Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. We took Mattie out to California that holiday season to visit my parents. In the backyard were orange, lemon, and grapefruit trees. Mattie joined me as I picked the fruits off the trees. However as you can see Mattie was absolutely fascinated by the fruit. To him they looked like colored balls. In addition to examining each piece, Mattie also tried sorting them by color and shape.
Quote of the day: Our attitudes control our lives. Attitudes are a secret power working twenty-four hours a day, for good or bad. It is of paramount importance that we know how to harness and control this great force. ~ Tom Blandi
Our attitudes can really make us or break us on all sorts of issues. Since Mattie's blog focuses on our grief journey since his death, it is grief attitudes that I am particularly interested in here. How a parent copes with a child's death is very attitude driven. Like all attitudes they can wax and wane. Some days our attitude and outlook are better than others, and then there are time periods in the sea of grief, when things seem bleak and those around us exacerbate our negativity. I find going through the loss of Mattie has given me great insights and from them I know what helps me and what sets me off. In fact, I feel these insights could help and support other parents who also lost a child.
With that said, I wish I did not have to lose Mattie to gain such knowledge. But it is indeed knowledge that unfortunately not everyone possesses. I wish that others simply understood what I needed or would be sensitive to wanting to find out. With an emphasis of FINDING OUT!!! But I guess without the direct pain and insights of living a grieving parent's nightmare 24/7, it is hard to know what to do, say, or how to help. I think the key though is NOT to assume you know how a grieving parent feels and to give this person the opportunity to share feelings, yes even after the first year of grieving! Our society has some sort of sick association with the first anniversary of a child's death. In that after the first year, magic takes over and everything returns to equilibrium. However, that is incorrect and things certainly never return to the way they were.
Today I had the opportunity to have lunch with my friend Tina. Tina and I are both foodies and we love trying news things, sharing foods, and discussing them. After lunch I went back to Tina's house and got to see her Christmas tree and its beautiful and sentimental decorations. Like me, Tina gives great thought to how her tree is decorated. Each ornament has significance to her children, family, and the times they spent together. It was like a living visual history of her family. In my perspective it was stunning. We chatted about the tree, memories with the ornaments, and of course with each ornament I learned more about my friend. It was a lovely interchange. After we talked Tina then asked me if I decorate for Christmas, guessing that I probably didn't anymore. Somehow addressing this topic of decorating made me very sad and made me cry. Though this is a sad commentary, what I appreciated was being asked and also being understood for how difficult a time of year this is. Most of the times, I am surrounded by moms who are talking about the holidays, what they are doing with their children, presents, and the list goes on. How does a grieving parent process all of this? Not well without having friends who want to listen and process this. Again it comes down to attitudes. Some days it is easier to manage this than others, but at the core, for parents who lost a child, especially an only child, it is hard not to become bitter, jealous, and angered over how life has been transformed against our will. A transformation that can't be fully appreciated (thankfully!!!!) without going through it.
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