Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. You really have to love this picture, because it clearly illustrates the fun Mattie generated in the PICU. As you can see, Mattie's right arm was in a sling, because he had surgery on it. In addition, he is clearly hooked up to the IV pump. Yet in his left hand he was holding a water gun, and aiming it directly at Anna, his physical therapist. Anna was holding up a towel to protect herself, because Mattie was soaking her from head to toe. The laughter in the room was memorable, the energy Mattie could produce was contagious, and in essence each one of these adventures strengthened the bond of love between us and the Georgetown University Hospital staff.
Poem of the day: Life Is So Fleeting by Brenda Penepent
Life is so fleeting
And death, so imminent
How can we face this
Challenge alone.
A prayer whispered softly,
“God, please won’t You help me,
Keep my head up
When I’m drowning in pain.”
Hold my hand, please, Lord.
I feel so alone now.
The wall seems so high,
I can’t climb across.
A bird at my window
Sings a song to remind me
That God is listening
And hope is not lost.
So I’ll hold on one more day;
Sometimes just one hour.
I’ll tell myself God cares,
And I’m not alone.
Peter and I began our day by receiving beautifully wrapped mini muffin loaves from our friend Tamra. Tamra wanted us to know she was thinking about us on this holiday weekend. Which indeed made us feel special. In fact, I told Tamra that I recall her visiting us last Memorial day in the hospital. She gave Mattie some lovely and festive flags, and I will try to track down the picture and post it tomorrow night of Mattie last Memorial day after he decorated his wheelchair like Rolling Thunder. For those of you who may not be familiar with Rolling Thunder, I can honestly tell you if you live in Washington, DC, Rolling Thunder leaves a lasting impression on you. Specifically, "Rolling Thunder began in 1987 as a demonstration to bring awareness to the plight of prisoners of war (POW) and to those missing in action (MIA). Rolling Thunder originated when four Vietnam Veterans, exercising the First Amendment "Right to Petition and Assemble," organized the first group of 2500 motorcycles to ride through the streets of Washington, DC. This first Rolling Thunder run was made in an attempt to petition the government to take responsibility for the soldiers that were abandoned after the Vietnam War ended. Today over 250,000 motorcycles ride during the Rolling Thunder Memorial Day weekend observance, held each year in our nation’s capital. Rolling Thunder has evolved to be not only a demonstration for the POW/MIA issue but also a demonstration of patriotism and respect for soldiers and veterans from all wars."
Peter and I had a chance to sit outside on our deck today. We were admiring how things around us are growing leaps and bounds. Peter snapped some pictures of our tomato plants and our Meyer Lemon tree. This lemon tree was sent to me by my sister in law in 2007, for my birthday. It came in the mail as a little sapling. Yet if you look at it today, it is hard to believe it is the same tree. It is robust and producing a vast number of lemon blossoms. The fragrance is intoxicating! In a way, despite living in the heart of the city, we are growing tomatoes, basil, mint, oregano, sage, arugula, green bush beans, and lemons! Somehow with Mattie's death, we both have this great need to turn to nature. We always appreciated plants before, but now it seems to ground us. In the midst of sitting outside, I saw a rare sighting. A monarch butterfly flew right toward me, and then circled around Speedy Red. We have lived in our complex for 15 years, and I can't recall ever seeing a monarch butterfly. I pointed this out to Peter, but then did not say anything else. I felt as if this was a sign from Mattie. Mattie was checking in on us, and unfortunately as quickly as it fluttered into our lives, it fluttered back out just as quickly.
I am sharing three pictures with you tonight from our garden. The picture on the left, you can see my petunias growing, but particularly what you should notice is how tall our tomato plant is getting. When we bought it, it was less than a foot tall. The picture on the right shows the beautiful lemon blossoms which fill our deck with an amazing fragrance.
Left: Peter captured a very interesting finding within our lemon tree. A spider has built an extensive web right inside the tree. Mattie would have found this very exciting to watch, so in honor of Mattie, Peter snapped a picture.This afternoon, Peter and I went to Ann's house. Ann has two of her cousins visiting and Mary (Ann's mom) was also over for dinner. One of Ann's cousins, Margaret, in 80 years old, however, when you look at her and talk with her, you wouldn't guess she is that old. She has a lot of life to her, and honestly she makes 80 look easy, which I of course know it is NOT! Margaret and I had a wonderful conversation together after dinner. Margaret was telling me about a book she read that was written by a medical doctor. In essence the premise of the book is that the doctor learned that true happiness and fulfillment in life isn't gained through material possessions. I explained to Margaret that I believe wholeheartedly in this doctor's philosophy, and I told her since I experienced Mattie's cancer and death, that I have learned that at the end of the day material things don't matter. What matters is the connections you have made with people. Margaret and I both live our lives helping others, and we found that we had this in common. We talked about friendships and how some times friendships can be one sided or even conditional. Therefore, we both agreed that when you find a friend where the level of care and concern is mutual, that is a true blessing. It is a very powerful force to have an unconditional friendship and I was happy Margaret and I could discuss this and she could share her years of wisdom with me.
We all had a wonderful dinner together. I had the treat of having sangria tonight. I recall my Dad making sangria for family parties when I was growing up. I was too young to drink it, but the process fascinated me and I particularly loved the fragrance of all the fresh citrus fruits in the drink. Funny how certain things can jog your memory. So to me, having sangria was special and Ann also had olives and apple pie for dessert. Two of my favorite things.
I would like to end tonight's posting with three messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "As I said before, I am not surprised by the "letdown" after the walk. It took so much of your time and energy but it gave you a focus for your emotions and now that it is completed, you are without a place to direct your energies. The only solution for that is to sit with your feelings, acknowledge them and not judge them and then decide what you want to do next. I don't know for certain why you were focused on the memory of managing Mattie's pain but often emotional pain is reflected in physical pain and perhaps your own grief found a "physical outlet" in remembering what Mattie suffered. You did so much for him, managed his pain, his life, his well being, and now you need a replacement focus for your energies. I hope you find something that will challenge you and use your wonderful people skills. As I honor my fallen friends this weekend, warriors all, I will add a prayer for Mattie and all the other children who also fought and died courageously; they too are warriors. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Denise. Denise wrote, "I was so very disappointed that I was unable to attend the walk last week. However, Marisa, Dave and Brian shared their wonderful experiences with me and of course I follow the blog and have enjoyed the pictures. I also had the opportunity to see Peter's TV interview on Sunday morning-he did a fantastic job. He was articulate, knowledgeable and genuine. The work you have both done with the MMCF is awe-inspiring. And it makes complete sense that you are having a bit of a let-down experience right now. It is our body's way of renewing and rejuvenating itself so that you have energy for the next set of tasks ahead!! On another note, I met with Rebecca Dedmond and a doctoral student and the president of CSI-whose first name is Elise-and was at the walk. I am going to do a workshop for them on "Caring for the Caregiver"-self-care for the therapist. Anyway, I was explaining my involvement with GWU to Elise and of course your name came up as part of my discussion. I shared with her how I enjoyed speaking in your classes and the energy in your classes. I shared with them my very visual memory of your students gathered around you with questions and reflections and how you interacted with each one. As an educator and as Mattie's mother, you have touched far more people than you will ever know. You are in my thoughts and heart often and I wish you comfort and strength. Do what you can each day, pay attention to your body and rest. Hopefully, we can schedule that lunch date when you are ready."
The third message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "I imagine it is hot in DC as it will be here. I hope that Peter and you will get a chance to take a stroll on Roosevelt Island or someplace near the water. Whatever you do this weekend, please let yourself have some down time. Thank you for printing Christine's comments and sending my email to her. It reminds me of something that Jon Bon Jovi said last night at his Concert. We all need each other now! How true. As we've discussed, if people could only trust and help each other, we would achieve 'tikun olam.' In Judaism, this means heal the world. Globally, we don't see the media covering the work of many as this doesn't make news. That is what made Fox 5's coverage very special with their reports. They are a great ally for the Foundation. I continue to enjoy the pictures and identifications from the walk and especially your introductions as they enhance my understanding and appreciation for your tremendous heart. I am so glad that you were able to clean up your closets. This is another way that you can process your grief, one day at a time. You are beginning with the things that you can put away. You are noticing and responding to the chaos that your life became during Mattie's illness and death. The Walk and all of its preparation kept you focused and connected to Mattie. It is so natural a response that you are tired and without a purpose, for now. As you replenish your energy by taking time for yourself and attending to all of your mundance acts of life, you will find ways to attend to your clutters. Keeping up with the blog and gently returning to everyday activities does take a lot of energy. You will do it in your own time."
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