Thursday, July 10, 2025

Thursday, July 10, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008. Literally weeks before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer on July 23. That day we took him to Roosevelt Island. A favorite weekend spot of us to walk as a family. Literally we went to the Island in every season! Mattie did not mind the cold or the heat! No trip to the Island was ever complete without Mattie coming home with a piece of nature. It could be a rock, an acorn, a branch, or something he found while walking. I can't tell you the amazing collection of items we used to have outside our deck door in the city. It was filled with Mattie's findings and in essence a visual of our adventures together.  

Quote of the day: In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others. ~ Brennan Manning

It was a long night in the emergency room with my dad. Thankfully it wasn't a busy night filled with patients, so literally within thirty minutes of checking in, we were escorted back to an ER room. However, as I entered the room, there was stuff all over the floor and the trash receptacle was NOT cleaned out from the previous patient. So I could see IVs and an emesis bucket in the trash. Truly not appealing and also not hygienic. My mom insisted on coming with me so before I could take my dad to the hospital, I had to pack snacks, hot cider for her, hot hands, a heating pad, and blankets, because she is always notoriously cold. When I arrived at the ER, it was a show. Because I had to get a wheelchair for my dad, I had my mom holding onto me, and I was carrying bags, blankets, and way too much. I almost had a melt down in the parking lot, even before entering the ER. But truly who cares if I have a meltdown? Instead, like any caregiver, you plow through it, because you have no other choice.

Typically in previous ER visits, and remember I was just there in April, when my dad had sepsis, we meet the ER doctor right away. Last night, I never met the doctor, until hours later, and that was only after I demanded to see her. I should have skipped that step because she was a nightmare. She and I were like water and oil. She had an attitude and was condescending! She is all about the data and could care less about my perspective and observations. After all, she may have and understand her data, but she doesn't know the patient like I do! 

She ran my dad through a chest Xray, then a chest CT scan, countless blood work, urine analysis, and so forth. First she was worried about a heart attack and then a pulmonary embolism. Which explains all the testing! I was primarily worried about pneumonia. Once the lungs were determined not to be filled with fluid, she then focused upon a urinary tract infection. However, she never put my dad on IV fluids, so how she thought she was going to collect urine was beyond me. So I had to advocate for IV fluids, then they did not understand that my dad was incontinent. Therefore if they wanted urine, they had to catharize him. Seriously it was like they never cared for a 90 year old before! I love when they start instructing my dad, no matter how many times I told them, he isn't an accurate reporter and can't track their conversation, they continued to go around me. That is when I truly was getting upset.

Now if that was the only nonsense I faced that would have been bad enough, but there was a young adult in the ER, stationed right outside my dad's room who was a drug addict. She was detoxing and it was horrific, painful, and VERY upsetting to hear. Not just for a few minutes, but hours. This girl was screaming, howling, pacing, and demanding drugs. I literally asked the healthcare team why they were not giving her a psych consult. One of them said to me..... this isn't a psych issue but a behavioral issue. That she was showing off to her family and vying for attention. Now there may have been 1/16th of truth to this, but truthfully it did not take a rocket scientist to understand that she was having withdrawal symptoms and you could hear her desperation! Where was the compassion for this patient and for ALL the other patients who were witnesses?

This reminded me of the vicarious trauma (secondary trauma) I endured when Mattie was in the hospital undergoing treatment. It wasn't just his journey I had to absorb, but I had to hear and witness countless other moments of suffering of other children! I will never forget the first week we were in the hospital. The whole experience was new to us and we were so worried about Mattie's first chemotherapy treatment. One night, the child in the next room died. The screaming, howling, and sobbing remains in my head and heart. The only way to drown it out was to put a pillow over my head. Last night's situation with this young girl transported me right back in time to that first week Mattie had chemotherapy. Trauma is an interesting thing, because you may face it and process it, but like a groove on a record, trauma gets ingrained within our DNA. 

My dad's medical data showed a high white blood cell count and blood and white blood cells in his urine. Not to mention he was running a fever, was very weak (so much so that I am now lifting him up from chairs and the commode -- and he isn't light), and extremely congested. Yet all that said, the ER doctor would not admit him to the hospital. Instead, she discharged us at 4am! A 90 year old discharged at 4am!!! My dad was so disoriented, it was ridiculous. What I have concluded, and I told her as much, is that she has NO respect or compassion for the family caregiver. She dismissed me and did not take the insight I have on my dad seriously, because I wouldn't be taking him to the hospital if me and his primary care doctor did not think it was merited. 

Between everything I have faced these past two years, having to split Mattie's ashes on Tuesday, and this total disrespect by a medical provider, I was NOT in a good mental state when I was driving home at 4am. First off, I am exhausted, but second, for two minutes, I thought my life is so miserable that I could drive off the road right now, end it all, and it would be done. Of course, that was a fleeting thought, as I had my parents in the car, and had to get them home safely. 

By the time I got home, and got my dad settled, and I did my evening chores, I went to bed at around 5:30am. However, I had an appointment this morning with Steve, the man who helps me with lights, irrigation, and other outdoor tasks at 8am. Which meant I got up at 7am. I have no idea how I am functioning today, especially since I had a full day of caregiving on my plate. 

Later in the morning, my dad's primary care doctor called me. I had been text messaging him all along, and showed him data on my dad's portal last night as it was coming in. Any case, he called today to tell me that he did not agree with the ER doctor's decision to discharge my dad. He said he had enough issues that merited hospitalization. Any case, I have been taking my dad's temperature, oxygen saturation level and heart rate throughout the day and sending it the doctor. 

The main highlight of my day was talking to Steve. When he arrived I asked him to help me with Jack. Who is Jack? Jack is the rubber fig tree you see in this photo. Jack is special to me. He was a tiny plant (like knee height) that was given to me by two of my friends right after Mattie died. That means I have been cultivating this tree for 16 years. Unfortunately to my dismay, Jack died. I tried everything to bring him back to health, but it just wasn't possible. Seems very symbolic of my life. I did not have the heart to remove Jack from this pot. So I literally rolled Jack to the front door and asked Steve to deal with it. He did and he cleaned out the pot for me. He said this gives me the opportunity to pick another tree of my choosing to honor Mattie. Before Steve left he said to me that he always loves visiting my property, because he can tell the time and attention I put on all the plantings. He said my gardens are beautiful and coming onto the property is like being transported to a tranquil and peaceful location. His feedback made me smile and I literally was clapping! Clapping because here I am one tiny person, taking on almost an acre of property single handedly. He is the third person this week who has called me either ONE STRONG WOMAN or SUPER WOMAN (which is what my dad's physical therapist calls me!).

Wednesday, July 9, 2025

Wednesday, July 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. By that point in Mattie's treatment, chemotherapy was behind him, as well as his surgeries. He was only undergoing experimental treatment and the goal was to focus on physical therapy, so that Mattie could relearn to walk and return to school in the Fall of 2009. In this photo you can see Mattie working hard with Anna, his physical therapist. By this point, Mattie and Anna were good buddies as they had been working together for a year! Unfortunately about a month later, we learned Mattie's cancer had metastasized, and then on September 8th, Mattie died. To this day, I still can't get over how valiantly Mattie fought this disease and yet how quickly the disease spread only six weeks off of chemotherapy!

Quote of the day: Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart. ~ Jose N. Harris

It is 8:15pm, I am headed to the Emergency Room with my parents. My dad is very weak, congested, and has an 101 fever. His doctor told me to take him in right away! Keep me in your thoughts. 

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As I have mentioned previously on the blog, I hate opening up my mailbox! Why? Because there are usually countless bills that I need to juggle and process. Yesterday was no different. I opened up the box and found an unexpected medical bill for my mom. So I called the doctor's office and they explained to me that it is my mom's Medicare deductible. Fine, I understood that after she explained it, but then the office manager turned to my dad's medical bills! She proceeded to tell me that all his medical bills have been DENIED since December of 2024. It is JULY, and I am JUST HEARING ABOUT THIS NOW! 

The issue has to do with my dad's supplemental policies. He has one through his former employer and one through my mom's former employer. Somehow these two supplementals are fighting over who is his secondary provider and who is his tertiary provider. Now this is beyond hysterical because my dad has had Medicare and these two supplementals for decades! Why are we facing this issue NOW!? Any case, that led me to having to call both supplemental plans. That was two and half hours on the phone and what I am learning is we most likely will be getting back pay bills for perhaps the last five years. Because the secondary insurer is really the tertiary insurer and has paid MORE than they should have for my dad's care. Seriously it is mind numbing! NOT what I wanted to hear.

What I should mention is during this 2.5 hour nightmare, my cell phone was acting up. I could make calls, but NO ONE could hear me. Or they heard me intermittently! Which meant the call dropped and I had to call back again, and start the conversation all over again, with a new representative. I was so frustrated that I moved to my land line. Yes I still have a land line, and thank goodness I do, otherwise, I couldn't have made these calls. 

Fast forward to today. This morning, while juggling a meeting with one of the fellows who helps me maintain the outside of my house, my neighbor called me. She was in a panic! She couldn't make voice calls from her cell phone. The phone is very important to her. I asked her whether she has AT&T and the answer was YES! So I quickly deduced.... there has to be an outage. So I got on the AT&T portal and sure enough our area has a voice outage for the next 7 days. Which led me to call AT&T, because we all need access to making phone calls. The AT&T rep I spoke to was absolutely delightful. He confirmed the outage and then proceeded to educate me about Wi-Fi calling. I truly had no idea what he was talking about. I kept telling him.... yes I am connected to Wi-Fi, and he told me that is not the same thing as Wi-Fi calling. So he walked me through my cell phone settings and within minutes, he showed me how to turn on Wi-Fi calling. I learned Wi-Fi calling can be on indefinitely and that it serves as a booster to making and receiving all calls. But basically Wi-Fi calling does not rely on your mobile carrier's cell towers, Wi-Fi calling utilizes your existing Wi-Fi network to route calls and texts. He even stayed on the line with me, while I made a call to my neighbor to see if my phone was working. It did! He was a peach.

I then walked over to my neighbor's house and helped her connect to Wi-Fi calling on her phone. She was so thrilled to be able to make phone calls today, that I literally heard from her tonight to thank me for helping her! I told her I understand, the phone is not just about connecting to those we know, but it is also about safety and security!

I am ending with photos of my hibiscus plants. I have two of them. I bought them last spring in memory of my amazing dog, Sunny! To me the flowers are so SUNNY and happy. I take these plants in during the winner and back out in the spring. I thought I had killed them in the transfer back outside. But not only are they thriving, they are producing!!! 

Simply beautiful. In a sea of misery, I stop and look at this beauty, to restabilize. 

Tuesday, July 8, 2025

Tuesday, July 8, 2025 -- Mattie died 802 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital stays and those days he worked on a Lego Taj Mahal! Truly it was an impressive undertaking! Look at that smile, so pleased with his accomplishment. To this day, I still have the top dome of the Taj Mahal in my office on display!

Quote of the day: Adversity reveals genius, prosperity conceals it. ~ Horace

Some days I am moving around and getting things done, and I may look like things are okay! But I assure you, even while looking okay, I always have this sickening feeling that THIS CAN'T BE MY LIFE! Almost like I am traveling around in a bubble, and sometimes I am inside the bubble and sometimes I am outside the bubble. I do much better inside the bubble, floating about, busy with chores. When I am outside the bubble, examining my life, then the reality of my existence hits me, and hard. 

For the past 37 years of my life, there were some constants and givens. My husband being the main one! It is how I understood the world and those within it. Now that I have lost my other half, it is like traveling around without the outer layer of my skin. It hurts, it is painful, and there is no clue when and if I will be able to survive this confusing and painful existence. 

Today did not help! As you can see, I put my Mattie in the car, seat belted him in the back seat, and headed to the funeral home. If you did not read last night's blog, then you are probably looking at this photo and saying.... WHAT ON EARTH IS VICKI TALKING ABOUT? After all, you don't see Mattie. I haven't lost it yet, I don't see Mattie either. But Mattie's ashes are housed in this beautiful marquetry music box from Italy. I had to take them to the funeral home today to split the ashes in half. I have no idea why I ever agreed to this legally, as this is counter to everything I hold dear. But I think while I was separated, I agreed to this because I never thought we would actually get divorced. I truly did not think this could ever happen, mainly because all my life, people have always appreciated and valued their connection with me. It NEVER dawned on me that the one person who supposedly loved me the most, actually didn't!

This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I drove to the funeral home. This is the home I connected with about a year ago, when I moved my parent's pre-funeral plans from California to this location. So when I had to split Mattie's ashes, I decided to call them for help! 

I met with one of the funeral directors today, and she took care of everything. I am so glad I had the original cremation paperwork from 2009, because that was actually needed! I did not discuss with her who these ashes belonged to or the circumstances. I figured, why bother?! It is not like she is going to be of any emotional help to me. I say this not as a reflection of the director, but because this is the emotional state I am in. Very little helps. No amount of talking helps, and seeing a way forward escapes me. 

While waiting for Rachel to split the ashes, this was my view. While sitting there, I could feel my level of anxiety rising. Fortunately I wasn't there very long!

Rachel made a copy of the original cremation certificate and put half of Mattie in this plastic urn. There was no charge for this service. 

Mattie is now it two different places.... a box and an urn. My good friend Mary Ann wrote to me last night and shared something that I found very helpful. She wrote, "God calls things that are not as though they are" (Romans 4:17). Which speaks to God's creative power and the nature of faith. So having faith, I believe that God can mysteriously bring together Mattie's ashes as though they never were separated. Thank you Mary Ann!

Whether I have all of Mattie's ashes or half of Mattie's ashes, that doesn't change the fact that I am Mattie's mom! I am Mattie's memory keeper, and I will continue to keep Mattie's legacy going by running his Foundation and helping other children and families like ours! JUST LIKE I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST 16 YEARS! 

Monday, July 7, 2025

Monday, July 7, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. This photo speaks to Mattie's character and determination. We were home from the hospital and we were working as a family to paint our deck. As crazy as this sounded, we tried to do normal everyday things when we were away from the hospital. Mattie was wheelchair bound and the only limb that wasn't operated on was his left leg. Which was why that leg got nicknamed.... Curious George. Because Mattie could use that leg and foot like an arm and hand! Any case, that day, Curious George was helping us paint the deck. Mattie could have just sat and watched us, but that wasn't his style. He always wanted to be a part of the action and even with cancer, that spirit was never altered!

Quote of the day: Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. ~ Christian D. Larson

When I think of how far I have come since my separation began on September 23, 2023, it is amazing! I can't tell you the hurdles I have had to face, jump over, endure, and address. I have enough content for a book or TV movie. I went from a person who trusted implicitly the person I was married to and never managed the finances, paid a bill, dealt with taxes, or did home maintenance. To what I am now! That said, even when I was married I did a ton of other things! I never sat ideally around while people around me were working. It isn't my style. 

In addition to being emotionally devastated by my separation and then divorce, I had a steep learning curve both financially and mechanically (as I had to learn about the house, the property, and every system and gadget in the house). That would be hard enough to face, but I was left to manage all of my parent's caregiving needs alone. That I haven't lost my mind or given up on life yet is remarkable. But each day is still touch and go. Which is why I take it one day at a time. If I think about the future, I would be so distraught, I couldn't function. 

Today I had to do another hard thing, I had to call a funeral home about arranging to separate Mattie's ashes. This is where the law and religion don't align, as Roman Catholics are opposed to splitting ashes. Ashes are supposed to remain intact, as ashes represent the body, which is to be respected and is sacred. 

It has taken me months to come to terms with this spiritual quandary. Legally I have to do one thing, and spiritually another. The conclusion I have come to is that God has already accepted Mattie into heaven. He knows what Mattie was baptized on July 20, 2002, at St. Stephen - Martyr Catholic Church in Washington, DC and had a Roman Catholic funeral on October 10, 2009 at Holy Trinity in Washington, DC. Both events were witnessed by friends and family.  

Since Mattie died, his ashes have sat in this beautiful handcrafted music box. I bought this box from a website in Italy. The box is a work of art, Italian (part of Mattie's heritage), and plays music. Mattie was a human masterpiece and so creative, and when he died, I purposefully selected this unique box. The box also sits on an old fashioned Victrola. 

A close up of the box. On top of the box, sits a clay mold of Mattie's foot and his hand. You will notice a plastic spider on the hand. I placed that there, out of whimsy, because Mattie "loved" bugs! He enjoyed teasing me about bugs, and it was our little joke! In between the clay molds is an angel candle. A candle that was given to us by my husband's aunt in memory of Mattie. 

When you open up the music box, there are many trinkets inside that meant something to Mattie. Things like a Lego piece, butterflies, a compass, and a tiny little plastic mouse. Mattie got this mouse from his occupational therapist, way before he developed cancer. He LOVED that mouse, which he earned for working hard in his sessions. That mouse became a symbol of what Mattie could overcome! 

In addition, there is a certificate from the crematorium, as well as programs from Mattie's funeral and celebration of life event. Mattie's celebration of life was an amazing send off and tribute to Mattie. Everything from an art show of Mattie's creativity, a video, oral tributes from family, friends, and Mattie's health care team, a children's room to create memorial stones and messages to attach to balloons (which were then released), food, flowers, and the list went on! 

Underneath the trinket tray are Mattie's ashes, a little card with an attachment of a wisp of Mattie's hair, and a bag filled with all the metal prosthetics that were in his body (from all the surgeries to remove bone tumors). Naturally this metal didn't burn! It is hard to believe that Mattie's life and body have amounted to a bag of ashes. Truthfully seeing the bag brings me no peace and still makes me upset. 

So you can imagine how I feel about going to a funeral home to split these ashes in half tomorrow. With each day, I say, GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH. 

Sunday, July 6, 2025

Sunday, July 6, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. In front of us was a handmade birthday card that Mattie created for me with the help of my in-laws. Together we went on many trips to North Carolina and saw countless lighthouses. They made a replica of Bodie Light (in the Outer Banks), and formed it into a card. At that moment in time, I really thought we would have more time with Mattie. Two months after this photo was taken, Mattie died.  

Quote of the day: Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy—the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation. ~ Eric Hoffer

When we moved into this house, my husband planted MANY rubrum lily bulbs. He did this because he knew how much I love these flowers. I love their shape, look, and fragrance! You should have seen my garden this week. I had 100s of lilies! I cut many of them and put them in the house. The rest, I cut back. The stalks are so thick and fibrous, it is truly amazing! The strength and beauty of nature!

As one friend said to me, these flowers are a tribute to the love and beauty that once defined my marriage. Ironically all that remains are the things he planted for me in the garden. 

The lilies were taking over! They are so heavy, that there was no way to effectively prop them up! I have tried trellises, tying them up to garden stakes, but nothing worked. So they instead grew side ways! 

I should mention that these lilies pop open around the Fourth of July! To me they look like fireworks, and are so well timed with the season!

When I tell you I have lilies everywhere, I am not kidding! The only sad part about the lilies are they are one hit wonders for the season. But they did not disappoint this July 4th!

Saturday, July 5, 2025

Saturday, July 5, 2025

Tonight's picture was take on July 4, 2009. This was our last Fourth of July with Mattie. That weekend we took him to a local resort with friends. The notion was to try to have a more normal experience, and in order to make that weekend possible, we had to move heaven and earth with this treatment team. As you can see from this photo, Mattie did not want his photo taken. In fact, the whole weekend was a huge disaster, as Mattie wanted to spend more time in the hotel room, away from friends. The main take away was Mattie realized he was very different and very sick compared to his peers. It was a hard reality and truly heart breaking to absorb as his mom. 

Quote of the day: Courage isn't having the strength to go on, it is going on when you don't have the strength. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

Somehow yesterday did not feel like July 4th. Actually no day seems normal to me anymore. One of the traditions I had with my husband, was we would always watch the Capitol Fourth on TV. Given that we used to live minutes from the National Mall, we loved seeing the festivities in our backyard! In fact, at our townhouse in the city, we could see the Nation's firework show, a show we saw in person for over two decades. Moving to the suburbs changed all of that, yet I will never forget my time living in the city. So given that I was unhappy and off yesterday, I told my parents, that we were going to watch the Capitol Fourth concert on TV. As always it did not disappoint. Though my dad doesn't recall watching the show today, I know while watching it he enjoyed the music, seeing the crowds, and observing that the military and first responders were honored! As my dad will tell you now.... he was a surgical nurse in the Army!

There were many highlights throughout the show, but I am showing you this one. A song entitled, Rescue, by Lauren Daigle. Behind her were standing first responders. Everyone from nurses, paramedics, EMTs, firefighters, and Capitol police. I have never heard this song before, and it is hard to hear in this video, so I attached the lyrics below, because you don't want to miss them. The song is deeply meaningful, inspiring, and a true tribute to all first responders.

Click on the link to see the video:

https://www.facebook.com/capitolfourth/videos/1224148932354180/

Lyrics to Rescue:

You are not hidden
There's never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You're not defenseless
I'll be your shelter
I'll be your armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It's true, I will rescue you
I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It's true, I will rescue you
Oh, I will rescue you

For the past two days, I have been looking through countless photos to find this one! I knew it existed, but WHERE was it??? I guess I should get a gold star because at least I remembered the photo and the moment in time! Any case, as soon as I found it, I shared it with my in-laws. Notice that we were holding glow sticks. We formed them into numbers, for the year 2000! My mother-in-law told me that her mom truly loved and appreciated all the visits she had with me. That meant a great deal as this has been my family for over 35 years. What I have learned is there are some things that divorce can't touch! The reality of our family bond, our years together, and the fact that they know I always put family first. 

Friday, July 4, 2025

Friday, July 4, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. We were in the outpatient clinic, by the art table. That day, Mattie created Dr. Crazy Hair! Leave it to Mattie. This doctor came to the inpatient unit with us (and filled up Mattie's 2x4 of a room) as well and eventually to our home! Dr. Crazy Hair came with many items in his pocket, including a shell that Mattie said was a patient's toe nail! Truly you had to love Mattie! I absolutely LOVED his smile and so grateful his buddy, Brandon, was there (in the background) and part of the fun. I can't imagine our life without Brandon in it, as he understood Mattie and was a great big brother to him!

Quote of the day: During difficult times, an important resiliency step is being able to express your feelings in healthy ways. You can’t make feelings go away, but you can move through them. ~ Al Siebert

This morning, I was texting back and forth with my mother-in-law. She wished me a happy 4th and in the process reminded me of the time she and her mom visited us in Washington, DC on Independence Day. She recalled that we got glow sticks and I remembered we formed the sticks into numbers..... 2000! It was the millennium and an exciting point in history!

From her memory, I went into an instant panic! What was I panicking about? I worked myself up into a silly because I couldn't find the photo of all of us with the glow sticks! I can picture it in my head and I know it is somewhere in my cabinet of photos, but where? This was before digital cameras (thank goodness things are digitized when Mattie came around because it helps me to keep me organized). I strongly dislike when I do NOT have access to memories! My reaction is not in line with the issue, which then led me to think and conclude that freaking out over a missing photo had more to do with the trauma of not having my husband. As he was an important part of my memories! If he were here, I have no doubt we would have found the photo quickly! Any thing that involves memories now and not having access to them, makes me terribly upset. 

In the process of looking through stacks of photos today (in my non-existent free time), I found this one. This is three generations of women. Me, my mother-in-law, and her mom! I remember this day perfectly! The whole family came out to Los Angeles and stayed with my parents during Christmas of 1998! At first I did not remember the year and neither did my mother-in-law. But I worked the issue, and remembered that my nephew was 2 and my niece was 6 months old.... making it 1998! Life seemed incredibly happier then! This was WAY before I knew about childhood cancer or the personal heartache of betrayal and abandonment. 

I really wouldn't know it is July 4th today! The garbage truck came at 7am, my neighbor's gardeners were making a racket at 7:30am, and then Jessica came to clean the pool. I am having a major issue with one of my backyard gates. I knew I had to address it but guess what? To my surprise Jessica called her supervisor and today they fixed the problem without bothering me! They just let me know they identified the problem and corrected it! DEAR GOD..... someone who does something without me asking! This was my July 4th miracle. I was so touched by their efforts, that I wrote management a THANK YOU email! 

Later in the afternoon, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. We go to this shop weekly. We know everyone who works there. In fact, the manager and I share the same birth date! She actually remembered my birthday from last year, and reminded me about that today. She and her whole family really look out for me, and they are so kind to my parents! The second July 4th gift. No matter how down and out I may feel, I never forget kindness or acknowledging it! 

Thursday, July 3, 2025

Thursday, July 3, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008. This photo was taken literally days before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. We had no idea how our lives were going to change that month. That day we took Mattie to the DC Aquatic Gardens. This was a July tradition, because it is during this time of year all the lotus flowers are in bloom. It is an amazing and glorious sight! To me this Garden is one of the best kept secrets in DC. Notice that in Mattie's hand was a toy car. Mattie always traveled with a car in hand! I look at this photo now and it saddens me to know that Mattie is no longer with me and that going back to this garden with my husband will never happen again. 

Quote of the day: We met when we were only 16, at a high school dance. When he died, we were 50. I remember how I didn't want that day to end, terrible as it was. I didn't want to go to sleep because as long as I was awake, it was still a day that I shared with Sean. ~ Beverly Eckert

This morning, after settling my dad into his recliner and completing my mom's physical therapy session, I went to the grocery store. Sometimes when I go, I peruse the tea aisle. Before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I used to love all sorts of herbal teas. I also preferred weak tea! However, once Mattie was diagnosed, Team Mattie would bring me hot tea to the hospital. Naturally the most common tea is black tea. At first, I truly had a hard time drinking it. I deemed it too strong and tasteless. However, after 14 months of receiving black tea gifts, guess what? I came to love black tea. Not just black tea but VERY strong tea! I love tea that looks as black as coffee. Now if you should give me herbal tea, I have trouble getting it down. Funny how one's tastes and preferences can change. In my case, I do not attribute this change to age, but I attribute it to Mattie's cancer and living in the hospital! As crazy as this sounds, when I drink black tea, I think of Mattie. YES even tea connects me to my son!

Back to the tea aisle! So while walking up and down the aisle, I noticed a special selection of British teas! Particularly two companies... PG Tips and Typhoo! Given that I am at the point of being disgusted with most teas I buy, as I find them too weak, no matter how long I brew them, I bought a box of Typhoo tea. When I got home, I snapped a photo of the tea box and sent it to my friend in England. I literally asked her...... do you have this tea in England and have you tried it?? 

My friend sent me two commercials! One is of Typhoo tea and the other of PG Tips. I think they are absolutely adorable! It also speaks to the importance of tea in England, as I can't relate one solitary tea commercial in the USA! The PG Tips commercial is so hysterical that I am destined to purchase the tea, as the toy monkey in the commercial just got to me. I included both commercials below. Some days, I just need a laugh, a diversion from my reality, and tea did just that today!

Typhoo Tea Commercial

PG Tips Commercial

Wednesday, July 2, 2025

Wednesday, July 2, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. Mattie was five years old! How he loved this kiddie pool! When I tell you it took up half of our deck space, I am not kidding! But because Mattie loved it, enjoyed water play, and outdoor time, we got used to maneuvering around it! To me it was worth it, just to see that smile! When I look at this kiddie pool and look at my current pool, I think.... Mattie would have loved meeting Sunny, Indie, and living in our house. I am left to use my imagination on all of this and of course would prefer if Mattie were alive. As we enter July, it is impossible not to reflect on both my marriage (30th anniversary July 15) and Mattie's diagnosis day (July 23). 

Quote of the day: Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow’. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Last night, right after a rain storm, I went outside in the backyard to cut some basil for one of my dinner dishes. When I walked down our deck steps.... look who was right there!

A beautiful box turtle! I saw this fellow on the other side of the property a few days ago. So slowly but surely, he gets around! 

Today my freshman college roommate, Leslie, came to visit me and my mom. Before my parents moved in with me, I used to meet up with Leslie several times a year for lunch. I am so glad we were able to catch up today. Leslie is a loyal blog reader and has been following what has been happening in my life these past two years. There is something special reconnecting with someone who has known me WAY before Mattie existed, before he was diagnosed with cancer and died, and before my husband left me.

Freshman year in college is a big transition, or at least it was for me, to leave home and live in a dorm. Since Leslie and I have many similarities in style, character, and values, we were a solid match. So much so, that many years later, we are still connected. 

I made lunch for us today and in honor of Leslie's visit, I took out these butterfly quilted placemats and napkins. They were gifted to me by a friend of my mother-in-law, who sent them to me after learning about my divorce. Nancy is a professional quilter! These are beautiful pieces and I wanted to use them on a nice occasion, like today! 

I made a homemade chicken salad for lunch. It is supposed to be chicken with tarragon, but since I do not have tarragon in the garden, I used thyme! It is a GREAT recipe. The last time I made this recipe was August 2023, when my in-laws were visiting from Boston. I showed my mother-in-law a photo of these sandwiches today, and she said.... she remembered them well! The marbleized bread is also key!

I made a tomato, strawberry, watermelon, basil and goat cheese salad. The first time I was introduced to tomatoes paired with watermelon, was at a museum in Washington, DC. I couldn't get over how well these things pair with each other! It makes for a lovely summer salad, served with a light lemon and balsamic vinaigrette. 

Nothing like fruit! I truly enjoyed sitting eating and talking! The most special gift to me, is the opportunity to be truly heard and to feel understood!

Leslie brought me some amazing cookies and this violet! I happen to LOVE violets! I used to grow them in Washington, DC! I have wanted to get a few to start growing them in my kitchen. So Leslie somehow read my mind! My first violet in this house! 

Tuesday, July 1, 2025

Tuesday, July 1, 2025 --- Mattie died 801 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It was Memorial Day weekend and we took Mattie to Dutch Wonderland. I learned about this theme park from moms at Mattie's preschool! They were absolutely correct..... it is a great park for preschool aged children. Mattie had a magical time at this park, and it was there that he experienced his first roller coaster ride. From that moment on..... Mattie was hooked on rollercoasters. On this we differed greatly as I do not like anything with fast motion, up and downs, and turns. But I loved photographing Mattie having a blast. It is a day etched always in my mind. 

Quote of the day: Resilience is very different than being numb. Resilience means you experience, you feel, you fail, you hurt. You fall. But, you keep going. ~ Yasmin Mogahed

Each morning, when I open my eyes, I see this view. This view may not mean much to you, but it means a lot to me. Every photo on the wall, came from my travels with my husband. Each captured a special moment in time, with natural beauty in each location we visited. These photos are reminders that...... this was our reality! This WAS our life together. 

When we moved into this house together in 2021, we literally repainted the whole interior of the house. I recall my husband and I put paint samples all over the walls until we found the color we loved, which was called Medici Ivory. We then selected these photos and hung them in our bedroom. The piece of furniture you see here also has a story. When I was living in Boston and going to graduate school for my Master's in Biology (I was in my twenties), I lived in an apartment. I needed furniture! My in-laws gave me a ton of things to furnish my apartment and this piece was ONE of them. My father-in-law found this piece on the side of the road. One of his neighbor's was giving it away. He literally put this piece on top of his car, and it made it to my apartment. I have had this piece since 1991! 

With regards to all my photos, I remember one blog reader telling me months ago, that the blog has highlighted our DAILY life together since Mattie was diagnosed with cancer in July of 2008. Each blog posting highlighted our journey, our teamwork, and the special bond I had with my husband. As my blog reader said..... the photos speak for themselves! INDEED they do!

The other thing I see each morning when I open my blinds is this glorious butterfly bush. We planted this bush in the front yard. I am a BIG butterfly fan! If you look closely at this photo you will see at least six to seven monarch butterflies hanging about this bush! 

The other day, the article, entitled, If you’ve ever cried while listening to music alone, psychology says you likely have these 8 emotional traits, popped up on my phone. No surprise, since I am always talking about songs on this blog and how they speak to me. I am not a big crier! Fortunately, because if I was, I most likely would be sitting in a corner, balled up and crying most days. But music is one thing that has a way of cracking my armor, and in so many ways, I feel that some songs just speak to my feelings of hurt, disillusionment, commitment, faith, and love. 

Are you like me? Do you hear a song and it moves you to tears? Does music make you pause, do the lyrics affect you emotionally, and does music get you to stop in your tracks? If any of this resonates with you, then apparently we may share these eight traits..........................

1. Empathy Runs Deep
2. You're no stranger to introspection
3. Sensitivity to beauty and aesthetics
4. Emotional openness is your norm
5. Strong connection to past experiences
6. You have a penchant for solitude
7. You value emotional expression
8. You're a deeply feeling individual

As this article mentions, "this strong connection to past experiences is more than just nostalgia. It’s about your ability to feel deeply and remember vividly. It’s about the richness of your emotional tapestry and the depth of your life experiences." I would say that throughout my life I am very aware of the fact that I feel things more deeply, observe and absorb other people's feelings and emotions, and my mind makes a memory of these exact feelings. In fact, how I remember places, restaurants, and people is not necessary by the factual information, but more about the EMOTIONAL response I have from these connections or experiences. My mind is filled with a database of countless feelings! Which may explain why getting divorced from a person I trusted and loved, is crushing. Not only crushing, but has rocked my foundation to the core. 

Monday, June 30, 2025

Monday, June 30, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. That day we went over to a friend's house and Mattie wanted to swing. Naturally given his condition, he was unable to sit on a swing himself and pump his legs. So I had him sit on top of me and we swung together.  I remember that day vividly. It is hard to believe that three months later, Mattie died.  

Quote of the day: No matter how bleak or menacing a situation may appear, it does not entirely own us. It can’t take away our freedom to respond, our power to take action. ~ Ryder Carroll

This morning my dad was VERY focused on locating MORE toothpaste tubes. He literally tore through every drawer in the bathroom and closet to find MORE tubes. Despite my best efforts to help him track his bathroom routine with a checklist, he still brushes his teeth four to six times a day. My dad gets up throughout the night to use the bathroom, and each time he gets up, it is like, his brain hits the restart button. He thinks it is morning, and therefore brushes his teeth, shaves, and weighs himself. So even if he checks off that he did each item on the list for that day, he will still repeatedly do each task. My dad can go through an entire large tube of toothpaste in one week. I literally just brought three large tubes, three weeks ago and they are now all GONE. 

Each morning over the last month, I have tried to tell my dad that he is using too much toothpaste and needs to follow his check list. Forget it. He can't track that whatsoever. This morning, I was at my wit's end. So I explained to my dad that like his mouthwash, I will now portion out his toothpaste per day! HE DID NOT LIKE THAT IDEA AT ALL. He wants control over the toothpaste. I explained this rationally to him and he couldn't understand. Just like parenting a child, sometimes you have to make the tough decisions because you know what is best for the situation. Therefore, I removed all the toothpaste tubes from his per view and portioned out the toothpaste. 

Fast forward to tonight at dinner. Keep in mind my dad can't remember one minute to the next. In fact, he couldn't tell us one thing he did at his memory care program today. But guess what came up at dinner?! YES the toothpaste. He said he was confused WHY he can't find more toothpaste upstairs. So again, I tried to explain it to him. This time, he reacted in a hostile manner. He moved his chair away from the dinner table, grabbed his walker, and was headed to the staircase. He wanted to walk upstairs and again go rummaging through the drawers to find MORE toothpaste. I told him this wasn't the time, we were eating dinner (something I spent two hours preparing), and he can't negotiate the stairs safely alone. So instead, he decided to sit in the living room, pouting, not unlike a child. 

Most times I can manage these ridiculous requests and outbursts, but today wasn't such a day. I then got up from the dinner table, went upstairs and pulled out a tube of toothpaste and put it on his bathroom counter. I then went downstairs and told him he now has control of the toothpaste and that we weren't going to discuss this anymore while I was trying to eat. Of course, that didn't happen, because my mom and my dad couldn't let it go! Internally I said to myself....  I am not going to fight this battle. If I have to waste money on buying toothpaste, that is what I am going to do. As I can't take his perseveration on toothpaste. 

Back to this morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom to our local social security office. Thankfully we have an office not far from our home. I recently learned that my mom's birth date that is on file at the office is incorrect. So I had to make an appointment to take her in with her official birth certificate. Today's experience was incredibly efficient and the woman we worked with was an absolute peach. Kind, professional, and very understanding. Her mom was around my mom's age, but unfortunately her mom had died years ago. Though I did not come into the office with a completed application, she patiently waited while I filled it out for my mom. If you think that one person can't make a difference to one's day, then you'd be wrong. This woman restored my faith in the system and in humanity. Because truthfully she could have sent us away, since I did not have the completed application in hand. But she didn't! She seemed to understand intuitively that scheduling things and making an appointment gets more challenging when you are close to 90 years old! 

By 2:30pm, I felt so wiped out and exhausted. I told my mom I had to go home to close my eyes for thirty minutes before picking up my dad. Though I tried to rest, my mom kept talking to me the whole time. So note to self, if I want to rest, I have to go to my bedroom and close the door. These are my days, but while I manage through hour by hour, I ALWAY have a running melody going inside my head. The melody isn't pretty, it isn't something you can hum. Instead, it is a running and repeating record within my brain, that is trying to make sense over what has happened to my life and my marriage. 

Sunday, June 29, 2025

Sunday, June 29, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in the Spring of 2006. Mattie was four years old and by that point he was truly thriving. He loved his school, made solid friendships, had amazing teachers, and the community became a place where I was destined to make life long friendships. It is hard to believe that Mattie and his preschool no longer exist. Since I was taking this photo, it means that it was my day to assist the teachers in the classroom. Since the school was a co-op, parents were required to assist monthly. I certainly welcomed being in the classroom because I wanted to understand what Mattie was learning, see Mattie in action, and get to know all his classmates. 

Quote of the day: Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ~ William Shakespeare

I did my usual Sunday routine and took my parents out for brunch. When I got home, I immediately headed for the garden. Yes it was over 90 degrees outside and very humid. That did not stop me. The mosquitoes and gnats are awful, and though I hate wearing it, the OFF bug spray came out. Otherwise, I am eaten alive. I haven't found anything else that works as effectively in the garden. Weeding for me is like trying to hold back the ocean. Mainly because whatever I do today, by next week, the weeds will be right back. Most people around me let their weeds grow, but for me it is therapeutic to be outside, pulling weeds, and trying to make things look beautiful. 

I think working in my garden and beautifying my surroundings are about the only things I have control over in my life. I can't control my parent's decline, I can't control my husband's choices, and I couldn't control Mattie's diagnosis and death. It is a very sobering reality to know that we have no control over the things in our lives that matter the most. Accepting that reality is hard and while the world is spinning around me, people are living what I deem more normal and happier lives, I am faced with trying to figure how to carry on each day. This feeling is not new to me, because when Mattie died, his death was so profound. My life literally stopped. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. My foundation was shaken to the core and I guess I expected the rest of the world to feel this same sadness with me. But that isn't how grief and trauma work. These events can certainly impact a community, but at the end of the day, the person most affected is the individual who suffered the loss of trauma. That is also a sobering reality, or at least my reality. 

Saturday, June 28, 2025

Saturday, June 28, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. This was right after Mattie's sternotomy, which removed 7 tumors from his lungs. Two of his HEM/ONC nurses were in the room with us, his day nurse (left, Sarah Marshall) and his night nurse (right, Ellen). Ironically, Ellen was the nurse who administered Mattie's first dosage of chemotherapy (August 2008) and Sarah Marshall was the nurse who was with us the night that Mattie died (September 8, 2009). Which I assure you was one of the worst horror scenes you could imagine. I think that the way Mattie died caused Sarah Marshall to switch from being a HEM/ONC nurse to a pediatric intensive care nurse. I snapped this photo because Mattie's nurses loved him and when you wonder WHO is actually providing the direct minute to minute care in a hospital, think NURSE! 

Quote of the day: He who throws away a friend is as bad as he who throws away his life. ~ Sophocles

This morning, while my dad was with his physical therapist, I sat outside on the porch. I made it sitting still for about 15 minutes. It is wonderful to see all this greenery, to see the hummingbirds coming by, and to hear the fountain going. Steve (who helps me with all things outside of the house) fixed my fountain this spring and he put a pump in the fountain that makes a beautiful cascading sound! When you want to know what my therapy is..... it is being outside and in my garden. 

For the last two weeks, I have been working on painting the off white portion of our side porch. Eventually I need to get this professionally redone, as a lot of the wood has rotted, but for now, I did not want to see the mess, so I painted right over it. It won't solve the problem of course, but it sure looks a whole lot better. I eventually have to get to painting the brown steps, but I did not have it in me today, as it was hot, humid, and buggy! 

My Father's Day lilies finally popped. I nicked them Father's Day lilies, because they usually open up near Father's Day. When we moved to Washington, DC in 1994, we bought a bunch of lilies at Home Depot. This is one of the remaining lilies from all those years ago! When we moved, we brought the lilies with us. 

When I sit on the porch, paint anything, or gaze at these Father's Day lilies, I can't help but think of my husband. When you have spent decades with a person, your memories are their memories and their memories of your memories. Therefore, it is impossible to forget, to sever, or to erase all these everyday moments we shared.