While at the diner, the Peter Cetera song, the Glory of Love, came on. For those of you who read my previous blogs know that this song transports me back to when I was in high school, as I heard this song in the movie, the Karate Kid. A movie that was transformative for me, as just like the main character I too was uprooted from the East Coast to California. Ever since high school, whenever I would hear the song, The Glory of Love, playing, it usually was a sign that a good thing was about to happen. Sounds strange I am sure, but I have countless examples to prove my point. Any case, tomorrow, I am faced with doing another challenging task that isn't in my comfort zone, and I am hoping that this song will bring me the luck and strength that I need. 

Saturday, May 30, 2026

Saturday, May 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That weekend, we took Mattie to a special butterfly house at the Smithsonian. It was a magical moment being in this enclosed space will all those marvelous butterflies! Ironically whenever we went to a butterfly house, a butterfly would always land up sitting on Mattie. He loved it! Of course, now whenever I see a butterfly, I take it as a special visit in nature from my Mattie! These moments typically occur when I most need them!

Quote of the day: Life chips away at us all. Some play the victim. Some choose to be a survivor. And then there are those who choose to conquer. ~ Author Unknown

It is hard to imagine that it is 8:45pm! Today has been an absolute blur. It was a non-stop laundry day.... five loads processed and put away. The linens on my parent's bed needed to be totally changed today and given that my dad uses 20 pillows to prop him up at night, it is a big job. I am tired and disillusioned, so not much else to say today! May tomorrow be a better day!

Friday, May 29, 2026

Friday, May 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. It was Memorial Day weekend and we took Mattie to Sesame Street Place in Pennsylvania. I learned about this theme park through Mattie's preschool. It is geared toward preschoolers and since Mattie LOVED Elmo, he was very excited to visit. While at the park we bought Mattie an Elmo balloon! But then a life sized Elmo was walking around and he gave Mattie another balloon! As you can see the park has a photo op of the classic Sesame Street green door and steps, seen on every episode! It was a weekend I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. ~ Marcus Aurelius

Today is like my last straw! I have so many issues and problems now stacking up all around me. However, I feel until I manage this mortgage assumption, everything else is on hold. Clearly my life isn't complicated enough, so why not throw more on Vicki. 

While working on my computer, I heard tapping! At first I thought it was my mom upstairs, but then I realized.... NO! It is a woodpecker! I am a big nature person, but this bird is driving me crazy! Look at the big holes he is making!

This is when I want to scream! I lost my life partner, who I could turn to, and together we would take on these challenges. These holes are located right near my outdoor stairs, making it impossible to get on a ladder and fix the holes and perhaps put a bird deterrent in the area!

See the stairs! I even tried to open my office window to stand on the ledge to deal with this problem, but don't you know it.... the window is sealed shut. I can't open it! It is stuck! Literally it is the story of my life, a life that I am left to balance alone. 

Some days, I am so so angry, and all I can say is that fortunately I am not a violent person, because I can absolutely understand how emotions could take over when someone is so deeply hurt!

Any case, I was chatting with my former mother-in-law, and we have devised a scheme. I bought a water soaker (you know the ones kids use), and I plan on filling it with water and vinegar. When that bird starts pecking, he will get doused! I have to change his behavior, so that he pecks a tree and not the house! Until I correct his behavior, it makes no sense in filling the holes! Seriously since 2023, I have faced just about every possible crisis and unfortunately the issues just keep piling up!

Thursday, May 28, 2026

Thursday, May 28, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that week we transitioned him from his crib/day bed to a real twin mattress. Mattie was thrilled and was so proud to be in a "big boy" bed! Mattie and I picked out sheets and he selected Bob the Builder! Of course we got other sheet sets along with way, but Bob the Builder was his first. Mattie was so happy about his bed that mid-day he jumped into it with his clothes on!

Quote of the day: Your problem is not that you can’t take it. You are taking it. You have been taking it. You take it every day. ~ Cheryl Strayed

It was another early morning! Today I had to take my dad for an echocardiogram. His last one was two years ago, and since we see the cardiologist next week, the office wanted this data on hand. I am cognizant that my dad has been diagnosed with early stages of heart failure. I tend not to dwell on that and I certainly haven't conveyed that information to my parents, because this would be pointless information for them to worry about. 

Given that my dad injured his back during his hospitalization two weeks ago, it is very difficult getting him up on a table for a scan or in this case a sonogram of the heart. Today's tech was young and truly had NO APPRECIATION for older adults who live with chronic back pain. The tech wanted my dad up on the scanning table and to turn on his side. I basically told the tech that wasn't going to happen. I really think health care professionals think at first that I am exaggerating.... that my dad can do more than I am telling them. Then they see my dad move and immediately they get what I have been telling them! Any case, my dad was moaning in pain throughout the sonogram today because his back was hurting on the table. I had his back propped up and his knees bent, but it did not help. The tech wouldn't help me move my dad so I did it alone. Fortunately I know how to do this, but what if I didn't?

As soon as I got my dad back into the car, he had a bathroom accident, so I had to head straight home to clean him up, change his wound care, and give him Advil for pain. Later today, I got outside into the backyard to beginning weeding. With all the rain we have been having, the weeds are out of control! I spent two hours out there but it is like holding back the ocean. 

While outside, I had two turtle encounters...................................

This is a box or painted turtle! This fellow was just sitting by my garden gate. It was rather funny because it was almost like he wanted me to open the gate to come out!

This is a wood turtle! A rarer turtle to find in one's backyard because they typically like living near water. The distinctive mark of the wood turtle is its pyramidal shape of the plates on its upper shell! This turtle was large, about the length of the brick!

Wednesday, May 27, 2026

Wednesday, May 27, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. Mattie grew up learning that laundry was in the basement of our building. Regardless of the weather, I had to leave our apartment, go outside (sometimes it was raining or snowing!), to go back into the building, onto the elevator to go three floors down to the basement. When Mattie was a baby, I was carrying him and pushing the cart, and as he got older, he would either walk, ride his bicycle, or hop into the cart. What I would never do is leave Mattie home unattended, so he got used to doing all sorts of chores with me! I truly do not know how I manage laundry for all of us over the decades, but I did it! It was our way of life and I never complained. I think sometimes that it is easy to forget that these chores done for the entire family are acts of love, and it is work, just unpaid. 

Quote of the day: Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. ~ Mahatma Ghandi

 

It was another long day, as I took both of my parents to the physical rehab medicine physician today! In order to make this happen, I got up at 5am. When I got up, I went downstairs to feed Indie. I literally walked into a nightmare as she had vomited all over the basement and pooped everywhere! I was NOT a happy camper. I spent thirty minutes cleaning up that nightmare and completely cleaning out her litter boxes. I clean them daily, but she obviously wanted the boxes cleaned out completely and given new litter. 

My parents both had good doctor appointments and literally when the health care team asked how I was, I looked at them because I am NOT used to people asking about me. My parent's doctor is very aware of the the massive role I play in their lives and I am quite certain if my dad wasn't living with me, he probably would have died years ago. 

But back to the question.... how am I? To me that is a loaded question. For the most part, I typically do not give an accurate response, because truly who wants to hear my saga.... and it is a saga! I am not sure how I carry on each and everyday, or find a way forward. Which leads me to a topic I listened to on the radio last week. The commentator was talking about people turning to artificial intelligence for emotional support. He even went on to say that chat bots perform harder on the question asked of them, if you use pleasantries like "please" and "thank you." I listened to all of this and was left perplexed. I am perplexed that a human being with complex thoughts, emotions and experiences could think that a computer of any kind could possibly serve as a friend or confidante. Moving passed that, what difference does it make using pleasantries with a computer? 

Ironically I came across an article on this topic, and toward the end of the article, it stated....

The philosopher Immanuel Kant argued that one reason you shouldn't be cruel to animals is that it's also damaging to yourself. Essentially, being unfriendly to anything makes you a harsher person. You can't hurt AIs feelings because it doesn't have any, but maybe you should be nice anyway. It’s a habit that could benefit other parts of your life. 

This whole statement left me baffled. Baffled because whether I bark out a command to a computer or not, has no impact, effect, or consequence to me as a person. Whether I ask a question bluntly or kindly, to me it doesn't matter. I do not think it makes me a harsher person or an unfeeling one. It makes me practical and I think personalizing a thing, a device, a computer.... sets the wrong tone in our lives. Humanizing a thing, I believe, is a slippery slope for our society. Turning to computers for factual answers is one thing, turning to a computer to replace human to human interactions will have long term negative consequences on our mental and emotional health. I have no doubt if I were to share (which I never would.... NOT my style) my last two years with a chat bot, all I would get back is some trite responses! There is NO possible way a computer could have the empathy, compassion, or insight to delve into complex emotional issues, help me when I am distraught, or provide the hope necessary to make it to the next day. Yet people are doing this daily and it leaves me saddened that it is deemed safer and just as effective to have these types of meaningless connections than it is talk, connect, and chat with a real person!

Tuesday, May 26, 2026

Tuesday, May 26, 2026 -- Mattie died 847 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that day he picked out his very first bicycle! As you can see, Mattie was very excited with this purchase and our commons area in Washington, DC was the perfect way to learn to ride! This commons area holds special memories for me, as it was where Mattie learned to fly a kite, ride a bicycle, play with a dog, and even drive Speedy Red (his ride-on vehicle). 

Quote of the day: You just can’t beat the person who never gives up. ~ Babe Ruth

One of the routines that I do every morning is I use my hand held Dyson vacuum to clean up the first floor. Cleaning and organizing enables me to feel in control of my completely out of control life. Some of you may recall that about a year ago the battery in this vacuum died. I panicked, but had the wherewithal to jump on the Dyson chat feature. That was how I learned about getting a replacement battery, rather than having to throw the whole machine out. When I received the battery, I couldn't unscrew the old one, as I just didn't have the hand strength. So I text messaged my neighbor and I literally went to his house with the vacuum and the battery in tow! He fixed it for me!

So yesterday when the vacuum head broke off, again I got upset. This vacuum was purchased for me by my other half when we bought the house in 2021. I refuse to throw this gift out, and instead have worked on replacing it piece by piece. Just like I did last year, I went back on Dyson chat and together with the help of the representative, I learned about a replacement vacuum head. I am so grateful for Dyson chat, the ability to share photos with them, and their diagnosis and treatment of the problem. Needless to say, a replacement head will come to me this week in the mail, as I am determined to keep this particular machine operational!

It was a hellish day, as I had to take my parents to the hospital, as my dad had to get a CT scan of his head. This was a planned assessment to follow up on his brain bleed from December of 2025. I can appreciate why the neurology team does these periodic tests, but what they don't understand is how complex it is to get a 91 year old to the hospital and let's not talk about getting him onto a CT scan table! Because the hospital requires a lot of walking, I used Mattie's wheelchair today, but it took four of us to get my dad out of the chair and positioned on the table. Once the scan was done, we tried to get my dad to sit up, and swing his legs and feet toward the floor! That was when he started screaming with back pain. His screaming was so intense that the supervisor of the area came running in! I assured him that my dad was okay, and that he has chronic back pain. In fact, my dad is unable to lie flat. He physically can't do it! His neck and head are frozen and he is also unable to straighten out his legs. So when I tell you it is torturous to get him onto scanning tables, I am not kidding. But it isn't just on scan tables, I play all sorts of games to get my dad in and out of bed each day. Every night, as I position him in bed, I am literally standing on top of the mattress, in order to be able to push his back forward to shove pillows behind him. Literally that I don't need a physical therapist myself is remarkable. 

Overall however, I am deeply stressed out about the mortgage assumption and just life in general. Some days I understand the reality of my existence and other days, I just don't get it. It is so confusing to be married for decades, and now not to be. It is like learning that the sky is really the ground and the ground is the sky, and finding out that I had these two backward all of my life. It is confusing, disorienting, and it leaves me questioning every aspect of my life.   

Monday, May 25, 2026

Monday, May 25, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day we ventured to Andrews Air Force base to attend their annual air show. Since Mattie was fascinated by planes and the military, this seemed like the perfect adventure. This was our first and only visit to the air show, but it was a day I will never forget. Mattie got to tour through planes, meet military members, and even see the Thunderbirds perform. The show was unforgettable and the sound was deafening. It left us all in awe of the incredible service members in our country. 

Quote of the day: Our debt to the heroic men and valiant women in the service of our country can never be repaid. They have earned our undying gratitude. ~ Harry S. Truman

When I was married, our tradition was to watch the National Capitol Memorial Day Concert. Living so close to the National Mall at the time, made the whole concert even more meaningful to us. Now that I am divorced, I still continue the tradition with my parents. My dad served in the US Army, as a surgical nurse. He is very proud of his service and has some amazing stories. Stories which he can still recall.... everything from assisting with a leg amputation to riding in a gurney outside a helicopter, high up in the air! Though my dad may not be clued into everything, he is still moved by music, patriotism, and learning about service members. 

If you did not see the concert last night, I included a link to some of the service members honored at the concert. Chuck Kohler was in the audience. He is 102 years old and the last Pearl Harbor survivor. Hearing Noah Wyle eloquently deliver Chuck's story to the audience was so powerful, as Chuck was just a teenager in the Navy. Chuck grew up in a poor family and he wanted to leave home and make a life for himself. On the day that Pearl Harbor was attacked, he was in a building typing a note to his family. What was a happy moment, turned into great tragedy. When the bombing started, he was told to retreat and jump into a dug out area. However, he was going to have NONE of that, and instead, went to get ammunition and began the fight. He said if he was going to die, he was going to die fighting for his country. Truly a remarkable story and it is hard to believe that he is the only Pearl Harbor survivor still alive, and I can imagine what history and memories will die with him.

The other story that captured my heart was Patricia Horoho. Patricia is a nurse by training who was at the Pentagon on September 11, 2001. She was one of the first responders on the scene and heroically helped over 75 patients. Her story is moving, and given that I was alive and experienced this national catastrophe it has even deeper meaning to me. I remember September 11th like it were yesterday. I was home and pregnant with Mattie, and my other half was at work. I will never forget the horror and panic. I felt distraught and unable to determine whether we needed to evacuate the city. The only consolation for me personally that day was that I wasn't alone. That I had someone who was coming home to me, and that we would face this tragedy together. 

I am beyond overwhelmed hearing the stories of service members, and listening to why they serve! So many of us can't comprehend giving our lives up for a cause, for the greater good. I am in awe of those who are willing to put their life on the line for our freedom and security and I am naturally heartbroken for gold star families and families who lost a loved one in September 11. I did not lose Mattie through service to our country or through terrorism. My enemy in childhood cancer, and yet I share the same pain and sadness of all parents whose children have died. For those of us left behind, our lives are forever changed. We remember our children always, we want to hear their names, and with each milestone and holiday, we wonder.... what would our child be like today?  

Sunday, May 24, 2026

Sunday, May 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie assembled this train track with overhead arches. This set up took up a lot of space, but all of us were used to this, including Patches. Patches was our calico cat! She was the best cat and as soon as we brought Mattie home from the hospital in 2002, she understood..... he was precious cargo and she had to behave. My hope is that Mattie and Patches have reunited and that Sunny (who never met either of them), has joined forces with them. 

Quote of the day: Sometimes, life will kick you around, but sooner or later, you realize you’re not just a survivor. You’re a warrior, and you’re stronger than anything life throws your way. ~ Brooke Davis

This afternoon, I took my parents out to our local diner. Since we go there weekly, I know all the managers and most of the servers. We tend to work with the same server each week, and each week we learn more about this server's life, his wife, and his three children. Today he surprised us, as two of his children were in the diner. One is 10 years old and the other is 6. Both of the children knew who we were! But what surprised me was the children were eager to chat with us, were very kind, and wanted to make a connection. I was very touched by their manners, kindness, and how much they respect their dad. On the way out of the diner today, their dad said to me..... see why I work so hard (he works multiple jobs, six days a week, 12 hour days)? Indeed, it was clear and what was even more clear to me is that when love and commitment are present, one will always rise to the challenges presented in life. 

When I got home, I found a package at my front door. I opened it up and found these charming cat towels looking up at me. They are from my former mother-in-law. An absolutely insane title I am required to legally use, for someone I have known since I was 19. She doesn't like the whole "former" title, so she now just tells people I am her daughter. 

We are cat lovers and also love flowers and gardening. When I wonder did my former life exist, I can now just look at these towels as another reminder. It was another hard week on top of many tough and heartbreaking years, so today's gift of love perked me up. 

Saturday, May 23, 2026

Saturday, May 23, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008. It is hard to believe that two months later Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. We absolutely loved going to Calvert Cliffs Park in Maryland. It is a truly unique experience, because you have to walk about a mile or so into the woods, but at the end of the trail, it leads to a beach on the Chesapeake Bay. Not just an ordinary beach either, because if you are patient and do some digging, you will find fossilized shark teeth! I can't tell you how many Mattie collected over the years! We always brought with us shovels, pails, and Ziploc bags to collect the teeth! It was an adventure that I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: FEAR has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run. Face Everything And Rise. ~ Zig Ziglar

When I say that I am very tired, it truly doesn't highlight the extent of my physical and emotion distress. In fact, I do not think there is a word in the English language that truly captures my exhaustion and depleted state. This morning, I dragged myself out of bed, because if I do not get it together, nothing in my house operates. 

After my full morning routine, I literally went back upstairs and I got in bed and rested my eyes for 15 minutes. That was as much rest as I could handle based on my level of anxiety and stress. It is very hard for me to rest, to relax, and to sit still. If I attempt to do this I can feel a complete uneasiness and tension rising in my entire body, that jolts me to move. 

From trying to rest, I popped up and continued chores, such as endless laundry. But then I decided.... I have to start exercising. I have about a month now to get my cholesterol under control, as my doctor is testing me in the beginning of July. He feels that my heightened and long term stress are contributing to these levels and therefore wants me to exercise. Sounds lovely, but he has no idea what my days look like. That said, I grabbed my sneakers today and headed to the basement. Of course Indie was in tow!

The basement has so many memories for me. The first memory is the flood in September of 2021. We had just moved into the house, and we had a rain storm. At 2am, water was flowing in from the door and rising. There was two inches of water and we worked for hours to get the water out as quickly as it was coming in. Thankfully at that time we hadn't moved anything into the basement. The previous owner had a basement door that had big cracks in it, and naturally it was the perfect entry for water! 

The second memory was when my parents moved into our house in December of 2021. Literally our basement was filled with boxes. This took months to dig out of this nightmare. 

I had such high hopes for the basement! But when I got separated those hopes, like so many others, went right out the window. As you can see the original plan was to make a media area, so we could enjoy movies together. 

Now the one who primarily loves the basement is Indie. You can see her liter boxes on the rug. That was the rug she was going on for months. Now with two boxes on the rug, she hasn't had an accident since. Yay Indie!

But here's the funny thing..... I did not know how to operate this TV! The last time my Verizon angel was over, we went down to the basement with me. We sat together, and we figured out how to get the TV on, how to access the cable, and adjust the sound. That may sound easy, but it was not, specifically because there is no cable box downstairs, so you have to get on remotely, yet I could never locate the Verizon app on the TV. It is thanks to the Verizon angel, that I was able to figure out how to turn on the TV today and of course tuned into my favorite station.... Hallmark. While watching a movie, I walked on the treadmill for twenty minutes and did 4 minutes on the elliptical. The doctor has told me to start slowly, and I have listened to his advice. It is my hope that I can continue to be motivated to go downstairs and take care of my own health. 

Friday, May 22, 2026

Friday, May 22, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008. I will always remember this moment in time. It was a Friday afternoon, and a lovely weather day. We decided to take Mattie on a boat ride around the Potomac River. Since Mattie was into boats, we figured this would be a fun activity for him. I think what was so special and memorable about this activity for me was that it wasn't planned. It just was something we decided to do in that moment. The tour boat's name was the Matthew Hayes! After Mattie died, whenever I would see the Matthew Hayes on the River, I naturally am transported back to this exact moment in time. 

Quote of the day: You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. ~  Frederick Buechner

This morning, my dad's nurse came over to assess his multiple pressure sores. The nurse visits twice a week. She and I have been actively treating these sores for weeks now, but when my dad got home from the hospital, his situation seemed much worse. 

The good news is the urology team got back to me today and they have agreed, my dad can stop taking Flomax and he doesn't need to start an alternative, since he had a bad reaction to Flomax. What I have learned about caring for older adults is.... less is more! Meaning, the more medications one takes, the more side effects a caregiver is going to be juggling. 

I tend to go grocery shopping for the week on Fridays. I remember when I first started shopping at this particular store, I thought..... I am never going to figure this out. The store is enormous, the aisles are big, and I really did not think I could learn where items were in the store. However, now that I have been going to this store for two years now, I zoom around the store like it is the back of my hand. It is amazing what the brain can learn. One of the things I love about this store is that it has an overhead toy train that goes around on a track. Naturally kids in the store LOVE it, and whenever I see the train.... I think of Mattie. He would have absolutely loved watching this train go around. 

Have you ever thought about the check out process of a grocery store? Some people will only go to the area where there is a live person to check them out and some people prefer the self check out option. Prior to getting divorced, I would always go to a live person. But since 2023, that all went out the window. I do not want to wait on line, I do not want to bag groceries in the order that the check out person places them on the conveyor belt, and the list goes on. So no matter how many items I have in my cart, and I mean it, I go to the self check out area. All the ladies monitoring the self check out area know me. They also know not to mess with me, as I can get through the process quite quickly with no help, even with a cart filled with much more than 20 items! One store employee is fascinated with how I get all my bags to fit into their smallest cart, and each time she sees me, she suggests I use a bigger cart. My response is always, NO.... Watch, I can get it to fit!

Today was a busy day in the grocery store and at self check out. While working on scanning my things, I shouted out.... Hi Shelly. Shelly is one of the store monitors! Shelly and I talk weekly about caregiving and other things! Any case, today she said to me.... before you check out, flag me over! So like she suggested, I scanned all my items and before I paid for the items, I waved her over. Out of her pocket she took a 10% discount coupon! She explained to me that a fellow customer gave it to her. Since he wasn't going to use it, he told Shelly to surprise a fellow customer with the gift! Shelly chose me! I told Shelly she made my day!

But Shelly's gift made me wonder..... why do I not received such coupons? After all, I am a loyal customer. I connected the dots and I realized that my bonus card is not connected to my phone number and email and therefore, I am not the one receiving the coupons! I rectified that immediately today and now I have my own bonus card. Rather funny that I never thought about this until today when presented with a fellow customer's coupon. I chalk it up to managing way too much and putting out constant figurative fires.