Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. Mattie was five years old and was posing in front of his bedroom door. Mattie created a paper cutout of himself in preschool, and he was very proud of this creation and taped it to his door. He added ribbon streamers, and his name. Notice next to his name is the symbol of a magnet. Because in his second preschool class at RCC, Mattie became "Mattie Magnet." The year prior he was "Mattie Moon." I find it ironic how appropriate both symbols were for Mattie.
Poem of the day: Going Home
Go rest now precious one,
Your life in eternity has just begun.
Now you can walk, your legs are brand new.
All of heaven is now in your view.
Look all around, it's all in your sight,
There will never be another dark night.
Flowers and jewels, the street of pure gold,
and all of the things that have been told.
I can just imagine the smile on your face
as you walk all around in that beautiful place.
Greeting our loved ones as you walk along,
while singing heaven's most beautiful song.
This is so very hard, but it will all be okay,
it isn't goodbye, we'll see you one day.
We love you and we'll miss you and at times it will be tough,
but as with everything, God's grace will be enough.
Peter went to visit a friend who is in the hospital. Peter and I know how difficult hospital living can be, and sometimes having a visitor can break the monotony and isolation of the days. I spent part of the afternoon with Ann and her family, and even got a chance to see Mary, Ann's mom, for a bit. However, tonight, Peter and I went out to dinner and a movie with Ann and Bob. I think Ann's is trying hard to get us out and doing something that is "normal." I certainly appreciate her daily efforts, which go without saying.
It was a good distraction for Peter and I to get out and focus on other things. However, despite attempting to do "normal" things, we no longer do or look at anything with the same lens. Experiencing cancer and Mattie's death has permanently changed us, and therefore for me the ordinary or the "normal" has now become the extraordinary. Certainly as we age, mature, and grow, we hopefully take our life experiences into everything we do. These experiences can help us understand and interpret what we are hearing, seeing, and feeling. This is exactly how I felt about tonight's movie. We went to see "Up in the air," starring George Clooney. I am a tough movie goer to please, and usually land up having to talk about a movie after seeing it to process my thoughts and feelings about it. This can either be greeted by others with enthusiasm or annoyance.
When I got home, I told my lifetime friend, Karen, what movie I saw. She asked me how it was, and I told her I liked it. But others may view it as depressing. Her response to me was her mom knew I would like it, and that I would GET IT! Indeed, I got it all too well. I felt this movie spoke to me. Sure there were parts of the movie that made no sense and weren't realistic, after all it was created in Hollywood. It we want complete realism, we aren't going to find it there. But aspects of the movie were very meaningful. Of course being a George Clooney fan helps, which I am. In a nutshell, George Clooney plays a character who spends more time flying in the air, commuting from one city to the next than in his own home, firing people from their jobs. He is contracted out to do this for various companies, and he has perfected his script and his reactions to people hearing this devastating news. He has NO personal ties to anyone, and doesn't see the need to have them. He is estranged from his sisters, and has never been married or in a serious relationship. To him these ties are baggage, that need to be removed from one's life because they just complicate matters. He makes a transformation midway in the movie, which to me wasn't realistic. But there were messages in the movie that caught my attention. One of the characters in the movie asks George Clooney, "What is the point?" Meaning what is the point of life? Why become close to and love others in our life, when in the end we are all going to die? Of course throughout the movie we are also seeing the aftermath left from George Clooney's path, after he fired people. Most of the victims had worked for their place of employment for years. They have known no other occupational life, and the prospect of being fired seems absolutely life altering. In fact, one woman completes the act of suicide (we hear about it in passing) after being fired. Though being fired from a job is not the same thing as losing a child, it is a loss. It is a twist and unexpected path in life's road that one wasn't planning for. It is a loss with real consequences both financially and emotionally, and though I have never been fired, I felt I could relate to the reactions presented in the movie. Absolute shock, anger, and depression over hearing the news. How to pick up the pieces of your life, when everything you thought or expected life to be is no longer? An excellent question which I ask myself daily.
George Clooney in the movie also was a motivational speaker, and was hired by various companies to deliver his presentation at various conferences. He brings a backpack to every presentation to illustrate a point. The point was to get his audience to visualize the baggage we carry around with us each day. His goal was to help people lighten their loads, and redirect their priorities. The backpack analogy also rang home for me. Within my imaginary backpack I carry the weight of cancer, the 15 months of watching Mattie suffer through treatment, the havoc and chaos of our lives in a PICU, and then the ultimate weight, of Mattie's death. These are NOT weights that are easy to get rid of in one's life, memory, or spirit. But this visual exercise makes me understand why I feel SO tired, sad, depressed, and unable to see passed today. Acknowledging that these weights exist do help me process and accept the feelings that I have and must contend with. I have no idea in all reality anymore what the point is in life. People have asked this existential question for centuries, it is certainly not novel to this movie, but one thing I do agree with wholeheartedly as was expressed in this movie, is that going through life and going through a crisis are nearly impossible to do alone. We are social beings, that aspect of us is universal, and Mattie's illness is the perfect illustration of the power and beauty that can result from the support and love from others. Without a doubt I rather have not experienced this gigantic loss, but I can't imagine experiencing this loss in isolation. In all reality, many of us live our lives "up in the air," with uncertainty, challenges, and questions. But ultimately what grounds us, what makes us whole are the people we allow into our lives. Others give our lives purpose, meaning, and at times carry us along when we are unable to do this for ourselves. Perhaps in our very independent society admitting such a reality is not appreciated or is scary, but having had my life turned upside down, gives me the proper perspective on the importance of others in our lives.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am glad you are out and about and feeling better physically. It was nice to hear about the skating party and how well the girls did with their performance. You are right, just like dancing, there are two separate aspects to performance; one is about technical performance and the other about emotion. When they are combined well you have some amazing and memorable performances even by young children. It was very nice of you and Peter to help out another family by babysitting their children; you are right that Mattie taught you how to be a good mom (I think you had the skills all along but he certainly helped to bring them out), just as you have the skills to be a wonderful teacher and mentor. I hope you continue on the path to better health and I will keep you in my prayers."
The second message is from one of Linda's childife interns. Meg became a close buddy of Mattie's, and she was his racing partner around the PICU! Mattie related to Meg very well, and she became a vital person in our daily lives at Georgetown. Meg wrote, "I know it has been so long since I have emailed you and I cannot apologize enough. I have thought about emailing you daily but I just can't seem to find the words or the right thing to say. Nevertheless, I have dug myself into quite a hole as time continues to stretch by. In true New Years Eve fashion I have unintentionally spent my day in reflection of the last year. I am pleasantly surprised to have so many memories of Mattie and you. This time last year I was scared as I prepared for my move to DC. I never thought about the adventure this decision would lead me down. It wasn't long after I started at Georgetown when I met Mattie. I remember he didn't really want anything to do with me, but I was determined to make him my friend. And I am grateful for that everyday. It is important for me to tell you that even though I haven't emailed or spoken to you, a day has not passed when you have been out of my thoughts. I read the blog religiously, and some days I have trouble reading the pain you are going through. I have so much trouble wrapping my head around it that I feel silly even trying to sympathize or empathize. I think that it is very easy for me to go through my days living down here and just pretending that Mattie is great and is still at home with you and Peter. Then, I lay my head down on my bed, look on my bookshelf and see "Super Mattie", the book, and it hits me like a ton of bricks that your perfect, charismatic little man isn't here. All I can think is "How can this be"??! I just don't understand it. I hurt so bad for you Vicki. However, I cannot forget all the wonderful times I got to have with Mattie. I have pictures of our races on my screen saver as a daily reminder of the strong boy that he was. It is his strength, courage and heart that I aspire to have. I count my blessings everyday, especially that I had the chance to meet you, Peter, and your precious boy. Mattie left a piece of himself in everyone he met, he left his legacy. I don't doubt that he is so proud of both of you for continuing to fight for him and all the children who suffer from that harrowing disease. I know this email was long winded, and mainly centered around myself (and I apologize). I have just had a lot on my heart lately when it comes to you. I have truly been changed by my encounters with Mattie. I am actually kind of scared to take a Child Life position because I can't decide if it would be a betrayal to Mattie or if I will meet another child who touches my heart and I come to love. However, I suppose that is part of the job. I don't know how Linda does it. I cannot thank you enough for allowing me to take part in a small portion of Mattie's care. It has truly changed me. His smile is imprinted on my heart forever. You and Peter are always in my thoughts and will forever be in my heart, alongside Mattie."
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