Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. Mattie had turned six years old and that year he had two birthday cakes. One at his party and the second was a small ice cream cake for just the three of us. I grew up on Carvel ice cream cakes for my birthday, and I wanted to pass along the tradition to Mattie. The beauty of a Carvel cake is it has vanilla and chocolate ice cream layers. Mattie HATED chocolate, and LOVE it. So I would cut my vanilla layer out of my cake and give it to Mattie, and I would pull out his chocolate layer and eat it. We complemented eat other in every way!
Quote of the day: Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. ~ Lao Tzu
When Mattie died, weekends became very complicated times. Why? Because when he was alive, we made weekend plans, we had adventures, walks, schedule playdates, parties, gatherings, and school events. However, all those things came to a screeching halt when he died. It was like our entire world as we knew it ended, yet we were still alive, we were still breathing, but floundering and different. We were different because most people couldn't relate to our pain and loss.
Though my circumstances are quite different now, that floundering feeling remains. Except now it is exacerbated by caregiving. I do not live a normal life and haven't for decades. My life isn't just one trauma and loss, it is filled with multiple traumatic events that have built upon one another. The lack of structure on weekends is hard and the demands for caregiving are ever present.
Easter was last Sunday, and I finally pushed myself to gather all my Easter decorations up, wrap them, and store them for the year. The way I am feeling, I could have left Easter up indefinitely. I am still struggling with carpal tunnel issues, but I have to get things done around this house, so resting is not on my list.
Each day I wake up thinking.... will the reality of what has happened to me change? Will things make sense? This is the first time in my life where I just can't accept what is happening, mainly because I know my marriage, I knew the person I was married to, and I knew the truth about our life together. I just can't understand how someone I spent my entire adult life with could leave me managing my parents, caring for a house, paying bills, and countless other issues alone! I am signing off for today, in hopes that tomorrow is a better day.
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