Friday, November 27, 2009

Friday, November 27, 2009

Tonight's picture was taken in the spring of 2005. Toward the end of March, the US Botanical Garden in Washington, DC has a beautiful display of azalea bushes. They are simply glorious, and each spring we would take Mattie to see them. The beauty would go on for miles at the Botanical Gardens, and Mattie would love to follow the trails around to see each bush and each unique color. Today was a frigid day in Washington, DC, and looking at azaleas reminded me of better weather and happier times with Mattie.

Poem of the day: Mattie memory - by Charlie Brown

Thank you Charlie for writing a poem about Mattie and my feelings about him! That is a lovely Thanksgiving gift.

It's so hard to go on without you

So hard to face another day

I want you here with me

To watch you grow and play

Sometimes I almost forget

That you are no longer here

I turn and look for you

Then I face my biggest fear

That somehow I will stop remembering you

When the pain finally goes away

I will walk through a life without you

Never understanding why you could not stay

All the colors of my world are muted

Even the leaves seem brown and gray

You added the spice to the recipe of life

But now you've gone away

I will miss you forever my Mattie

Every day til my life is done

You live in my heart now always

And blaze in memory like the sun.

Today I spent the majority of the day in bed and not feeling well. I am not feeling well physically and emotionally. Certainly the physical ailments are a lot easier to treat to some extent than the emotional ones. Though my physical issues are chronic in nature, which makes them harder to treat. None the less, for the first time today I realized I was beyond sad, I was depressed. So much so that I had absolutely no energy to get out of bed for over half the day, and nothing seemed to interest me enough to physically motivate me to move. Based on the time of year it is, with the weather changing, and the holidays approaching, you will start seeing many more commercials on TV for depression. Well I happened to watch a holiday movie, of all things, today on TV (mostly because it had Jaclyn Smith in it, and as a product of the 70's and watching Charlie's Angels, I became a Jaclyn Smith fan) and during a commercial break, WebMD was promoting their "depression health check" survey. So later on today out of curiosity, I went on line to look at the survey. Mind you I am very familiar with the criteria for clinical depression and have administered depression assessments over the course of my career. I suppose going on line was a two folded venture. One I wanted to see if I could answer these questions honestly for myself, but two, I wanted to see how accurate a diagnosis such a survey produced (since I am always concerned about how mental health issues are presented to the public). First of all in my case, if an instrument did not assess me as depressed at this point, then I would say something was gravely wrong with the instrument. But what truly troubled me about this on line assessment is that it made allowances for other issues to be the cause of depression such as being on chemotherapy, being diagnosed with a physical illness, etc. But guess what important question wasn't asked and wasn't even taken into account? The question of grief! No where on this survey did it ask whether you recently suffered the death of a loved one. What a drastic oversight. Dealing with grief and clinical depression can look very much the same, which is why it is so important to talk with someone qualified before jumping to conclusions.... and I don't mean your primary care physician, who has zero to NO training in mental health assessment and diagnosis. It is times like this in my life when I feel my clinical training is a God sent.

Today was a difficult day for Peter too. Mattie and Peter had a special day after Thanksgiving tradition. It was on this day that they would put up their Christmas light display outside in our complex. The first year they did this, the lights were modest, but with each passing year, the light display got bigger, brighter, and bolder. Last year was an incredible display, in which neighbors thanked us and even came out at night to photograph the scene. Peter and I reflected on this today, and unlike in years past, I won't be looking out our windows and seeing lights this year. I can only see darkness. Seems to be a metaphor of our lives. The picture on the left features the addition Mattie picked last year to add to the holiday display. He acquired a new light each year! He picked the dog because it reminded him of JJ, our resident Jack Russell Terrier.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am glad that you spent Thanksgiving with loving friends and I am sure the day while pleasant was difficult for you. I hear that even discussing Christmas seems pointless and that finding a place that will be free of grief is impossible. You are right, you carry it within you and there is no where to go to outrun it. What you can try to do is find a place where you feel comfortable, you can find some moments of serenity (like at the spa) and allow your grief without judging it. I enjoyed your mom's story about Captain Mattie and the Power Station-Mattie was a "powerhouse", he led a life of extraordinary intensity and energy and he "powered" the games he shared with friends and family. To suffer that loss is to go from the sun blazing to a grey foggy day. Don't look for what will make you happy this holiday (I don't think anything will) but look for a place you can be comfortable and open with yourself and Peter and let it proceed from there. Please be kind to yourself as the days to the Christmas count down; while none of us truly knows the depth of your pain, we all are thinking of you and cradling you gently in our thoughts."