Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old and we were playing Candy Land together. This was a game I played as a child and I knew Mattie would enjoy it too. Naturally we could have played this on a table, but Mattie preferred working on the floor. If you pay close attention to the background, you will see a cardboard box creation of Mattie's! This was life with Mattie... filled with adventure, creativity, and collections of all kinds.
Quote of the day: We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others. ~ The Dalai Lama
My dad had his physical therapy appointment this morning. While he was working with his therapist, I started to focus my attention on the Foundation's Walk. I have a lot of work to do to revamp the event website and get it up and operational within the next few weeks. Overall, I would say weekends are much harder for me than the weekdays. This is a feeling I am VERY accustomed to, as I lived with this kind of discomfort after Mattie died. When raising a child, your weekends are consumed by them! Which is actually a blessing! Living the world through a child's eyes is probably one of the best things I have ever experienced. Everything for a young child is magical, it is exciting, and they are so inquisitive about the world around them. This energy is infectious! It is one of the many things I miss about Mattie. When Mattie died, the school and community connections we had ended, they died. The result of Mattie's death, felt like I was dropped on a desert island without a compass.
I would say caregiving in general produces a certain level of isolation. It isn't a job that everyone can take on because it is all encompassing and the priorities become that of the people you are caring about. There is little to no time for self discovery or self care. But what I know about caregiving is it doesn't last forever, and at the end of the day after years of devotion and service, you are then forced to face another adversity.... great loss. Because the person or people you have cared for, have died. Truly I can only focus on one emotional issue at a time. So I am not even thinking about life without my parents. Overall however, the weekends have less structure. In fact, as the day went on today, a feeling came over me. It was like a pervasive feeling of loneliness and a feeling of uncertainty knowing that I am the only fully functioning person in my house.
When this feeling flooded me, I got up, folded the laundry and then got my parents ready to go out. Every Saturday we visit our local diner. We know everyone in the diner and one of the servers we have gotten to know well is Jason. Jason is my age, married, and has two children. He takes excellent care of my parents and in fact, Jason helps me lift my dad from his chair, holds doors for us, and knows exactly what each of my parents likes! Today we got into a discussion with Jason about "time transport." NO we are not talking about science fiction, but time transport for him means sharing of memories. Sharing memories usually takes us back in time, and yet as we are sharing these past memories, we are connecting with people in our lives today. Meaning, by sharing memories with others, we are taking them back in time with us, and of course the beauty of sharing these memories, is that others can help us carry these memories forward. As Jason was talking, I couldn't help but immediately think about the blog.
Mattie's blog is the ultimate TIME TRANSPORT. As I am sharing my past with all of you on a daily basis for 16 years! From my writings and reflections, I have brought Mattie to life for so many of you who never met him. It means so much that my stories resonate with you, and in turn things that meant something to Mattie (the moon, Legos, cardboard boxes, sunflowers, acorns, seashells, etc) now mean something to you. This kind to time transport could never happen without my writing, without recording our lives together, and without giving Mattie's life and legacy a VOICE.
Talking about time transport, while in the diner, they played Elvis Presley's song, Can't Help Falling in Love. You want to know where this song took my mind? Right to Florida. Years ago, my dad's brother lived in Florida. When we would visit him, I was a teenager. My uncle was into listening to records at all hours of the day. Literally I would wake up to Doris Day, Elvis Presley, and Patsy Cline music! Blaring through out the house. Being a teenager, I did not appreciate the beauty of this music. Instead, I thought I had walked into a time machine, as my uncle in many ways lived in a bygone era! Yet when I hear this vintage music now, I remember these moment in time, and feel connected to my uncle and the time in my life when my core family members were healthy, intact, and life seemed so much easier, kinder, and simple to me. May we all celebrate the ability to do time transport and to share these memories with others. Because in sharing of lives, we connect with others, and at the end of the day, what truly matters in life are these connections.
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