Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008. My parents were visiting and we took Mattie to one of my favorite places.... the Washington, DC Aquatic Gardens. These Gardens are off the beaten path and truthfully if you drove through the neighborhood of DC, you would never guess that this piece of paradise was just around the corner. We loved going there every July, when the lotus flowers were in bloom. What is hard to believe is that just weeks later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer.
Quote of the day: It is hundreds of tiny threads of memories, which sew people together through the years. Despite, their mental separation they stay woven into that tapestry out of habit, emotion, obsession or fear. ~ Shannon L. Alder
Tonight's quote really speaks to me, because I absolutely agree. When you have grown up and lived with someone for decades, they do become part of your tapestry. That is the beauty of a marriage, you are two people who integrate in heart, mind, and spirit, forming one unified bond. When that half of yourself gets carved out, it is disorienting. I have a friend, who I met in a support group (the same group, I left after two sessions), and we communicate daily. We live in completely different countries and yet our lives are in parallel. As we say all the time.... we are moving about, we are productive, we are accomplishing tasks and things, but we feel absolutely empty. Hollow! Being busy and productive, doesn't equate to feeling connected, being happy, or having joy in life. Instead, the more meaningful aspects of life, that make life worth living, come down to our interconnections. You could uproot me, put me on a space craft and dump me on the moon, and the trauma of what happened to me would follow. It becomes very hard not to be defined by divorce, as the consequences are all consuming at times.
Changing gears, yesterday, as I was driving my dad to his memory care center, I noticed an ambulance and fire truck at my neighbor's house. I could see someone coming out on a stretcher. I literally opened my car windows, pulled over to the curb, and told my dad that I would be right back. My neighbor's husband was rushed to the hospital and I stopped to chat with her and lend support. As I told her, I maybe busy, but she is never alone. She can call me anytime.
This evening, I had a chance to connect with my neighbor. She wanted to thank me for moving her trash cans back to her house (as it was trash day) and then said something that surprised me. She said.... "You (meaning me) deal with crises and issues every day, and tackle each one with little to no help. You are strong and resourceful. But I am not like you!" Early on, I connected this neighbor to my dad's home health company, and today she decided to call them to ask for some help with things. Again, she wanted to thank me for sharing resources and for being there for her.
My point to all of this is it is amazing to hear how I am perceived by others. I haven't reported on the blog everything I faced when I became separated in 2023, but what I do know is the average person would have cowered in the corner, and collapsed. I now have a much greater understanding for why people die by suicide and it takes great courage, strength, determination, and faith to find a way forward every day. My life has been shattered and though others may view me as strong and resourceful, which I acknowledge, I miss having a partner in crime. A partner who shared decades with me, and who also endured the beauty of Mattie and the heartbreak of losing him.
No comments:
Post a Comment