Monday, June 7, 2010
Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie had completed both limb salvaging surgeries, and this was the first time I actually saw Mattie attempting to walk independently at home. I was so excited, I grabbed my camera to record this special moment. Unfortunately, I did not get to see Mattie walk much at home. Between intensive chemotherapy treatments and most likely because his cancer was so aggressive, he really did not have the energy for physical therapy at home. Nonetheless, I recall this walking moment in time so vividly.
Poem of the day: I Wish You Were Here by Angela Salyer
Although from Earth, our loved ones are gone
They live in our hearts as time goes on
God truly blessed us with the time that we had
Though their departure leaves us very sad
"Time heals all wounds" We've heard it before
A broken heart gradually begins again to soar
God works miracles in His time, not ours
Not by our wishes, but by faith and prayersBy each person he claimed, we were given a gift
Wonderful memories for our spirits to lift
Reunions and Christmas, and simple every day fun
To carry with us always, until our work here is done
Thank God for Kodak, for video and audio-tapes
And for the time together that this family takes
The message is clear from those who have started life anew
"We're waiting in Heaven for each and every one of you"
Each one would say "Don't cry for me dear"
"This place is wonderful, I wish you were here"
Do I believe that time heals all wounds? This is a statement I find as trite and condescending as the term, "new normal," which was used in the hospital with us when Mattie was first diagnosed. Time does not heal all wounds. In fact, some wounds will always be there, and unlike a surgerical scar which is visible to the eye, with grief, the scars are internal. They can't always be seen by an observer, but they are indeed there. If you think I am being negative or pessimistic, I suggest that you imagine having your own child diagnosed with cancer, have to endure months on end in the hospital undergoing all sorts of treatments and surgeries, only to eventually hold your child in your arms has he/she fights death. If you think you can forget any of this, and you think there will not be some sort of wound remaining forever in life, then I want to know your secret.
As for the line, "God works miracles in his own time." Well perhaps! In fact, prior to Mattie's cancer, I most likely would have accepted this statement, and not questioned God's ways. However, I have greater doubts now about my faith and also about God's abilities. I have seen death, but painful death, bestowed upon a child. My child! So my belief in miracles right now are not too forthcoming.
The final line, "we're waiting in heaven...I wish you were here," naturally makes me re-evaluate the premise of my whole religion. After all, if children can get cancer and also die, and die in an inhumane manner, then I have to ask what type of God allows this to happen? Clearly, I am angry, and clearly, there are many issues I need to explore and come to peace with (if possible). I remember Rev. Sharon, the chaplain at the Hospital, who spoke to me weekly over the course of Mattie's illness. Sharon saw my evolution from a spiritually based person to someone who couldn't even discuss religion. However, the beauty of Sharon is she said that God is strong and can handle whatever I have to say or throw out at him. I appreciated her saying this because naturally there is great guilt over admitting the things I am saying tonight. It goes against years of religious education and my core belief system.
As this week is just beginning I am coming to terms with the fact that Ann and her family are going on a vacation in a few days and Peter is leaving on a business trip to Africa on Friday. These are big changes in my life, since these two people are my, physically present, daily support system. I will miss them both greatly. I spent the day with Ann and her children, and we ran all sorts of chores, got lost trying to find Goodwill (which I assure you we can be funny to watch, since we are both directionally challenged), and in a short period of time we went clothes shopping, to the bookstore, and also to get ice cream. I sometimes forget the pace one has to keep when you are with children, but with Mattie I was always hopping from one thing to another. Which is why I coined the term, "mommy speed shopper." Mattie HATED shopping, and in order to get pick things out with him, I basically couldn't stop moving, I would literally grab things in a simliar fashion a track player passes a baton to the next runner.
Tonight I posted pictures of the 9 raffle items that were featured at this year's Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation Walk. Carolyn, our raffle coordinator, and her raffle team did an outstanding job soliciting businesses and individuals for fantastic items! The raffle was a huge success at the Walk. We want to thank all our pre-raffle ticket sellers and of course all purchasers of raffle tickets.
Sail Away for a fabulous day on the bay aboard the Windemere – a 39’ sailboat docked in Annapolis. Day sail is for up to 4 people for 4-6 hours and
can be scheduled for week/weekend day this summer (excluding Memorial Day Weekend, July 4th Weekend and June 12-20).
Enjoy a Saturday night out at Nationals Stadium – June 19 – first pitch at 7:05pm – when the Nationals take on the Chicago White Sox. Game package includes 4 Diamond Level seats with parking and a $35 per ticket allowance for food or merchandise.
The Dog Days of Summer are just around the corner – and this item has everything you will need to keep the entire family entertained and excited all summer long –including SSSAS Summer Camp, Baseball Tickets, Top Golf Membership and so much more!
Capture that special moment with a professional portrait by a premier DC photography studio. This priceless package includes sitting fee and a free 8 x 10 portrait.
Item #5 - Around Town Gift Basket
Enjoy all that Alexandria has to offer with this variety of gift certificates
from local restaurants and vendors.
Item #6 – Let the Sun Shine In Basket
Brighten your day and your home with this cheerful collection of “sunny” home adornments including, a handmade quilt, note cards, sun catchers – and other items to let the sun shine in - even on a rainy day!
Everything the “Lady of the House” needs to feel relaxed and pampered –
from a day at the spa to some special items just for her!
Item #8 - Washington Capitals Fan Pack
A Caps enthusiast’s dream – a fabulous collection of Caps Memorabilia and Autographs!
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am glad you got out yesterday and that you enjoyed the day. I too have noticed that people can no longer pay attention to only one thing. I was at a concert yesterday and it seemed as though half the audience was either talking or texing on phones during active portions of the concert. This was in spite of all the stage effects and the usual things that surround an open air concert. Baseball is a game from our agricultural past when time was less of an issue (it is one of the remaining untimed sports) and it runs at a much slower pace. So to keep the "multitaskers" occupied, they've added all these other things/events to the game experience. I think that all of this has subtracted something as well; we've lost the ability to focus for any length of time on an event or a person or a project. In a sense, we are all becoming ADHD like. I am glad that given your feelings about baseball, that you were able to "connect" with Margaret and have a good day in conversation and people watching. As I sit here looking out into the woods, connecting with nature and listening to the birds, I wish you the serenity I feel when I take time out to do this. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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