Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2002. Mattie was one month old. Back then, I had no idea if I was coming or going. I was recovering from a c-section, was dealing with post partum depression, and trying to learn how to care for a newborn. But as I always say.... Mattie was my life's greatest teacher! We learned to be in the world together, and I can't think of a better gift. Mattie was named, Matthew, because it translates into..... a gift from God. Mattie was a gift, but taken too soon.
Quote of the day: Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say ‘My heart is broken.’" ~ C.S. Lewis
CS Lewis was absolutely correct! People understand physical pain much better than they do mental ones. I had a full day of my usual tasks and things, but at 5pm, I was invited over to my neighbor's home. Mind you in order to attend this gathering, I had to take my parents out earlier and juggle things, just to get away for two hours.
Rarely do I socialize now. Why? For several reasons. First, my days and evenings are full with caregiving responsibilities, the house, and the Foundation. But second and most importantly, is that having consistency and staying focused on my day to day chores provides safety, comfort, and spares me the commentary, input, and insights that others may have about my situation. It is very easy to judge what I should do now, or how I should be, but quite another thing if you are the one who has been hurt, abandoned, and left feeling like I have been a burden all my married life. It is a lot of emotional baggage to live with, to be betrayed by the one person that meant the most of me in the world, and on top of that I have been left alone to manage a house and my parents.
After about two hours of socializing tonight, I had to remove myself. I could feel an overwhelming feeling coming over me. It is very hard for me to be around normal. Normal being happy families, people talking about vacations, and other life affirming events. I can no longer relate to these things. I certainly had trouble fitting in after Mattie died, but now, forget it. I am different and tonight was a stark reminder that I need to stay in my box, my bubble, in order to manage and cope.
One of my other neighbors was at this gathering, stayed behind while I was leaving. She basically told the others that they really have no idea what I endure each day. In fact, she said what Vicki is facing is impossible and unfair, and definitely not what she deserved. I will spare you the details of tonight's conversations, but I had to leave because I was feeling unstable. It was like my head was caught in a tornado, with thoughts and feelings whirling around in my head and becoming unimaginable and impossible to cope. Truly by the time I got home, I did not know how I was going to make it through another minute.
I headed upstairs and Indie followed me. As if she knew, something was wrong! After petting her, I returned downstairs, worked on thanking supporters for donating to Mattie Miracle and listened to Aija Kim's music (she is the wonderful piano player I have gotten to know from the hospital, where my mom used to take physical therapy sessions). I have now been home for two hours, and feel more stable. But I know this stability is fragile at best.
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