Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2009. This was Mattie's 7th and last birthday. We invited a handful of friends to Mattie's hospital party and of course, Brandon (pictured here) was top on the list. Brandon was Mattie's best friend in cancer. Despite their age difference, they got along like peaches and cream. Brandon was diagnosed with cancer around the same time as Mattie, but by the point this photo was taken, Brandon was off of treatment. Despite being done with treatment, Brandon visited the hospital often and always made time for his buddy Mattie. These two understood each other and frankly Mattie enjoyed Brandon's company. Which I assure you was a blessing, because for the most part, Mattie shut people out of his life. Mattie was excited about the party and spent the entire morning in the child life playroom decorating it and planning on the games he wanted to play with his friends. Mattie was actually emotionally fragile, which was why I appreciated Brandon's presence at the party. Brandon had an innate understanding for how to mitigate issues and support Mattie without making it look obvious! I learned a lot from their special friendship!
Quote of the day: I told her once I wasn’t good at anything. She told me survival is a talent. ~ Susanna Kaysen
This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I came home, and chatted with my mom while she was having breakfast. Then at noon, a nurse visited to assess my mom for in-home physical therapy. Years ago I concluded that my dad would no longer benefit from going to the clinic for therapy, and I have now made the same conclusion for my mom. Many reasons for this, but top on the list is her memory, followed by how stressful it is to get her out of the door in the morning for a physical therapy appointment at the hospital. Therefore, all her therapy will now be in-home based. Thankfully she can do this every couple of months and she loves the therapist that has worked with her since 2023. I have met this nurse once before, when she previously assessed my mom. She is an absolute love of a person, someone who clearly LOVES people, enjoys engaging with them and their family, and to me is a rare find.
I continued reading more of the book I mentioned yesterday. I read through several more case studies today of women whose husbands left them. All the observations I made in yesterday's blog posting apply to the cases I read today. However, in one of the cases, it triggered a memory I had as a child.
When I was in middle school, I remember my dad coming home one night and telling my mom and grandmother about a friend of his who was divorcing his wife. I knew this man and his family. As a child, I was absorbing what was being said, how it was said, and the reactions. When my mom asked why this man was divorcing his wife, my dad said (and understand I remember it like it was yesterday)..... He told me he OUTGREW his wife! My mom and grandmother laughed at first and then had a harsh reaction to that statement. The statement and their reaction were burned into my mind. Why did they have a strong reaction? For many reasons. First off, this couple was married for over 30 years! Second, they appeared happy and no one had an inkling that anything was wrong in their relationship, but third and most importantly, my grandmother was a devout Catholic. She believed one married for love of course, but for life. 'Death do us part,' was a sacred vow made in a church.
But moving passed the moral convictions, one has to ask psychologically how does someone OUTGROW or STOP LOVING someone after decades of commitment? I mention this because such a question was asked in one of the chapters I read today. I am sure if I asked this question to each of you, you may have a different response. But here is my response. I do not believe for ONE SECOND that one spouse can OUTGROW the other or can STOP LOVING the other after years together. What I do think however is this is a cop out, to avoid the actual work, time, and honesty that are needed to address issues. These are trite words that are said, because it is far easier to flippantly say this, move on, and start a new life. It's like running away from a problem. But here's the thing, and I learned this with child loss, you can remove me from the context, you can remove me from the place, you can even remove me from Mattie's belongings and photos, but at the end of the day, ALL OF THESE memories travel with me. Meaning, experiences, memories, love, and a life lived together are a part of you, and you can try to put them in a mental box and lock it away, but emotions are like whack a mole. You beat an emotion down, but after a while, if not processed and the real work isn't done to address it, UP IT POPS! Not just pops, but explodes.
So to me when a spouse says they have OUTGROWN the other or better yet as mentioned in this book chapter, that her spouse still loved her but was NO LONGER in love with her, I shook my head. I never viewed myself as ever getting a divorce. It isn't part of my lexicon, it isn't part of my moral upbringing, and most of all it isn't part of my character. My character is about loyalty, love, and commitment. When I made a vow, it was forever. I could never see myself hurting someone I love in this way, ever. In fact, I fall on the opposite end of the spectrum, because if I knew I have hurt someone, I would do whatever it took to repair the damage. That maybe why my brain can't process how one spouse could leave another without trying every option to work through perceived issues, and work takes TIME and EFFORT.
For the most part, the chapters I read seemed to overlap the other. The editor of this book clearly wanted to provide hope to its readers, which is why there is a somewhat positive spin on this misery. But that said, two of the chapters were down right honest. One woman said it.... I don't want a new normal, I want my old normal back, and another woman said she was five years into the loss, and was still trying to stabilize her life. Now that to me is far more realistic, because when you are the one surprised, left behind, and discarded by the one person you trusted the most in the world, things don't improve overnight. Instead, this does irreparable damage on one's identity, on one's ability to trust anyone, and to find one's way in the world.
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