Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was home between treatments and we were sitting in his bedroom working on a puzzle. At that point Mattie was only three months into treatment and his room was somewhat organized at that point. However, quickly his room evolved into something that looked more like a warehouse. One of the things Mattie loved was puzzles. We really did not need to teach Mattie how to do a puzzle, he seemed to have an innate ability to assemble them! As I look at this photo tonight I realize how different Mattie's room has now become after the months of transformation. Am I proud of the work Peter and I did on Mattie's room? YES, but at the core, I wish I never had to do it.
Quote of the day: Those who are happiest are those who do the most for others. ~ Booker T. Washington
I went to visit my friends Tina and Heidi today. Both of them had their final candy collections for me. The beauty of what I picked up today, besides the quantity, was that it was all sorted!!! Transporting candy is no easy feat because it weighs quite a bit in bulk, but to receive it sorted is a major gift. I can officially say that today was my last day of sorting candy! I have two more collections that I am waiting for, but these collections will come to me sorted. Therefore I think it is safe to say that for 2013, I am done with sorting. I just can't believe it and I particularly can't get over how much candy was sorted!! I am terrible at estimating weight, but by this weekend we will start calculating poundage. All I know is the candy seems to be taking up MUCH MORE real estate than last year!!! To my candy sorters (Heidi, Isabel, Leslie, Faye, Tanja, Katharina, Tina, Carolyn, Ilona, Abbie, and Shayla) a BIG THANK YOU!!! I could not have done this without you and I mean that sincerely.
This evening while sitting in Mattie's room typing on the computer, I heard someone whistling to me outside the window. I knew exactly who it was, it was my neighbor JP, with his dog JJ in tow. This is my first week working at a desk by the window in Mattie's room. So it is very easy to see me if passing by our window. Once I heard the whistle, I stood up and opened Mattie's window and began chatting from the window to my neighbor. Of course JJ was happy to see me and came right into our deck space and started walking around. JJ and Mattie were good buddies and I suspect a part of JJ will always be looking for Mattie. Neither one of us have truly accepted this loss.
I think one of the biggest changes in our lives after Mattie died, is the loss and connection to others. We lead a much more isolated and secluded life now. I suppose there are many reasons for this, first of which is our original social circle all has children in it. Typically children bring couples together, without Mattie now, the impetus to get together dwindles. But also I think a part of the seclusion occurs for self protection purposes. We are different, we know we are different, and in order to avoid further pain and reminders, we separate ourselves from others. I think as holidays approach the need for disengagement increases exponentially. As I walk around town now, I can't help but see Christmas trees popping up, ornaments, and the discussion of parties and plans. All very difficult discussions and sights for me, even four years after Mattie died. Some aspects of loss do not get easier, they only get harder as the reality sinks in and the hopes and plans for the future melt away.
Needless to say, I enjoyed JP's visit tonight. In all reality I am a very social person and I think it is ironic while sitting in Mattie's room that I should be connected to the outside world in this way. It seems so symbolic, since while I was raising Mattie I met so many people. Though Mattie is not with me now, his window in his room serves as a way for me to connect with those around me. Mattie is still working his magic in my life.
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