Sunday, February 21, 2010Tonight's picture was taken in our living room last February. Mattie completed the Lego city structure that sat next to him, and he was very proud of this accomplishment, especially since this set was very intricate. Prior to Mattie, I never really played much with Legos. However, Mattie was a good teacher, and I became a decent assistant. In all reality, Mattie was very good with his hands and had an innate understanding for how things worked. He was a born engineer. Hanging out with him for seven years, enabled me to develop skills I never knew I had. But then again, this is the beauty of raising a child, you are pushed beyond your limits in various aspects of your life, and through the process you learn more about yourself and your ability to love in ways you did not think were possible.
Poem of the day: A Letter to Mommy by Lana Golembeski
Letter to mommy
Mommy dearest, just writing to let you know
That each and every day I miss you so.
Best friends we will ever be,
No matter the distance between you and me.
You kissed my hurts and loved me so.
You rocked me in your arms to and fro.
You calmed me throughout the night,
While hugging me so very tight.
Every day you always kept me near
And wiped away my every tear.
No matter what the season,
You always loved me for no reason.
Thankful will I ever be,
For letting me be oh so free!
With angel wings my heart takes flight,
Finding joy and spreading my light!
Each and every day I come to visit,
While upon your shoulders I often sit,
Sending all my love to your soul,
Trying so hard to help you once again feel whole.
Mommy, my sweetest dear,
Feel my presence so very near.
Mommy, please don’t feel so sad
For I am with the very best Dad!
His love is oh so great!
Your entrance his angels do await.
There are no words to describe the beauty of this land
Formed by our Father’s loving hand.
Love and light shine everywhere
Even in places we fear to dare.
So mommy, please dry your tears
For in this place there are no more fears.
Love and laughter fill the air
And light shines throughout the lands everywhere!
Joy itself knows no bounds
And fills the air all around.
So mommy dearest
Look into the stars to feel me nearest.
You and I will always be best of friends,
Always, until the very end.
All of the angels within and beyond your sight
Are always there; making spirits bright!
God and I from up above,
Send to you our special love!
The disembarkment process off of a large cruise ship is a sight to see. No matter how organized the crew is, I always find this day stressful. Primarily because you are asked to leave the ship at a very early hour. The ship gives you an assigned time to leave based on your flight information. Today, Peter and I were asked to leave at 7:30am. So needless to say I was up very early to get ready for the long travel day ahead. Hundreds of people disembark at one time and this makes for a very challenging process as you try to find your luggage (which is collected by the crew the night before) on the dock. We had to clear customs on the dock which was an incredibly easy process. So much so that the customs person waved us on, I guess Peter and I look non-threatening. However, the San Juan airport was a challenge. After all, when thousands of people transcend onto an airport, naturally there is going to be chaos. If our Princess ship were the only one to drop off passengers at the airport today, we may have had half a chance, but there were two other big cruise ships dropping off passengers as well. We arrived at the airport before my parents, and checked our bags and got our boarding passes. But because we had four hours to wait at the airport for our flight, we decided to not go through security, but instead wait for my parents to arrive at the airport (since they had a later flight than us, Princess scheduled them to depart the ship after us). Fortunately we were there to help my parents, because by the time they arrived, the airport was completely overhwhelming, and having extra hands to help makes things go smoother.
Thankfully our flight was beautiful. Not one bit of turbulence, which was greatly appreciated since I am tired and not exactly thrilled to be home and back in cold weather. The skys were crystal clear, and we could see the Outer Banks of North Carolina from the air. Peter, Mattie, and I have fond memories of the Outer Banks, and it was very special to see it from the air. Nonetheless, when we arrived at Dulles International Airport in Virginia, and got off the plane, I couldn't help but notice all the little boys with their parents. It is during these times that I feel the greatest sense of confusion and depression. I simply do not understand how Mattie could be taken away from us, and how our lives are so empty now. While flying today I happened to look down at my hand. I have a scar on my hand from a scratch that Patches, our cat, once gave me. Just from seeing this scratch my mind began to wander. I wondered if there was something on me that would always remind me of Mattie, or at least showed the fact that I indeed had a son. Naturally I wear Mattie's jewelry, but I wasn't thinking in those terms. I was thinking of something more permanent. It was at that point, I thought to myself, of course I will always have proof that Mattie was in my life, because I have the c-section scar to prove it. It is funny, how such a scar now seems so important. It is no longer a scar or imperfection, but instead a symbol of a memory of someone I love dearly.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "As I read your last blog from the ship and looked at the pictures I thought, of course you would know all about the staff and what goes on behind the scenes. So many people go on a trip or a cruise and are oblivious to the people who make things happen, who cook, clean, serve food; for them, these people are invisible. For you, every being is a person; someone to wonder about and perhaps get to know. I think it is a wonderful and one of your many strengths. People always know that you are who you seem to be, someone who is interested in them and not just being polite. I appreciate the information on the cruise; you said there were many people but it was hard to grasp until I saw the amount of food and dishes being handled by the kitchen. I know you are headed back to DC today and it will be a tough transition back for you so be patient, be kind to yourself and expect some issues as you try to find some sort of balance in your life back here. As they said today in practice, discomfort is part of growth and life, pain indicates something you should not be doing now. So try, reach out and see what you can do, discomfort can be worked through but pain is to be avoided if possible. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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