Thanksgiving Day

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007 on Roosevelt Island, near Washington, DC. This was one of Mattie's favorite nature walks and in the fall, he loved to search for wrinkly green hedge apples, which you can see him holding in the picture. We had this picture of Mattie enlarged to the size of a poster and it is framed in our living room. I remember taking this picture, and particularly how proud Mattie was of his hedge apple finding.


Poem of the day: THE MESSAGE

What mean you by this weeping?
To break my very heart?
We are all in God's keeping,
And therefore cannot part.
You there - me here, tho' parted
We still at heart are one;
I just in sunshine,
The shadow scarcely gone.
What tho' the clouds surround you,
You can the brightness see.
'Tis only a little way that
Leads from you to me.
I was so very weary
Surely you could not mourn,
That I a little sooner
Should lay my burden down.
Then weep not - weep not,
my darling,
God wipes away all tears,
'Tis but a little while,
Though you may call it years.

Since Mattie has died, I haven't had the desire to talk on the telephone. I am not sure exactly why, other than to me this is no longer a way I feel connected to people. After living in a PICU for 13+ months, my main form of connections became my Blackberry. So in many ways, I feel more comfortable writing about my day, my ups and downs, and my feelings rather than talking about them. However, this is beginning to change. I am slowly being able to verbalize what is going on, or at least need the opportunity to try to express these thoughts and feelings. Before I did anything else, I wanted to call my mom and wish her a happy birthday today. Prior to Mattie's illness, my parents and I spoke quite frequently, but the pain of his death has been hard on us, and for me I wasn't ready to talk about things. It is also hard to talk to those I am most close with, because we are all going through the same intense grief. I had a nice conversation with my parents, and we chatted about a host of things, one of which was the importance of getting away for a while.

Peter and I spent the day at Ann's house. Ann's mom, Mary, was visiting as well. Mary admired Mattie's necklace on me, and as she started talking about it, this caused me to tear up. Mostly because his necklace is a constant reminder to me of the fact that he is no longer with me. The only physical connection I have to Mattie is through this necklace he made me. In these moments when I tear up, Mary understands this well. We played board games and other games with Ann's children and of course had the opportunity to share a lovely Thanksgiving day dinner with them. At one point today, I was sitting in Ann's dining room with her mom, and Abigail and Ann came in. I was sitting in Ann's seat, and I joked with Abigail that today I was "mom." We both laughed and then I said she has only one mom. She then turned to me and said that I used to be a mom. Very well stated, exactly what I have been saying all along. On some level I will always be Mattie's mom, but my role as "mom" ended on September 8, 2009. When you become a parent, this role defines you. However, what happens when your child dies, what happens to this role that once filled your world? What gives your life the same purpose and meaning? Emphasis on the SAME! Sure in time one could re-engage with the world and with that make accommodations by adding new aspects to one's life. Whether that be a job, writing a book, or running a Foundation, etc. But are any of these things comparable to raising Mattie, sharing his love, and experiencing his life? My answer would be NO! Thankfully most of my readers will never have to walk in my shoes to understand the true depths of what I am expressing, but it is my hope that you will just believe me when I say nothing can replace or fill the void left by Mattie in my life.

Peter and I started to have the conversation with Ann tonight about Christmas. This is not an easy discussion for us. Mainly because nothing at this point sounds like a good plan. Peter and I are very certain we do not want to celebrate Christmas. We are not decorating, not sending out cards, or giving gifts. However, the question is how to pass the day this year? We are discussing different options, but to me, nothing seems interesting or plausible. In fact, you could ship me clear across to the other side of the world, and I most likely would feel the same way. The grief and feelings are within me, and are not location dependent.

I would like to share a story that my mom wrote with you tonight. My mom and dad created a whole play scenario around a character called "Captain Mattie." Mattie loved this game, and Thanksgiving seemed like the appropriate time to share this because I will always give thanks to Mattie's creativity.

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The Captain Mattie Capers
Part I
By Virginia R. Sardi

In looking back, it is hard to remember exactly when and how Mattie, Grammie, and PopPop initiated the game, “Captain Mattie and His Electric Power Station” but over the years we played it together many times starting from his earliest days at Resurrection Preschool until the week before he died. It was his favorite after school activity and it is no exaggeration to say that he never grew tired of it. What is remarkable is how Mattie always found ways to reinvigorate the story by inventing new plots with fascinating characters which kept the entertainment level of “making believe” so high we were guaranteed that the fun and adventure inherent in “the game” never diminished for any of us.

In the early days, Mattie made things with tinker toys foreshadowing his passion to build with legos as he developed into a little boy. One afternoon, he decided to use his tinker toys to build an electric power station which had imaginary controls to handle the flow of electricity that could be turned on and off. I asked Mattie, “What is this power station going to be used for?” and his answer to that question is the key to understanding how the game began. As background information it is important to note that he always had a major fascination with electrical wiring, cables, outlets, handles and knobs other children were not even aware of, so I thought this question would elicit an interesting response and it did! Mattie said “Grammie, my power station will give electricity to all the little people who live in my city!” I asked him where his city was and not skipping a beat he responded that he would create one. And so he did. It was a modern city made up of houses, his little people, cars, boats, trains, planes and helicopters. It also was to have a hospital and a school and all would be put to good use over the course of many games.

As in real life, Mattieville needed a government to regulate good behavior so that everyone could live happily together. It was only natural for Mattie to become its leader because he created the city and everything in it. Being a leader was a very real concept to Mattie because it was part of his leadership training at Resurrection Preschool. Every day a child in his class would be selected to be the leader for that day and he just loved the times when he was chosen. He talked about how he liked to be at the head the line when his classmates were asked to line up and how much he enjoyed leading the scheduled activities for the day. He transferred the concept of leadership learned at school and applied it to “the game.” So in recognition of the special role he had in creating the electric power station and the city, he wanted to be known as Captain Mattie, the leader of Mattieville, whenever we played “the game.” Captain Mattie seemed to “fit” his personality from the start and we often referred to him affectionately as Captain Mattie even when we were not playing “the game.” However, all good Captains need help to be effective and Captain Mattie figured out he needed an assistant to run a city like Mattieville. His first step was to deputize Grammie as his Chief Assistant, calling her Captain Grammie. Now PopPop’s role was very different. He challenged the harmony and peace of the city in an effort to undermine the leadership of Captain Mattie. The little people called him PopPopBadGuy but he demanded that they refer to him as, Captain PopPop BadGuy and was known for playing all kinds of pranks and mean tricks on them while openly making empty promises to fool them into making him their leader! His goal was to capture Captain Mattie, put him in jail and take over the city for himself and his hooligans. It was up to Captain Mattie with Captain Grammie’s help to outwit him and counteract Captain PopPop BadGuy’s plots to make trouble for the little people and make sure none of them succeeded. One of Captain PopPop BadGuy’s favorite mean things to do was to take away the city’s electricity by shutting down the power station that Captain Mattie operated just for them. Captain Mattie’s job was to handle each crisis with creative intervention, thwarting Captain PopPopBadGuy’s efforts to sabotage the city, and keep the lights on and the energy flowing in Mattieville! A tall order when the action started!

There were different story lines that we played for weeks at a time. As an illustration, one of the evil plots perpetrated by Captain PopPop BadGuy was to seed the sky over MattieVille with rain creating a terrible flood. Many scenarios, like this one, had creative input from Captain Mattie who had heard about Hurricane Katrina and insisted on including a life threatening flood like the one in New Orleans into our game making it more realistic. The difference of course was that the Mattieville storm was to be attributed to the evil work of Captain PopPopBadGuy. As the city’s first and only hero, Captain Mattie went into action with his assistant, Captain Grammie, rescuing all those who were stranded or in danger of drowning with his boats, helicopters, trucks and planes. We took the injured to hospitals, gave them safe places to stay until Captain Mattie could get the city under control and put an end to the wicked attempted takeover by Captain PopPopBadGuy. In the end, after many setbacks in which Captain PopPopBadGuy had the upper hand using his powers to sink the boats, destroy the planes, and sabotage the power station, Captain Mattie, with a little help from Captain Grammie, finally saved the day by apprehending Captain PopPopBadGuy and putting him in jail to stop his destructive rampages. Every episode had a happy ending with Captain Mattie, the hero, and Captain PopPopBadGuy, the villain. The good citizens of MattieVille knew their hero, Captain Mattie, would look out for them so they had nothing to fear and had confidence that no matter how diabolical the plot invented by Captain PopPopBadGuy, Captain Mattie would always triumph in the end!

That was the gist of “the game” for all of the happy years when Mattie was a healthy, happy little boy engaging us in his fantasies on which he was creating a series of stories that gave us insight into how he perceived the world around him and his place in it. It wasn’t an accident that he was always the hero of the story because I think Mattie saw himself as someone who took care of others and took responsibility for helping those in need. His mother told me of an incident in which she and Mattie were instrumental in rescuing baby ducks caught in a drain outside of their housing complex. On their walk, their attention was captured by the behavior of the mother duck who was honking for all she was worth to divert them from their walk to her location near the drain. Mattie quickly took a look and realized that the ducklings were trapped in the drain, the mother duck could do nothing to help and that they needed to call Animal Control to free the ducklings inside the drain. Mattie with Vicki’s help did just that and were thrilled to report to me later that Animal Control reunited the mother duck with her ducklings and set them free in the Potomac River. Mattie told me this story many times over the course of his short life for it always meant a lot to him that he was instrumental in the rescue operation of the ducklings and their ultimate reunion with their mother duck. Mattie had a big heart and a giving and kind spirit. This episode with the ducklings is very revealing of the values he lived by and which he brought with him into his playtime experiences with us. Not to say, that playtime didn’t have its “rough and ready” moments and that there were never times when, as my own mother would have said, “the party is getting too rough” and for this reason, we needed to slow down the action to bring things under control. But when this happened, we sometimes did a “time-out” or two because we recognized that he was a child, not a saint! So in summary "the game" was a wonderful mix of childhood play that had elements of the physical, mental, emotional and psychological that engaged all our senses in a way that PopPop and Grammie will remember fondly forever. Mattie if you are reading this as we pray you are, I hope I have done justice in depicting your passion for life and your instinct to live life to its fullest especially in the pursuit of your own inner vision as manifested through play for we will always remember you as Captain Mattie, the most creative playmate we ever had!
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I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "My heart goes out to you today as I am sure do the hearts and thoughts of all those other blog readers. Once again, Mattie came to mind for me today, first thing this morning as one of the cats rang the bell that hangs on our front door. I knew you would be listening for Mattie's chimes as you left the house today on your way to Ann's. I have always been grateful for what I have and yet this year, I feel even more so with regard to my three "F"s...family, friends and freedom. I am so blessed with all of them. I know that your family is incomplete now and will always be, but your group of "friends of the heart" have grown this year. I am glad you got to see Goli this holiday, that is what it is all supposed to be about. Today, know that so many of us are with you in spirit and sending you our strength to help you get through the day with grace and love."

The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "I awoke this morning and thought about the three of you, yes, physically there may not be three at the table or in your everyday activities, but, there will always be the three of you in your hearts. Peter, I just read your thoughts and memories of Mattie from the memorial service. I couldn't do anything else but cry. You are so right when you say to remember that time is a gift and spend it wisely with our loved ones especially our children and grandchildren. They do make our world more complete. I am sorry for your pain and loss and wish you a peaceful day. Be kind to yourself. I am glad that Vicki and you have each other and are there to support and love each other in spite of your pain. Vicki, I miss you ! So many tell of your special qualities and it does resonate with anyone who knows you. You have that quality that draws people to you.The blog is a perfect example of this. Each day that I check in I see how many are still with you. May it bring you some comfort to know that so many are still drawn to your family. Many experience an additional loss after the initial activities of mourning and your commitment to Mattie has kept us all close to you. I remember when we were working on the Conference two years ago and we discussed life cycles. I was dealing with my Mom's decline and you found Barry Jacobs to do the program on Caregivers. You will never know how much that meant to me personally and helped me get through the next month and her death. When we need to be there for a loved one we do forgot the fatigue and stress and move on, most times. When that is removed our physical body lets us know the strain that it has been experiencing. I know that Ann will keep reminding you of this, to take care of yourself and listen wisely to your body. I love hearing about Mattie's chimes sounding often to remind you that you are never alone. What a special bond between the two of you! This will help you to be gentle with yourself when you seem to cry at the drop of a hat. This will help you when getting out of the house seems too difficult. Through your words, I've been reminded of how we are lent our children for a period of time and to give them all the love and care we can. As the two of you know , better than most, that can be taken away in an instant. Sometimes, I find the poems so moving that I can't read them at one sitting. I am grateful to Charlie for these beautiful words as they seem to echo your thoughts and feelings for the day. We all need to know that someone else understands us and can give us space when we need it. I know that Thanksgiving is a holiday when families tell of their gratitude for the year. I am grateful that Mattie has the Mommy and Daddy he had. He was blessed with wonderful parents and family and I am sure would never have handled everything as he did had it not been for your guidance and love. I feel honored to be among a wide circle of friends, family, and colleagues and send you peace and a big MattieBear hug. May it warm you on this day and every day of your life. I am grateful to you for reminding all of us about the importance of reaching out and giving to all around us."