Wednesday, December 14, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008, only three months before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. As you can see he looked like the picture of health! Mattie was attending his school's spring festival and pictured with him was his buddy Campbell and Campbell's sister, Livi. I am so happy I took extensive photos of Mattie's life. I never thought I would be referring back to them in this way, at the time I simply wanted to document Mattie's life for posterity. When your child dies, so do your plans, ideas, and expectations for the future. Mattie was our future, and his cancer and death has forced us to live in the present, and for the most part that is as good as it gets with me. I do not like looking or planning too far into the future, because as I have learned the future is NOT guarented to any of us.
Quote of the day: What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I spent a good part of today doing all sorts of chores. However, during the lunch hour, I went to visit Ann's mother, Mary. I wanted to say good-bye to Mary before I leave town on Sunday and I also wanted to give her a gift or two in person. Certainly I could have just left Mary's gifts with Ann and could have rationalized that I was too busy to make the time to see her. However, as I turn to Emerson's quote, I reflect on the last four words.... what lies within us! These are powerful words, because it is what lies within us that serves as our compass and moral guide. At the end of the day, I am happy I went to visit Mary, and let her know that she wouldn't be seeing me for a while. Naturally she may not remember this, but again this isn't the point. In many ways the holidays do not mean the same thing to Mary as they once did. I relate to this intensely. She isn't only contending with the loss of her son, but she is dealing with the complexities associated with her neurological disease. Both are losses and require a huge adjustment. In the recent years, I have had the opportunity to spend several holidays with Mary at Ann's house, and at those events we tend to stick together. I think people assume because Mary is older that she is used to losses and these are just natural. However, if you ask Mary questions about the loss of her son or the loss of her physical mobility, she will actually have a lot to say on both matters. I will miss my time with Mary this season, but I know she also understands why I can't celebrate the holidays with her family.
Today was Ann's youngest daughter's birthday. Naturally that is a happy occasion but for me, it brought about sadness. Certainly not for Abbie, but for the simple fact that I will never see Mattie turn 10 years old. Mattie died at age 7, yet his friends are all turning 10 this year. Life continues, yet not for us. I have missed seeing Mattie turn 8 AND 9 AND 10!!!! In a way I have to keep myself in check because my feelings can take over and make me irrational. I try never to intentionally misdirect my feelings, but there are moments I want to SCREAM.
While everyone is happy, celebrating birthdays, and upcoming holiday gatherings, I am left to reflect on the fact that my family has a deep and lasting hole that will be forever present in our lives. Some of you may be reading this and saying..... that makes perfect sense and I am being too hard on myself! That may be true, but on the other hand it makes it very difficult to sometimes function in the real world. It is hard not to feel bitter, resentment, and feel as if others can't possibly understand how I am feeling. How do all these feelings get resolved and How can I have a friendship with people who have children Mattie's age? I DON'T KNOW! But I do know that friends who do not acknowledge my feelings or understand how all these missed opportunities could potentially make me feel, only magnifies the pain. As human beings we have the basic need to be understood, heard, and appreciated and having a friend grieving the loss of a child is hard on a relationship. Because it requires much more reassurance, communication, and openness to honest dialogue and feelings. My feelings are my feelings and I can't change them, but how others respond to these feelings is what can make the night and day difference in dealing with pervasive grief. NOT responding and NOT acknowledging my pain and heartache only makes matters worse. Talking about it will NOT cause pain, the pain is already THERE!
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