Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old. You will notice that he was standing in a flower pot. We bid on that flower pot at Mattie's preschool auction. We won it and when Mattie saw it, he was excited that it belonged to us. With regard to the balloon, Mattie got that balloon at the grocery store that day (this particular store used to give out balloons and cookies to kids who were shopping with their families). In fact, Mattie loved going to that store just for that reason. Any case, when Mattie stepped into the flower pot with his balloon, I thought it was worthy of a photo! But what this photo tells me was Mattie really loved his preschool and was happy to have a part of something created at the school in his home.
Quote of the day: You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. ~ Dr. Seuss
This photo was taken four years after Mattie died (2013). Every room in our home looked like a warehouse. Why? When Mattie had cancer, each and every day he received gifts and items from friends, family, our care community, and the hospital. We rarely were home, but when he did return there between chemotherapy and surgeries, we would dump what we received all over our house. When I say dumped, I literally mean dumped. Things were put in piles, all around the perimeter of every room. It was an overwhelming sight and yet at the same time I couldn't get myself to clean any of it or touch it. These items all seemed like they represented Mattie. Throwing anything out, meant losing another piece of Mattie.
Naturally I was grateful to receive all these gifts and items for Mattie. As they made his living hell, much more manageable. But I point this chaos out to you, because Mattie dying had implications in all aspects of my life. Including our physical home.
A close up on one of the piles. If you have ever seen the TV show Hoarders, I would say if you walked into our home after Mattie died, you would think I was a hoarder. The only difference is at the core, I am a very neat and organized person. So I suppose it was a matter of time, until all of this chaos got to me. But when I tell you I lived in piles like this for years, I am not kidding. What this hoarding illustrated was the massive trauma I was facing and trying to cope with each day.
For years, being around Mattie's things kept him alive for me. I was very influenced and connected to all objects, toys, and clothes. I would also say that hoarding kept me safe from dealing with the outside world. I did not have anyone over and all these things helped me put up walls and boundaries. It kept me safe and it kept Mattie's presence locked into our home.
Then four years after Mattie's death, I said to myself..... I can't see any of Mattie's creations, I can't see his art work, and somehow all these piles did not do Mattie's memory justice. So I started organizing and cleaning out. NOT for myself, but for Mattie!
Literally for weeks, I had piles going of things that were getting donated. Once I started, the process seemed to unfold, and the donating got easier. However, to this day, there are things of Mattie's that I have, that will NOT be removed from my possession. Unfortunately things are all I have left, along with a steel trap memory (thank goodness) of our life together.
Get the gist of the many piles I donated. Literally the donations went on for weeks. It was a very hard thing to undertake. Now 16 years later, I am once again faced with a cleaning out and packing up of things from my married life. Not because I want to, but because I have to, as these items do not belong to me. I never viewed items as mine or his..... to me, everything we had was ours. So in addition to having to say good-bye to things, I have to say good-bye to what all these items meant in my life.
After Mattie died, my main goal was to try to survive. Not to jump out the window, not to overdose on medication, and to take a shower and eat. That may sound ridiculous or basic, but that was as good as it got for a while. Therefore, being concerned about my physical space was not high on my list.
Bit by bit, day by day, I went through clothes, toys, gifts, and every item. Some were donated, some things thrown out, and important things kept and either stored or displayed. It was at that point that I transformed Mattie's bedroom into Mattie Miracle's office, and Mattie's legacy started to bloom.
Maybe it is because I have faced numerous traumas and losses, but I get attached to people and things. When any thing or one I have connected to for years becomes severed from my life, it is an unbearable feeling. Yet here I am once again, facing the impossible.
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