Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. We were home from the hospital and remember by that point we knew Mattie was dying. Mattie and I were sitting on the couch together. Mattie refused photographs, so you can see he put his leg over his head. That meant...... DO NOT take a photo! The black case next to my shoulder was Mattie's portal oxygen and in my hand was some sort of electronic device that I was holding to try to engage Mattie. Do not ask me why I was smiling and laughing. I have NO IDEA, because there wasn't much to laugh about. But what I do remember like it was yesterday is that when faced with a life threatening crisis, you learn to live IN THAT MOMENT. It takes mindfulness to a GRAND LEVEL. You don't focus on later in the day, you don't focus on tomorrow, much less next week. All you can grapple with is living in the moment. Though it was one of the worst and more horrific times in my life, it was also the most freeing. Because what I focused on solely was what and who was in front of me.
Quote of the day: One thing's for sure, everyone has something. Not everyone has a giant scar or a missing limb to show for it, but it's there. The indelible mark of that thing. It's that thing that will not just go away quietly. That thing you resent because it can't let one day go by without making you think about it no matter how hard you try, until you end up depressed/angry/drunk/isolated (at best), disassociated (middle) or utterly self-destructive (at worst). It's that thing that went and branded you without your permission. ~ Anne Clendening
This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I came home and joined a conference call. Mattie Miracle hosts research innovation grants at two different professional organizations. Today's call was designed for me to meet the research committee associated with one of the organizations and vote on applications to approve Mattie Miracle grants. I was so impressed with this research committee. I got to know a little about each of the members, and I got to personally introduce them to Mattie Miracle. One of the committee members is a healthcare professional in China. The touching part was she told the committee that she attended a conference a while ago in Washington, DC and it was at that conference she heard me speak and tell our childhood cancer story. She said it has always made a big impression on her. I can't tell you how much that feedback meant to me. What it also meant is that Mattie's life has crossed the Pacific Ocean and is known in China. Which is music to a bereaved mom's ears.
While driving in the car today, I got a call from my home owner's insurance company, to discuss the renovation. I have been assigned to a fellow who is very clear, professional, and competent. He understands that I am waiting for the final estimate from our contractor, but I gave him a feeling for what the scope of the work would cost and entail, and it sounds like the insurance adjustor and I are on the same page. I told him how impressed I have been with his company! If you recall, I called this company on August 6th at 10pm, because this was the time of day where I could have a meaningful conversation. I will never forget Tanya, the agent who assisted me! If you would have told me in 2023, before my husband left me, that I would be managing a household, keeping a household budget, paying bills, doing taxes, working with a divorce lawyer, dealing with car maintenance, managing all the trades that service our house and now add to it communicating with an insurance company, I would have LAUGHED! Laughed because these are not things I ever did independently. But when you are desperate, pressured, and you have older adults who rely on you..... you rise to the occasion, you figure it out, and in the process I have learned that many people in my life were wrong.... I am capable to balancing a budget, I am actually very organized and can juggle a thousand things in any given day, and let's not forget that I am also caregiving around the clock. There is no time to wallow or have a pity party, because there are too many crises in any given day.
This evening my cell phone rang. It was my in-laws. We text message multiple times a week, share photos, and relive memories together. They wanted to wish my parents a happy anniversary. I believe as our parents age, it is vital to check in and keep track of how things are doing. As a fellow at my car dealership said to me recently...... you only get one set of parents. I couldn't agree more! Though I do not live in the same state as my in-laws, thanks to technology, I can stay connected. I read all their medical results and try to provide insights and feedback. It is cute, as I am considered the unofficial medical doctor in the family. The thing is I have either had a medical issue or helped someone with a medical issue, so you would be amazed what I have learned through experience. My in-laws have been involved in my life for 37 years. It is a long time, and during that time, they have seen me grow from a teenager to who I am today. Could they have walked away from me once my husband insisted on a divorce? Certainly, but they did not. They did not because they know I am devastated, they value me as their daughter-in-law, and they are devastated for me.
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