Saturday, November 21, 2009Tonight's picture was sent to me by one of Mattie's kindergarten buddies, Cameron. Apparently Cameron took this picture of Mattie during Grandparent's day at his school. I am posting this picture because as soon as I opened it today, it captured my heart. When you zoom into this picture, Mattie's eyes were simply stunning and bright, and his smile was priceless.
Poem of the day: A letter from Heaven
To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say. But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay. I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above. Here, there's no more tears of sadness; Here is just eternal love. Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight. Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night. That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through. God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you.""It's good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, They'll be here later on. I need you here so badly, you are part of my plan. There is so much that we can do, to help our mortal man. "God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do. And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you. And when you lie in bed at night the day's chores put to flight. God and I are closest to you.... in the middle of the night. When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years. Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain. I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned. If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand. But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over. I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before. There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb; But together we can do it by taking one day at a time. It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too; That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who is in sorrow and pain; Then you can say to God at night...."My day was not in vain. And now I am contented... that my life was worthwhile. Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile. "So if you meet somebody who is sad and low; Just lend a hand to pick them up, as on your way you go. When you're walking down the street and you've got me on your mind; I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind. And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free. Remember you're not going.... you're coming here with me.
Peter got up this morning before me, which is not all that unusual, since he has always been a morning person. He went out to run some chores, and when he returned I found that he brought me flowers and had arranged them in a vase. That may sound like a simple gesture, but to me that made me smile. I am surrounded by utter chaos at home, I can't part with anything Mattie created or had, and I live with various stacks of things and piles. I am so conflicted about this, since I am a highly organized person who has the need to straighten and unclutter things, and yet if I do this, I won't be surrounded by the remembrances of Mattie. So until I have come to some conclusion or peace about this, nothing is being touched. But this brings me to the flowers today. The flowers to me symbolize some sort of freedom or connection to nature. Something that Mattie always loved and wanted to be a part of. It is amazing to me how a bunch of flowers today, given with love, could make me feel differently about my cluttered surroundings.
I met up with Ann and Tanja today. Ann arranged for all of us to have lunch and have an afternoon at the spa to celebrate Tanja's birthday. It was very nice to be able to spend several hours of uninterrupted time to just talk, share feelings and thoughts, and then to be able to sit back in a very relaxing environment. I had an opportunity today to sit in the serenity room at the spa, and actually read a book. It was peaceful and cozy and I did not feel the weight of the world on my shoulders for just those two hours. I joked with Ann, that I would pay to just be able to sit in this serenity room two hours a week. Some how that seemed therapeutic.
I am sure you are going to get a kick out of my book choice as well. The name of the book is called "The Christmas List." It is written by Richard Paul Evans, who has been one of my favorite authors for years now. The Christmas List is a fascinating story about a man who has lived a mean and bitter life, treated others horribly, and then one day wakes up to find out that his obituary is in the newspaper. However, one key point, he isn't dead. Through this process he learns the negative legacy he has left behind, how he wasn't truly respected by others, despite being extremely wealthy and powerful, and the one woman he treated miserably, his wife (dying from cancer by the way), is the only person in the end who defends his character. I haven't finished reading the book, but the topic of a legacy and how you want to be remembered is on the forefront of my mind with Mattie's loss.
When I arrived home tonight, Peter and I had a nice dinner together. We had a whole host of things to talk about, and I think I came to one conclusion, escaping today to a spa was a very healthy thing for me to do. Not that it solves my issues, or resolves my intense grief, but I have come to see that I need these restoring distractions in order to be able to handle the next bout of sadness thrust upon me.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Yesterday sounds like it was a full day with a meeting about the foundation (many of us are anxiously awaiting its launch) and the birthday party for Ann's daughter Katie. I can just imagine how difficult watching Katie blow out those candles must have been and the chain of thoughts that they invoked. It is amazing how so often it is the simple things that transport us either to a place of joy or to sorrow. I am so sorry that right now, all these things are far more likely to take you to a place of sadness and grief. I hope that as time passes you can look on these events and see some joy in the time that you had with Mattie; that what comes will be the memory of his smiles, his laughter and his love for you, Peter, his friends and life in general. Try to take some comfort in the fact that Mattie is remembered and his life is celebrated in ways we are only beginning to see. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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