Friday, August 28, 2026

Friday, August 28, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2006. I will never forget our visit to the USS Midway in San Diego. It was an amazing aircraft carrier that has been turned into a museum. Mattie loved ships and we just knew he'd love to walk aboard this giant ship and explore many of its levels. It was a day to remember!

Quote of the day: That was when I learned that kindness could break a heart just as sure as meanness. The difference was the kindness made that broken heart softer. Meanness just made the heart want to be hard. ~ Susie Finkbeiner

As many of you know, I have been writing this blog daily for 18 years! That is a lot of writing and for many of you that is A LOT of reading. In all those years, I never, I am mean NEVER received a nasty comment from a reader in any of my postings. The nasty comments began when I became separated and unfortunately they just keep on coming. Which is why, a few years ago, I changed settings on the blog so that comments do not automatically post each night. I have to moderate all comments now.  

For example, on my August 25 blog posting, I received this comment................

"Get the f* up. Your son died years ago. He left you most likely for this." 

Normally I do not respond to comments. This one however, deserves commentary. Mainly because anyone who thinks it is alright to tell a bereaved mom that her child's loss means nothing now, because it happened years ago, is way off base. The loss of a child is not finite, parents carry this with them forever, and the loss impacts every day, phase, and milestone in a mom's life. As horrific and insensitive as that comment was, to say that my son left me because of who I am as a person, is way off base and deeply insulting.

My blog is not mandatory reading. If I annoy you, if processing my journey with Mattie's cancer and death doesn't resonate with you, and you aren't interested in my reflections, thoughts, and feelings as I cope with my divorce, then I respect that and welcome you to find other blogs that meet your needs and interests.

It is comments like this that make me wonder...... what kind of world are we living in?! This week, my mom and I have been engrossed in the Lindsay Clancy trial. For those of you not following along, this is a mom who is 36 years old, was a labor and delivery nurse, and in January of 2023, killed her three children (ages 5, 3, and 8 months). She strangled each of them and left them for dead in the basement, while her husband was out running errands. When I heard about the Clancy trial, a part of me just couldn't comprehend a mother killing her children, even a mom suffering from mental health issues. More than one in five adults in the USA lives with a mental health issue, and most definitely this is a crisis that needs to be discussed. Questions, concerns, and doubts about the healthcare system need to be addressed. But the majority of people with mental health issues understand right from wrong, and it is a slippery slope when we allow issues to be used as excuses for unthinkable behavior. 

Motherhood is hard. Very hard! It challenges every aspect of your existence. It is a 24/7 job, it is exhausting, and most of the times you receive very little positive feedback for this tireless role. That said, I would hope that if a mom is struggling, that others would see this and offer help or that she would ask family members or friends to take the children for a while until things stabilized. From my personal experience, once I became a mom, the instinct to care and protect Mattie took over. Even when I had post partum depression, I may have been overwhelmed and had bouts of crying hysterically, yet meeting Mattie's needs always came first! I am still protective of Mattie and his memory now, which is why his Foundation will always be a top priority for me. 

Yet from the Lindsay Clancy case, what I am noticing on social media is that countless women are relating to her issues and have great sympathy for her choice to kill her children. Many are even saying that they are just like Lindsay. This to me is shocking, especially since I would do anything to bring Mattie back into my life. To me life is precious and children are helpless and innocent. They need our love, guidance, and protection. Having a child is a gift and a miracle. I just wish women like Lindsay Clancy knew bereaved moms like me. As I truly believe so many bereaved moms would rise to the occasion to help raise children coming from these vulnerable home environments in order to keep them safe, until their moms could get the help that is needed. I am very passionate about the rights and welfare of children and I could see the development of a non-profit pairing up bereaved moms with moms who are vulnerable. Seeing the beautiful faces of Lindsay Clancy's children is absolutely heart breaking and it makes me ill knowing the fear and terror these children experienced as they took their last breaths. May we as a society absorb this case, learn from this case, and never forget the three innocent lives lost through this great tragedy. 

Thursday, August 27, 2026

Thursday, August 27, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. I remember taking this adorable photo! We went out to eat on the island of Coronado (San Diego). The restaurant faced the water and Mattie was thrilled because he could order pizza. This was such a happy moment. The loss of Mattie has changed my entire life, as I lost my identity of being a mom, I lost the ability to see Mattie grow up and find his way in the world, and I lost the opportunity to eventually be a grandparent. Now of course I also see the changes in my parents, and that too is humbling. 

Quote of the day: I make a point to appreciate all the little things in my life. I go out and smell the air after a good, hard rain. These small actions help remind me that there are so many great, glorious pieces of good in the world. ~ Dolly Parton

I started my day at 5am. I had to get up that early in order to get things done before my electrician, Bob, came at 8am. Bob is a morning person! He was at my house before 8am, and ironically he lives over an hour away from me. I asked Bob to help me change some outdoor light timers which burned out and to replace part of my under counter kitchen lights, as many are no longer working. In fact, when I saw Bob in June, he had me order the kitchen string light replacements. Turns out the lights he had me order were the wrong ones. Which meant I had to return them on Amazon. However, my return window expired. That did not stop me, as I got on Amazon chat and as always they assisted me and gave me a refund. But this time, I wasn't going to order the lights without Bob being present. Bob had me order them from his company's warehouse and I got the contractor price. So that means at some point when the lights come in, it's another early morning. 

Bob did help me with the outdoor timers, but he left me with the manuals to program them. God help me. I read the manual for 40 minutes and who knows if they will actually turn on tonight. I most likely screwed it up and will have to go back at it. It is times like this that I absolutely hate my existence. Things were must better when I shared them with my other half. 

Later this morning, Steve, my outdoor guru, showed up to do maintenance work on the grass. Before I owned a house, I thought grass just grew on its own. I had no idea how difficult it is to maintain! It needs weeding, seeding, aerating, and it gets diseased easily! Every time I see Steve, it is like I get another installment of a soap opera. He is a lovely person, but has had a very hard time finding a significant other. Every time I chat with him, I think to myself.... NOPE! I will never be doing this, as I have heard enough of his on-line connection nightmares. I met my other half the natural way, in college, and we knew each other for seven years before we got married, and even that did not guarantee me a life long connection. It saddens me, as I am mentally aware that one doesn't need a partner to be happy in life, but from my experience it does make life not only worth living but richer. 

I was juggling one issue after the other today and then someone from the research team that I am a part of sent me the next publication regarding our Psychosocial Standards of Care that is getting ready to be submitted to a journal. Do you know that seeing this paper sent me right over the deep end. Not the content! Not the people who worked on it! But the simple notion that I am not productive. I am not interacting with the world. I DO NOT live a normal life. My life has been decimated. I lost everything and in the midst of losing everything, I am caregiving around the clock. It is very easy to downward spiral emotionally in my house and yet it takes a great deal of strength and courage to muddle through. So may tomorrow be a better day. 

Wednesday, August 26, 2026

Wednesday, August 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. I will never forget this moment in time. We were staying on the island of Coronado, in San Diego. The hotel we were staying at had a fountain out front. Flamingoes loved that fountain and they intrigued Mattie. As we didn't normally see flamingoes in our daily life in Washington, DC. In this photo, Mattie was giving me his impression of a flamingo. To me this was absolutely priceless! 

Quote of the day: Never mistake a woman's silence for her ignorance, her calmness for her acceptance, and her kindness for her weakness. ~ Unknown  

This morning I woke up and realized next week is the beginning of September. A month I absolutely hate, as Mattie died on September 8, 2009. Acknowledging these moments are even harder now being alone. In addition, my former in-laws celebrate their wedding anniversary on September 1. Since my separation, I have not let one holiday, birthday, or anniversary go by unacknowledged. They have been in my life since I was 19 years old, and though I am completely on overload, they are a priority. Normally I would have baked something last weekend and got it in the mail this week, but with all this mortgage assumption nonsense, I did not keep track of timing. So today, I stopped everything and I started baking a lemon blueberry loaf for them and I am determined to get it in the mail tomorrow. I know first hand how special it is to receive gifts in the mail, and to not be forgotten!

This afternoon, I took my mom out for tea. While at Starbuck's I tried to read more continuing education material for my licensure renewal. My goal is to have over 30 hours of continuing education behind me by the end of August. I am truly giving it my all! However, there were people all around us today. Some were talking, some were listening to things on their phone, and between both of those things I could feel my anxiety level increasing. Since Mattie died, I can get overwhelmed by noise and when I do, I literally can read the words in front of me, but I have trouble comprehending them. This is very frustrating for me because I wasn't always like this, in fact, I used to be able to focus regardless of what was going on around me. 

When I get totally overwhelmed, my natural tendency is to get up, and start moving around. If I wasn't balancing my mom, I would have gotten in the car and came home. But she loves going to Starbuck's three times a week, so I knew, I had to figure out plan B. Plan B involved mentally talking to myself, to calm down, and to allow what others were saying to begin to fade in the background of my mind, so that I could actually read. Within about 15 minutes, I was able to get absorbed in my readings and made great progress today. 

I end tonight with this beautiful hibiscus! In the spring of 2005, I bought two small plants at Lowe's. They spent last spring and summer outside (never blooming), and then I winterized them inside. This spring, I brought them back outside. This is the very first time this plant has ever blossomed. To me it is a glorious sight! 

Tuesday, August 25, 2026

Tuesday, August 25, 2026 -- Mattie died 860 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. We were in San Diego and Mattie wanted to try this bicycle with a surrey on top (which is what I called it). This thing may look cute, but WOW what a work out! The frame of the bicycle was super heavy, so pedaling was like moving my legs through taffy! Nonetheless, look at Mattie's smile! Mattie loved it and it was worth the effort! What I did not know at that moment was it was going to be our first and last bicycle with a surrey experience together. 

Quote of the day: It is better to lock up your heart with a merciless padlock than to fall in love with someone who doesn't know what they mean to you. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I thought the mortgage assumption process was over! I learned today that it is NOT! The closing documents are now in the hands of the post closing team! This takes another two weeks. I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take. Whenever I see that 1-800 number pop up on my cell phone, that sickening feeling comes over me. I have been dealing with this feeling since May 1, and frankly whenever this is finally over, it will take me time to normalize again. The mortgage assumption process has been sheer hell, along side dealing with COMPLETE FEAR over where I would be living with my parents. 

I am not sure if it is the greyness today or simply being worn out physically and emotionally, but all I want to do is put my head on a pillow and sleep. Naturally that is not going to happen, but it feels like another bleak day. A day in which the reality of my divorce has hit me, and yet at the same time it still seems unreal. When I talk with other women who have faced the uniqueness of what I am going through (and remember you are only hearing a portion of my journey on this blog), many have admitted needing hospitalization, the support of a suicide hotline, and medication. No judgment on my part, as I can absolutely appreciate why any and all of these resources would be needed. But my journey looks a bit different. Partly it is because I am caregiving and partly because my mind can't process what has happened. It is as if I am going to wake up one day and learn that none of this happened. That I am not divorced and that my long time view of the world is real and intact, rather than crumbled and shattered in pieces like it is now. 

Even at night, my brain is working over time trying to process my divorce. Last night was no different. As is typical with dreams they don't always make sense, but all I know was I was visiting Chicago with my other half and his family. It was so real and I can recall that I was arguing with the hotel staff because they had life sized RATS walking around. Kind of like the big rats you see in the ballet, The Nutcracker! No one else seemed to be bothered by the rats, other than me. The hotel decided to try to calm me down and gave us an amazing dinner in a magical setting. It was so wonderful that by the time dinner was over, I too wasn't bothered by the life sized rats. Totally, NOT LIKE VICKI! As no dinner could placate me in real life if I were surrounded by rodents! What do it mean? I have no idea! I looked up what this could mean and learned that dreaming of life-sized or giant rats means a hidden problem, fear, or difficult person in your waking life has grown too large to ignore and is making you feel completely overwhelmed. Sounds about right! 

Any case, when I am feeling on overload, it means I have to back away from the computer, start moving around to work out the confusion in my head and heart.  

I end tonight with two of my favorite Dolly Parton songs! I grew up with her music and to me she was bigger than life, that it is hard to believe she died today. 

Monday, August 24, 2026

Monday, August 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. We traveled to San Diego that week and we were at Sea World waiting the Shamu show to begin. It is hard to believe Mattie is gone and to see the monumental changes in my parents! The emotional toll of all these losses just seems to be piling up. I am thrilled my parents do not have serious health issues, and I celebrate that, but at the same time, it is hard to describe the daily challenges of caring for someone with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.  

Quote of the day: Storytelling is the most powerful way to put ideas into the world. ~ Robert McKee

This morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I came home, and got myself ready for my Zoom interview. Given that my mom was both listening to the radio and videos on her phone at the same time, I decided to give her my ear plugs, because I could hear both from my office. After Mattie died, my ability to hear the TV or the radio and concentrate simultaneously was lost. 

Honestly I had to mentally talk to myself today before this Zoom interview. Mainly because I have been so used to doing interviews with my other half. We would tag team answering questions and typically built upon what the other was saying. Now, I carry the story alone. I assure you that alone is a HUGE loss. If I did not put all this fear in check today, I would have been unable to string two words together. 

When I was in graduate school, my dissertation advisor taught me to NEVER speak to an audience without knowing WHO I was talking to! Seriously that was EXCELLENT advice, which has become engrained in me. So before I met with the interviewer, guess what I did? Yes, I googled her and learned that she is a cancer survivor and lost her husband suddenly to a heart attack. Somehow knowing this mentally helped me, as I felt I was going to be talking to someone who has lived her own psychosocial journey with cancer. 

Any case, the interview went very well and you know what the interviewer told me? She said that I was an excellent story teller! That is a high compliment to me, because it is vital to understand Mattie and my story, in order to understand what guides my leadership at Mattie Miracle. I would say that I had story teller skills to begin with, but writing Mattie's blog for 18 years has really honed in on this vital skill. 

In reality, we are all story tellers! This is the best way to help others understand us, understand our experiences and perspectives and chances are people may not remember dates, facts, and details..... but we always remember the stories people share with us! Stories bring content alive and provide an intimate window into our thoughts and feelings. 

Sunday, August 23, 2026

Sunday, August 23, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. Mattie was five years old and we were visiting my parents in Los Angeles. That day we took him to the LA Zoo. It was such a hot day, that we bought Mattie a water spray bottle with a fan. He loved it and we were all asking him for a turn to use his fan! The visor I was wearing, was actually Mattie's! We got it at the Zoo, and it had a big zebra stitched on it. However, Mattie preferred his Boston Red Sox hat. Mattie gave me his visor to use, which I actually appreciated given the intensity of the sun. Back then, I thought we would have many more August's in California. However, Mattie never returned to California again, because the following July he was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Anything you can’t control is teaching you how to let go. ~ Jackson Kiddard

It was another challenging day! Not unlike yesterday and the day before. Managing my dad's irritable bowel issues are hard on a good day, but when doctors add medications to his regimen, havoc always ensues! So tomorrow, I will be reaching out to his doctor because something has to give! As it is Sunday, I took my parents out for a late lunch, like I do every weekend. Today was exhausting and I had to fully change my dad twice while at the restaurant. If that was the only issue that would be bad enough, but I was also policing the pace of how my dad was eating, so he doesn't choke, I was balancing his debris and countless tissues (as he goes through two tissue packets at each meal..... and if I did not bring a garbage bag with me, he would be tossing the tissues all over the table!), and while all this was going on, my mom was absorbed in her phone on Facebook. I have concluded this is part of her dementia, and what makes me crazy is when she reads me horror stories while I am balancing the impossible. At one point today, I literally told her to STOP. I couldn't hear one more story about a woman being attacked, abused, and the list goes on. 

Tomorrow, after I drop my dad off at his memory care center, I will be interviewed by a professional cancer association on Zoom. They want to talk about Mattie Miracle, Mattie, and our research initiatives and innovations. Naturally I am very happy to do this but to me it is also very bittersweet. As I always did these type of interviews with my other half. The two of us looked at the world from different angles, but together we provided a very comprehensive picture of the Foundation's history, our psychosocial mission, and of course the beautiful story of Mattie. Will I ever get used to running the Foundation now on my own? I have no idea, all I know is I have no other choice. A common theme in my life. Nonetheless, I will give my all to this interview, because ultimately it reflects on Mattie!   

Saturday, August 22, 2026

Saturday, August 22, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. I absolutely LOVED this photo. That week, we drove to Coronado, right near San Diego, with my parents. During that visit, we actually stayed on the island of Coronado and this photo captures our bicycle adventure on the island. In the backdrop, is the famous Hotel Del Coronado (with the red roofs). This historic hotel is famous for being a rare, massive Victorian wooden beach resort built in 1888. It gained legendary status by pioneering early electric lighting with Thomas Edison, hosting U.S. presidents and Hollywood icons, starring in the film Some Like It Hot, and cultivating a famously haunted history. Mattie always had such a good time visiting San Diego, and back then, we thought we would have a lifetime of happy moments together. 

Quote of the day: Faith is seeing the light with your heart when all you see with your eyes is darkness. Faith is fully trust in the unknown that lives within you. In short, faith is believing who you truly are. ~ Luis Ojeda

Today felt like an absolutely bleak day. Most days I feel sad and disillusioned but can park those thoughts somewhere and move along. Of course no matter how I feel, I have a whole household awaiting my every move, so my routine doesn't stop on bleak days either. But the difference between my usual sadness and a bleak day, is that thoughts and feelings about my existence on a bleak day just keep popping in my head. What triggered this today? Who knows, maybe the signing of the mortgage assumption on Thursday, maybe because it is a weekend (which I have hated since Mattie died.... these are days with less structure), or maybe because my dad's irritable bowel issues are wearing me out. My dad has had a recent change to his diabetes medication, and every change seems to invoke havoc on his gastrointestinal issues. I will spare you the number of bathroom trips and accidents I had today. 

My dad had his physical therapy session outside today. He seems to do better when his sessions are alfresco! The therapist had him walking 27 consecutive minutes today. Which is a feat, because when he is with me, he fights me tooth and nail to walk at all. 

Later on today, I took my parents to our local diner. The diner used to have great desserts which were featured in a refrigerated glass case at the front of the establishment. However, about a month ago, something happened to the case and it needed a repair. Now the glass case is up and operational again but all the desserts on display are terrible. 

Today, they wanted me to try four of the desserts they were featuring at the counter. They literally brought me out a platter filled with four different treats. I am picky about food, but I am over the top about baked items. If I am going out and ordering dessert, I expect it to be fantastic. Not fair, not good, but excellent. I tasted each of the four items they brought me and I hated each and every one. One was worse than the next, and I told management that if I were them, I would pull each of these items out of the refrigerated case, open the garbage, and toss them in. To me they were inedible. At the very least, I made it clear that I was not going to pay for today's dessert. Needless to say, I left the diner even lower than when I arrived. Some people are not regulated by food, but I am! Good food to me is an experience and makes life worth living.  

Why am I mentioning this? I mention it because if I am cooking for someone, whatever the item maybe, I want to do my best to make the food/dessert as tasty and fresh as possible. I am just one person, yet I would hope and expect that such an attitude would be valued and executed within a restaurant. People should take pride in what they are cooking and serving, and when I see that this standard isn't met, to me it is upsetting, as food is costly. I do so much cooking at home, that when I go out, I would like to be able to enjoy food, without having to guide and provide feedback to others.  

When I arrived home today, I received a package in my mailbox from one of the hospitals Mattie Miracle supports. These thoughtful gifts and heartfelt messages were in honor of my birthday! Notice the photo on the card.... it is a stargazer lily! One of my favorite flowers!!! Needless to say, acts of kindness are always appreciated as I find trying to survive the loss of my other half, takes a great deal of support in order to cope manage, and find a way forward. 

Friday, August 21, 2026

Friday, August 21, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. I know this fountain very well. It was located at a restaurant my parents went to every Friday in Los Angeles. In fact, I even went to this restaurant when I was in high school! That is how long a connection we had with this establishment. The restaurant had an enclosed patio and Mattie preferred to sit out there because it featured this lion fountain. In fact, Mattie wanted to sit right by it! What a charming smile, what a beautiful moment in time, and how unfair that this amazing boy isn't still in my life. 

Quote of the day: Women are like teabags. You never know how strong they are until they are in hot water. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I came across tonight's quote and I absolutely love it! I love it because I am a tea fan and I think the analogy is spot on. Speaking of tea, my tea journey continues. Now that I found my very fine tea strainer, I am enjoying all the loose tea I have been gifted. Until I found this strainer, I used to get frustrated because no matter what I did, I would be drinking tea leaves in my cup! Now nothing gets through with this strainer! Seriously the difference between loose tea versus tea from a tea bag is like night and day. Yes it is a bit more work, as I have to measure out tea and clean the strainer, but since this is something I enjoy drinking, I have rationalized with myself, that YES I can take the few extra minutes in my day to brew something I would prefer to drink! I am always so worried about making others happy and meeting their needs, that mine fall through the cracks. 

I did my usual Friday routine, of going grocery shopping after dropping my dad off at his memory care center. When I grocery shop, I move at a clip! I am not roaming around! I always take the smallest shopping cart, but I strategically pack it! Apparently the store employees (at the self check out area) get a kick out of me, but today, a fellow shopper stopped me. He wanted to tell me how impressed he was to see how I had things stacked/packed in the cart. Today was one of those days were I had to buy tissues in bulk as well as toilet paper in bulk. So I assure you, when I tell you I had things highly stacked, I am not kidding. Back to this fellow, he was pushing a bigger cart and I am sure in his mind he was thinking.... why is she using a small cart!? Before he could continue his line of questioning, I literally told him the small cart enables me to smartly shop, without having to push a big cart. In addition, no matter how much I plan on buying, I am going to the self check out area. I always bag my own groceries, and bigger carts don't fit in the self check area! 

I have gotten to know most of the employees who monitor the self check out area! One woman, Shelly, chats with me every Friday. I have learned about her parents, her sister, and the chores she does weekly to help her parents maintain their home. Tomorrow she is going to the county dump and she told me she would be coming back next week to give me a full report of what they accepted from her clean out of part of her parent's home. I don't view my connecting with people as unique, but from what others are telling me, NOT all customers are like me. 

Case in point, I took my mom to Starbuck's today for tea. I know every person who works there, including the general manager. They know that I am a full time caregiver and they observe me with my mom. I have been going to this Starbuck's since 2023, when I became separated. Back then I was completely traumatized, and I am not sure how I functioned. To make a long story short, after I order things at our Starbuck's, do you know that they hand deliver me the teas and food right to the table? This is not a service provided to most customers, but again, I have been told that everyone there loves me. The general manager and I got to talking today because I commented that the store was practically empty compared to Wednesday. Wednesday it was like standing room only! In any case, given what I was reporting to him of my observations in front of and behind the counter, he asked me..... do you want a job application? He was being funny, but he is aware of my knowledge of what goes on there from week to week. I suppose in life if all else fails, I can always work at Starbucks! After all, just like every employee there, I never sit still and I am constantly managing issues and problems. 

Thursday, August 20, 2026

Thursday, August 20, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. I got back from a conference in New Orleans and came home with a mask and fan. As you can see Mattie loved them and took ownership of them. I remember that moment in time, as I was very active in my professional associations and had various leadership positions. I always think.... what would my life look like if I chose a different path in my life? Such as, what if I went to a different college? What if I never met my other half in college? What if Mattie was never diagnosed with cancer? I am sure my life would look very different now if I made other choices! The only choice I did not get to make was Mattie getting diagnosed with cancer and then dying. 

Quote of the day: I'm doing this "Decades in Details" display. Showing the history of their love story. What must that be like? To be with someone so long. You get to see every version of you. I bet, it feels a lot like home. I mean, think about it. Having someone get a front row seat to every part of your life. The highs, the lows. That is rare. ~ From the movie, Aussie at Heart

This morning, I worked hard to get my parents up, showered, dressed, downstairs, and breakfast dishes cleaned up before the notary came at 11am. Though 11am may sound late in the morning, I had to get up at 6am, to make this targeted time. The notary was a lovely gentleman. 

Though I wrote that the notary was coming on all of my dad's calendars and on the white board that sat in front of him, my dad was still confused. Throughout the entire time the notary was with us, my dad asked.... now what is all this paperwork for? The notary went with it, thankfully, but no matter how many times I explained to my dad what we were doing, he forgot two seconds later. 

My dad really has no understanding where my other half is! I sometimes think that he believes that my other half is away on a work trip and will be returning later. My dad's brain can not, and I mean, CAN NOT process that I am divorced. Fortunately my dad has Alzheimer's because I think if he was cognitively intact, he would be livid. 

Each day, I absorb a countless number of emotional hurts, and by the time I get everyone to bed, I head to my room with Indie and we watch Hallmark movies together. Some people need therapy, nope, I just need to turn on Hallmark. It enables me to press the pause button in my head and instead get absorbed in a different world. A world where people work hard, take pride in what they do, respect one another, and where there are ALWAYS happy endings. 

Because I am so tired at night, I literally watch anywhere from 5-30 minutes of a movie and then have to pick up on the same movie the next night. Some weeks my exhaustion is so bad, that it could take me two weeks to watch an entire movie. I have been watching the movie Aussie at Heart. The main characters in the movie once worked as lawyers together, but their lives went separate ways, and then became separated by the Pacific Ocean. Any case, they were reunited in Australia while celebrating the anniversary of a close friend's parents. The parents were celebrating their 40th (maybe) anniversary. In any case, one of the main characters said................ 

I'm doing this "Decades in Details" display. Showing the history of their love story. What must that be like? To be with someone so long. You get to see every version of you. I bet, it feels a lot like home. I mean, think about it. Having someone get a front row seat to every part of your life. The highs, the lows. That is rare.

The context for the quote, involves one main character asking the other.... what must it be like to be with someone for so many years? The response was, "Having someone get a front row seat to every part of your life. The highs, the lows. That is rare." This quote just got me last night, because being with someone for decades is a privilege. Within that privilege, is the opportunity to get to know someone intimately..... you know what they like, don't like, what bothers them, what they appreciate, what makes them happy, what is crushing, what their priorities are, you get to live their milestone moments, upsetting moments, you live their happiness, their grief, you are upset when they are upset and the list goes on! 

That is exactly why my divorce is so crushing, because that enormous piece of my life is gone. Gone, not by my choice. It is confusing, upsetting, and disorienting, and as a result I feel deeply violated that all those intimate moments where I shared my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with someone else really meant nothing to them after all.

We signed all the closing documents today and after four months of hell, I should be happy this is over. Indeed, I am, and yet today was bittersweet. It signals the finality of our connection and our divorce. We bought this house together, this was supposed to be a new chapter in our life, and instead it turned into a living nightmare. A disaster, with long term consequences. 

Wednesday, August 19, 2026

Wednesday, August 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. I remember taking this photo as if it were yesterday. We were at Griffith Park in Los Angeles. The Park truly had something for everyone! But I have to admit, it catered to little ones beautifully! Mattie loved this miniature train ride that went around the a portion of the park. At different times of the year, the train passed seasonal themed decorations. Though Griffith Park was minutes from my parent's house, I never visited it as a teenager while living in California. It took Mattie in our lives to branch out and experience this wonderful place. Mattie brought a whole new world to all of us. 

Quote of the day: Do you see your divorce as a set-back or a do-over? It took time and effort, but I now see mine as a do-over. ~ Karen Finn

I came across tonight's quote, and like so many quotes on divorce, I DON'T relate to them. NOT one bit. Divorce, after a 35 year relationship, is not a set back and it certainly isn't a do-over. It is a crisis of grant proportion!!! Not calling it out for what it is, negates my experience, my long term commitment to my other half, our life together, and the impact of the divorce on my current life and future. All I can say is DEAR GOD, I would NOT want a do-over of what I am currently feeling! NO THANK YOU. Surviving this once, is once too much. 

I had hopes today that after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I would have time to do more continuing education for my licensure renewal. NOPE! My doorbell rang and it was Dale, the fellow coming to treat my yard again for mosquitoes. This year is so bad that whenever I open the door, several mosquitoes fly in! I have been killing them daily, but unfortunately not before they bite my parents. I walked around the house with Dale and showed him what I wanted him to do and to particularly concentrate on the door areas. 

While I was working with Dale, my landscaper, Ritchie showed up. I emailed Ritchie last night because while walking around the house (which I do on a regular basis), I noticed this puddling of rain water and the pipe was disconnected. I tried to reconnect it, but stopped because I deduced..... something maybe wrong to cause the pipe to pop apart! 

Ritchie and I discussed this and he is sending a team out to blow out the pipe to see if air and water get through to the drain (by the curb). If nothing passes through, then I have a blockage, which means digging up the front grass and fixing the pipe blockage. Ritchie knows me by now, and understands messing up with my garden aesthetics makes me edgy. He assures me because the grass is in such good shape, that they can cut a line in the grass, peel it back and when the work is done, they can put the grass back in place. I then discussed my crabgrass issue. Typically I do not have this in the front yard, but it is lining the front yard by the curb. Ritchie answered the question immediately. He showed me the neighbor's grass, who has crabgrass all over the place. Apparently dormant weed seeds in the top soil or rogue crop seeds in the grass seeds itself spread in the wind, and now I have this gift from my neighbor. 

Ritchie knows I love pulling weeds! It is my therapy. I told him I was going to literally pull on the grass! He told me to wait, as his team is coming out to do weed spot checks in a week. I have been working with Ritchie for five years. He has observed me going through my separation and now my divorce. His comment to me today, was I looked great! He did not mean this in any other way, other than he sees I am trying to stabilize and get my life together. I am not sure if this is true for every home owner, but I make it my point to get to know each service provider personally. I know about their marriages, who they date, their children, and the list goes on! Ironically, I can't tell you how many service providers thank me for listening, for showing interesting, and giving them a safe place to vent. I don't view what I am doing as anything special, other than being human and to me the greatest gift people can give each other is time, understanding, and compassion.   

Tuesday, August 18, 2026

Tuesday, August 18, 2026 -- Mattie died 859 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2006. We were in Los Angeles visiting my parents and Mattie was experiencing swimming in a pool. Mattie had a very healthy respect for water and was cautious. It took him quite some time to get used to being in a pool and swimming. Swimming lessons helped a great deal. In this sense, Mattie and I were very much alike, both of us did not take to swimming easily! When I look at this photo now of Mattie and my mom, it brings back many memories. I only lived in this house three years, before coming back to the East coast to go to college. I experienced life in Los Angeles because of my parents and I am happy I was able to introduce West Coast adventures into Mattie's short life.  

Quote of the day: Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you. ~ Rupi Kaur

This morning I got up early so that I could get to my banking appointment at 10:30am. The appointment was to process payment for the mortgage assumption. My dad's physical therapist was coming over this morning and I text messaged her that I wouldn't be home but told her my dad would be at the breakfast table and that my mom was upstairs getting ready. Of course any time my dad hears that I am leaving the house, his irritable bowel issues kick in. Normally I manage these moments daily but this morning I wasn't having any of it, because I needed to get to the bank and honor the appointment. 

When I got to the bank, all the ladies working there greeted me. I know all the female tellers and bankers. They have been on my journey from separation to divorce and they have been working with me to stabilize out my financial life. I can't tell you how grateful I am to these women. When they heard that I qualified for the assumption, they asked me...... when is the party? They had me laughing, but they are thrilled that I have now made a clean break and have independence. I would never guess that I would be in this position, EVER. From my perspective other people get divorces.... NOT ME! 

Any case, I got my mission accomplished at the bank and then came home, only to learn that my dad told the therapist that he was hungry and that I did not give him any food this morning. I literally looked at the therapist! ARE YOU KIDDING, is what I told her! I make breakfast and meals every day for my parents, there is no way I would have left the house without showering, dressing, feeding my dad,  and having him take his pills. What I find so fascinating is that people really do not have any insight for just how bad my dad's memory is, as he can eat one minute, and in the next minute, he has no idea he ate. My dad has lost all long term memories now and I am just happy he at least knows who I am and who my mom is! My joke however is...... I should stop cooking and just open up a can of fancy feast for dinner with crackers! Naturally I would never do this, as I am all about the food!!! But it is hard cooking from scratch and my dad having no insight into the quality of food he is eating!

I looked outside my office window today and saw this glorious sight! My hibiscus was blooming. This plant has NEVER bloomed before. I bought it last year at Lowe's. When I bought it, it was so small, about the size of my hand! It was outside last spring and summer and then I winterized it inside the house. Once again, I brought it outside this spring and summer. I can't tell you how excited I was to see these blooms today! It was almost like they opened up to celebrate the monumental occasion of the mortgage assumption. 

This afternoon, I was physically dragging! I am so tired, I just wanted to put my head down on a pillow and sleep for a week. Not going to happen, so instead I brewed tea. My friend Carolyn gave me this micro strainer years ago and my friend Phyllis gave me some teas recently. I put both gifts together and made a lovely tea. I never thought about mixing tea leaves, but Phyllis has encouraged me to find my inner mixologist. So today, I tossed together blood orange tea and vanilla black tea. It made for a very lovely combination! With Mattie's death and now my divorce, I have learned to appreciate the simple things in life. For me, tea is a glimmer to my day!

Monday, August 17, 2026

Monday, August 17, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. Mattie was three years old and we were visiting Los Angeles. My mom got Mattie a toy! However, notice what Mattie was playing with...... not the toy but the box! Totally a Mattie Brown move! Mattie gravitated to boxes and boxes were typically incorporated into his play schemes. As he got older, he loved decorating and building with boxes. Boxes of all shapes and sizes! Which was why, when Mattie was hospitalized and getting cancer treatment, all of his psychosocial providers knew to SAVE all packing boxes for Mattie. 

Quote of the day: Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. ~ Viktor Frankl

Over the next couple of days, I will be facing the final steps to closing my mortgage assumption. It has been such a hard journey, that I now have to retrain myself not to feel anxiety and have my heart pounding over the phone ringing at all times of the day or be paranoid about emails popping up in my inbox! This process was non-stop stress and pressure and I got conditioned over these four months to jump whenever they called or emailed demanding more materials or information. I can't wait until this hurdle is completed and to know that there will be no outsiders interfering with the safety and security of my housing. 

This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center and running chores, I came home and in between doing bouts of laundry, I sat down to focus on completing another continuing education course for my license renewal. So that is three more hours completed, toward my required 40 hours! Thankfully I have until July 2027 to do this, but the goal I set for myself is to be over 30 hours by August. I am currently at 28 hours completed! Seriously I have no idea how I even got to 28 hours, because juggling what I do in any given day, makes it hard to focus. But there are things I will not compromise on.... one is my license (as I worked hard to get it in the first place) and two, my physical health. 

The next issue I am facing are mosquitos! This is the first year these pests are coming into the house and biting my parents. I treat the yard for mosquitoes, so I called the company today and told them..... it's not working! I can't tell you how many I killed in the house today and I know they are flying in whenever I open the doors. I sprayed by the doors this afternoon because when my dad gets bites, all he focuses on is scratching his skin off! While outside spraying, I decided to cut back my roses. Some people need to scream for therapy, I just need to get my hedge trimmer and start cutting away at things. This is the beauty of the spring and summer..... I can escape to my garden! 

Sunday, August 16, 2026

Sunday, August 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old and was in Los Angeles visiting my parents. It was a yearly tradition, in which we would spend two weeks with my parents every August. Mattie loved California and he especially loved visiting at winter time, because Mattie's favorite place to be was outside, in nature. I look at this photo now, and it is hard to believe that Mattie is gone, that my dad is no longer the person he used to be, and let's not even talk about the loss of the person who took this photo of us.  

Quote of the day: Cooking is the ultimate giving. ~ Jamie Oliver

The man in orange was a student of my mom's many years ago! I have known Gary since I was in middle school! So we go back a long time. Gary has never lost touch with my mom and while he and his wife were in town, they came over today to visit. We had a lovely time chatting and eating. Apparently my frittata and lemon/blueberry loaf were hits! 

When I asked my mom where she wanted to me to serve brunch today, she voted on the dining room. Originally I was going to serve us at the kitchen table, but my mom wanted it to be special. Since we are always eating in the kitchen, I agreed with her. So last night, I set the table, I assembled several bouquets of roses together from my garden and the the table looked very inviting. My goal was for it to be a special visit for my mom and for people to feel relaxed and enjoy a meal together. 

Of course my dad was up to his usual irritable bowel tricks, and I jumped up three times from the table to manage his needs. Given that brunch was a lot easier to serve, let's say than a big holiday meal, jumping up and down worked. 

Gary and Lisa dropped their son off at college, which was why they were in town. I am not sure milestones like this will ever be easy for me to hear. As it is a very painful reality that Mattie never made it passed age 7, and so many special moments and memories that other families share, I missed. I certainly can be mature and sensitive enough to appreciate these milestone moments for others, but at the same time, I am human and have deep feelings. 

On another note, check out this cutie. She was in my front yard yesterday! I can't see this beautiful sight without thinking of the film, Bambi, and of course, that I can't think of the movie Bambi without thinking of my Mattie. Funny how all things lead back to my Mattie Brown!
 

Saturday, August 15, 2026

Saturday, August 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. This was what our summers used to look like, as every August, I would take Mattie to California to visit my parents. Though my parents lived in Los Angeles, we would drive to San Diego for an adventure for a few days. One of the places Mattie absolutely loved visiting there was Legoland. I am so glad I did not wait to take Mattie on planes and on trips, because in our case tomorrow never came. 

Quote of the day: Cooking is one of the great gifts you can give to those you love. ~  Ina Garten

I took my parents to a restaurant in Great Falls, VA that I have been going to for years. I can't tell you how many wedding anniversaries and birthdays I celebrated in this spot. So it holds bittersweet memories for me. In fact, I don't like hearing about weddings and anniversaries also make me jumpy. But since my parents were celebrating their 66th anniversary, I wanted to make it special for them. Unfortunately my dad no longer remembers his anniversary, he doesn't recall his wedding, or any thing about that day in 1960! Keep in mind that he thinks we are in the month of January right now! If I sat with his memory issues long enough, it could be very upsetting, but truly given my own heartbreak with my marriage, I do not have the bandwidth to process my daily dementia nightmare. 

Yesterday evening I washed and blow dried my mom's hair for the occasion. She no longer is able to wash her own hair. I knew she'd feel better about herself if her hair looked nice, and I am so glad I made the time to do this. I may not be able to afford gifts for my parents, but it is the daily things that I do, which hopefully make a difference. 

One of the managers at the restaurant brought us over champagne and this wonderful dessert. I am a huge meringue fan and under the meringue was homemade chocolate ice cream. 

On Sunday, one of my mom's former students will be in town with his wife. I learned about this two days ago. In any case, after taking my parents out today, I came home and prepped breakfast items for tomorrow. If you know me, then you know if you visit, I will be feeding you. 

I got out my cookbook and was busy for hours. When I moved into this house in 2021, I had recipes and notes about cooking all over the place. My other half took it upon himself to organize it all by category and made this wonderful binder for me. How on this green earth can I have the binder, and yet not be married?

I baked a lemon blueberry loaf tonight, with a fresh lemon glaze. I happen to love this and can't quite determine if it is a bread or a dessert. Nonetheless to me fresh blueberries and lemon are a wonderful combination. 

I put together a fruit plate! Do you see the grapes? They are called moon drops. I found them at the grocery store this week, and as soon as I saw the word MOON, they were calling my name. 

Ironically this ceramic plate (with ceramic fruit handles) was given to us as a wedding gift. Again, how on earth do I still have the platter, but am divorced? I am not sure I will ever accept this reality, mainly because I always loved my other half. 

I then baked a spinach, shallot, cheddar and parmesan cheese frittata! Frittatas, to me, always taste better the next day when reheated!

Friday, August 14, 2026

Friday, August 14, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By that point, we knew that Mattie's situation was grave. Mattie was in the child life playroom that day and he was surrounded by child life volunteers, many hospital friends, and pictured here with Mattie was Liz. Liz was one of the guest artists who volunteered at the hospital. We got to work with her several times over the course of Mattie's treatment. She loved working with Mattie, as she felt he was very creative. Liz created poetry with the children and their families. Case in point, an example of what she and I created together is below. It is entitled, Intensive Care. 

Created in March of 2009

Intensive Care

Storage, or an assigned room, would be nice:
Room at an inn,
For the times we know we’ll be back
For our child’s treatment.

Always moving in, or moving out:
Sharing the same bathroom,
Showers away from home,
The difficult parking…

All I want is a room with a view;
Anything to look at but these blank walls,
The monitor; the steady drip of medicine,
Marching into battle.

Buzzers, bells, and footsteps.
Marking hours that mock time:
Sounds that my noise-maker drowns out
In a waterfall of rain, to wash away pain:
A blessing on my sleeping boy.

And I sit here, amazed at the maze of the hospital:
The noise…. Stuck here for months on end,
Wanting movement of any kind,
To multiply “Child Life” by ten,

Support groups: a place to meet other parents
That is not too small or cold….
Maybe, in my dreams, a terrace:
A garden for children to play in, to be with our son,
And breathe in open air.

For M’s parents, and for all…..

By Liz Pester, Studio G artist

Quote of the day: At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end. ~ Christine Mason Miller

I love this quote because it most definitely applies to me! When my divorce settlement agreement was created, it gave me two years to assume my house's mortgage. I seriously put that whole notion on a shelf somewhere, and it was the furthest from my mind. Well until I was confronted about it this spring. Since my separation, my learning curve has been enormous and I have endured many, many more things that I have not reported on this blog. I'm quite sure if you knew the whole story, you would say.... really? This can't be real!

So on May 1, I put my brave and courageous hat on, and called my mortgage company to start the assumption process. Thankfully my house had an assumable mortgage, because if it didn't I most likely would have had to move. I can't tell you the terror and fear I have been living with since May! For four months, I have been anxious, because I did not know where I would be able to live and being responsible for my parents, it was a downright nightmare. Each day, I have been carrying this stress...... Will I get the assumption? Will I be able to afford the assumption process? and of course.... Will I have to move? Moving with my parents would truly be hell on earth, as they both have significant issues, making it close to impossible to show a house, pack up a house, and try to find a new place to live. Remember, I am the one who fell in love with this house and I should not have to be forced out of it. 

When my first assumption application was denied, I seriously thought I was going to lose it. But like tonight's quote points out..... THIS IS NOT HOW THE STORY IS GOING TO END! With every turn in my separation and divorce, when I hit a roadblock, I got creative about how to solve it. There are not too many people who would agree to sign onto a mortgage with me. Thankfully I have wonderful parents and former in-laws, all of whom stood behind me and were willing to help me secure my mortgage. 

Today, I learned officially that I will be closing on this nightmare next week and the original astronomic closing fee I was first quoted in June, is SIGNIFICANTLY less. Seriously today I felt like I won the lottery, because the initial closing cost would be dire for me. Dire because the financial hit I took during the separation and divorce process has been catastrophic. 

Just so you get a feeling for the timeline:

May 1: Applied for assumption

May 29: Denied

June 1: Applied a second time

July 15: I learned that the assumption was approved

July 25: Introduced to my closing agent

August 14: Final closing documents underway

August 20: Signing closing documents

What you can't tell from this timeline is the daily emails, requests, interviews, documents and other hoops I had to jump over since May! I will be grateful to have this monumental hurdle behind me, because juggling it on top of everything else I do, has been excruciating. 

Thursday, August 13, 2026

Thursday, August 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on August 13, 2009. It is hard to believe that less than a month later, Mattie died. I will never forget that August! As you can see Mattie's hair was beginning to grow back, 6 weeks off of chemotherapy. It was supposed to be Mattie's time to regain strength, relearn to walk, and return to school. Instead, he faced end of life care and a very painful death. Legos were our therapy. It was the one activity we all could do together, focus upon, and feel good about the end product. I can't tell you what a gift a Lego kit was because there were times when it was hard to know how to manage the exhaustion, the anxiety, the stress, and the fear. 

Quote of the day: It’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

If I tried to describe today, it would be ridiculous! But it started with an alert from my credit card company at 7am. For me, that is the worst day to start the day! I have given up on the notion of having a stable day! I have to, because every day is a crisis or issue! It took my hours this morning to work on this credit card issue and I couldn't do in without interruption. As I had to get myself ready, chores done, breakfast made, get my dad up and showered, and be ready for my dad's physical therapist by 10am.

While my dad was busy with the therapist, I made phone calls. In between, I was getting calls from my service provider at my car dealership. They finished the extensive work on my car and I had to process that invoice and arrange for the car to be brought back to the house. Then I was interfacing with two people who were helping me care for the exterior of the house. Seriously if one more person wanted something from me today, I was going to blow. Oh and in between all of that, I cleaned bathrooms and vacuumed upstairs! 

By 2pm, I finally took my parents out to lunch. Sure enough, we sat down, and my phone rang! It was my mortgage closing agent, Sandy. But the call dropped while I was talking to her! I literally left my parents at the table, and went to my car to call her back. Trust me, whenever you try calling back.... you NEVER get the agent. Which is why when they call, you want to immediately pick up! However, my closing agent is a peach. I literally emailed her and told her to call me right back, and she did! She is so much nicer than my mortgage assumption application agent. Any case, Sandy needed my documentation for my home owner's insurance policy. Thankfully I am ten steps ahead of this process and was talking to my insurance agent two days ago, who sent me the current policy (which I need to change once I assume the mortgage.... don't get me started on that!!!), therefore I had it on my phone. Which made it super easy to send it to Sandy, as everything with this application process has deadlines! 

Needless to say, I have been enduring this horrific mortgage stress since May 1. Which entails constant phone calls, demands, and hurdles to jump. I think today's call, set my mom and me off. We had a miserable lunch and of course it is miserable not just because of the mortgage, but because of the way my life has been decimated. In the cruelest way possible. I literally had a meltdown at the restaurant and when I broke down saying that I had a future of being alone, no one will be caring for me if I get sick or worse have dementia, there won't be a Vicki. To which my dad said.... you always have your parents. Sweet comment, but delusional! 

When I write to my friend in England, who is dealing with similar issues, we always talk about two things.... one, being left behind after many years of a marriage can be confusing and at times we feel like we are going crazy. As we always saw the world one way, and now post divorce we see it wasn't any thing like we thought it was, and two, the depths of the pain, disillusionment, and feelings of being distraught can lead someone to die by suicide. My friend belongs to many groups dealing with our issues, and it is shocking, and yet not shocking, how many people can't handle the pain and end it. 

As I say every day, it takes a great deal of courage and strength to face each day, and to find a way forward. I mention these feelings above because this is just the tip of the iceberg of what is floating around in my head on any given day. 

Meanwhile, tomorrow is my parent's 66 wedding anniversary. I went outside in the garden this afternoon, and picked many roses to make two arrangements for them. These were roses planted for me by my other half, because I love roses. It is a bittersweet sight. 

How did my parents stay together for 66 years? Well there are many reasons. Naturally they love and respect each other, and they both are committed to their marriage. Which means that they always worked together to manage the many challenges they faced. My parents and my "former" in-laws have been married for decades and in my opinion....walking away from a long-term marriage shows a clear lack of courage, respect, and commitment... it is basically the easy and selfish thing to do!