August 3, 2011

August 3, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008 at our home, after Mattie was recovering from his first limb salvaging surgery. Mattie's preschool friends gave him a dragonfly kite. I recall during difficult moments we would turn to Mattie's "Team Mattie" gift pile and open up something new. That particular evening, Mattie opened up the kite and we went outside to fly it. Mattie could only use his left arm, since his right arm was in a sling from surgery. However, getting outside and moving around gave us all a few minutes of normalcy. Based on Mattie's love for bugs, it seemed quite fitting that he was given a dragonfly kite! 

Quote of the day: It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening. ~ SUE MONK KIDD

What a great quote! It is simply stated but incredibly true! Any one who has experienced a loss, a trauma, or great life change will immediately identify with it. Mainly because while your heart is breaking, your life has collapsed around you, and physically and mentally you are beyond depleted, the world around us GOES on. I suppose that is a good thing, because if everyone felt and reacted as a griever does, it would be a sad commentary. Nonetheless, for myself and others who are grieving, it leaves us confused and simply upset at times that we are misunderstood and that our heartbreak isn't shared and normalized.

Today was my last class of pilates for several weeks. I took three classes in a row with my friend Christine. I loved the teacher and I found her to be a great motivator and very concerned for her students' wellbeing. I have no upper body strength, so the teacher literally had to help me with some of the pilates apparatus. She told Christine that she LOVES holding my hands because she has never felt skin so soft. That comment made me laugh, because I guess while she is talking about my skin, I am focusing upon a connection. I think as adults we are quite intimidated by physical contact between friends. By physical contact I mean holding someone's hand or giving them a hug. These are special connections between friends and yet many of us withhold these connections for various reasons. I really never thought much about this until I was aware of how I felt when the teacher held my hand. It is actually a very supportive and nurturing gesture between two people.

I also know this type of connection was something I had with Mattie. As a mom being supportive, nurturing, giving hugs and showing love and affection are part of the role. Now that Mattie is gone, this part of myself that was developed during Mattie's seven years, has no place to go. Which is most likely, I would imagine, why nurturing Ann's mother, Mary, and today's physical connection means more to me than the physical act of holding someone's hand. As I think about this, in times when I am most upset Tina and Junko, are friends who also hold my hand. Extending one's self physically (to hold hands) while seeing someone in pain, almost is saying to the griever that you aren't experiencing this loss per se, but you want to connect with us on a meaningful level and understand.

I had lunch today with two of my friends, Carolyn and Mary. Carolyn took Mary and I out to lunch for our birthdays. Mary's birthday was July 23, a day neither of us will forget. This is the day Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, which is why Mary's birthday remains on my mind. We had a nice time catching up and sharing summer stories.

I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my lifetime friend, Karen. I had been emailing Karen back and forth yesterday about my feelings associated with my most recent hospital visit. I told Karen I was upset that so many of Mattie's nurses are no longer working there and in a way the institutional knowledge of his battle is gone. Her response caught my attention. Karen wrote, "He is there Vicki. His art is on the ceiling. His name is on the snack cart to remind parents and kids they aren't alone in this battle."

The second message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend, Kristen. Kristen wrote, "I fully believe that Mattie can communicate with the two of you.... by snake skin or mouse/toy or clock maneuvers. Thinking of you this Tuesday and everyday."