Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008, at Mattie's 6th birthday party. It was an exciting year for Mattie, because he entered kindergarten and transitioned beautifully into his new school. He made solid friendships and in fact, his entire class and many of his preschool friends were invited to his bowling party. The theme that year was Scooby Doo! A favorite of Mattie's. In fact, do you see that Scooby Mystery Machine (the car) on the cake? Well that car sits on display in my office to this day! What you may not be able to tell from this photo was by that point in the party, Mattie had developed a fever and wasn't himself. Of course, when he got home, he took a nap on the couch. I did not think much of it, other than Mattie was sick, but would get better. But the reality was three months after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer.
Quote of the day: No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don't. ~ Stephen King
It is 10:20pm, and I am finally sitting still for the day. It was another whirlwind of a day. I am sure if you are reading this, you maybe wondering.... what on earth keeps her so busy caring for two 89 year old's? It is hard to describe, but all I know is I hit the ground running in the morning and I don't stop until my parents are in bed. This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom into the city for her to get her hair done. While at the salon, I brought a book along with me, because my goal was to have a moment of peace, where I wasn't entertaining someone.
I have been on and off with this particular book. Well more OFF than on! Why? Well it is a book that highlights 65 case studies of women in long term marriages, whose husbands left them and demanded a divorce. Like me, these women had no idea this was going to happen. In a way, if I hadn't experienced this personally, I am quite certain in the back of my mind, I would be saying...... these women must have missed the signs? There must have been issues? But like these 65 stories point out, the answer is NO, there were NO signs and YES this can happen.
There are commonalities in all the stories. Which is eerie. It almost reads like a script from one case study to the next. Truthfully, some of the contexts are different, but here are the commonalities..... 1) how a wife is bluntly told.... I'm leaving, 2) the change in personality from a warm, loving, and doting spouse, to someone who is cold, distant, and emotionless, 3) the rewriting of history and blaming the wife, and 4) no insight, appreciation, or understanding for the devastation this abandonment has caused the wife.
I read ten chapters of this book, and these commonalities jumped right off the pages. I know sometimes putting a name to an issue is helpful and sometimes it is less isolating knowing that others are experiencing or going through something similar to us. Ironically for me neither resulted from reading this book. The only thing I felt from these ten chapters was sadness for these women, knowing how their lives have been decimated. Of course, the overarching theme of the book, is that positive things can result from this abandonment..... a quest for self discovery and a better life. TRUTHFULLY, REALLY!!???????????????
If you have read this blog long enough, then you know immediately how I reacted to this positivity! I am not against positivity, but what I am not a fan of is trying to always find the silver lining in a sea of devastation. Which maybe why I dislike the term post traumatic growth (you can see my two cents on this in the March 4, 2025 blog posting). Sometimes devastation is just that.... devastation. I also am not a fan of thinking one has to go through a crisis to grow, to gain resources, to become more compassionate or you fill in the blank____________. On the contrary, here's the reality, some times devastation is just that, there is no sugar coating it, and the discussion truthfully should center around the journey of survival, how one can find the will to continue living, and finding a way forward? That is where the discussion needs to be, that is the key, because when devastated, you aren't saying to yourself.... wow, now that this has happened to me, let me see how I can learn, grow, and evolve from this! I am quite certain I could have grown, evolved, and developed as a person without losing my son and now my husband. So spare me the positivity, to me it is a turn off.
When hurting, we need to be met where we are, and where we are, isn't always a place most people are comfortable visiting. I know this place quite well, it is a place I am very accustomed to living, given Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death. I will always remember how people I knew who would run the other way in a store to avoid having to interact with me after Mattie died. I carry that with me always, and once again, I face issues most people can't process, understand, and certainly have no idea how to help. There are NO FIXES, instead, helping someone dealing with long standing trauma, grief, and loss is to just be there, or to be reminded... YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
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