Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day we walked down to the National Mall to watch the Veteran's Day parade. This was the first and last time we ever experienced this parade together. Mattie typically did not like crowds or loud noises, but since it was so simple for us to walk a few blocks from our home to attend, I am glad we tried it with him. I experienced many wonderful adventures with my Mattie Brown!
Quote of the day: But not remembering him didn't stop me from missing him. I knew what it was like to have that absence in my life. ~ Leslie North
On Friday's my dad's visiting nurse comes to our home to assess his pressure sore. I have been dealing with this sore for weeks. As of next week, we are getting discharged from her services, because insurance deems he no longer needs to be followed medically. That maybe the case, but that doesn't mean his condition is cleared up and with my dad's skin, if I am not vigilant, this sore could easily reform. I truly wonder how other caregivers manage all this stuff alone. Fortunately I am no stranger to wound care, but to me it is simply frustrating. The system truly doesn't benefit the patient, and forget the caregiver. We are not even on the radar scope. Yet in all reality caregivers save health insurers LOTS of money with our unpaid services and devotion.
Later this morning my good friend came over to visit. She brought all sorts of baked breads, which is something she used to do for me when Mattie was in the hospital. For the most part, I keep everyone in my life at a distance. Not because I do not value them, I do, but being around people who have more normal lives than my own sets me off, and it reminds me tenfold how different my existence is.... whether it be childhood cancer, child loss, a painful divorce, facing life and a future single, and 24/7 caregiving. So while I used to see this particular friend weekly and get together with other friends on a regular basis, I see NO ONE NOW. To me this is the number one telltale sign of someone who is traumatized. You turn inward, because of the incredible need to self protect.
I haven't walked my neighborhood since Sunny died (January 2024). I just don't have the desire! I enjoyed my walks with Sunny and miss his daily. But my friend got me out today and frankly I wasn't sure I could walk or even keep up with her. I held my own and we walked 5 miles together. In my heyday with Sunny, this was a typical daily walk! After our walk, we took my mom out for tea together. When I arrived at Starbuck's the general manager greeted me and literally said.... you look wonderful today. He knows I am a caregiver and looks out for me and my mom. I attribute his comment to the fact that I got fresh air and exercised, and probably had color in my face from all that activity.
When I met with my doctor recently he asked me to go back to my walking routine. He is encouraging this not necessarily for my physical health, but for my mental health. He is aware of all the horrific things I have endured over the last few years and is concerned that all that has happened to me is getting bottled up inside, because I do not have the time to focus on myself or an outlet to channel all this anger, loss, and grief. Which is why he is telling me to walk. How do I feel after today's walk? Well I guess I will find out tomorrow, but at the moment, I can say that I still appreciate trees, greenery, and the natural beauty around me. All the wonderful things I learned to love while raising Mattie.
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