Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. This was Mattie with Speedy Red. Mattie wanted a ride-on vehicle for years, as one of our neighbor's had one! However, when Mattie was well, I felt that this was not a realistic purchase! First it was expensive, second, we had no where to store it and third and most importantly, I felt this would be a short lived interest! However, cancer changed my perspective. This gift was Mattie's last wish and therefore we were going to make it happen. Mattie was my "little engineer." He took to driving like a duck to water. He had an intuitive understanding for a gas pedal and brake! Speedy Red brought Mattie happiness, and I will never forget him driving around in our commons area.
Quote of the day: The loss of a sweet and beloved child is a sorrow of which none but those who have suffered can have the least realizing sense; it is unlike that of any other relation; it is not like the tearing off simply of a limb, but unwinding and breaking to pieces the little tendrils that have grown around the heart and become part of one's self. It is the opening of all the feelings, and pouring sorrow in at every pore. ~ Nathaniel R. Stimson
I will never forget September 8, 2009, the day Mattie died. Obviously for many reasons, as it is the day in which my world stopped. Not unlike yesterday's weather, the day that Mattie died was a glorious sunny and non-humid day. It was like the perfect day, and others outside the hospital were moving about as if it was just a regular day. Business as usual for them! I remember NOT getting it! How could my world be totally overhauled and decimated? How could the death of my 7-year-old not be consequential for everyone else around me? Yet that was the reality, which it took me years to come to terms with! A week prior to to Mattie's death we were admitted to the hospital. We entered the hospital as a family of 3, and then left as a family of 2. Now of course, my life has gone from 3, to 2, to 1!
Yesterday and today, involved two visits to the hospital. My dad had to do a follow up brain CT scan yesterday and my mom needed a bone density shot today. So it was a lot of running back and forth to the hospital. The hospital where Mattie was born and diagnosed. I can still picture us leaving the hospital and taking a photo by a tree near the entrance, before putting Mattie in the car to held home. How can that tree still exist, but Mattie and my marriage, don't?
Any case, I was very lucky to be working with outstanding radiology techs yesterday. It took three men to help me get my dad onto a CT scanning table. They were amazing! Kindness and compassion, really make hard situations so much better. Today, while heading to the doctor's office, a young mother with her baby got on the elevator with us. I could have remained quiet, but I didn't! I asked her how old the baby was (2 weeks) and literally out of my mouth, I said..... "how is the baby and how are you doing?" When I tell you this mom was happy I asked about her, I am not kidding. She said, "well you know!" Meaning, she viewed me as a mom. I said, "YES I know, which is why I am asking." She felt overwhelmed and tired. My response to her was she got to the hospital, both of them were dressed, and this is an amazing first step. I told her the only way to manage this incredible responsibility is to take it one day at a time, and that it is okay to ask for support from those in her life. She thanked me for caring, for listening, and for understanding.
It is moments like these that remind me..... yes I was a mom, yes I understand how overwhelmed this new mom felt, and NO I could never have gained this experience without my Mattie! Mattie's life and legacy live on in all my interactions with parents, in all my Foundation work, and of course through the blog and all of you.
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