Tonight's picture was taken on Thanksgiving of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that November my parents came to visit from California. Back then, our lives were so naive. Naive to the fact that children get cancer and die. It is hard to believe that only two years after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer and three years after this photo was taken, Mattie died.
Quote of the day: And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. ~ Khalil Gibran
Something woke me up at 3am. I was having a disturbing dream, but like so many of my dream, I do not remember the content, just the feelings they evoke. I have no idea when I finally fell back asleep, but getting up this morning wasn't easy. I am chronically exhausted, so much so that not one, two, or three nights of sleep will help. It will take me years to recover from such intense caregiving.
My dad's physical therapist was coming over this morning, so I had to make sure he was up, showered, dressed, and had breakfast before 11am. In order to make that happen, I had to get up at 7am. While he was having his session, I decided to get up the courage to go to my computer and figure out how to create mailing labels from an excel spreadsheet. I face this issue every Fall, when I have to scrub our Foundation database and generate mailing labels for our December mass mailing to supporters. Keep in mind that prior to my divorce I NEVER did this, I may have maintained the database, but I never had to worry about printing out mailing labels. You might say, how hard can it be? Well the answer for me is HARD.
I remember in 2023, when I had to figure this out, I thought I was going to collapse in fear. However, thank goodness for video tutorials and Google! I was able to figure it out in 2023 and 2024. But today, though following the same directions that I saved, I couldn't get my database into mailing label format! It is moments like these that I want to scream, give up, and I feel like I am drowning in a sea of fear. But I rationalized with myself. I figured if I was able to do this two years in a row, I will find a way to figure it out today! I came across a wonderful, simple tutorial by an English man! I literally had his video open and followed it step by step, pausing what he was saying in order to mechanically follow along. Voila.... the labels are now printed. It is the many little things about being divorced that add up to Mt. Everest for me. I miss every aspect of being married and naturally even though I have faced life alone for two years now, I continue to ponder.... how is it possible to leave me?
On another note, one of the movies I used to love at this time of year is, It's a Wonderful Life. In fact, my other half introduced me to it, as I never saw this movie until I was married! Remarkable, no? As it is a classic and I grew up watching countless classics. But this Jimmy Stewart movie transcends time, because of its powerful human message.
I posted the last 8 minutes of the movie below. Basically the movie's main character is a man named George Bailey. George spent his entire life doing good deeds for others and for his family, never putting himself first. One Christmas, his business is in trouble, his house is falling apart, and he has several children to feed and care for.... simply put he is overwhelmed, he feels like his life has no purpose, and that he is a failure to his family. In fact, he feels he is worth more dead than alive. While struggling, and about to commit suicide, his guardian angel, Clarence, saves George (who jumped off a bridge). The movie enables us to go on a special journey with George and Clarence. Through the magic of Clarence's angel ways, Clarence is able to show George how awful the world would have been if he wasn't in! His wife would have never married, his good friend would have gotten arrested, his mom would have lived a harder life financially, and the town would have been run by a controlling and diabolical man. At the end of this journey, George realizes that he really has lived..... a wonderful life. This movie was released in 1946, but at one point or another in all of our lives, we question our existence and have an existential crisis like George!
Why am I mentioning this? Because on Monday, of this week, I received the most beautiful email from my friend, Phyllis. I asked her if it would be okay for me to share her message and she agreed. Phyllis' words came at a very down moment in my life and I believe just like Angel Clarence enabled George to see things differently, Phyllis' words did the same for me. I can get very down moments, as I walk my life's journey now without my two boys in my life. It causes me to wonder at times..... is Mattie Miracle worth it? Is it worth continuing the Foundation alone and am I making a difference? Phyllis' email made me pause and struck me right to the core of my heart. I could go on, but I will let you read it for yourself. Needless to say, I printed out this message and it sits on my desk to refer to on down days.
Vicki, reading your newsletter just reinforces the reality that you are having a profound effect on the world. Only someone with your life experiences, education, and personal skills could blend together that mix and create Mattie Miracle which then sends ripple effects out into the world.
I have this vision of you standing in disbelief like George Bailey at the end of It's a Wonderful Life," while one by one, grateful people come in to tell him how his life has changed theirs for good. While I know you will never actually have a "George" cinematic moment, know that your presence in this world likewise has incalculably changed it for good.
Thankful for you in this season of Thanksgiving......
Love, Phyllis
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