Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old and that day he was invited to a birthday party. Mattie's cousins were present and he enjoyed the time being part of the fun and took cues from his cousins, who were slightly older than him. Going to parties with Mattie always made me laugh, because while the other kids couldn't wait to eat the cake or cupcakes, that was Mattie's least favorite part of the event! It was quite typical for Mattie to get cake and then hand it over to me, because Mattie knew I loved all those treats! We were a great pair together, we were alike emotionally and we complemented each other well. So it is no surprise that when Mattie died, a part of me died too.
Quote of the day: You happened, and absence never felt so real. ~ Perry Poetry
My grandmother's husband died of colon cancer when she was 55 years old. Back then health insurance was a rarity and so my grandmother had numerous medical bills to pay, a house with a mortgage, and she lived in the suburbs without a driver's license. Which was why my parents, who were newly weds themselves, moved into my grandmother's house to support her through the grieving process. Years later when I was born, I did not know any different.... I assumed all kids grew up in a multi-generational household. My grandmother was like a second mother to me and as I got older, I always heard that I changed my grandmother's life around. Meaning, she was devastated to lose her husband, but I gave her a new lease on life. Of course as a teenager, that really did not mean much to me.... NOW I get it wholeheartedly! My grandmother was a survivor.... as she lost her second child to sudden infant death and she lost her husband at a young age. All facts that were lost on me as a child, if my grandmother were alive now, I have no doubt she would have great insights for me about Mattie's death and my divorce.
Well, I gave my grandmother this sweater as a Christmas present when I was a teenager. While in high school, I worked over the December holidays at a store called The Limited. As you can imagine stores always looked for extra help over the holidays and though I had no working experience prior to that (other than babysitting), I was hired. I think the store figured I would do the bear minimum and I imagine they did not have high expectations for me. Every new employee was required to work all the different jobs within the store. However, that never happened for me, because the store quickly learned that I was good at sales. Why? Because I engaged customers, I got to know them, what they were looking for, who they were buying for, and literally I would put ensembles together for customers that they would sell! Some customers would just like what I was wearing that day, and asked me to find those exact items within the store. My point to this is, I did such a good job, that I got a big bonus. With the bonus money, I took it and purchased this sweater. A sweater that became a favorite of my grandmother's! When my grandmother died, I kept this sweater! So though to the average person, this looks like a nice sweater, this sweater has history, it is surrounded by hard work and meaning, and most of all it is a tribute to the love between me and my grandmother.
Each person who asked me about this sweater this weekend, heard the story I am telling you, and they were deeply touched. But perhaps this story also gives you further insight into me. I get attached to people, they become an integral part of my life, and when I lose someone (for whatever the reason) it is devastating. My grandmother has been gone 32 years, but her legacy lives on through me, as it is from her that I learned the art of cooking, cleaning, organizing, and most importantly caregiving! Anyone and everyone LOVED my grandmother. She was a sweet, kind, and loving soul, who I wish had the opportunity to get to know my Mattie. Though they did not meet each other on this earth, it is my hope that they found each other in heaven. I remember right after Mattie died, I worried.... who would be caring for him now? He needed his mom, he was only 7! That may not sound rational, but nothing about grieving is rational! Then I thought about my grandmother and I convinced myself, she would find Mattie and would look out for him in my absence. Amazing how one sweater could trigger SO MANY memories!
