Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. You maybe asking yourself.... what's going on here?! Well Mattie was in the outpatient oncology clinic and he was having a wheelchair race with one of his art therapists. Understand that all of Mattie's art therapists and child life specialist would challenge Mattie to races and games. He thought it was fun and games, but we were all cognizant of the importance of keeping his body moving and building up strength. Remember at that moment in time, we thought Mattie was stable and we were working to transition him back to school that Fall. Of course two months after this photo was taken, we learned that Mattie's cancer metastasized throughout his body.
Quote of the day: I'll tell you something, Harpy," he said, his voice almost a whisper now. "It never even occurred to me that we wouldn't make it. And it never occurred to you that we would. You were just waiting for us to go down in flames. I thought we could get through anything. ~ Kristan Higgins
Last night, I was cleaning up the dinner dishes and about to give my parents dessert. While working around the kitchen, my mom was talking to my dad about his day at the memory care center. The center has now provided me with a daily written account of what my dad does, which is super helpful as we can use this to start conversations with my dad about his day. Without that daily account, I have no idea what my dad does all day, and he has no idea either. As my dad is moving to late stage dementia, he is almost completely living inside his head. It is very hard to get him to talk and he most definitely doesn't like to be asked questions or to have a dialogue.
So back to last night, as my mom was talking to my dad about his day, he snapped. He did not want to hear one more thing from either of us. Meaning, he did not want to hear conversation or talking and then went on to say that he wants to be just left alone and put in a nursing home. THAT IS WHEN I LOST IT! I have given up every aspect of my life to care for my parents and to hear that what I am doing is not even valued or appreciated did not sit well with me. When I say I lost it, it was an internal losing it. I did not lash out, scream, or express my disgust. I did not have to, as my mom gave it to my dad. My dad has NO IDEA what life would look like for him living in a nursing home, and the only thing that intrigues him about a nursing home is that he would live a completely silent and sedentary life.
Any case, I went to bed with all those feelings swirling around in my mind, along with the catastrophic demise of my marriage. It is remarkable how I can function with all this going on. On an aside, you may recall that I tried to join a support group two years ago. I did not make it past two sessions as I did not like how the group was run. I just learned that the group leader killed herself last week. We may all have different viewpoints about suicide, but given that I understand first hand what it is like to lose someone you love, I have great empathy for the pain this woman was in and I am saddened by hearing this news. As I said to fellow group members that I still keep in touch with.... there but for the grace of God go I.
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