Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2007. Mattie was four years old and for spring break, we took him to Key West, FL. As there was this pier near us, I joked with Mattie.... could he hold up the pier?! He thought that was a riot.... so I posed him and snapped this photo. When I showed the photo to Mattie, he laughed because with a little creative imagination.... Mighty Mattie was indeed holding up the pier.
Quote of the day: These are hard and uncertain times we’re living in, he said. You never know what will still be here tomorrow. That’s why we must take joy every day in what we do have, so it’s something we can carry in our memories when things change. ~ Jaye L. Knight,
There is so much truth in tonight's quote. Life can change on a dime. For many reasons such as.... an accident, illness, divorce, loss of a job, and death. Nothing is guaranteed, no matter how much we think we are in control over our own lives. But here's the irony, while we are living our lives, most of us are thinking ahead... hoping and planning for something better to come along. What I have learned through Mattie's illness and death, is that thinking about tomorrow serves NO purpose. Instead focusing on the moment is key.
With my life surrounded in losses, I honestly would never have thought for a minute that I would get divorced and if anyone would have even mentioned to me that things could change in my long term relationship, I most likely would have laughed. Laughed because when you grow up with someone and also go through life's hardest tragedy (child loss) together, you have a deep connection with that person. To me that connection was always untouchable and would always be there. Unfortunately I learned the hard way and in the process each loss and traumatic event I have experienced, has changed me.
I am no longer the same person I used to be. This is a tough reality to accept. I am not happy about my multiple losses and I am not happy about how they have changed me. I look at every interaction now with caution, always wondering what is going on under the surface with those in my presence? My assumption is that not everything is as it appears. That there are underlying agendas and thoughts going on with others that I have no idea about. This is truly not a good way to live life, but it is the aftermath of great hurt and despair. This of course is not a unique Vicki reaction, this is a common response to trauma.... barriers and walls go up for protection. I am hoping with each day I find strength and courage to carry on and find a glimmer of hope, because if this is as good as it gets, it is not a good existence.
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