Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. Mattie was in the child life playroom and was performing several magic tricks for his psychosocial team members. Each month, Mattie's head of school (Bob, the Magic Man) came to the hospital and taught Mattie magic tricks. Bob learned these skills from his dad, and passed along the love of magic to Mattie. The beauty of magic was that it did not require gross motor movement, just fine motor! Cancer did not impact Mattie's fine motor movements and he absolutely loved learning magic from Bob and what was clear was that magic made Mattie feel special..... he viewed himself as having a talent others did not possess.
Quote of the day: We never see the full picture. We cannot know a person’s life and challenges at a glimpse. We never hear the full story. We cannot grasp a person’s viewpoint through mere words. We never feel the full pain. We cannot perceive a person’s heart and mind in a conversation. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich
I woke up at 5:30am! Why? Because I had my annual physical today and in order to get to that appointment at 10am, I had to get up very early. Prior to my parents moving in with me, I was NOT a morning person! If someone would have told me five years ago that I would be getting up daily before the sun rises and that I would be divorced, I would have laughed. Yet here I am.
I knew what was going to be addressed in my doctor's appointment today.... my cholesterol level! When I am stressed out, based on past experiences with Mattie, I have a hard time maintaining a normal cholesterol level. However, the doctor did more extensive testing, which shows that I am at risk for heart disease and strokes. Seriously bring it on, what more can be dumped on me? Of course whatever health crisis I may face in the future, I face alone. Also humbling. Any case, I now have until July to stabilize my cholesterol levels, which means the doctor wants me to find the time to exercise. All I can say is DEAR GOD..... help me find the strength to care for myself, before being re-assessed in July.
In the midst of talking today, the doctor switched gears and then plays psychologist! This is NOT my favorite aspect of this doctor. Thankfully he is leaving the practice in August, because I am not sure we are a good match. The doctor knows about my personal circumstances... both caregiving and the nature of my divorce. His constant advise to me is to let everything go. To have no resentment. Some days I can handle trite statements.... today wasn't one of them. I literally snapped at him. If you think I resent what happened with my marriage, YOU ARE WAY OFF BASE. What that does is it negates my pain, hurt, shock, and trauma. So I literally said to him.... try to picture yourself married to someone for decades, for sharing a son together, a childhood cancer journey together, building a foundation together to then now NOTHING. How would you feel? Seriously, by the time I finished with him, he HAD NO WORDS! Exactly!!! As I said to him, some issues have no quick fixes and it is easy to judge someone else's circumstances without truly getting the magnitude of pain involved.
After that appointment I walked myself over to the imaging department of the hospital for an x-ray, to track my kidney stones. I was supposed to get this x-ray done at a hospital in the city since February. But I just can't seem to find the time to get into the city (which is 40 minutes away from where I live)! So over Easter, while sitting at the dining room table talking with my mom and my friend, Mary Ann, I deduced I had to get that x-ray script and move it to a more doable hospital facility. So today I got it done.
Later in the day, I picked up my dad at his memory care center and the director wanted to talk with me. She wanted to alert me to my dad's pressure sores. I did not take to this well. I shower my dad daily and do all his care. Therefore, alerting me to open wounds is not helpful! Not helpful because I am aware of it already and have been treating it. But these sores are between his buttock cheeks, and therefore it is impossible to bandage that area. Since he is always sitting down and is incontinent, I am facing a very steep uphill battle. I literally told the director, that either she is going to be part of the solution, and if not, she is part of my problem! Nonetheless, I wrote to my dad's doctor and asked him to send in a script to our in-home care company (who manages nursing and PT) for wound care. So here I go again with this fiasco.
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