Tonight's picture was taken when Mattie was 7 months old. Peter had just come home from work, and was greeted by Mattie and Patches (our cat) by the door. I snapped this picture of the three of them, because it seemed like a teachable moment. Peter was showing Mattie how to pet and care for Patches. Mattie was a holy terror with Patches, particularly in his toddler years. He would chase her, pull her tail, and scare her. Despite the poor treatment Patches received, she put up with Mattie, and NEVER ever tried to hurt him. She probably knew that if she did, there would be consequences. As Mattie aged, and after countless lessons, he finally treated Patches with respect and love. He was actually very protective of her and if friends of his came to visit and tried to scare Patches, he would give them a talking to. Though Patches now is very sick, and most people would probably have put her to sleep because of her behaviors, I tolerate her extremes. Why? Most likely because I will never forget what she put up with for years from Mattie. Ironically Patches used to spend a great deal of time in Mattie's room when he was alive. Now that Mattie is gone, Patches refuses to spend any time in Mattie's room. I mention this because I think on some level she understands something is very wrong.
Poem of the day: I know by K and Lois
I know you worry, dream and pray
That I'm alright and happy.
God is making sure I am, he fusses over me.
I know you miss and love me
I feel the same for you.
God tells me that's alright, it's what loving people do.
I know you hope I knew them all,
The ones who met me here,
Grandmas, grandpas, aunts and uncles,
And friends who took my fear.
God joined them at the gate,
He cried and said he missed me,
Because you taught me of His love,
I hugged him back—He kissed me.
I know you know I love you,
Please don't be afraid.
I laugh, I giggle, run and hide
With all the friends I've made.
So when you worry if I'm safe
Please remember this,
God is taking care of me, I laugh, I love, I live.
I love you, Mom
I love you, Dad
I worry, watch and pray.
Please don't forget how much I need
you both to be OK.
I'm always watching over you,
I know how hard you try
And when we meet again
You'll know—with love we never die.
Tonight's poem, I know, stopped me in my tracks today. I think it affected me so, because I must admit I never thought of the possibility of Mattie looking down at me and wondering if Peter and I are okay. Or even the possibility that Mattie is seeking God's comfort as he tries to understand why Peter and I are so sad, angry, and depressed. Mattie's death has challenged my understanding of God and with that has made me question whether there is a heaven and an after life. Other families impacted by cancer have expressed many of the same doubts and concerns as me, and I do not think this is an unusual feeling, especially since everything I understood about the world and life came tumbling down when Mattie died. But after reading this poem, I pause, and wonder if Mattie is watching us and is upset by what he sees?
I have been reflecting on the fact that my blog is impacting several of my faithful readers. I have been pondering what to do about this, or even if there was something that should be done about this. When Mattie was fighting cancer, though I reported all the grueling details of our days and nights, I always tried to find something hopeful to cling to. Something to keep us, him, and our community going. I realize my current postings are unable to do this, mainly because when Mattie died, so did my hope. My hope for a cure, my hope to remain a mom, my hope that good conquers evil, and I could go on. So I realize my postings now may be hard to read, hard to sit with, and basically you may find you are questioning your own life, your existence, and that of your family's. I could apologize for this, but then again if I can get you to pause and open your hearts and minds to our grief, then I would say as an educator at heart, I am doing a good job. All I can say is the support you give me by checking the blog and staying with me through all this impacts me tremendously and it is my hope that in time if you stick with me during this tumultuous and painful process that perhaps you will see my desperate journey and progression to restore hope. Certainly if I can achieve this, this will be the ultimate illustration of resilience.
I spent the day with Ann. When Ann and I are together, it seems we can accomplish a lot in one day. While she was shopping at Target, I sat down and waited for her and had hot tea. In my current state, sitting still isn't always a good option for me, but I found this 20-30 minute break was very helpful. I sat and watched people, and electronically connected with my friends, Karen and Christine, and of course Peter. Christine's son and Mattie were close friends in kindergarten, and in the process, Christine and I spent a lot of time together and truly enjoyed each other's company. With Mattie gone, it can't help but affect how we both feel. As Christine always tells me though, we are friends always, and today's text messages back and forth brought me great happiness.
Ann and I visited her mom today, and then went out to lunch. While at lunch, we bumped into a SSSAS mom and team Mattie supporter. It was lovely to see Laurie, and to reconnect with her. Great progress is being made on Abigail's birthday party items, and I told Ann these projects keep me busy, focused, and feeling like I am producing something. But more importantly they make me feel connected to others and the world. Which isn't easy, it would be a lot easier to completely shut down.
I also had the opportunity to see Tanja and her daughter, Katharina, this afternoon. I haven't seen them since they went on their trip to Germany for Christmas. Katharina wrote me an e-mail while she was in Germany, and when she saw me today, she came over to give me a hug, and wanted to know what I thought of her e-mail. Though Katharina did not know Mattie long, I can see he made an impression on her.
Peter and I went out to dinner tonight and bumped into JP, the owner of JJ (our resident Jack Russell Terrier). JP is still devastated about Mattie's death, and he shared with us the story about how JJ knew Mattie died before he did. On September 7, JJ came to our front door looking for Mattie. Naturally Mattie was in the hospital. However, starting on September 8 (the day Mattie died), JJ refused food for three days straight. When JP took JJ to the vet, the vet said that JJ in his own way was grieving for Mattie. Prior to Mattie's death, if someone told me this story, I would question it. But now I think anything is possible. JJ and Mattie literally grew up together, and loved playing with each other. Animals can feel, okay they may not process things at our cognitive level, but they know or sense when something is wrong or missing.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote," It is a wonder after all you have been through that you can walk into a hospital without shaking. I am not surprised at your reaction while waiting for the sonogram; none of us like medical tests and after going through what you did with Mattie, I would have to say you were a "trooper." Liz summed up everyone's feelings, Mattie's death was senseless and unfair. There just are not enough words in English to really describe grief and loss and those we have somehow seem to fall far short. In spite of that, what you write touches people deeply, many readers now stop and say thanks for what they have and realize how fragile and precious it all is. Others of us are now more involved in "doing", volunteering or mentoring or some other action. So like the pebble, Mattie's life and your blog have had ripple effects far beyond that you could have imagined. I dedicate the energy of my practice to you; be gentle with yourself today."
The second message is from a friend of my sister-in-law's. Lesley lives in Boston, and actually attended Mattie's funeral. The funeral was the very first time I met Lesley. We did not know each other prior to Mattie's illness, yet Mattie's story compelled her to get to know us, and needless to say I was happy and honored to meet her at the funeral. Lesley wrote, "Today was the first day I woke up and did not go straight to the blog. Your pictures have haunted me because as I read your memories, the reality is that my own are not as vivid as I wish. Your pictures bring back the feelings of being a new mom and dad and believing in the future. Mattie was scrumptious, engaging, and adorable! The love within your family is so apparent in the photos. While I do not know the stories behind the photos, the images you captured say it all.... Mattie felt loved every moment of his life. I hope today brings you some moments of peace."
No comments:
Post a Comment