Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was in between treatments and was home from the hospital. Of course being at home never lasted more than a few days, because Mattie typically would become ill with a fever and would need to be admitted. Next to Mattie was his "Haunted Mansion" that he built from tinker toys and ghosts and pumpkins we made together. As you can see, our apartment was getting filled up with all sorts of gifts and toys. Literally by the time Mattie died, our home looked like a warehouse. I had things stacked (up to my waist) around the perimeter of our dining room, living room, and Mattie's room. It took me years to cope with this and eventually have the courage to clean out our home. I can assure you that having to throw out, donate, and organize items that belonged to Mattie was hellish. It is a thing no parent should ever have to do.
Quote of the day: There is no ritual for grieving someone who is still here. No casserole, no card, no closure — just the quiet, daily work of loving what has already begun to leave. ~ Georgia Clare
At 4:20am, the power went out. You wouldn't think I would notice, but I MOST CERTAINLY did! Since Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I sleep with a sound machine that plays the sound of rain. When that sound stops, something in my brain is triggered to wake up. As I was coming to consciousness, I could hear my neighbor's generator turn on and I knew exactly what was going on. I did eventually go back to sleep, but when my alarm went off, I went to turn it off and I was having trouble seeing the print on my phone. At first, I just thought I was blurry eyed, but as I sat at the edge of the bed, I knew exactly what was happening. I was having an ocular migraine in both of my eyes. It is hard to describe this feeling, but you know what it feels like when you stare at the sun and then look away? You see a bright light in your eyes, well that is part of how I felt, but add to that jagged zigzag patterns floating around your eyes! Fortunately I was not out and about or driving. I have had this happen in both cases and naturally in this condition, I can't drive. I have to wait for the feeling to pass.
I remember my first ocular migraine. I literally thought I was having a stroke or was seriously ill. It is downright frightening. Thankfully with consultation from my ophthalmologist and neurologist, I learned that nothing was physically wrong with my eyes. Now, I know what's happening and as soon as I got up, before feeding Indie, I quickly took my migraine rescue medication.
By 12:45pm, my mom still hadn't come downstairs. Her breakfast had been waiting for her for hours, and yet there was no sign of her. My mom can get lost on her phone. I am seeing this more and more. When I say lost, I mean LOST for hours. I now have to keep a closer eye on her, and since we needed to leave the house by 1:15pm, to head to brunch, I went upstairs to help her get herself together. I literally blow dried and styled her hair, so she did not have to.
Meanwhile, Cheryl came into the restaurant for her evening shift and brought me items for the Fall. Cheryl exchanges gifts with us on all holidays and birthdays! Cheryl has given me so many lovely Fall items over these last five years that have added to my collection. Would I decorate if my parents weren't with me? Most likely not! But I do it because it brightens the house and helps orient them to the season.
