Wednesday, February 4, 2026

Wednesday, February 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2002. Mattie was just a few weeks old! Honestly I did not know if I was coming or going at that point in time. There are great books that prepare you for all the stages of pregnancy, but there is NOTHING that helps guide you on the complex journey of motherhood. Mattie was born by c-section and my recovery from abdominal surgery was challenging at best, on top of which, I developed post partum depression. How I felt did not impact my love Mattie or how I cared for him. But I recall the feeling of crying at the drop of a hat (and I am NOT a crier), feeling overwhelmed, isolated, and distraught. In fact, I was so distraught in the hospital that after 5 days post c-section, the nurse felt that she could justify more time inpatient until I emotionally stabilized. However, I elected to get discharged because something told me that I had to figure this out on my own. When I look at this photo of Mattie, what immediately comes to mind is..... he initially looked NOTHING like me. However, by the time he was three, there was no doubt..... Mattie was the spitting image of me.  

Quote of the day: It's easier to take than to give. It's nobler to give than to take. The thrill of taking lasts a day. The thrill of giving lasts a lifetime. ~ Joan Marques

This photo was taken in May of 2009. Back then Team Mattie planned a "March" on the school's track and field. Mattie's community wanted to show their support of us and in the process it was also a fundraiser. There must have been over 500 people in attendance. It was a full day that included a formal program in which we spoke and gave out appreciation gifts to all of Mattie's nurses and psychosocial team. My joke on that day was...... is anyone left at the hospital? I was joking, but our medical family was there in full force. This particular photo was taken at the end of the event. This was Mattie and his best preschool friend, Zachary. 

Why am I showing you this photo? Because I now have the pleasure of working with Zachary on his school project. Zachary is taking a non-profit course which requires him to shadow a non-profit leader. Zachary reached out to me. When I tell you it is a surreal experience, I am not kidding. Mattie and Zachary were very close in preschool, and they enjoyed their time together so much that after school each day, they had a playdate. I felt, in a way, that Zachary was like a second son to me, because I knew his likes, dislikes, preferences, and could predict his responses to certain things. 

During Mattie's cancer journey, Zachary always visited and instinctively adjusted his play to match Mattie's physical abilities. There was a lot to be learned from their friendship, and it was such a special bond that I am quite certain it will always remain a part of me. But I knew Zachary as a child, not Zachary the young adult. 

It is a wonderful opportunity for me to have this time to reconnect with Zachary, and as I interact with Zachary now, I wonder.... would Mattie be just like this? After all these boys were so much alike, that I feel like I am getting a little bit of a glimpse into what Mattie would have been like at age 24! Which in and of itself is an incredible gift to a bereaved mom. Naturally when Zachary met me, he was at a tender age (4), and most likely doesn't remember our time together like I do. Which is why I am always cognizant as to not overwhelm him with my own emotions. That said, it means a lot to me that Zachary wanted to shadow me versus another non-profit leader. 

I love hearing Zachary's perspective on fundraising, and what activities would attract his age group to Mattie Miracle. This week we had our second conference call together and I invited another key Mattie Miracle supporter on the call with us, as we are slowly pulling together a group of supporters who are willing to fundraise for us and brainstorm fundraising events and opportunities. 

Though my days are full with caregiving and other chores, these Zoom calls with Zachary have perked me up. I think that reconnecting with Zachary has in essence brought back happy memories in Mattie's history for me, and I consider anyone who interacted with Mattie to be a Mattie Legacy Keeper!