Thursday, December 25, 2025

Thursday, December 25, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. I brought Mattie to the hospital because he was running a fever and wasn't feeling well. Before being admitted to the hospital, he went through the outpatient clinic. At the clinic, Santa and Mrs. Claus were visiting the children. If you notice Mattie had a pillow in front of him. He was so exhausted and depleted that he was resting his head on that pillow. However, when Santa came into the room, Mattie tried his best to get his head up and to greet Santa, as well as check out all the gifts he brought! It was a magical moment, because despite how sick Mattie was, he had a spirit about him that cancer could not diminish!

Quote of the day: Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, but when you lose someone (or in my case, more than one), Christmas just doesn't feel the same. The grief you feel especially around Christmas can suck the joy right out of you. ~ Jamie A. Cirello

I can safely say that juggling my dad while hosting a dinner is close to impossible. While yesterday he was constipated, today, was the exact opposite. It started when I woke him up this morning. He was sleeping in a mess, that got all over him and the bed, and it followed him into the bathroom! I had a huge clean up job this morning! I would have loved to say that was it, but NOPE! I had to change my dad twice while having dinner. Truly when this happens, I want to just scream, because I can never eat a meal in peace. In fact, tonight as I write this, I don't know if my dinner will stay down! 

After a beautiful day, my dad remembers NONE of it! He doesn't remember company coming over, he doesn't remember eating, and instead is asking constantly when is dinner. So at 9:45pm, I feel like I am on overload. 

Pictured here:

Seated (left to right):

my mom, my friend Ilona (who also lost an only child to cancer), and my dad

Standing (left to right):

Gladys (visiting from Peru), Koseth, Cesar, Charlotte (my God Daughter), and Attila (Ilona's husband)

A photo of my plate.........

• Turkey 
• cranberry sauce
• ginger carrots
• beans with mint
• sweet potato souffle
• stuffing with apples and cherries

The spirit and colors of Christmas in the kitchen!

Cesar took a selfie of us!

Me with my God Daughter, Charlotte. Every visit, we take a photo in front of Mattie's Mr. Sun! 

On an aside, every Christmas I wear the same thing. I wear it for two reasons. The first, is it easy to wear especially when working in the kitchen, but the primary reason is what it symbolizes to me. I bought those tops in December of 2009, three months after Mattie died. I remember that feeling back then.... a feeling that it was NOT okay to buy something for myself. That the world ended, so why did I need anything else? That I in essence died when Mattie died. I literally forced myself to buy those items, as a way to try to find a way in this world. So these tops are symbolic to me.... they remind me of Mattie's loss and how, now 16 years later, I am still trying to find a way to navigate in a world without him. 

All the ladies...

my mom, me, Charlotte, Koseth (Charlotte's mom), and Gladys (Koseth's mom)

Every Christmas I try to get items that Charlotte wants! She is ten years old and loves to read and also loves Legos! So she is actually very easy to shop for and she reminds me of me when I was her age. As an only child, I went to many dinners at my parent's friends homes. I learned to listen, to observe people and their feelings, and I also learned the art form of sitting still. Amazing how our formative years influence our entire life!

I am very grateful to have the assistance of my friends Ilona and Attila! As Ilona helped me serve and clean up and Attila was my master turkey carver! I am so thrilled Attila takes this on, because I dislike carving turkeys. When I was married, my other half did this, and truly it saddens me that I face Christmas and another year ahead as a divorced woman. This is my second Christmas being single, and one would think it would get easier. But I think when you have someone in your life for 35 years who you loved, trusted, and grew up with, two years means nothing!