Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. Mattie was four years old. Where ever I was, Mattie wasn't far behind. I was working in the kitchen and Mattie brought in his tinker toys and was creating. Mattie was always building, creating, or doing something. He was the best multi-tasker I knew! He had a way of filling our home with energy, happiness, and joy. When Mattie died, he left an incredible hole in my day to day existence and of course forever changed my future.
Quote of the day: Grief I've learned is just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go. ~ Anonymous
This morning before waking my dad up, I got an email from my doctor about my test results. I went to see this doctor last week, a visit that I have put off for about two years. In any case, I could have ignored the email and opened it at another time, but I said NO! My health has to be factored into this daily grind and therefore, I might as well check out the message so it doesn't weigh on me all day. What I learned from Mattie is that a TEST RESULT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN AN INSTANT. Which is why nothing in my mind is ever routine. As soon as I opened the results, I could see my doctor's message to me that everything was negative. Negative may have bad connotations in all other contexts, but when you are awaiting test results, it is the most glorious word ever! After seeing "negative," I then sat for just a second and said THANK GOD. Because there is no way I could juggle a health crisis, caregiving, and doing all of this alone. So today's blessing, and truly any day that I am not sick, is my health. Of which I never take that for granted.
After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I met with our contractor. He came to talk with me about the bathroom remodel that will be underway in October. Here's the funny thing, I have gotten used to the big hole in my dining room ceiling and not having an extra bathroom upstairs. I actually just block all of this out, which maybe my coping mechanism for survival because I am still dealing with the saga of the leaking pool and a doorbell that doesn't work.
I was introduced to this contractor through my neighbor and I have already worked with him, as he fixed the portico that was rotted over my front door. I am definitely not looking forward to having extra people in the house, because what I juggle in any given day is hard. But I am mentally preparing for noise, debris, and whatever else this renovation brings. Today's visit was helpful, as I am narrowing down the products that I need to order.
Meanwhile, my mom is having flu like symptoms today from the flu shot she received yesterday. So I am concerned because any cough or congestion can trigger her more significant lung condition. When I asked myself today.... how much more can I take? I happened to look out the window at the same time and observed flying in mid-air one of our amazing hummingbirds. These creatures fascinate me, they make me pause, and of course I wonder...... Mattie did you send me this sign to let me know you are with me?
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