Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That day we took him to a beautiful garden in Maryland. The garden had this wonderful fountain and pond, and Mattie spotted fish in it. So he hopped up on the ledge to check it out. When I tell you there were many many adventures with Mattie Brown, I am not kidding you! He brought a whole new dimension to my life and though I was only a mom for seven years, I would not have traded those moments for anything.
Quote of the day: Your greatest influence might come from the things that once broke you. ~ Jeff Brown
For the past several nights, Indie the cat, has been following me upstairs to my bedroom. She wants her own time and attention and literally is now spending four hours or so on the bed with me while I am sleeping. This is very unusual for her. Remember Indie wasn't really bonded with me. She was my husband's cat, while Sunny, was clearly my pooch. Any case, once my husband left, Indie quickly learned that she had to hitch her wagon to me. It has been a very interesting transition to experience. If you have any doubt that animals grieve, I can assure you they do! I saw it with Patches, our calico cat when Mattie died, and I saw it with JJ, my neighbor's Jack Russell terrier, who was depressed and wouldn't eat after Mattie's death. Animals are very sensitive creatures and they are deeply in tune to their humans ups and downs.
When Mattie died, Patches spent hours sleeping on Mattie's pillows and bed each day. This was very unusual because, she never did this while he was alive. JJ the dog, would come visit me every afternoon. I would find him outside my front door, sitting on the stoop. When I would open the door, he would come inside and head immediately for Mattie's room. Keep in mind, he never did that before. One day, he left Mattie's room with a sandal in his mouth. He carried Mattie's sandal back to his home and his owner told me that JJ slept next to that sandal each night for months!
As for Indie, she has studied my patterns. After I finish my daily routine and sit on the couch at night to watch TV with my parents, Indie comes from wherever she is in the house, to sit on the arm of the couch, right next to me. She is looking to be petted and to have me close to her. I am so glad she is a part of my life, especially after losing Sunny and then my husband.
This morning was another winner! As soon as I opened my eyes, I could see there were several emails I had to address immediately. One thing is clear, I have become a person who knew nothing about bill paying and cash flow, to now being fully informed and quite capable of balancing budgets and managing our whole household's finances. This week, I have had to advocate for myself on many fronts and this morning, I was able to get several issues resolved. However, while I felt good about that, it was short lived. Why? Because today, our pool was opened for the season. I was tempted not to open it at all, but I realize that would do greater damage to the pool. Any case, multiple things are wrong with it and I was presented with six major issues and estimates for each. Truly I was ready to jump out the window. But then I rationalized to myself, took a deep breath and began to figure out how I can balance all these expenses.
Later in the morning, my dad's physical therapist arrived and while she arrived, I got a call from an out of state police department. They were calling me regarding a family member. I have to say at first I was very confused.... how did the police get my land line number, and even more surprising that I was the point of contact. Any case, though I may be in another state, I managed that issue as if I was next door!
By the afternoon, to manage all my various stressors, I went to the backyard, with my clippers and greens barrel in tow. I did a ton of weeding and removed a dead rhododendron bush. Literally there is never an end to weeding in my backyard. But that is okay, it is my therapy. That said, I am keenly aware that I would prefer to stick to my daily structure, routine, and garden time, and altering from this pattern is anxiety provoking. I recall this feeling all too well, because when Mattie died, I was so traumatized that functioning was difficult. I landed up watching Hallmark movies and doing craft projects daily. That was my routine. The only reason I am so productive now, is because my parents rely on me, otherwise, I can see it would be easy to curl up in a ball and retreat. How I am feeling now is not as surprising at all to me because of the many lessons I learned about trauma and grief from Mattie's death. As I always say..... Mattie was my greatest teacher.
No comments:
Post a Comment