Friday, June 20, 2025

Friday, June 20, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. That weekend we took Mattie to Bethesda, MD for a town fair. We went with Mattie's close preschool friend, Alex. The boys were fascinated by this cowboy on stilts! I remember this moment like it were yesterday. Mattie painted a flower pot and did other crafts at the fair. Truthfully, I thought we would have many more moments like this, as Mattie had just completed kindergarten, loved his school, and had a wonderful friend network. A month after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: When someone betrays you, it is a reflection of their character, not yours. ~ Happy Pitroda

In addition to the many things I manage in a given day, the house also has a pool. Anyone who tells me they wish to be a pool owner, signals to me.... that you never owned a pool. A pool is an enormous headache and burden. This year, I decided to open the pool at the end of May and I am closing it before the leaves start falling. The pool as been open a month so far, and it still looks horrible. It is unsafe to swim in the water, as it is murky like a dirty bathtub. I am driving my pool company absolutely bonkers. Today alone, I had them over three times, and they are returning on Monday. When I tell you that I wake up each day and wonder..... what does today have in store for me? I am NOT kidding!  

When I used to live in the city, one of the things I did four times a year was have a facial. Some people find them relaxing, I am NOT one of them. I do it because it helps me manage and maintain my skin. In any case, I have known my esthetician, Michelle, for decades! It is very hard to get an appointment with her, because she is so sought after. Michelle works at the salon where I take my mom to every six weeks. The owner of the salon suggested I do something for myself and when she found today's appointment, I decided to go. My dad was at his memory care center and my mom was home having her physical therapy session. So I headed into the city. When I got there, I was a few minutes early, so I sat in the waiting area. A lovely older woman, Marlena, started talking to me, as she liked my wedged sandals. Given that I used to live in the city (where she lives), we had a lot to talk about. One thing led to another and I told her about my parents. Literally within minutes, we became instant friends. When Michelle came out to get me in the waiting area, she assumed that Marlena and I knew each other prior to today. When we told Michelle that we just met, she said..... you both are talking to each other like you were friends!

I find this ironic, because yesterday when I took my parents out for lunch, one of the servers came up to chat with me. We go to this particular restaurant every Thursday. I know at least 5-6 servers there and most of the hosts. The server that came over to talk with me said..... I have a problem and need someone to talk to about it. He said he was hoping I was coming in, because he couldn't think of any one else to talk to about it. Funny, no? He is having an issue with his sister and whatever the issue is, it must be pretty emotional. He still couldn't talk about it as he said he is still processing the problem and I could tell he was afraid that whoever he shared the problem with could potentially be judgmental. What I did tell him was when he was ready to talk about it, he will know, and that he shouldn't feel compelled to talk about something on someone's else's timeline. 

I mention both Marlena and the fellow at the restaurant, because this has happened to me since I was an elementary school student. People feel comfortable sharing their concerns with me. Mainly because for the most part, I listen, I am not judgmental and my goal is to always help. I actually love hearing about people's lives and view these stories as privileges to be a part of and never a burden to have to hear.

Naturally I think people have shared things with me throughout my life, but since Mattie died, the sharing factor has gone up by tenfold. Why? I think when you lose a child to cancer, people feel like you have experienced the worst and have a deeper understanding of pain and the frailties of life. What I do know is Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death have taught me a great deal about crisis, trauma, and grief. Though each of us may experience different life circumstances, somehow many of life's issues are wrapped up in trauma and grief. Therefore, I guess having experienced these things allows me to be intuitive and have a skill set that enables me to be approachable, a sounding board, and support for others. One of the many reasons why I always say.... Mattie Brown was my life's greatest teacher. 

Thursday, June 19, 2025

Thursday, June 19, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old. I remember this weekend perfectly. It was Memorial Day weekend and we took Mattie on a trip to Lancaster, PA. One of the places we visited was Dutch Wonderland, a theme park geared toward preschoolers! We stayed at a Marriott Hotel and the chef at breakfast time took a liking to Mattie. He loved how Mattie LOVED his waffles. Any case that morning, the chef gave Mattie his own chef's hat! Mattie was very pleased!

Quote of the day: Sometimes the people closest to you betray you, and your home isn’t a place you can be happy anymore. ~ P.C. Cast

On Sunday, I am hosting friends of my dad's, who are visiting from the West Coast. Valerie goes way back with my dad, as she was my dad's assistant when he worked in New York City. They have been friends for decades. Valerie's first husband was a lovely man. In fact I was the flower girl at their wedding. Her husband, Floyd, was like Fred Astaire. He was talented on the dance floor. I will never forget ballroom dancing with Floyd, it was a magical experience! Having the right partner, who knows what they are doing, can make anyone look good! 

Given the many things I juggle, I wanted to make something ahead of time. Coq au Vin, is that perfect something. I started on it today. The beauty of this tasty chicken stew is it gets better the longer it sits in the refrigerator!  

We had massive rain storms today and lost power for a while. Tree branches and limbs were everywhere. I spent about an hour outside rounding up debris!

I did take my parents out to lunch today and on our way to the restaurant we had this sighting! I happen to LOVE Canadian Geese. They are loyal and never leave a goose behind! A lot can be learned from these feathered friends. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2025

Wednesday, June 18, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. It was memorial day weekend and we took Mattie to Lancaster County, PA. On our way, we stopped off at a famous pretzel company. The company gave visitors dough and taught us how to form a pretzel. You can see Mattie's finished product. It was a fun weekend adventure, and I am so glad we never put off trips or activities until tomorrow. Because in our case, tomorrow NEVER came. 

Quote of the day: I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. ’Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death. ~ Thomas Paine

Each day, I wake up and wonder.... what will today hold? What will the crisis be? So far NO DAY has disappointed me. I was able to drop my dad off at his memory care center. On the drive, I noticed a warning light went off on my dashboard. I got my dad to his program, and in the parking lot, I pulled out the car's manual to understand what this light meant. It was the check engine light! I immediately called my car dealership in hopes of scheduling an appointment. I left a message for my service provider and then went along with my chores. I had to get gas for the car and go grocery shopping. 

After filling the car with gas, I tried starting the car. It wouldn't start. In addition to not starting, the car was rolling backward, and the only way to stop it was to shut the car off. When I tell you I began to panic, I am not kidding. Now my version of panicking my look different from others! As I don't get hysterical, I don't cry, or have any sort of outward emotion. All my anxiety is internal. Naturally my first instinct was to call my husband! That is what I have done for the last 35 years, as I know nothing about cars. Of course that is NO LONGER an option, as we have no contact with each other. 

Since I was at a gas station, I could have asked them for help. But I decided that wasn't a good option, as I have a service warranty with my car company, and therefore this car had to get the dealership. So then my next thought was... how am I going to get the car there?! As luck would have it, the gas station and the dealership were practically next door to each other. I did not want to call AAA, because I had no patience waiting to be towed. Therefore, I rationalized with myself that I had to get this car started. I turned the ignition on three times. First two times, I rolled backwards and the car wouldn't start. On round three, the car started! It was at that point, I decided to risk it and get to the dealership. I had two ways to get out of the gas station, I chose the exit that did not require me to stop at a light. I frankly did not want to stop the car, because I figured if I stop, I may not be able to start again. 

Any case, I rolled into the dealership and met Sam. He isn't my usual service provider, but he was excellent. He could see I was shaken and upset and that I was concerned that this was going to be an expensive fix. In my head my fear was something major was wrong with the engine. Sam told me that we needed to do a diagnostic and we would take it one step at a time. He couldn't give me a loaner car, but he arranged for one of the mechanics to drive me home. That's when I met Ruiz. Ruiz is 68 years old and a love. We started chatting. He has the same car I do, and told me that my car still has a lot of life in it. So I shouldn't be concerned that it has close to 100,000 miles on it. He says his car has 160,000 miles on it and is running strong. Then we talked about his brother who is gravely ill. I am sure he was looking at me, and evaluating me as being a person who doesn't have a care in the world. It was at that point that I explained about Mattie and then explained about my divorce. Literally by the time I finished with him, he was speechless. He couldn't get over what I have survived. He made me laugh, because he said..... husbands are replaceable, but you only get one set of parents. He commended me for choosing to be a caregiver. He said I would never regret that, which I know is correct, because I learned early on in life that I give 100% to those I love. I never want to live with regrets later on in life for not giving it my all. 

Sam called me later in the day, and I learned the issue was with the purge valve, which is crucial for optimal engine performance. The good news was he checked with my service warranty, and they paid for half of the cost of the part. Truly this was the best news ever, because I worried all day.... how am I going to be paying for this?! 

When I wonder, is God with me, today the answer was YES. I was fortunate because:

1. My dad was NOT in the car with me when the car stopped working. 
2. I was not far from the car dealership. 
3. The car turned on long enough for me to get to the dealership. 
4. I met Ruiz.
5. The car could easily be fixed!
6. My service warranty paid for half of the invoice!

There have been moments I have wanted to sell my mom's car! But today, was case in point, it helps to have a second car! In addition, Ruiz told me if I have a car and it runs, I need to hold onto it! So despite it being a day filled with the unexpected, I am grateful that someone was watching over me today.... and gave me the wherewithal to logically think through the problem and come up with a solution. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2025

Tuesday, June 17, 2025 -- Mattie died 799 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day he was very excited because the tent moth caterpillar that he brought home from his school's playground had spun itself into a cocoon. Mattie knew that within ten days or so, would emerge a moth from the spun silk. Mattie loved this metamorphosis process every spring! I literally had jars set aside for this process and we learned by process of elimination that the only leaves these caterpillars ate were OAK! Which is why we both came to love oak trees. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is difficult to process. It is difficult to understand, even on the most basic level. ~ Jon Bush

Given how I am feeling, my goal over the next couple of days is to spend less time at the computer. My neck and shoulders feel achy and strained. So despite the heat and humidity, I went outside this morning and worked out there for several hours. Believe it or not, I trimmed back all the roses you see here. The roses had gotten as tall as the bird bath/fountain. Now that they had their first bloom, it was time for them to be cut way back. I maintain everything in this space, including trimming the crape myrtle tree in the fall (in order to keep its nice small and bushy foot print in the spring and summer) and eventually I will get to that big white hydrangea bush, as it too needs to be cut in half!

Since there are so many hydrangeas, that I brought some inside, and will continue to add to this vase in our front hallway. The beauty of this house is I really never have to purchase flowers in the warm weather months! Something is always blooming in the garden. 

In April, I planted four large roses in our terracotta pots. I did this to replace all the roses my husband planted for me, but died from all the snow we received this winter. I feed these roses religiously every two weeks and they are thriving. 

Aren't they a glorious color?

This to me is the Mattie Miracle rose.... orange and red. I bought this specifically as a tribute to Mattie. 

The property has hydrangeas of every shape and variety. Climbing ones as well. My favorites are the oak leave hydrangeas that border the property. They are an amazing privacy screen from neighbors. 

The day lilies are in bloom!

Do you see the fountain. This is one of my favorite features in the backyard. It attracts birds. They love bathing in it, and I also love the sound. The fountain stopped working one day, and I am very grateful to Steve (my outdoor guru) for cleaning all the muck out and installing a new pump. He even got the back light working. 

Meanwhile it is frog season. All you hear day and night are frog songs. When I first moved into the house, the previous owner had frog statues and yard stakes of cute frogs. I removed them all, but always wondered.... what was with the frogs???? NOW I get it! The frogs own the backyard. If Mattie were here, he would have absolutely had a field day in the backyard. I just wish Mattie experienced Sunny in this backyard. Life would be so different if my family were intact. I truly need to keep moving in order to maintain any sort of stability. 

Monday, June 16, 2025

Monday, June 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old. I know this photo had to be taken on a weekend, because it was a weekend occurrence that we typically went together to explore the Island. We loved seeing the Island during every season! Even in the winter, it was a wonderful walk, but there was something magical about seeing all the plants and trees sprouting back to life in the spring! I miss seeing these sights, I miss having these walks with Mattie and I miss my family of three!

Quote of the day: Healing from betrayal is a personal journey. It's about finding inner strength, learning to trust yourself again, and creating a better future. ~ Unknown

This morning, I headed to the city, to take my mom to the salon. Somehow in my mind I thought the appointment was only for a manicure and pedicure. It did not register to me that I also booked her six week hair appointment. Therefore, I only told my mom she was going for her nails. When I walked into the salon, the salon manager escorted us to the changing room for my mom. I looked at her confused, and said.... my mom is only getting her nails done. At which point, I actually looked at the calendar on my phone and realized.... NO I was wrong. My mom was getting hair and nails done today. I truly do not like being confused and overwhelmed. That was bad enough, but it was what happened next that disturbed me for the rest of the day.

In the middle of the salon, my mom practically had a tantrum. She got very upset with me that I did not tell her she was getting her hair done. She said, I "blew it." Now mind you I did not do this on purpose, I am just juggling so much, that honestly I am lucky I knew enough to go to the salon this morning. My mom had no understanding for how upsetting it was to be ridiculed in the middle of the salon. She acts as if I am typically a scatterbrain, who doesn't manage things well! On the contrary, I would like to see anyone else juggle what I do each day, caregiving for my parents around the clock for four years without even one day break, run Mattie's Foundation alone, maintain this house, manage all bills, taxes, and all other crises, without cracking up.

My mom was so upset, that I really thought I would have to turn around and go home. But I remained CALM throughout the entire time. I basically said, I made a mistake, but she was there, so it made sense to get her hair done. She eventually went with the process and had a good visit, but honestly I was a mess for the rest of the day. I ranged from being internally angry, to feeling absolutely overwhelmed. It is moments like this, that I want to be outdoors, walk around, and regroup. But that was just not possible. Which maybe why for the rest of the day, I was very edgy and upset. Even when I got home, it was raining outside, so I couldn't spend the necessary time in my garden. 

Then the reality hit me. ONCE AGAIN! I have been left to manage the impossible by myself. Sometimes one tries to understand that the future won't always be this way. But for me the future looks even more daunting than my current circumstances. It was just an emotionally challenging day, on top of many other horrible days over these last two years.  

Sunday, June 15, 2025

Sunday, June 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on Father's Day of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day we took him on a Duck Boat tour of Washington, DC. The fun part about this trip was it covered both land and water! Right up Mattie's alley. They gave us all whistles in the shape of a duck bill, and I can't tell you how much use those whistles got over the years. I thought we would have many more father's days together. It is hard to understand, much less accept, that I now I acknowledge the day without my son and husband. 

Quote of the day: My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me. ~ Jim Valvano

This morning as I was getting myself ready for the day, I turned on the radio. Thomas Rhett's song, Things Dad Do, came on! I have to admit I never heard it before, but this song got to me! We truly appreciate what our parents have done for us after we become a parent of our own. Parenting was one of the most challenging and wonderful jobs I ever experienced, and I couldn't possible appreciate all the difficult choices and decisions my parents made until I was in their shoes. Rhett's song captures it beautifully! In honor of Father's Day, I attached the song below............................................

I focused all my attention today on what I have, rather than what is glaringly missing in my life. I am not saying I was able to block my husband from my mind, because I wasn't, but I wanted my dad to know he is special to me. 

I started my dad's day by giving him a hair cut, shaving him with a real razor, and gave him a manicure! I called it his "spa morning." Then my dad opened a card and several gifts! He was truly moved by the sentiments and things I expressed to him today. 

Sometimes you do not realize how special a person is, until you put it into context. Given what I have experienced these last two years, I can say with 100% certainty that my dad could NEVER walk away from his family. EVER. It isn't in his DNA, as it isn't in mine. My dad worked in the entertainment industry, where infidelity was rampant. But not for my dad! He was never swayed by money, power, or stardom. My dad is a great man and as I told him today..... he deserves to be celebrated. 

This is my father-in-law! The other dad in my life. Remember that I have known Don since I was 19 years old. Since I went to college on the East Coast, it made it difficult to go home to California for Thanksgiving. So I spent many holidays at a young age with my husband's family. Then I also went to graduate school in Boston for my Master's in Biology. When living in Boston, I spent every Sunday at their house. We would have dinner together and watch Columbo! These were simpler and happier times. 

Though I do not mention this on the blog, my in-laws have been 100% supportive of me over these last two years and if it is possible we have gotten even closer. 

Since Don LOVES tomatoes, I sent him two tomato plants and a basil plant for the summer season! 

I took my parents out to brunch today. Cheryl, our server, gave my dad a card and a container of wonderful chocolate chip cookies. My dad felt celebrated and had a very good eating day, which I was happy about! 

Me and my dad!

The three of us! Keep in mind that we used to go to this same restaurant with my husband. We always sat at this table. So whenever I see photos, I can't help but notice that the fourth seat remains empty. 

Saturday, June 14, 2025

Saturday, June 14, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That week, we took Mattie to Boston to visit my in-laws. My mother-in-law raised two boys, so she knew exactly what to do to engage Mattie. Mattie loved travel and adventure and no matter where he went, he had the ability to loop all of us in his play schemes and plans! The beauty of Mattie.

Quote of the day: Betrayal is like death: you never think it will happen to you. ~ Marty Rubin

For the last several weeks, I have been dealing with intense neck pain. Most people wouldn't think twice about a pain or two! As I am sure the average person would think that this is a muscle issue or perhaps not think about it at all. For me, especially now that I am alone, I worry that I will have a grave medical issue. So much of my daily existence falls on my plate. If I can't function, my parents won't be able to manage. It is a lot of pressure on my mind and body. I believe my issue is muscular as I have spent a lot of time at the computer generating the Foundation video over this last month and then my sleeping habits at night are not the best and I land up twisting my head around and can't seem to get comfortable on a pillow. Any case, this pain is in the back of my mind and I pop Advil in order to function. 

This afternoon, I took my parents out to lunch. While out, our regular server at the diner, Jason, commented that he admired a particular woman who was at the restaurant. He want on to tell me that what amazes him is she is a caregiver. She cares for many people within the community. I literally just looked at him! I was perplexed, because I am not sure he has put two and two together, but indeed, I am just like this woman. Except I don't tell the majority of people I meet... HEY I AM A CAREGIVER! Or do most people know I do this 24/7! I am quite certain that the average people who meet us think that my parents function at a higher level than they do. That is fine with me, it preserves their dignity, because at one time, my parents were extremely sharp, together, and able to manage so much.

I spent a good portion of the day, when not doing tasks or overseeing my dad's physical therapy session, working on the Foundation's June newsletter. I have really been making a push on our 16 years of service video, so that I could include it in our newsletter. I am thankful that the newsletter and social media postings will be going out next week. It feels like a huge accomplishment! It is my father's day gift to Mattie! 

Friday, June 13, 2025

Friday, June 13, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old and playing with one of his favorite things.... a cardboard box. Mattie loved all boxes, but big ones like this one really piqued his interest. The many play schemes he would create with boxes always made me chuckle. The reason this photo is blurry was because Mattie was moving in the box, making it hard to focus. But you get the gist! Life with Mattie was NEVER boring. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is difficult to process. It is difficult to understand, even on the most basic level. ~ Jon Bush

As Father's Day is approaching, you can connect the dots and imagine where I am at with this holiday! Mother's Day was ridiculous this year. It was the first year in which I did not get a card, a message, or gift from my husband. He was the one person who I thought I could ALWAYS count on to remind me that I was a mom. Now I face Father's Day. Yet I am the only one struggling with the dissolution of our 35 year relationship. You would think with the more time that goes by, the more likely my brain could accept and come to terms with my divorce. NOPE, it hasn't happened yet. However, you should keep in mind that Mattie was in my life for 7 years, gone for 16 years, and I still write his blog daily! So you can just imagine the magnitude of loss I feel having known my husband for 35 years. 

Truly some days I wake up and wonder............. am I going crazy? Were the last 35 years of my life a figment of my imagination? The mind games are tremendous. But no matter what, I remain well grounded in reality! I know what I know, I know what I have experienced, and I know what love feels like, and when in doubt I have countless cards, gifts, photos, and post it love notes all over the house. This is the person I knew and how I experienced my husband, and it is very hard accepting that this person is gone. In fact, the person I used to know I consider dead. I say this with confidence because the man I knew, or thought I knew, was about love, loyalty, fidelity, and commitment. 

With each year that goes by, the loss of Mattie gets more profound. It is hard to describe what this loss feels like or how it evolves with each year. This was something my husband and I just intuitively understood and connected on. Now I sit with these feelings alone. I share this forever loss alone, which is why Mother's and Father's days are particularly poignant. 

Speaking of fathers, my dad asks about my husband often. He can't remember that my husband left, the circumstances around his leaving, or any of the details of his current life. I realize my dad has Alzheimer's and I put this into context, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt each time he discusses my husband. In my dad's brain, I have a feeling he thinks any minute, my husband will walk in the door and sit down and have dinner with us. As I always say to my dad, I wish I could live in his brain for just a day. A day without remembering what has happened to me, both with child loss and abandonment. Of course, I say this LIGHTLY, because Alzheimer's is a horrific disease and I wouldn't wish this upon myself or anyone else for that matter. When I say I take it one day at a time, I am not kidding. 

Fortunately this house is a major distraction. As I always say, distractions are the key to survival. Today I dealt with numerous issues all before 11am. Later in the day, I decided to begin painting my side porch. Eventually I need to have the contractor back to deal with the whole porch, which is rotting away. But I can only take on one big project at a time, and the portico was my project for this season. So until I can address the side porch professionally, I decided to power wash the area, scrub it with wine vinegar and I am now doing some painting. So a side porch refresh.  

Thursday, June 12, 2025

Thursday, June 12, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old. That day, Mattie and his best friend from preschool, Zachary, went to Pennsylvania, to experience a Day out with Thomas. Mattie and Zachary were BIG train fans, and they must have seen every Thomas the Tank Engine movie! Not to mention they had all the trains from the series. I love this photo! They both were moving with purpose to see the trains! These two were inseparable in preschool, and this bond continued throughout Mattie's cancer journey. The truly embodied the beauty of friendship, not just in good times, but also in bad. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is like death: you never think it will happen to you. ~ Marty Rubin

Two night's ago, I took this photo from my bedroom window. It was during the strawberry moon. The moon gets this name because wild strawberries are ripening and ready to be harvested in many parts of North America during June. It is said that this name is associated with Native American cultures, who would use the moon's cycle to mark the strawberry harvest.

Any case for me any time I see the moon, I view it as a message from Mattie. When Mattie was in preschool, his nickname was "Mattie Moon." His preschool attached symbols with the same first letter of a child's name! Needless to say, the Mattie Moon moniker stuck with SO MANY of us! When Mattie died, Mattie Moon took on a whole new and more meaningful significance!

Do you see this suncatcher? It has been attached to my bedroom window for years. My husband gave it to me shortly after we moved into this house in 2021. If you can't read it, it says, "Having you in my life is a blessing." It is hard to believe that the suncatcher remains, and all I have left are things, and not the person. Why give me such a gift? My answer is simple.... because it was genuine. Because this was us, we were a team, and just like geometry proofs have GIVENS, we were each other's givens. 

This morning, while getting myself ready for the day, I heard about the death of Brian Wilson, from the Beach Boys. The Beach Boys are timeless, and they transcend SO MANY generations. Perhaps the reason why I always loved their music, was because they captured the sounds and beauty of what one would associate with California. 

However, what I am always fascinated by with, is the person behind the name. I came across this article, entitled, Brian Wilson, the musical genius behind the Beach Boys, dies at 82. I truly did not know about Wilson's personal life, so reading this LA Times article was enlightening. He admits to having mental health problems. When such issues arise, I feel you just have to scratch the surface and what you will uncover is either abuse, betrayal or abandonment. Sure enough, he had an abusive father and his own therapist heavily medicated, manipulated, and betrayed him. It is an absolute wonder that with all of this weighing on him, that Wilson was able to write and create timeless and iconic songs. Not just one, but over 260. As Paul McCartney famously said, "God Only Knows" is the "greatest song ever written." He stated that it's one of the few songs that reduces him to tears every time he hears it. He also said it's a brilliantly done love song that showcases Brian Wilson's genius. 

Here's another interesting tidbit, when Wilson was in high school, he earned an F for a composition he submitted in his music class. Decades later the school changed his grade to an A when administrators discovered the composition had become the Beach Boys’ first hit song, “Surfing.” Amazing no? Clearly Wilson was a person who absorbed rejection, but was passionate about his art and his convictions and they pushed him forward. Truly, you only have to hear the first few notes of his songs, and immediately you can identify them. They are that iconic. 

All of this just gives me pause, because each day I face one of my greatest rejections in life..... my husband leaving me. The song, God only knows, resonates with me so! At the time the song was written (1966), referencing "God" in a title or lyric was generally considered a taboo for pop music. Yet probably what made me a musical great, was his ability to test the limits. With that said, no matter the success and his plethora of albums, the emotional issues, I have no doubt, followed him. Trauma, grief, betrayal and abandonment, can't be erased, they live within you. The challenge is not to allow them to consume you. 

The official, God Only Knows video.............................

Wednesday, June 11, 2025

Wednesday, June 11, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. That evening Mattie went to see a Washington Nationals baseball game. As you can see, he came away from the game with a mini bat! Now here's the thing.... did Mattie like sports? Mattie didn't dislike sports, but I can't say he loved them either. In fact, when it came to sports, Mattie was much more like me. He liked going to the games, NOT for the sports, but for people watching and the experience! The apple did not fall far from the tree!

Quote of the day: Trust starts with truth and ends with truth. ~ Santosh Kalwar

I finalized Mattie Miracle's 16th year of service video today! I have been working on this video for a month. Remember I am NOT that technologically savvy. So for me, everything takes longer. Last year, I had to learn the software from the ground up. So in comparison to last year, this year was slightly easier. 

With Mattie Miracle, there is LOTS of content. So I am never at a loss for material. However, the trick is how do I take all this content and make a logical story out of it! In addition, the timing of slides to the song is challenging, along with the motion of the photos and the words. Also don't get me started about the transitioning between photos. The logistics of the video occupied a great deal of my time, because if things don't flow well, it will take away from the message being conveyed. 

Typically I don't share this video until our Foundation newsletter goes out, but since I have been talking about this video for weeks, I decided to share it with you! Keep in mind that it is only three minutes long. So it moves at a clip. You can always pause any frame to read things more thoroughly if you wish. Any case, I am hoping this video helps you understand more about Mattie Miracle's work, how we spend the funds donated to us, and that it illustrates all the lessons I learned from Mattie, which to this day guide his Foundation. Mattie Miracle is Mattie's legacy!

Tuesday, June 10, 2025

Tuesday, June 10, 2025 -- Mattie died 798 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Mattie received this remote controlled boat and that day we took him to Roosevelt Island so he could maneuver the boat on the water. Mattie was fascinated with boats, boats of all kinds! If you asked him what he was saving his money for, he'd tell you..... for a boat. Not a toy boat, but a real one! Mattie's dream was to be a captain of a ship! I am so glad that Roosevelt Island was close to our home and that we had this wonderful escape on the weekends! So much was learned together on the Island. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is never easy to handle and there is no right way to accept it. ~ Christine Feehan

This morning did not go any way to plan. But then again, it never does in my house! One of the positives was I received an email from Nate, the power washer professional who was been working with me since March. It is hard to make ALL the decisions in this house on my own. I am responsible for so many things, and have no one to bounce thoughts and ideas off of. So when Nate wrote today, I showed him a BEFORE photo of the flagstone! This was what I have been seeing for years! This greyish/black stone! I snapped this photo in March 2025. To me this was a depressing sight! 

I then sent Nate this after photo! I am still amazed at the difference. Nate told me that most people do not even bother to clean their stones unless they are selling their house. He told me that when owners see the transformation, they usually say..... why didn't I do this sooner? 

What I know is this house is important to me, and anything that is important to me, gets taken care of very well! My goal is to tackle projects one at a time, to restore parts of the house back to their original glory. When I wonder.... did I make the right decision about power washing, the answer was YES!

At around 9am, I got an alert on my phone about the house's alarm system. The message was that the battery was running low! TRULY I had NO IDEA what that even meant. I stopped what I was doing and ran to my computer and then called the company. The woman was lovely and explained the issue, she is sending me a replacement battery, and then I elected to install it myself. I will either watch the installation video, or call the company and have them walk me through how to do this over the phone. There is no way I am paying for someone to come to the house to install a battery! I figure if I can learn to flush a sump pump, manage a septic system, handle basic electricity and plumbing, I should be able to figure out a battery replacement! 

Once I dealt with that crisis, I moved onto the next problem. My garage door has been having issues! Significant enough that I was worried that I wouldn't be able to open it! The garage is crucial, because this is the easiest way for me to safely get my parents in and out of the house. So my garage door has to function. I decided to call the Overhead Door Company! On an aside, I think I could make a HOW TO guide for all women at this point, on how to manage a house! 

This garage door company, I feel, is the best in our area! They give you same day appointments, their service providers are always excellent, efficient, they listen, and explain things in an understandable manner! Any case, multiple issues needed to be addressed (tighten a drive belt, secure loose boom bracket, adjusted tension on springs, secured loose safety sensors, lubricated door, etc) and what I learned was I was smart to address this issue now before the many issues got worse. If I waited more damage would have been done and the repair would have been more costly. I appreciated hearing this, it just helped me to know that my instincts regarding house maintenance are correct! As it is, I lubricate all the hinges on the garage door biannually and today I learned this was correct, and then getting a professional to tune up the door every two to three years is perfect. They even gave me a reminder sticker, which I have posted up in the garage, so I know when I should get it serviced next! VERY HELPFUL! I am very grateful to have a wonderful network of men to turn to, because house maintenance is daunting on a good day. 

What I do know is I could never leave my spouse managing the impossible alone. I would be riddled with guilt every minute of the day. Some days the feelings from this abandonment are overwhelming and I am ready to give up and then there are days like today, when I say to myself...... YOU AREN'T going to bring me down. You have done enough damage. I am resourceful, I can advocate for myself and my parents, and I can make intelligent decisions. However, these positive reflections never last long!

Monday, June 9, 2025

Monday, June 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Mattie was sitting in between his two closest kindergarten buddies, Charlotte and Campbell. They were like the three musketeers and they always said they were going to go to college together and be roommates. This photo was taken at the end of the year party held at a local park. If parent volunteers were requested, I always volunteered. As I wanted to experience all of Mattie's moments, and thankfully I did, because this was our first and last end of year party we ever attended! A month later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one of those is to lose all three. ~ Ziad K. Abdelnour

This morning Nate came over to finish cleaning my stone patio. Keep in mind that this patio probably hasn't been professionally cleaned in over ten years. This was what the stone looked like.... black! 

This is the finished product! I was going to attempt to do this on my own, and then I realized.... NO WAY! First I don't know what I am doing and second the space is too large. I typically do not show the whole backyard on the blog, but it gives you a feeling for why I fell in love with this house! I LOVED the outside, even before ever walking through the front door! 

I came across this article today, entitled, If you’ve lived through these 8 experiences, you’re more resilient than the average person. Well naturally this article got me at the title! I was curious to hear what qualifies someone to be a resilient person. For the most part, I am not a list person and I also do not care for rah rah speeches or platitudes that make lemonade out of very tart lemons! The 8 experiences the author listed, however, resonated with me. They are:

1. You’ve hit rock bottom—and climbed your way back up
2. You’ve grieved a deep loss
3. You’ve had to reinvent yourself
4. You’ve been misunderstood—and stood your ground anyway
5. You’ve taken care of others while breaking inside
6. You’ve faced rejection—and still kept putting yourself out there
7. You’ve lived with uncertainty and kept moving forward
8. You’ve learned how to let go

I do not think people have to hit rock bottom to evoke change and growth within themselves. I will never be a proponent of this way of thinking, but I can attest to hitting rock bottom. MANY TIMES. I hit it when Mattie died, and I have hit it again when my husband left me. However, the pit of despair is much greater now. As I have suffered two very significant losses, both of which have ramifications on my future. 

Being misunderstood but standing my ground, is very significant for me. If I am passionate about something, or convicted about it, I will NOT back down. I will stand my ground. I value truth, honesty, loyalty, and commitment. If I have experienced a wrong, or witness this happening to someone else, then you want me on your side. I can be very calm and strategic, while I build up my advocacy plan. But do not under estimate my nice exterior, as my moral compass is my foundation and it is well intact. 

My parents relocated us from New York to Los Angeles, when I was in high school. This was a huge adjustment for me. I can't tell you the ridicule and rejection I received at school. I was constantly made fun of, told I looked and sounded like a New Yorker. Now I would laugh over this, but as a teenager, this seemed devastating. I remember it took me a long time to make friends, but even back then, I did NOT transform my core values to fit into my environment. What I learned about standing my ground is that people typically respect my convictions. Having experienced many rejections, what I took away from them, was the feeling. To this day, if I am in a group setting and I see someone sitting BY THEMSELVES, I will always go over to them and include them in whatever group I am in. In fact seeing someone by themselves.... is like a trigger for me.  It takes me right back to being in high school. 

We are a product of our experiences and my current life reads more like a bad TV movie than reality. On any given day, it would be easy to just give up. However, as the author of this article points out..... resilient people don’t always feel brave—sometimes they’re terrified—but they still show up for life anyway.  I couldn't have said it better, for as long as someone needs me, I continue to show up for life anyway. 

Sunday, June 8, 2025

Sunday, June 8, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. We took Mattie for a canoe ride on the Potomac River. Typically I did not go on these adventures. But that day, Mattie wanted me along. As you can see, no matter what we were doing, my camera was always with me. I loved photographing all these moments in time, not just special occasions. Thankfully I did, as it is hard to believe the photos are all I have left of my son and my marriage! 

Quote of the day: Trust is like a vase. Once it's broken, though you can fix it, the vase will never be same again. ~ Carol Brady

Sunday is the one day in the week, I can sleep past 6:30am. NOT this morning. At 6:20am, Indie was knocking her head and whole body against my bedroom door. She wanted me UP and to be fed. There was no stopping her, as I tried to ignore her, but after ten minutes of hearing her head against the door, I got out of bed to deal with her. Needless to say, going back and resting, is not how my body or mind works. Once my mind is activated, there isn't an off button. 

I decided to take a step back from the Foundation's video today.  I have been working on it all week. It is becoming a blur to me, which means I can't look at it for a day or so. I will go back to it this week and hopefully finish it. 

Despite it raining today, I was out in it and pulling weeds and trimming roses. When I tell you I could work in my garden daily, and there would still be more to do, I am NOT kidding! 

The roses you see here were planted by my husband for me. When we moved into this house in 2021, this particular area was a hodgepodge. Slowly but surely we have transformed the garden, and the man that I used to know was a real New Englander. Meaning he understood the value of hard work and had no problem getting dirty in the garden. In fact he loved it, and over our many years together, I grew to love it as well!

Last spring, I planted these roses and irises in this flower bed. Again, this area had NO rhyme or reason before. 

We planted these roses too! Get the gist.... I love roses and we loved roses together!

Do you notice how black the stone is on the patio? I had half of the patio power washed in March. Nate is coming back tomorrow to finish this half. I haven't seen the real color of this stone EVER! When we bought the house the stone was this dirty! However, Nate is showing me how to keep the stone clean and when he told me to get a spray bottle and fill it with some bleach and a lot of water, and spray the stone directly, I thought he was crazy. But it works like a charm without hurting any of my plants, as it is directly on the stone and isn't concentrated.

This area on my porch is a tribute to Mattie. This garden angel was given to me by my friend, Toni, shortly after Mattie died. Toni is Brandon's mom (Mattie's close buddy, who was diagnosed with cancer around the same time). This angel has been with me now for 16 years! 

Saturday, June 7, 2025

Saturday, June 7, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Mattie had just completed kindergarten and that day he got together with his "girlfriend" Charlotte. We went for an adventure in Georgetown riding a boat through the canals. Mattie and Charlotte became instant friends in kindergarten and they brought out the best in each other. Their joke was they were going to go to college together and become roommates. It is hard to imagine that a month after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first. ~ Suzanne Collins

Last night, as it began to rain, I noticed that the outdoor lights in our front yard went out again! If you recall, I dealt with this problem a month ago. Which caused me to get the electrician over and then our landscaper. Last night, I was determined to figure this out myself! As I am tired of paying unnecessary bills! I have NOW located the problem, as my husband has two extension chords running to our deck. One extension chord provides electricity to the lights by our driveway and the other GOES to no where! LITERALLY! I have deduced that this chord which is going no where is the cause of the problem. This chord runs under our deck and clearly when it rains, it trips the GFI in the outdoor socket. Blowing all of our lights. So now I have this chord unplugged and I will eventually trace it to its origin and remove it. But that will mean I have to get under the deck. I am in no mood to handle that right now. However, I did get the front lights working again. In addition, I had to flush the back up sump pump in the basement yesterday. The manufacturer requires me to do this every three months in order to have this device under warranty. I learned this the hard way, as the previous pump burned out soon after my husband left. When I tell you that I have been getting a crash course in electrical, plumbing, heating, and other home improvement issues, I am NOT kidding. I am constantly on call for just about everything in the house!

This sump pump is crucial, because when we first moved into the house in 2021, we have a flood in the basement during a horrible rain storm. Literally there was like an inch of water in the basement. It was a nightmare of a sight at 3am. Thankfully we had nothing in the basement at that time, and we worked for hours during the storm to remove the water from the basement. I will never forget that night, a night I never wish to have again! So whatever I have to do to maintain the pumps, I DO! 

In between caring for my parents and taking them out to lunch, I continued working on the Foundation's video! I HATE technology! This video is taking every ounce of energy I have and my patience is dwindling. Tonight, after working on it for several more hours, I shut down the application, and decided I need a mental and emotional break from this work. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. But I would say, I have always been a perfectionist, but now these tendencies have magnified. I believe this is the case because this is the only thing I can now control. Whatever I do or put together, has to be a solid product. Since I am the sole keeper of Mattie's legacy, I feel that whatever is Foundation related has to be of quality otherwise, I won't do it! This is all well and done, but I notice this is coming at a high price to my emotional well being. 

Friday, June 6, 2025

Friday, June 6, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2003. Mattie was a year old. That day, my parents (who were visiting from Los Angeles) and I took Mattie to the Reston Zoo. It was a family favorite, because this Zoo is small, perfect for younger children, never crowded and children can experience hands on activities with the animals. I look at this photo now, and see the dramatic transformation in my dad. This was my dad before Alzheimer's took over. This photo shows the cute bond between Mattie and his pop pop!

Quote of the day: Betrayal annihilates trust. The more trust there is to begin with, and the more deception is involved, the more damage is done. ~ Sandra Lee Dennis

My college roommate and friend, Leslie, sent me the article entitled, A caregiver dad, Bradley Cooper and how a national crisis inspired an unexpected film. She sent it to me because she thought it would resonate with me. WOW, does it! The person highlighted in the article, Bradley, has shared his caregiving stories on TikTok. I admit I haven't watched them, as I am not adding one more app to my life. However, what I do admire, is his courage to share his story, and more importantly to highlight the many travesties family members endure each day, while caring for a loved one. Bradley talks about the poverty he is facing because of huge caregiving expenses. Yet there really are NO benefits that he is entitled to, to assist him with his vital role. Ironically most long term care insurances and other benefits are for paid services, NOT to help reimburse family members. Keep in mind that family members are doing the MAJORITY of the caregiving work in the USA. 

As Bradley points out, most of us do our roles, without much regard for being classified as caregivers. I remember when I was doing my dissertation research and had the opportunity to work with 100 caregivers..... interview after interview, the majority of caregivers did NOT identify as such! Many caregivers do not identify with the term because to them caring for a loved one is just what is  expected. They wouldn't have it any other way.

I absolutely LOVE Rosalynn Carter's quote. In fact, I used this quote to begin chapter one of my dissertation. She stated, there are only four kinds of people in the world: those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers! Why this quote is so captivating is because she allows us to see that caregiving isn't just my problem or the next person's problem..... it is something that affects ALL human beings. 

Ironically, unless you read this blog, most people do not know the extent of care I provide for both of my parents. People in our community see my parents out and about and therefore deem that they are fully independent. In the sense that they can meet all their own basic needs. But this couldn't be furthest from the truth. When I mentioned to someone that I couldn't get the phone because I was showering my dad.... she just looked at me. She did not realize that my caregiving involves heavy duty tasks each day. I manage all my dad's activities of daily living (dressing, bathing, and toileting) and I manage ALL instrumental activities of daily living (cooking, cleaning, transportation, managing finances, and all communications, and scheduling) for both of my parents. 

If you think that Medicare will cover ANYTHING of what I do, or what other family caregivers perform, you would be WRONG. Medicare only covers professional services (nursing, PT, OT, and speech therapy), and even that would be on a short term basis, and as for Medicaid, that would only kick in to cover institutionalization after you have depleted all your loved one's assets. So truly you can't expect help from these resources. Likewise, don't get me started on long term care insurance either! It is costly, but also doesn't cover family members who are providing the care. Insurance will cover certified caregivers or facilities providing care, but keep in mind at best, long term care insurance will only cover 3-4 hours of care a day! Mind you there are 20 more hours in a day that a family will then be financially responsible for! 

It gets better, I am THRILLED Bradley mentioned it..... he says he hasn't hired certified caregivers to help with his wife, because he can't afford it! This isn't a commentary on Bradley, but a commentary on how DOWNRIGHT expensive outside care is for our family members. What am I talking about? Let me paint the reality, why like Bradley, I am ALSO not relying on outside help!

The going rate for a certified caregiver (someone who performs activities of daily living and instrumental activities of daily living) is $30 an hour. I provide 24/7 care! So let's do the math.... $30 (an hour) x 24 (hours in a day)=$720 a day. Then let's calculate the weekly rate: $720 (a day) x 7 (days a week)=$5,040. There are 52 weeks in a year: $5,040 (a week) x 52 (weeks in a year)=$262,080. This is in theory how much I would be paying out for the care of one parent. But I need care for two. If I hired a caregiver through an agency, they would insist that each parent has their own caregiver. So for all intensive purposes you can take the yearly rate of $262,080 (a year) x 2 (parents)= $524,160! Do you see how this adds up quickly and that is only for ONE YEAR. I have been performing my 24/7 role for four years. So for fun and giggles, this would look like........... $524,160 (a year for two parents) x 4 (years) =$2,096,640. I am telling you this to give you a bird's eye view..... this is why the majority of family caregivers are performing this critical role! As I always used to say, caregivers are the unsung heroes of our society! 

Family caregivers do NOT perform our roles and endure certain sacrifices because we want MONEY. We do it out of LOVE, RESPECT, and COMMITMENT to those we care for and as a result you could NEVER put a price tag to what we do each day. 

If you are interested in seeing the caregiving documentary on PBS, go to: 

https://www.pbs.org/video/caregiving/