Sunday, July 26, 2026Tonight's picture was taken on July 25, 2009. Mattie's child life professional gave Mattie a cake, so that he could give it to me for my birthday. This was our last birthday together. At that point in time, I truly thought we were going to have more time, at least until he faced a cancer relapse. But Mattie's cancer never stabilized, and instead metastasized six weeks off of chemotherapy.
If you think that I have adjusted to life without Mattie and enjoy facing a future without him and grandchildren, you would be very wrong. There is NO amount of time that could pass to make birthdays, holidays, milestones, the daily routine and the future any easier!
Quote of the day: Use empathy and compassion accordingly. People dealing with loss of a loved one may need your support. Probably not me, but most other people. I say probably because I cannot imagine losing my wife or any of my kids. I might need your support after all. ~ Shayne Neal
I took my parents out to brunch today. When I got to our table, Cheryl, our server had it decorated for my birthday. The table was lined with confetti, cards, and gifts! She even gave me a gift card, to help pay for today's meal.
I have known Cheryl since 2021, when my parents moved to Virginia. Since my parents moved in with me, I have taken them to this same restaurant every Sunday for the last five years! Cheryl knew my other half, she knows about Mattie, and she also is well aware of my divorce and caregiving responsibilities.
Though we have celebrated my birthday for two days and my dad sees the cards and gifts, he doesn't realize it is my birthday. Today when we asked him who just celebrated a birthday and why Cheryl decorated our table, my dad's response was..... because it is a president's birthday! My dad knows his own birth date and my mom's, but he has no idea about mine.
In my dad's head, he thinks I am 30, or perhaps younger. I literally laugh, because when my dad was my age, I assure you, he couldn't and wouldn't do half of what I do on any given day. For my dad's sake, he is lucky that I physically did not take after him, because there would be no way I could manage this daily grind, caring for two people alone.
Then of course, as another milestone in my life passes, I find it leaves me sad. Sad that my parents are declining, sad that I lost Mattie, and devastated that my long term marriage dissolved without me even knowing something was wrong. When I juggle tote bags, bathroom trips, and countless needs, I stop and say to myself.... it wasn't supposed to be like this, I was supposed to share this difficult caregiving journey with my other half. It isn't in my nature to turn my back on anyone I love, therefore, my brain just can't compute how it is okay to leave me behind facing the impossible.
