This picture was taken in September of 2008. It was prior to Mattie's surgeries. Behind me is a syringe pump, so clearly Mattie was receiving some kind of medication. I was exhausted as you can see from the picture, and Peter captured Mattie in motion and smiling. The motto for this picture should be..... You just can't keep a good boy down!
Poem of the day: Be happy for me by Maureen Sheridan
I'm sliding along a rainbow, and the feeling as I glide
So free from my pain and suffering,
And the tears I tried to hide
I'm gliding along a rainbow, and my heart bursting with glee
It's a truly joyous journey
So be happy that I am free.
I'm gliding along on a rainbow, and at last am laughing loud
The colours just get brighter, oh look, I've passed a cloud.
I'm gliding on a rainbow, so young and so carefree,
And as I look I smile cause there's a bluebird following me.
I'm gliding along on a rainbow, and am singing my favorite song,
So dry your tears, be happy for me and try to sing along.
As I glide along the rainbow, I see the light has grown,
So keep me warmly in your hearts, as I enter my new home.
Tonight's poem makes me wonder. Do I believe that Mattie is gliding along on a rainbow and wanting me to be happy for him? Perhaps if you asked me this two years ago, and we were discussing an expected and more natural death, I most likely would have given credence to this poem, and believed it were possible. I most likely would have said, YES! However, there is nothing natural about a six year old being diagnosed with terminal cancer. There is nothing natural in seeing your child suffer immense pain, and fight death. So do I believe the premises of this poem, the answer at the moment is NO! Not only do I have trouble believing this, but I have to say I find NO comfort at all thinking about Mattie entering a "new home." Maybe this means I am narrow minded or maybe this is just my anger impacting my thoughts. Nonetheless, as we enter the 37th week that Mattie has been gone from our lives, I am left with more questions than answers, and a lot more doubts than peace about the future.
Somehow Ann realized that I needed some sort of direction and task today. So she text messaged me with three items she wanted me to try to locate for one of the end of the school year parties she is planning. So that was the first step to getting me out of the house. I had the opportunity to spend time with Ann's children today as well as Katharina. This is their last week of school, and somehow as the last week approaches, I find that their excitement saddens me. Not that I am upset for them, I am very happy for them, and naturally understand that teachers and students all need a break by this point in the year. But the end of the school year signifies to me the unofficial start of summer. The first summer without Mattie! I am directionless on a good day, but the beginning of summer signifies an even deeper loss for me. It is a time for families to connect and for vacations to be planned. Somehow to me this summer symbolizes more isolation.
When I got home this evening, Peter and I went for a walk. I was in no mood to cook dinner, so instead we had dinner by the water. We are both feeling about the same, so our level of conversation to the casual observer might have sounded depressing. But for Peter and I, it only further connects us, because we truly understand how the other is feeling. I am not expecting sugar and light, and I don't mind hearing about his sadness because I do not think there is a prescribed set amount of time for healing (if that is possible) to take place. In fact, I remember when studying diagnosis and treatment planning at the University, we would always hear about this magic time period when bereavement would subside and healing would begin. The magic number was two years. Maybe there is something to be said about this two year time frame, I can't say at the moment, but I honestly believe parents will always carry the death of a child within them. While Peter and I were having dinner, we were looking over at Roosevelt Island (which was across the way from where we were sitting). Peter pointed for me to look, and what we noticed was a deer came from the island into the water to cool down. It was an amazing sight, and a rare sight. While eating, mallard ducks came up to us, and birds were flying overhead. Not to mention air traffic overhead as planes were making their final approach to Reagan National Airport. Needless to say these would have been sights that would have given great joy to Mattie! As I was eating, I could see parents with their children in tow, and all I could think was why me/Peter? Why Mattie?
As promised, I have attached some more pictures with the Mattie Miracle Pediatric Cancer Walk. I have plenty of them to share and I hope you enjoy these!
Left: Peter giving his greeting to all attendees on behalf of the Foundation.
Right: After I said a few words, I then introduced Sean Swarner. Before Sean started talking, he gave me a hug. Sean is a very sensitive and compassionate individual, and this comes shining through in his presentations and how he interacts with people.
Left: Sean delivering his message of HOPE!Right: Some of my readers may recall me mentioning Mary and Mike. They live near Ann, and are RCC parents. Mary took her daughters around town to post up flyers about the Mattie Miracle Walk. You may recall that Emily always refers to Mattie as "her friend," even though they did not know each other that well. Any case, Jeff (our friend and photographer!) captured Mary and her family. Pictured from left to right are Emily, Abby, Mary, and Mike.
Left: People of all ages participated in this year's Walk. I love the picture of the strollers! Pictured here are two RCC moms, whose children went to preschool with Mattie. From left to right are Grace, Jane, and two of Peter's colleagues from Arthur Andersen, John and Bill.
Charlie sent me this article today in light of what I had discussed in the blog on Sunday. I am posting it here in case you are interested in reading it!
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Scientists prove even the thought of money spoils enjoyment
(PhysOrg.com) -- The idea that money does not buy happiness has been around for centuries, but now scientists have proven for the first time that even the thought of money reduces satisfaction in the simple pleasures of life.
(PhysOrg.com) -- The idea that money does not buy happiness has been around for centuries, but now scientists have proven for the first time that even the thought of money reduces satisfaction in the simple pleasures of life.
In the study led by Jordi Quoidbach of the University of Liege in Belgium, over 350 adult volunteers were recruited. The subjects were university workers with jobs ranging from cleaners to senior positions. They were given questionnaires asking them about how much they earned, how much they saved, their attitudes to money, and measuring their savoring ability. Savoring is feeling positive emotions such as contentment, gratitude, joy, awe or excitement during an experience. The results showed that the subjects who were wealthier had a self-assessed lower level of savoring ability, and this undermined the positive effects of money on their happiness, although they were overall slightly happier than the less well-off subjects. The volunteers were then randomly assigned into one of two groups. The subjects in one group were shown a picture of a stack of money as a reminder of wealth, while the second group were shown the same picture but blurred beyond recognition. After being shown the picture the subjects were given further psychological questionnaires designed to measure their ability to savor pleasant experiences. The results were that if the subjects were shown the clear picture of money first they scored lower in their ability to savor experiences. In a second test 40 students were given a binder that included a questionnaire asking them about their attitudes to chocolate. The binder also contained a photograph, marked as being part of an unrelated study, of a stack of money or a neutral object. They were then given a piece of chocolate to eat. Two observers, who had no knowledge of which picture the subject had viewed, used stopwatches to time how long the subject savored the chocolate, and gave them a rating on how much they appeared to be enjoying the chocolate. The results were that subjects who had viewed the picture of money spent an average of 32 seconds savoring the chocolate, while those who had viewed the neutral picture spent 45 seconds on average and appeared to derive more enjoyment from it. The conclusion the authors reached was that access to money undermines a person’s ability to savor the simple pleasures of life, and even looking at a photograph reminding them of wealth could reduce their satisfaction levels. The study adds to other research in psychology looking at why, once people have enough to cover their basic needs, having more money has little effect on the enjoyment of life.
The paper is published in the Psychological Science journal.
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I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Thank you for the picture of Mattie in his Rolling Thunder wheelchair. I know Mattie was "into" military things and I like to think he is riding as "wingman" to one of my friends on this holiday. I know he would love it and I can see him now on a RED motorcycle joining in spirit with those who rode in physically to honor our fallen. Thank you for providing the history of Memorial Day for your blog readers. Many Americans who have no military connections don't understand the difference between Memorial Day and Veterans Day and believe they are interchangeable. It was quite the day to be out for a walk on city sidewalks and I am not surprised you and Peter were wiped out by the experience. Try to find something to do today that will nourish your spirit. As this day after Memorial Day is another Tuesday, I hold you and Peter gently in my heart and in my thoughts."
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