Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was 10 months old. Because Mattie wasn't a crawler, but desperately wanted to stand and walk, we tried every gadget and toy possible to encourage the activities he liked. As you can see the activity table in front of him was brand new. The box was behind him! However in typical Mattie style, the newness of the item was intimidating. So he looked at the table, but quickly turned back to Peter for help and comfort. Mattie spent a great deal of time at this musical table, but that was truly because Peter made it SO fun and appealing. Peter has that way about him, and in my mind, I can still recall what this activity table sounded like. I heard the SOUNDS that OFTEN! In many ways, I can look at my living room and dining room, and within each corner of these rooms, I can vividly recall aspects of Mattie's development. It all unfolded on our first floor, which may be why I don't spend much time down there.
Quote of the day: I ache… I can’t breathe… I’m drowning in tears. Their names aren’t supposed to be in granite. They are supposed to be on diploma’s from medical school, hanging on the wall in their offices. They aren’t supposed to be gone. ~ Brenda Adkins
If you think it is possible to recover and HEAL from the death of your child, then I would like you to pause and reflect on tonight's quote. How can I ever be okay knowing that Mattie died before me? But not just died, he died in a most hideous and painful manner! If that fact alone doesn't get you, then how about the fact that Mattie will never receive a diploma, he will never work in an office, he will never go to a school dance, have a girlfriend, get married, and so forth? Is living to age seven fair or enough? Some days seeing and hearing about the things that other children get to do, and what other parents get to observe and participate in, is hard to absorb and manage. Yet what choice do I have? In many ways, I am not sure what is harder having a child living and battling with cancer, or losing a child to cancer and having to face each and every day without him? Neither are great, but knowing what I do now, I would take the battle any day.
As Ann's birthday is fast approaching, one of the things she wanted to do was to go to the factory outlets in Virginia. So today was the day we planned this outing. However, in typical fashion, whenever we try to plan something, things have a way of going awry. When we finally got on the road, the fun did not end there. Naturally between the two of us we got lost. No surprise especially since we are directionally challenged. Nonetheless, we got there, and were quite efficient despite the fact that it was freezing and extremely windy out! I went on ahead of Ann to each store, and seemed to chat with each salesperson in the store before Ann entered the store. That seemed to be the joke of the day.... that in a matter of minutes, I can know a person's life story. To me this is such a natural occurrence, that I don't pay attention to it. Well that is until Ann brought it to my attention. Needless to say, we have a way of entertaining each other, without really trying.
As we were driving back home this afternoon, I couldn't help but look at the Leesburg, VA countryside all around us. It is quite different from where I live in the city, and what caught my attention were the hundreds of Canadian geese throughout the landscape. In many ways they looked like polka dots along the fresh fallen white snow. Geese make the winters bearable to me. They are remarkable and loyal birds and I admire their understanding of the importance of teamwork in their flying V formations. Seeing geese, remind me of Mattie, and somehow I suppose it is my hope that as I see the geese, he is watching them with me.
Tonight Peter told me a story about Mattie's rubber duck that sits on our water dispenser in the kitchen. He told me the story as if it were a mystery to him, but to me it was NO mystery at all. It was a clear sign. This weekend, Peter went into the kitchen and found that Mattie's rubber duck was on the floor (it had moved or fallen from the water dispenser to the floor). So he picked it up, wondering how it got on the floor, and put it back on top of the dispenser. Tonight, he ventured back in the kitchen (after I had cleaned up in there, and everything was in PLACE), and low and behold the rubber duck was back on the floor. Before Mattie was even born, he was my little duckling. In fact, we decorated his nursery with ducks of all kinds. So to me, Mattie is trying to tell Peter something, through his rubber duck. After all, a rubber duck on the floor once is perhaps an accident, but twice in one week is ODD! If we only knew what the duck on the floor meant?! I am sure to the average reader it may sound like I have lost it, but natural occurrences and signs all mean things to me now. Perhaps for Peter and I it is our desperate attempt to feel a connection with Mattie.
1 comment:
Hey Vicki,
Your quote of the day sure described my feelings today..aching..can't breathe...drowning in tears..and they are SO not supposed to be gone.How could this happen?
As I read your anguished words telling the world of the indescribable pain that comes from the loss of a child, I hear my TV in the background, with the president of this country, telling us all how he is mourning the loss of the six people who were killed by a monster with a gun. All I can think is, why did he and the country not mourn the loss of the over SIXTY kids I knew personally, who were killed in the last three years, by a even more horrid and sadistic monster? What about Mattie, and Keaton, and Logan, and Cullen, and Jana, and Lindsey, and Nick, and Dan, and Jessica, and Sammie, and Brian,and Emma,and Paul, and Zoe, and so many others that would make this too long to post if I named them all!? Yes, the Tucson shootings were a tragedy, but where was the horror and empathy, when so many of our precious children were taken? If the country can come together over these six victims, and vow to make a difference, where is that same resolve to eliminate the monster in our midst who is killing our kids? Why does the world not get all worked up over this most horrendous and unfair crime of all...the ripping from our arms of our precious sons and daughters?
Sorry If I sound unsympathetic for the victims of the Tucson shooting..I do feel for their families, and know the little girl's parents are forever destroyed, but it just seems that the world outside of our "cancer land" is not aware at all of the unbelievable tragedy that is happening in this cruel land we were forced into.We need the president to break into the regular scheduled TV, and make a plea to the nation on behalf of the way too many children killed by this cancer monster every day.
By the way, Mattie was playing with his duck, of course, and he wanted to make sure you guys know he is still around.
Karen, Mother of Keaton for Always
www.caringbridge.org/visitkeatonlee
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