Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old and playing with one of his favorite things.... a cardboard box. Mattie loved all boxes, but big ones like this one really piqued his interest. The many play schemes he would create with boxes always made me chuckle. The reason this photo is blurry was because Mattie was moving in the box, making it hard to focus. But you get the gist! Life with Mattie was NEVER boring.
Quote of the day: Betrayal is difficult to process. It is difficult to understand, even on the most basic level. ~ Jon Bush
As Father's Day is approaching, you can connect the dots and imagine where I am at with this holiday! Mother's Day was ridiculous this year. You would think with the more time that goes by, the more likely my brain could accept and come to terms with my divorce. NOPE, it hasn't happened yet. However, you should keep in mind that Mattie was in my life for 7 years, gone for 16 years, and I still write his blog daily! So you can just imagine the magnitude of loss I feel over my divorce.
With each year that goes by, the loss of Mattie gets more profound. It is hard to describe what this loss feels like or how it evolves with each year. This is something only bereaved parents can intuitively understand and connected on. Now I sit with these feelings alone. I share this forever loss alone, which is why Mother's and Father's days are particularly poignant.
Speaking of fathers, my dad asks me often about my divorce. I realize my dad has Alzheimer's and I put this into context, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt each time he discusses my situation. As I always say to my dad, I wish I could live in his brain for just a day. A day without remembering what has happened to me, both with child loss and my divorce. Of course, I say this LIGHTLY, because Alzheimer's is a horrific disease and I wouldn't wish this upon myself or anyone else for that matter. When I say I take it one day at a time, I am not kidding.
Fortunately this house is a major distraction. As I always say, distractions are the key to survival. Today I dealt with numerous issues all before 11am. Later in the day, I decided to begin painting my side porch. Eventually I need to have the contractor back to deal with the whole porch, which is rotting away. But I can only take on one big project at a time, and the portico was my project for this season. So until I can address the side porch professionally, I decided to power wash the area, scrub it with wine vinegar and I am now doing some painting. So a side porch refresh.
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