Monday, October 9, 2017

Monday, October 9, 2017

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. This was before we knew that Mattie's cancer status was terminal. That day Mattie was at clinic receiving his experimental treatment. While waiting around, Mattie naturally gravitated to the art table. As you can see he had a ton of supplies in front of him. Which was typical for Mattie. Next to Mattie was Katie (one of his outstanding HEM/ONC nurses) and Jocelyn (his buddy who also had osteosarcoma). Both Mattie and Jocelyn lost their battle to osteosarcoma. Mattie died at age 7, and Jocelyn at age 31. Despite the age difference, they were good friends and I very much appreciated Jocelyn's presence around Mattie, because he felt that she truly understood how he felt. 


Quote of the day: Walking alone is not difficult but when we have walked a mile worth a thousand years with someone then coming back alone is what is difficult. ~ Faraaz Kazi

Tonight's quote is spot on! The sentiments of the quote take me back to the day Mattie died at the hospital. I can still remember the feeling of entering the hospital as a family of three and then several days later after Mattie died we left for home as only two. Peter and I walked a journey with Mattie for seven years and certainly there were times as a parent when you feel alone. However, the isolation and feelings of being alone are magnified ten fold when you lose a child to cancer. We know what it was like to walk alongside our child, and now we have had to figure out a way to walk without him.

The reality of our loss is ever present, but when other losses occur, these deaths bring to the surface all our painful feelings. Around Mattie's birthday in 2014, Peter and I went to Florida. We always travel on Mattie's birthday, mainly because no one is going to celebrate his birthday with us, and instead of dealing with the emotions that evoke, we leave town. While on our trip, I received a phone call two days before Mattie's birthday. The call was from Jocelyn's mom, Laurie. Laurie wanted me to know that Jocelyn died and lost her battle to osteosarcoma. Needless to say I was shocked. Shocked because I did not realize Jocelyn's situation was terminal and second, Mattie loved Jocelyn and considered her a wonderful buddy in cancer. In this photo, you see a card that is propped up next to my desk lamp. This card was given to all of us at Jocelyn's celebration of life service. I look at that card daily. While at this service in 2014, Laurie (Jocelyn's mom) told me she was diagnosed with leukemia. This weekend, we learned that Laurie lost her battle. So now Jocelyn's family has lost Jocelyn and Laurie to cancer.

I naturally knew Jocelyn better than Laurie. As I saw Jocelyn often in clinic and she and Mattie had a beautiful friendship. I will never forget when Jocelyn tried to normalize Mattie's fears about his first limb salvaging surgery. No one could have done it better. She had a way of taking something so serious and making light of it. For example, she knew Mattie was scared about his surgery. Unlike Mattie, Jocelyn's leg was amputated. But Mattie did not realize that until Jocelyn popped her prosthetic off. You might think that was scary, but she made it is humorous and as a result Mattie began to see that even if something happened to his leg, he would be able to function.... after all look at Jocelyn. 

One day while in the clinic, Laurie came with Jocelyn for her infusion. So I had the opportunity to meet Laurie. Since the clinic was small, it would be impossible not to observe one another, and apparently Laurie was able to watch Mattie and me interact. The next time I was in clinic, Jocelyn came up to me and handed me a gift bag. The gift was from her mom to me. She said her mom wanted me to know that she thought about me and wanted me to know I was loved. The gift she gave me was this lime green mug from Starbuck's in the photo above. I still have and use this mug today. It always reminded me of our time together in the clinic, and how Jocelyn's mom and I shared a common bond... the loss of our children. I am saddened to know that the giver of this mug is no longer alive with me. For me, Mattie's death is so intertwined with Jocelyn's and now Laurie's.

This is a photo of Jocelyn's youngest sister, Hannah, with Laurie (her mom).

A photo of Laurie with her two surviving daughters and her grandson.